Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

I'm not entirely unaware of @pointythings story, and I think I have a friend in a similar position - they are in their 60s and her husband has alcohol induced alzheimers, so now without any way of getting out of it, she's become his full time carer - she didn't even get power of attorney in time and he holds all their assets (well, mostly debts). He was given only a few months to live but rallied and now seems happy enough whilst her life utterly miserable.

Although my H isn't involved with alcohol, that always worried me that he would get alzheimers due to his erratic behaviour, before I manage to get away. Still have a bit of a fear of that. So thank god you had got to this stage at your age @Tiddleypops - as @Pointythings says here, the outcomes for your Ex aren't looking good. I wouldn't wish that on him, I certainly know you wouldn't as he's the father of your DS, but you are protecting DS from a lot of it.

Oh @DishingOutDone your poor friend. What an utterly heartbreaking situation your friend is in I hope she has some support.

My XH has a terrible memory and I have wondered if he'll go on to develop alcohol induced alzheimers too (if his heart issues don't catch up with him sooner). It's a weight lifted to not be entangled with that, (and all the other fears that go with it).

I hope you are OK @DishingOutDone, how is your DD, I keep thinking of you.

I suspect you already have some likely scenarios in the back of your head, @Tiddleypops. You know your XH and you know your DS. The main thing is that you will be able to tell if things become unsafe for your DS in terms of overnight contact, and you will notice when your XH's health starts unravelling - and that is when, not if, as you know well.

It must feel horribly powerless to be in your situation when you want to protect your DS, but at the same time you want him to have a relationship with his father. I'm so glad I was never in that position.

I think I've come round to the idea that my role is to support DS relationship with his dad and demonstrate appropriate ways to deal with him.
Much of what I've read suggests that if I'm too obstructive, DS could be quite confused and actually feel that I'm the bad guy. Of course things will need monitoring closely and if things get dangerous I will not hesitate to get SS involved etc.
XH was gaslighting DS yesterday - he'd been deliberately cruel to DS the previous day, then told him off for being 'a little grump' when he got upset. Then yesterday he claimed it had been an accident and he'd been sorry. Heartbreaking. DS had told me he was upset, we talked a bit about it, and I acknowledged his feelings. XH won't be doing himself any favours I'm sure. My aim is to keep DS open and honest with me.

It's a weird week. I'm back to feeling crippled with anxiety again this evening! I've emailed XH, very polite, nothing bad, but I'm dreading receiving a reply...

I think you're choosing the right strategy in listening to your son and validating his feelings when your XH pulls this shit. Your DS will soon know who his safe reliable parent is. And there will come a time when he will take the decision not to see his father.

Urgh he is vile.
He's informed me he won't be going until the end of the month. No question, no apology, just that's what's happening. (On this I will be speaking to my solicitor but the fact is, I'll have to agree because anything else will just cause me more grief, expense, and risks disruption for DS).

He's also told me we will be splitting all household possessions 50:50, including half the cutlery and crockery each - who the heck wants 3 plates and forks that are never going to match anything else and our furniture is shit - it would be laughable if I didn't have to actually deal with this crap. He's lived rent and bills and child maintenance free for the best part of two years, is walking away with a significant sum of money from a property he never contributed towards. I'm furious. The misplaced entitlement is sickening. I don't care much for the furniture, but why should he get to walk all over me?
I'm really struggling to know how to deal with it. RL friends say just tell him to stay in a B&B and tell him to stick his request for half the forks. I can't do it, I just don't feel able to stand up to him. I also know this attitude will come with regard to DS which terrifies me.
People say he "won't be interested" and they're right he won't be interested in actually parenting, but he WILL want to demand lots of time with DS (to sit and watch YouTube while XH snores on the sofa) because this attitude oozes out of him, he's the 'victim' and it's all about his 'rights' as a man who has been 'done over'. Women do this to men in his tiny mind. It's all about point scoring. I hate him.

Trying so hard to be positive and disengage from his twattish behaviour, but I'm just so tired and I feel very protective and afraid with regard to the risks of him punishing me via DS if I stand up to him I'm sure he knows this full well.

Right now, the TV is blaring but not quite loudly enough to drown out the sound of him snoring on the sofa

I used my XH's departure to replace stuff. I did give him half the kitchen inventory, because he wouldn't have had the nous to get his own, and then I took the opportunity to get new stuff - which didn't have any memories of him attached. Nothing expensive, just crockery from Sainsburys, but it was nice. If you can manage it financially, view it as an opportunity to wash him out of your life.

We also replaced the sofa immediately after he went, on an interest free deal - we couldn't stand to keep the one we had, it had the marks of him wiping the condensation off on the arm where he sat. St Nicholas Hospice were glad to have it.

Lastly wrt your DS - yes, he will be a shit parent when he has overnight contact. Sadly, that's inevitable. However, if you keep talking to your DS so that he feels he can open up to you any time he feels unsafe, you will be able to manage matters. And once he's 10 or thereabouts, if he says he doesn't want overnights, his words will start carrying weight. By the time he's 13, he will be able to refuse outright if he wants to.

Thank you @pointythings. What you say makes complete sense. It's his attitude and entitlement that smarts the most I guess. I've learned a lot about detachment, but it's more difficult to maintain when I am in the firing line.
I've calmed down a bit now and actually managed to attend my Al-anon meeting this weekend and can (re)see that this attitude is not about me at all, it's him projecting.
And I do need to detach from that and refocus on myself and DS.

In more positive news, I spoke to DS teacher on Friday and that went very well, I feel he'll be supported well and they will be straight on it if they suspect anything untoward happening with XH. We also told DS. He took it well, there were some emotions he couldn't quite explain, but it was very relaxed and he's talking about the future in a matter of fact way today.

FFS I just typed out a whole rational reply and accidentally wiped it with a keystroke. So I'll do it again tomorrow because I need to go to bed.

You're doing great. Hang in there.

Eeesh! Technology

The hardest thing about detachment I found was that when I started to get good at it, I also started feeling guilty about being good at it. Which is ridiculous, but when you're conditioned to look after someone else, because hey, marriage vows, it's difficult to stop. That does pass though.

Wrt to your DS, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he'd already had a feeling something was up - kids pick up on this stuff. His teacher sounds on the ball, so there's another chunk of support network for you.

I guess it's predictable that he's going to be even more difficult than ever. We're finally at the stage that I've been trying to get to for the last 3 years and that he has done everything he can to resist. As much as he's now crowing from the rooftops how wonderful his new life is going to be and he's really glad about it all now, the fact is that that is obviously not true. He having to work extra hard on the denial and that's bound to get projected.
I just need to keep on with the grey rock.
I've not yet reacted about the demands for household items but when I do I will be smiling sweetly and suggesting he takes all the forks 😂
With regard to pushing the deadline I would be foolish to approve or agree to it, especially in writing (even just a message to reply).
Currently HE is in breach of our terms and I am not. I might as well leave him to screw himself over, I don't need to engage with it and if anything else goes wrong or he does this again, it can't backfire on me (I've emailed my solicitor too).

There you go, that's the spirit. Keep being the grey rock. Keep giving him the rope - you know what he's going to do with it. And definitely fork him.

@pointythings

There you go, that's the spirit. Keep being the grey rock. Keep giving him the rope - you know what he's going to do with it. And definitely fork him.

😂

Eeesh up and down but definitely figuring out the right direction on the whole.
I've self referred to the local mental health services, and following an assessment, I've been offered CBT which I think is exactly what I need. I'm feeling very anxious at times and I'm losing perspective on tiny things (eg bursting into tears at breakfast time because I suddenly realise I haven't planned what I'll be cooking for dinner in the evening). The next day, I'll be cool as a cucumber and nothing can faze me.

The Billy Big Bollocks Routine really grates. When he's around I'm at my worst, I can feel that fight or flight thing (or freeze which was my default for years) all the time he's here, I'm so on edge. In reality he's absolutely terrified, committing to an expensive house he can't afford, purely to 'out do' me, and working harder than ever on his facade. He's very experienced at all kinds of denial tactics of course and laying it all on thick with a trowel right now. He seems so convinced that the world should revolve around him, even now, that it's hard not to get sucked in a bit.
I'm mindful of your H snapping at the point @pointythings which is adding to my underlying feeling of unease.

On the flip side, although for me it will be very tight financially, I'm on solid ground for the first time since I met him! My mortgage application is finally signed and sealed. I was aiming to save 10% of the settlement just so I didn't have to mortgage the whole amount. I've scrimped and saved so hard and just this week I hit my target. I've also cleared almost all other debt.
That means, from now on, every penny I save is for me and DS.
After so many years of financial abuse - That. Feels. Absolutely. Amazing.

I've got a difficult week. I have to work long hours all week to cover some big projects. I'm also going to have to do some packing for His Lordship because the alternative is leaving him turn everything upside down. DS has quite a busy week which I'll need to accommodate too.
I'm feeling worried about juggling it all, especially with this anxiety thing which is crippling me at times, but it will pass.
I'm nearly there....

@Tiddleypops you've come so far, I can smell a victory in the offing!! BBB's end games.

@Tiddleypops that is massive progress! No wonder you're feeling stressed and exhausted with all that going on - but it's giant strides towards where you want to be, especially the financials.

Packing for him is a giant PITA. I resented it massively - it ate up an entire day of my and both DDs' time and he bloody didn't deserve all that effort from us. But it meant getting rid of his stuff and that was worth it. A few weeks after we did it, we repainted his room, redecorated it completely and moved DD1 in so she could finally have a big bedroom too.

You'll be rid of him soon, and then he can flaunt his massive bollocks in his lonely new place.

😂 He can indeed.
He didn't come home last night. Obviously intentional as he took his toothbrush. Presumably he's with next victim. I really don't care and it's nice when he's not here but it would have been good if he'd mentioned it so I could answer the 'where is daddy?' questions this morning, and I'd have taken advantage of the living room being unoccupied 🙄 He came back, unfortunately.

I'm rinsed out on day one of extra hours this week but did spend a short while in the attic sorting out a 'his' pile (while eye balling some old stuff of mine that can definitely go to the tip once there is a bit more space for sorting).
I already feel a little bit cleansed.

I also found manky old empty beer cans stuffed in some random places. A timely reminder.

I also found manky old empty beer cans stuffed in some random places. A timely reminder.

We spent months finding bottles everywhere. Absolutely everywhere.

His next victim will see through him in no time and you'll be living in a place that is all yours, with your lovely DS. Getting rid of old crap is very liberating.

She will... I was woken up last night by him having a heated debate with her. There were plentiful lies and 'lines' that he used on me time and time again in the past, particularly the early days when I was easily manipulated. The days before I lost the power to speak up/the days before I'd dulled my own feelings to protect myself. We went through those loops where he'd done something, made me feel insecure and when I'd got upset pulled out his bullshit book of words. It really brought back some horrific memories to be honest and made me feel incredibly sad for her.

I'd left the bedroom door slightly ajar when I went to sleep, I didn't listen long, I closed the door so I could only hear the background rumble of his voice rather than the words, but it took a fair amount of willpower to do that rather than listen in - which is daft because I really don't care about his life, my focus is fairly solidly on me and DS, but for some reason when it's under my nose, it feels so blatant I feel I need to know what's being said! I know that makes no logical sense, and when I do hear things, it only gets my heart racing and my knees shaking, my head knows this.

I'm back to wobbly again today. I think it's last night and the fact that he's been home all day. It will be the middle of next week before I know it and all being well, he'll be gone. But I am thoroughly dreading the weekend.

Awareness I guess is part one.
I'm aware I'm feeling very anxious, particularly when it comes to anything relating to him.
I'm also feeling quite upset about some other things (a friend with severe covid, another friend whose uncle is in hospital with covid, all the drama and politics on the news).
I also haven't left my desk much this week! My extra childcare to help with my busy work week has fallen through (grandparent bubble, so allowed, but actually there's a covid case in DS school so I've decided it's safer not to risk grandparent exposure).

There is a lot going on and I must be kind to myself. I CAN avoid the news. I CAN do some stretches etc or even squeeze in a ten minute walk tomorrow. Both of these will ease things. Sorry, waffling. Just need to get outside my head.

@Tiddleypops the last pieces are the heaviest. That's always true. You are nearly there and you are tired of it, and this is the toughest bit of all. It's really, really important now that you look after yourself. I do hope your wellbeing appointment comes through in fairly short order, you deserve help to work through everything that has happened. I include hearing him replicate your early days with his new woman in that; it can't be easy having those memories come up again.

But yes, a walk, some stretches, a cup of really nice tea or coffee - whatever it takes. And keep going with the breathing exercises too.

You can do this, and please do not hesitate to contact me directly if you need to. My phone sits by my side while I work and it buzzes at me if something comes in, I will respond if I know you're finding things tough.

We've got COVID in the 6th form - fortunately not in DD2's bubble though. She's completely shattered and I'm glad it's half term next week, but unlike this time last year, she's fully up to date on her school work. And DD1 and foster son are home for 5 days as well next week - am keeping fingers crossed for no circuit breaker so we can do our Christmas shopping.

How is the packing going, has he done any?

@Weenurse not yet, he's been too busy making a spreadsheet which has a column with a list of items I can keep and a column with a list of items he is going to take. Obviously this can be done sitting down with a beer which is a good distraction from actually doing anything.
He's even itemised the furniture in DS room (which I've told him he is not taking). He's taking the TV and said that DS toys need to be split half for each house. I actually stopped myself buying a new set of baking trays yesterday (we must halve the burnt old ones, because it's 'fair' apparently), because I genuinely think he might try to include the new ones on his spreadsheet!
He is vile.

He also thinks it's 'fair' that I've put a roof over his head for free for the last 2 years, and that he hasn't paid a penny towards his son in that time either (not that he ever contributed much!) It's also 'fair' in his mind that he walks away with 50% of the equity in a house he invested £0 in. It's just the latest act of arseholery and would be funny if he weren't so intimidating.

Trying to hold my nerve but I am intimidated and I'm suffering with some hefty attacks of anxiety.

I've had some good advice and have come round to the opinion that if he actually takes half of this stuff he claims he's entitled to, that he's doing me a favour (I really hope he takes the 20 year old fridge freezer - if it survives the journey I'll be amazed! He's taking the dinner set that was a wedding present - good riddance ) however my remaining fear is that this attitude will continue when it comes to dealing with access arrangements for DS. It's 100% about punishment, arrogance, misplaced entitlement, and the victim mentality which has him stomping his feet and declaring 'how dare you do this to me? Well I'll show you'. Trying not to worry about tomorrow's problems today, but I already know it's coming and it will be the hardest part.

Sorry that wasn't meant to be an essay 😂