Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

[Tiddleypops]

Thanks again, you have been a lot of help

[Littlelambpeep]

I have no practical advice but I wish you all the best in a very difficult situation op. You cannot really feel guilt, you didn't cause the issue and you have to care for yourself first xx

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

OP - tell us how you are doing, hope you and your little one are in a better situation now.

[Tiddleypops]

@RedSquirrelMoonlight thank you for checking in.

I feel ashamed (!) to say not much has changed in a practical sense. After this all happened, my H resorted to denial/blame everything on me mode - very predictable.

Over the last few months we have had the same conversation over and over, the more I repeated our marriage is over, the more he buried his head in the sand, dug his heels in and ignored everything I was saying .

I felt incredibly 'stuck' over the summer.
Around a month ago I finally started going to Al-anon. It's the best thing I have done. It has helped me massively in this short time. Last week I also started a 6 week course of counselling sessions, it's early days, but I feel like MY recovery has started now and this, myself, I now recognise, is where my focus needs to be so I can be the best mother to my son and look after us both properly. My son asked "daddy, who is your best friend?" the other day and I could see H struggle to answer, because the fact is, he has pushed all his friends away. Heartbreaking as it is, I can't fix that, it's his responsibility. So, fingers crossed, my courage returning to do what I need to do, and soon.

How are you doing @RedSquirrelMoonlight? I saw your post earlier

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

My DH is also burying his head in the sand for the most part. His ability to be accepting one evening and then start using "we" in terms of future plans the next morning is bloody infuriating.

Glad Al-anon was useful for you, I learned some good tips there too, Maybe I should go back. At the time, I decided rather than focus even more energy on him by attending such sessions that I wanted to use that time to do something that was "fun" for me. Made sense at that stage, but Im in a different space now, it might be extra motivating.

[pointythings]

Hi tiddleypops. I'm glad you found Al-Anon useful. Your instincts are pretty spot on - alcoholics do alienate themselves from their friends and family. It's part of the disease. And he is responsible for that, not you. (Blaming others is also part of it - my H was sooooo good at that)

I hope you find the strength to get out of this marriage soon. However hard it it (and it is hard), in the long run it is the best thing for all of you. If it's the boot in the backside your H needs to stop drinking, fine. If not - then at least you and the DC will be out of the situation. All the very best of luck.

[Tiddleypops]

@RedSquirrelMoonlight yep I hear you, the switching between accepting and complete denial is baffling and confusing. Al-anon might be worthwhile. The first night I went there someone said "but it's not about him, it's about you" so think of it that way, you'd be going for you, not him.

@pointythings thank you, I've read your threads, I'm in awe of how strong you are. Your story has helped give me some strength too. I realise that I've become so conditioned to put him first, and that has been holding me back - I told him it was over but I had no concrete plan beyond that because I felt I had to wait for him to agree and to see what he would do about it. My thoughts over the last couple of weeks have very much focused on myself.

My next plan is to repeat that we are over and that he needs to move out (no ambiguity or asking politely if he'd mind moving out or what his opinion is on it!)
And go to see a solicitor, to discuss my options if he refuses.
I'm reluctant to just issue him with divorce papers without him moving out first, but a letter from a solicitor explaining that this is my intention if he doesn't go is a plan I can fall back on if he carries on with this minimising and denial.

This feels absolutely terrifying, but a lot more solid than our previous discussions. I have to do it.

[pointythings]

He will make you do all the work. Alcoholics lose the ability to manage daily life and decisions. My H hadn't paid his electricity bill since moving into his flat. A simple phone can would have sorted it but he couldn't do it. You are going to have to drive this all the way. It's exhausting but you will do it.

[Tiddleypops]

Yes this all sounds very similar. He puts off doing things forever (unless they are fun things) and then gets very stressed about them.

Did you have to find him his flat or did he actually do that bit for himself?

[pointythings]

Oh, I found the flat. And he wouldn't have pursued getting it if I hadn't kicked him out of the house aided by the police. Alcoholics don't do adulting.

[Tiddleypops]

No, it's pretty clear my H can't do adulting.
I'll add it to the list of things to do!
I'm off to the solicitors next Wednesday to get a plan in place for if/when he refuses to move out. Thank you for the support. I hope you are doing OK @pointythings, you have a lot on your plate.

[pointythings]

You're absolutely welcome to any support you need from me, tiddleypops - you can always pm me if you need advice or support. Good luck with the solicitor and stand firm. You will experience wobbles and that is normal, but you are doing what you need to do in order to look after yourself and the DC.

We are doing pretty well, good days and bad days, getting through the endless admin.

Today my divorce paperwork came back from the solicitors, including my marriage certificate (which I need to do some stuff on base, so good timing). Found out decree nisi was granted on the 18th of February but would not have been pronounced until 4th of October - delays at bury St Edmunds, anyone?

[Chamomiletea]

I just posted a similar thread. Thank you for sharing this, and all the wise words.

I do hope you find peace

[Tiddleypops]

@Chamomiletea it's taken a while, but I have learnt since starting this thread, that sorting things out for him and fixing everything is not something I can do, not is it my responsibility to flog myself to death trying to achieve the un-achievable.

I'm getting there, it's taken many months of repeating the same things to myself over and over again until I finally allowed myself to believe them. I feel like a plan is coming together (at last!)

[earlybyrd]

You are doing so well, I am cheering you on, I am further down the line and can see things so clearly in hindsight. It's a reoccurring theme that they can not complete simple adult tasks etc and it's important you don't 'mother' him and sort out anything once he has left, it's like they need to hit rock bottom before they can have a chance of rising up again and every time you 'help' you will be delaying that process.
It will of course be everyone else's fault but particularly yours and it's helpful to grow a thick skin if you can, wishing you all the best

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you @earlybyrd every message of support empowers me that little bit more, it really does. I don't feel frozen by fear and guilt anymore. I'm building momentum to do this. Once I start pushing things forward, I know I must not stop or dither.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Hi @Tiddleypops, just caught up with your thread. Sounds as if you are doing incredibly well, you sound more detached than earlier in the year which is definitely a good thing. Of course I can empathise with active alcoholics because I have been there, but can still understand that detachment emotionally is essential. They/we are the only ones who can sort it out. Many of us wish for a "magic pill" but that's because we can be inherently lazy and desiring of a quick fix without the work behind it!

Glad to hear you're doing well. X

[Tiddleypops]

Hi @Lobsterquadrille2 , thank you. Your posts earlier in the year were really useful, they helped me to set the wheels in motion. I had a discussion with a recovering alcoholic a couple of weeks ago and everything she said echoed your posts. She said that only once everyone had turned their back on her and she was completely alone, did she realise that no one else could fix things for her. She was such a beautiful, courageous, strong woman and somehow she seemed to look right into my soul as she was saying this?!? I was in awe of her, she was amazing.

My H has often said he can't fix things because he doesn't have a "magic wand". It really does follow the same pattern doesn't it?

I am doing the right thing. And yes, detaching is getting easier. I heard someone at an Al-anon meeting say that initially she detached with hate, then she detached with indifference, and then finally she detached with compassion. All these things are so helpful. Thank you @Lobsterquadrille2.

[pointythings]

I think as the partner of an alcoholic you initially detach out of a deep need for self preservation. You don't start detaching until you have hit your rock bottom. The ability to maintain compassion comes after you are recovered from the fight or flight response. I remember feeling a wild mix of things - compassion for my H, but also huge anger, resentment and sadness. I was able to not lash out but it was hard! It is ok to have negative feelings for your alcoholic partner. You can deal with them at a point that is right for you and in a way that works for you.

[Tiddleypops]

@pointythings, yes I think you are right. I feel all those things mixed up together, and now is the time for self preservation.

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

Detaching is so hard, even if I know it's the right thing.

I've been persistently stating that our relationship is ending and it is finally getting thru to him. He's finally told some of his friends.

No doubt, it'll continue to be shit until we can afford to live apart but there is an end in sight!

Much love, compassion and strength to you all on this thread.

[Tiddleypops]

Good luck @RedSquirrelMoonlight sounds like you are slowly getting there.

I felt strong at the end of last week. For some reason, I feel deflated and weak today. I have a(nother) cold, and I had some time apart from H this weekend because he was away, but now he's back to being ever present and it's stifling (he's off work at the moment with an injury - nothing to do with drinking - and I am working from home some days at the moment).

I know I must put myself first and while I am not looking back, I am feeling shaky about the way forward again. I have solicitor appointment later in the week and counselling today, so hopefully I can get myself back on track. A practical plan gives me less to retreat away from. I must do this.

[pointythings]

You are allowed to feel wobbly but don't act wobbly. Go to the solicitor and start the process of divorcing him. It takes steel but you will find yours.

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you pointythings. I think a practical plan is coming together and I'll keep going with it regardless of how wobbly I feel. I've got a few things in the diary to look forward to as well. I'll enjoy them all the more if I'm on my way to freedom.

[Tiddleypops]

I wasn't going to update here, until I have something to update, like an actual proactive "I've done this thing", but I haven't really. I decided I would anyway, because my head is churning over constantly and it might make more sense written down!

I went to see the solicitor. It was useful, definitely, and now there are no more excuses or hurdles - apart from the big one. The one where I ask him to leave.

Finally, I have realised that I need to put the oxygen mask on myself - after years of trying to give it to him to put on and starving myself of life. He will either find his own oxygen mask, or he won't, but I can't give him mine.

I want this to be over so I can start to feel all the feelings that I have buried - I want to feel the sadness, the anger, the grief for what should have been - even the grief for my mother (she died when my son was 4 months old, so between him and my alcoholic husband there was no time for me to 'feel' the grief for her passing). And I want to live, and have a happy life with my DS.

But he has to go first and he definitely won't do that unless I tell him to.

So, I have a plan - I tell him to move out. He either will, or he won't, he'll dig his heels in, or he'll be angry or remorseful or all things at once. I can't predict these things (eeeek, living with an alcoholic makes you controlling, I'm so reliant on being able to plan plan plan and I can't!)
If he refuses to go, then he gets a solicitors letter and we start the ball rolling. At that point - if it happens - he'll get nasty - I have no doubt about that.

Finding the words to tell him to move out feels so difficult, but I will find them. I have to.