Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

He's just going to have to settle for something he can afford. If he doesn't like it, he can always move when the lease is up (probably into a cardboard box).

Well by that point it will not be my problem...
I'm looking forward to the weekend. H will be away for most of it and DS is busy with various activities
My sol is furious at all these delays and is really doing what he can so I feel supported in that respect. Today is a good day

Excellent news. Hopefully BBB will have his moon on a stick soon. Possibly up his arse but you know, whatevs.

🤣 @DishingOutDone your posts make me proper laugh!

How are you doing?

I am frustrated for you 🍷🍰☕️

Aw @Tiddleypops I'm glad I made you giggle . My DD17 is very unwell now, hoping to see new psychiatrist soon, I have to say whilst she is so unhappy nothing else really matters. H is still here and still a dick, he had a meltdown at older DD a few weeks ago and i really thought thats it, lets speed up my plans. But I notice when younger DD's mental health gets noticeably worse he tones himself down accordingly. So really he is the least of my worries. I'm still planning and scheming, but until I can get her stable so as to speak, nothing much happening. Must update on our other thread. Hope weekend is calm.

DishingOutDone what a complex situation you are in! You are 100% right to prioritise your DD17 here, and in that context it will all just have to take as long as it takes.

Meanwhile my fostered teenager is now also at uni - took a bit of doing because due to the situation, mum had never sorted out anything that might help them get ID. And you need it for everything these days! Fortunately uni have been flexible, documentation for passport is going in the post Monday (countersigning and payment is already sorted) and once the passport arrives, teen can finally have a bank account and will have photo ID.

I'm at home with just DD2 - it feels odd, but we'll get used to it.and we get on as we have always done.

Oh @DishingOutDone you are in such an impossible situation, I'm so sorry your DD has become so unwell. I'm glad she has you as her mum, I really hope you get a new psychiatrist who'll help her to find a way forward. Keeping your focus on her is really all you can do. I'm thinking of you

Gosh I hope fostered teen is getting on OK with uni and your DD too @pointythings. It's a tough time to be a student! Enjoy the calm house.

I am feeling very down today. Nothing in particular, I just think I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything. There is too much work to do in the house, and the garden needs some serious attention before winter, but as things are I'm either working or I have DS. Chipping away at things as best I can never really gets my any further forwards. I know in time, it will be easier.
I should probably delete the news app on my phone as the constant stream of grim news, seemingly unachievable end points to any of it (much like my divorce ) doesn't really help my state of mind!
Trying to accept that it's OK to feel like this from time to time. There's nothing else I can do right now, other than take it one day at a time (or even one hour at a time).

Just needed a moan I think

I'd say do just one thing in the house - something small that you can see. Then plan a comfort food meal for dinner and treat yourself to some trashy entertainment. Fresh start tomorrow, we all have bad days!

Thanks pointy, excellent advice as ever. I'm going to pencil in one manageable job per day this week and try to get some exercise in, which has been lacking recently. I managed to squeeze in a job this evening while DS had a friend over to play. There are plenty of positives to focus on, a productive work day, H being out the house a lot recently, DS had a good day at school etc. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll be chasing both the decree absolute and mortgage arrangements again. You never know, I might actually get an answer from one or the other!

It's easy from the outside looking in - you're living all this crap. I'll throw ideas at you any time you feel stuck.

DD1 and fostered teen both very happy at uni - fortunately they are both homebodies, no partying required. DD2 and I are happy in our new normal, the transition has been really easy. The only tough thing is supporting fostered teen's mum, who has been allocated a nice new flat but is now having to co-ordinate a house move with very little money (which I am happy to help with) and very little emotional resilience (which I cannot help with). Her own house is a hot mess - she procrastinates over cleaning until things get really bad and by then they are so bad that she can't face doing it at all. However, she has agreed to seek out therapy for her fear of germs and dirt, so that's a step in the right direction. I'm setting very clear boundaries as to what I will and will not do and how much of my time and effort she gets, as is her support worker - apparently we both work in the same way (which helps her believe we are right and she needs to listen to us).

I am so glad to hear about fostered teen and DD1, that is brilliant that they have settled so well. I really hope they are not disrupted too much this year. And you can get that fostered teen's room sorted now It sounds as though they will thrive.
Sounds like you have a lot on with her mum - I am glad to hear boundaries are in place. She is lucky to have such support that in the long run will hopefully empower her to stand on her own two feet - it sounds as though she has never had that kind of support before.

I have written a 'to done' list (which, when I looked at what I had managed to achieve over the weekend, was more than I thought it would be). And my to do list is hidden from view to stop me feeling so overwhelmed. I've just transferred a small number of the things on to a short list of things to pick off each day this week. I also intend to take DS out somewhere after school at least 2 nights this week - it does us both good to be out and about and we need to take advantage of the opportunities provided by me working from home (before the winter nights set in!) It's harder work than wallowing but worth it haha!

That all sounds really positive. I often find that small practical changes have an enormous effect on your mental state when things are tough. .

My Decree Absolute was granted on Friday apparently (I chased the court today).
I am officially unmarried.
I thought I would feel something. I don't really feel anything though, it's weird. I'm not sure it's sunk in yet.

Anyway, I had a good work day and then played football on the park with DS. As I was playing (and initially vaguely wishing a school friend would turn up because playing 'football' with a small child who keeps changing the rules is not my favourite thing in the world to do 😂) it occurred to me that my EX H (eek) would never be able to run around like that, he physically wouldn't be able to.
I also thought about how grateful I am that I can run around like that. It's 9 months since I was diagnosed with MS and although I'm optimistic about the future and fit and healthy now, I know that there's always a possibility that I'll wake up tomorrow and fall over or something. I felt very lucky.

Huge events have a way of leaving you not knowing how to feel, don't they? For what it's worth, I think marking the occasion of your discovery of your unmarried status with a game of goalpost moving football is very appropriate. And having MS is shit, but I hope you'll be one of the lucky ones who have many long remissions. It's a sobering thing that you with that diagnosis are actually fitter and healthier than your XH. (Ooooh, first time I've typed that about you!)

😂 I know XH, it's real. I have an XH. I think it is just slowly settling in to my head.
I completely believe I will live with long remissions. It seems to be the case thus far, and although I have occasional pangs of fear or worry, I generally shake it off. Not much point in worrying about a thing that hasn't happened. Today was just a great example of the fact that running around enjoying life is the best way to prepare for the best and/or the worst.
XH has been referred for a heart op, the outcome is not guaranteed to be positive (65% chance it will work) and a not-insignificant risk (5%) of it causing a major cardiac event etc. Terrifying really..... But not terrifying enough to quit drinking 🙄

Has he told his healthcare team the truth about his alcohol intake? Because alcohol has a massive effect on the heart, and if they don't know the truth, his odds may be worse than that! Mine used to lie massively about how much he drank. I once took him into A&E on base after he'd had an unexplained falling episode (not the first) and when asked about his drinking, he minimised it massively. So I piped up and told the truth. That went down like a cup of cold sick, I can tell you.

And although he did end up having lots of investigations which found nothing, the way he was found was exactly the same as how he was after those falls (we are talking sudden loss of consciousness, over like a plank face down on the floor). Alcohol makes the heart muscle more rigid, which causes all kinds of issues.

You can guess the answer to that one, he's definitely completely minimised it. He showed me the reports that came early on and I think the cardiologist and his occupational health doctor could see right through him (both mentioned excessive alcohol as a likely cause and occupational health wrote to his boss suggesting they enforce their 'random' alcohol testing policy a little more vigorously as he'd never actually had a test in 5 years!) In one report 18 months or so ago, it said that he'd told them he used to drink excessively but that he'd got things under control and was drinking within the recommended guidelines. The latest referral doesn't even mention alcohol intake so I suspect he's minimised it off their radar. However the fact that this operation is commonly performed on people 30 years older than XH should ring some alarm bells!

I'm out of his loop now so there's likely nothing I can really do. I suspect this will rumble on, as he's not a priority for the op so things may change in the meantime. But which way it will all go, who knows.

Well, I imagine the op won't happen until after he's moved out, and given he is now your XH, it isn't your problem. Given what happened to my H, it's reasonable to predict that whatever happens won't be good.

Nothing to update.
I'm really confused about what is happening with XH House hunt.

On the one hand I've seen docs relating to a large property, in the most perfect location - he will love this and how much 'better' it is than my house. DS will be dazzled. This upset me because it feels a stab in the back to have invested everything in my marriage (financially, emotionally, mentally), for him to literally saunter off and get something so perfect. I realise, even if it's this house, it's based on literally no foundation or stability (the opposite of my position), but still, it stings.

That said, he's still nipping out for viewings and so perhaps the perfect house fell through...

I know I'm investing too much thought in this and need to let it go. I'm eager to start talking to DS about it now, he needs some time to prepare, but I still can't, not yet.

With regard to decree absolute, I feel bone crushingly sad and depleted of energy. Yesterday I booked a day off and went out for a long walk with some lovely friends. It made me feel lots better, but equally it was a monumental effort to just get myself out the door to go. I feel I'm fighting back a dark cloud before it consumes me and it's exhausting.

I'm lucky to have many lovely friends though and I'll keep making that effort to get out. It's quite obvious once I'm out the door that I feel better.

You're finally grieving for what you've lost - the man you thought he was, who turned out to be all feet of clay, the marriage and the future you thought you had, raising your DS together, the vows you made back then. It is a big loss and you are allowed to grieve for it. That is normal. I would recommend going back to mindfulness and doing some reading on using it to sit with your difficult feelings. You may also need some counselling, because it sounds to me as if you are beating yourself up again. Stepping away from that is hard, but you need to work on it.

And you are also allowed to feel stabby when he goes on about his perfect house (which realistically isn't going to happen). Because let's be brutally honest, you deserve that a lot more than he does and it's OK to admit that.

I have been lucky enough to receive a LOT of rl support recently. But just thought I would update the thread - it seems the right thing to do!

I've really struggled this week, feeling mostly anxious, fearful and tearful. BUT, it's actually been good to cry. Simple things like a nice message from a neighbour, and telling my friends I am not ready to be joyful about all this yet and them totally understanding and telling me it's ok to not be ready yet, has tipped me over into tears. I've often felt I wanted to cry but cannot, over the last few years. I think this is part of processing and healing. I lost all notion of feelings and emotions while I was in the thick of a relationship with an alcoholic. I have some wounds to lick and some healing to do, and to do any of that I have to acknowledge it and feel it. It's like grief in that respect I think.... err... but more complicated because he's still in my house, definitely still alive and I'm still surrounded by his crap!

I realised I have focussed a lot recently on what HIS plans are (I still don't know, but there seems to be activity, phone calls with a letting agent etc). He's on a short deadline now. His solicitor has still not fulfilled part one of the agreement which should free up my mortgage, but other than chasing it, there's nothing I can do - he just won't get his money. My sol is being great. The rest is out of my hands. I feel calmer about it today.

Next steps are telling DS, telling DS school. These things I need to lead on, and I need to keep my focus on DS. I don't think I felt capable of this earlier in the week and that didn't feel good at all, but something has clicked in the last 24 hours and although I am terrified, I feel like I want to get on with things.

Move out day will come soon - I am scared about that, I don't know what it will look like at all, but this is also mostly out of my hands.

And I am scared about how things will look with regard to him spending time with DS in the future. Really scared. Everything I have read indicates that I should continue to enable the relationship between them. And anyway I cannot currently prevent overnight access based solely on the grounds of my own concerns, because the reality is, that there is no evidence of his alcoholism to the outside world. I just have to keep a close watch on things, with the support of DS school, and see what develops.
This is going to be new territory. I have to stand firm and be strong.

You are doing an amazing job for your DS @Tiddleypops - as this crawls towards denouement its only natural to become overwhelmed with it all.

Thank you @DishingOutDone. I think I am not so scared now of doing what is right for DS - I feel more confident that I am doing what is right for him, and in my abilities to always do my best for him... but what I am very afraid of, is conflicts over him with XH... Hmm, figuring that one out and separating the two things, is progress! I have always been afraid of conflict with XH. Not surprising really. I think this is all I have left to be afraid of now.