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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told husband it's over. He has no support.

524 replies

Tiddleypops · 11/02/2018 06:33

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do Sad I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either Sad

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 28/08/2020 06:13

I had a really down day about it. Once again I saw the light at the end of the tunnel only for it to be snatched away. I feel bad moaning to people in RL, I think even they have run out of positive "well, soon it will be over" type things to say 😂 and they can't come and give me a cuddle at the moment of course.

I am focusing on the good things etc. But it's really hard to keep doing this some times.
I think I'm fatigued from spending all my time with DS too for all these months. I've either got DS or I've got DS and I'm trying to work at the same time. My brain is completely fried. And he's probably sick of the sight of me 😂
School starts up next week, so fingers crossed that will ease a little pressure.

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FinallyHere · 28/08/2020 13:40

Sorry to read this

What suggestions had your solicitor come up with, to incentivise him to sign? A bonus for signing within x days? An offer to pay fees if signed by x day but split fees if he hasn't ?

There may be some things they can suggest. Good luck

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 29/08/2020 03:32

He gets a lump sum up front as soon as he signs.
I'm currently raging.

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pointythings · 31/08/2020 19:35

Rage away. That's what this thread is for. I think you would be entitled to push him to make his solicitor get her act together and get things back on track - you're entitled to a resolution, to life without him, to a fresh start.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 02/09/2020 17:35

He's signed. He's signed.
It's still sinking in. It's good news.
There are new challenges suddenly here and I feel full of fear today. I know the fear will pass, but just needed to get it out as rl friends don't understand why I wouldn't just simply be jumping for joy.
I'm still dealing with him. I still have to deal with him. I see right through him, but even he doesn't see right through himself.
And now I have to figure out co-parenting which is alarming! But currently it is how it has to be.
And DS was back in school today and I can't think straight because it's all different and mums are talking to me and asking questions about school and my to do list is huge over the next couple of days.
I'm sure I'll jump for joy too, I know I will Smile but just not quite yet!

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pointythings · 02/09/2020 18:26

You've been fighting for this for 2 years and now it's happened. Of course you're in shock! Make yourself a nice cup of something and chill. You can do this now, and that light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train!

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 02/09/2020 18:41

Thank you @pointythings.
I found out just before a big work presentation, so I just had to park it and focus on the work thing. It's only just sinking in I think.

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DishingOutDone · 02/09/2020 18:49

I'm jumping for joy with you!!! So now he'll be paid the lump sum you mentioned? (did you have to take a loan for that?) And that means you can say he has to pack his stuff and leave? I'm pulling at your skirts like an excited toddler but hoping its all true and he will go!!

pointythings · 02/09/2020 19:00

The main thing now is to push him on setting a leaving date, and sticking to it. He's quite capable of pouring the lot down his neck after all. Speaking from experience, this is the hard bit because they finally have to accept that you mean it and that you're really over.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 02/09/2020 19:39

Yes he has a partial payment now, the rest to follow and a leaving date is agreed in theory - I now have legal rights if he doesn't go. He has been chasing other women a lot from what I gather, which I think benefits me really because he's well distracted and it hopefully incentivises him having his own place rather than living with his ex wife which I don't imagine would go down well if these women knew 😂
Gosh I feel very odd and not in a good way. I know it's all part of processing things. It's good I have feelings these days, even ones I don't like much Confused

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pointythings · 02/09/2020 20:06

Just let yourself feel it and it will work itself through. I remember those days - they pass.

And it's good that he's chasing other women. More fool them if they let themselves be caught.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 02/09/2020 20:42

Thank you @pointythings.
One day at a time....

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 02/09/2020 21:01

And thank you @DishingOutDone too. I really can't express how much it helps knowing you are out there cheering me on and that you understand. I'm truly grateful xx

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FinallyHere · 03/09/2020 09:43

So glad to read tour news.

Be kind to yourself and all the very best.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/09/2020 08:13

Eeesh trying so hard to cling to sanity. I am really struggling with constant interruptions that come with a small child and daft questions and just day to day things are about all I can cope with. It's like my brain suddenly can't cope with so much constant busy-ness. I used to be so good at that it's quite alarming - I really hope it's temporary Confused.

One thing about my H (probably mentioned many times on this thread!) is that he is very very untidy, I think he probably is developing a genuine hoarding problem. There is stuff piled in every corner of every room, on the dining table, on top of cupboards. The 'spare' room is piled high with who knows what. He also 'tidies' things underneath the dining table which drives me absolutely crazy. This doesn't help with the problem of my brain feeling too busy and feeling like I am clinging to some sort of order - it's like I am living inside someone else's chaos and I can no longer cope with it. (I am not particularly militant about tidiness, I feel quite at ease with kids toys and so on that I know will be played with and then put away at some point, even if it's not today) but he is extreme.

I must must must remember that this is temporary now and that, more than ever, I must be grey rock with him. Just today I flipped because a load of stuff he claimed not to want, had been dumped on a high book shelf on top of some neatly lined up books. I just couldn't deal with the sight of it so pulled it all back down and politely offered to take it to the charity shop if he didn't want it - apparently now he does want it all. And now he's pissed off and I could do without the aggro right now!

I've lived with the chaos for so long (we had many rows about this kind of thing over the years and things temporarily improved for decreasing amounts of time), and I know I have a right to have boundaries and be comfortable in my own home, but right now is not the time to be creating ructions over trivial things! Grey-rock, grey-rock, grey-rock. Think I just needed to get that all out!

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pointythings · 08/09/2020 11:35

That would drive me nuts too! I still need to declutter the living room - am hoping to do it over Christmas with the extra pairs of hands present. The rest of the house is pretty good, except for fostered teen's room - they are so untidy it isn't even funny, but when they go to Uni the room will be cleared and spruced and made to stay that way.

We have culls of unwanted stuff every so often, it's very cathartic. Just think of the satisfaction you will feel when you make the place your own, with no more of his crap coming in.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/09/2020 12:29

Yes, I have all this to look forward to - I am trying to look forward to it. I think my head is just a bit all over the place, I am feeling tangled up. My friends/family are all whooping with joy and I'm feeling that it's wrong to feel predominantly bereft and grief-stricken. I think this has been hard on the people who care who have been powerless to do much to help and they are genuinely over the moon that there is an end in sight. One of my best friends told me she was in tears (of joy) when she heard I had got the paperwork signed. I am just not quite caught up with them yet. I have plans over the coming couple of weeks to spend time with family and friends. I have a stuck cry, like I really need to sob, but it needs a trigger to kick it off and I'm not ready yet, if that makes sense?! Seeing friends will probably tip me over the edge, I think this will really help.

I will probably need a skip to chuck all his left over crap! And it will feel good and it will be sooooon. I will try to think of it as day one in a new house. Starting from scratch.
Just. A. Little. While. Longer... Smile

Good luck with your decluttering and sorting out FT's room. I guess it's the way teens are or can be - I think I was pretty messy when I lived at home! At least you can shut the door and just not look in the meantime Grin I hope they are all doing well.

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pointythings · 08/09/2020 12:51

The people who are cheering for us just see things differently. You still need to grieve properly before you can start recovering and that's understandable - you're still living all of this, not watching and cheering from the sidelines. You'll get there.

I absolutely second getting a skip. Then when you're clearing, you just yeet everything in there gleefully. It'll be great.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/09/2020 14:51

Thank you pointy, yes, I don't think others quite get that I'm still living it. I'm overwhelmed at the moment. It will pass but not yet. Perhaps I need a day off work to just do nothing, I'm otherwise either working or have DS Smile

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pointythings · 08/09/2020 19:25

If you have the annual leave to take a break, you should do it. Especially since the weather is looking decent over the next few days. I would recommend going somewhere that has nice gardens, bring a picnic and sit in the sun with a good (or really bad) book.

DishingOutDone · 10/09/2020 12:32

Hello @Tiddleypops. Still having a little mental dance (inside head) every time I look at this thread.

But practically, what is he up to now? Is he packing? Do you have a set date for him to be out?

DishingOutDone · 10/09/2020 12:34

I'm wondering if our old thread "those divorcing against STBEXH wishes" will ever take up again, otherwise I might start my own lovely as it is to hop on here and get inspiration; Ive still got a long road ahead of me.

DishingOutDone · 10/09/2020 14:37

Oh wow it’s up and running again hurrah, see you over there Tids

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 11/09/2020 11:35

Yes we're back in business on the other thread Smile

On a practical level - well, honestly I am now waiting for MY flippin solicitor!!!

In theory, the clock has started ticking and there are a few things that need to be done by certain dates, things like his sol responding to my mortgage company about the marital interest on the property, decree absolute application going in, and of course, him moving out. My sol is supposed to be sending specific details of what these dates are - these are all things agreed to in the signed order, so that's fine, but I would like some assurances about when everything will happen really.

H looked at a property earlier in the week. He also mentioned getting a place with someone else - I don't think a woman, I mean a mate or perhaps my stepson... sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me, but as long as it means movement! I would worry about SS living with him, but equally I wonder if it might mean that he sees what things are really like and quickly goes back to his DM. Well, we'll see anyway.

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 12/09/2020 08:54

Woah, need to rant. Just to get it out I think.

I'm pretty stressed that sol still hasn't sent me a timeline. Nothing in can do about it given its the weekend, just trust that the wheels are in motion now.

I'll call mortgage company Monday to see if that is progressing because until the mortgage is all signed, sealed and delivered it is a huge source of worry.

Heard H talking to new victim last night (he really thinks I can't hear his loud obnoxious voice booming through the walls). Mostly just made me feel a bit grossed out by all the desperation, proper dirty old man stuff and I was slightly cheering her when she knocked back some of his more gross comments Grin

He was gloating about the fact he gets the main bedroom while I have to sleep in ds room. Yet on the other hand was bemoaning the fact he'll end up in a one bed flat. I actually think he's squandered much of the upfront sum already and now can't afford to pay for a few months upfront which was the whole point!!! NOT my problem. But I'll feel better once the mortgage has been sorted and I can be sure my side of the street is clear.

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