Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

She must have so little self respect. Who would want a man like that, who still lives with his wife too. I suppose while he's putting a whole load of spin on everything to make himself sound like the innocent victim of a witch wife, he is coming out with plenty of contraindications which one day will catch up with him!

Try very hard not to give him so much head space. I know it's difficult if you can hear every word he's saying, but it's a waste of your emotional energy. Soon he'll be gone, his new woman will see through him and eventually he will end up a lonely bitter old man.

You are so right @pointythings. It's out my system now. I even sense checked with my most angry friends and they agreed that he is just so full of hot air and that I am so much better off just rising above it. They laughed at him and so I could just laugh it off too. Why do I care what he thinks and what he is telling someone else? Well I don't, not one bit. It doesn't change anything in my life, or with the outcome of all this. In fact, the only affect it seems to be having on me, is that he's so busy in his fantasy new life that he's mostly out of my hair and nice enough to my face.

Yuk. So sorry you had to listen to that! And that's why I keep saying when is he going as I thought he might spend that advance. Not going into too much detail here but my H doesn't earn enough to qualify to rent alone on a 1 bed so I was going to organise an advance for him too to get him out ASAP but my solicitor said it had to be paid direct to the landlord to stop him spending it!! So clearly its a thing that people - well mostly men I suppose - do.

Oh really @DishingOutDone? Yes it would have been better going straight to a landlord!
I've no idea what is going to happen but if he's signed an a agreement that he'll move out then that is what he'll have to do.... In about 3 weeks supposedly!

I have a good feeling that regardless of any advance or where its gone, now that you have that signed agreement you are nearing the end. We need to do some of that secret universe stuff

Just stand firm. You aren't responsible for what he's done with the money. If it's gone, he can go to the council and report himself homeless - he signed on the dotted line and took the money after all.

He's so so full of himself right now. The house is in a right state this morning and I'm angry that he feels it's his right to just leave mess and crap everywhere.
Deliberate I'm sure, to show me who's 'boss'. I could never just leave so much stuff in another person's way - but I realise while I have been shrinking away and being out of the house as much as possible recently because it's such a horrible place to be, he's simply expanded to take up the space I've left...... STOP! Why am I giving this so much headspace... I'll be able to change the locks very soon and begin to make it mine again. Soon.

I believe he's secured a rental with a friend. It's irrational, but I feel jealous 🤣 It's bigger and its closer to DS school.
Things will either fall apart very quickly, or he'll decide he needs to pull his socks up. I genuinely hope it's the latter but the former seems more likely.

He's got this idea in his head that he's going off to this wonderful new life, rid of me (because of course in his head now I'M the witch who has held him back all these years), wooing the highly insecure ladies who'll lap up his pervey old man lines, going out when he pleases to the pub over the road from his new place, living the bachelor lifestyle. He's poncing around like Lord Muck, it's insufferable! 🤢

However, I think this is all to my benefit and I need to try and remind myself of that as often as possible (hence offloading here!) He's actually easier to be around while he's in this fantasy world of him moving on to this much better life and leaving me on the floor. He feels powerful and big. This is how he sees it and he is loving it...it's difficult not to buy into it and believe it a little bit though! When I'm home I feel it, the fact he's taken over every inch of every room, I'm letting it get to me. When I'm away from home (I spent most of last weekend and this weekend away) I am much better at removing him from my head. The foundations of my new life are strong. But God, he's a bigger twat than ever 😂

I can’t believe it has taken you 2 years to get to this point.
Good luck, eye on the prize, he will be gone soon

You are some sort of superwoman; 100% right, all the time he thinks he is Billy Big Bollocks he is mentally moving into his batchelor pad and that's the goal of all the 2+ years of this. Does it look like it might be from 1st of the month or something?

Yes I think it must be 1st of the month.
Billy Big Bollocks made me laugh out loud 😂

So he's basically behaving like an incontinent dog, shitting all over his territory one more time to get one over on you. How utterly fucking pathetic, how utterly fucking predictable. I'm actually for you.

But you know that this is all one last sad hurrah on his part, and that soon the house will be all yours. And he will crash and burn. Meanwhile, let him ponce about telling himself he's winning. The delusion will soon come and bite him on the arse.

Not long now, hang in there!

Thanks @pointythings. I'm feeling very shaky at the moment. I'm seeing this big house, near the park, near the school, DS being drawn into the 'fun' house with exH and his mate cosied up like some weird couple! Probably perpetually pissed and letting him get away with anything. The mate has teens who don't live with him, but do visit absolutely adore DS, so he'll love it when they are there. At least there are more eyes looking out for DS I guess. I need to focus on that because what is best for DS is the most important thing.
This random life he seems to be heading for has no long term foundations, I know that, but I'm worrying about the short term at the moment. Trying hard not to live in the wreckage of an imagined future and be present though!

For a start it would be nice if his sol could do her bloody job. She's missed the first deadline by over two weeks now which is holding up my mortgage

OMG, he's asked (via sols) for an extension to his move out date citing some bullshit lockdown reason! And my sol had to chase 3 times to get them to respond to the mortgage company despite it being part of our agreement that this would be done immediately!!
We have a legal agreement and they are still trying to change it ffs!!!

The difference now is that I have the power to say yes... Or no....

If it were just the two of us, I'd say stick your extension! But I have DS to think of and I want to keep things stable. If he is in my debt (yes he already is in my debt about 400 million times over, but not in his warped head) it may give him a little win rather than something he can bite at. My sol has suggested a week to keep the peace.

I'm now less sure that he has somewhere sorted. Perhaps it's fallen through? Or perhaps it's not available and he's just spinning his sol a line to buy time? I'm not sure.

All that aside, I think the emotional upheaval of all this, alongside some other things I've had rumbling around the last couple of weeks, has made me less sure of myself. His 'Billy Big Bollocks' routine has affected me, I have been sucked in too far by it. Time to get my head straight and remind myself that alcoholics live in a world of denial. I do not need to buy into that anymore. Quite annoyed with myself for getting trapped by this again.

Give him a week but make it a hard deadline. If he ends up in a shitty Travelodge burning through his money, that isn't your problem.

Are you still attending your group (albeit online)? It may be time to seek out some support from them to stiffen your spine. I can't imagine lockdown with someone like him, it's bound to wear you down and there's nothing wrong with asking for some help.

There are some legit lockdown reasons for things not getting done - the DVLA has been very badly affected and I'm not even going to apply for a provisional licence for DD2 because (foreign) we'd have to send off her passport and wouldn't see it again for yonks. But this isn't legit, this is him stalling and panicking because he's not got everything in place. 100% his problem.

Yes the 7 days extension would be a set date, no quibbles. In fact he's done me a favour by asking for it via sols. If he'd asked in person I'd have probably been more woolly and vague and he'd have pushed it further down the line more easily.

I haven't been attending my group. I did a couple at the beginning but I found it a very difficult experience. I couldn't speak freely because of course he was here and even in the furthest part of the house, the walls have ears. I do really need to connect again though. It was reading a thread on the relationships board just now actually, where a woman is in a very similar situation to me, that made me realise I've slipped back. My resolve is not as strong. I've bought into his world again. I'm doing too much to please him etc. I may be able to must join my group this weekend.

If you can't, pm me. Have those conversations with me if you think it will help. You need someone at your back right now.

Thank you pointy

I think this last episode has served as a bit of a wake up call. I also stumbled across a thread in the relationships board which is someone whose experience is almost identical to mine. It's amazing how much more you can see when looking in from the outside.

As I said H asked for more time to move out than is stipulated on the order.
Also, his sol did not send required documents to remove his restrictions on the property within the time dictated by the document HE signed just a couple of weeks previously. My sol had to chase and chase and it eventually happened 2 weeks late.
It all serves as proof that he still does not take any of this seriously!

And yet, I had gone so far back into the FOG (fear obligation guilt) that I was feeling sorry for him that he was in this position!
Also feeling so very fearful of what is to come with regard to arrangements with DS, and how much he's going to slag me off to all who will listen, that I have convinced myself he will go easier on me later if I comply with all his wishes now. I feel stupid reading that back!

His criteria for a new place are ridiculously high and won't want to settle for less. He has complained there's nothing available but I suspect he means that there isn't a moon on a stick available.
He was like this when we were looking for our current house, nothing lived up to his lofty expectations and he sulked for weeks when I couldn't raise the mortgage for the only property that he was vaguely happy with (bearing in mind he could not raise a mortgage at all at the point because he was in so much debt!) How twisted is that?!
And I'm bending over accommodating it - again - at my expense!!

I feel sad that I have slipped so far. Fear has played a big part in this along with self doubt. Some reflection has been good though. Time to buckle up for the next round. I do not need keep the peace or help this man.

Sorry that's so long. I have done a lot of thinking in the last 24 hours and I needed to get it out.

I'm glad to see you've given yourself a metaphorical kick up the backside. At the same time, don't beat yourself up for backsliding. It's natural.

Mine also dithered wanting the perfect place, but he had to settle. Yours will have to do the same. Time to put the bitch face on and do what's right for you. His opinion of you doesn't matter.

Yes, I've accepted that backsliding is natural, especially given that we are contending with a global pandemic at the same! It probably was right to 'keep the peace' during lockdown and all the uncertainty earlier in the year, but things have moved on now and I must catch up. I'm sad I slipped back, I've had a good cry (in itself this is progress as I'd felt I couldn't cry before!)
Onwards now (gently!)

Definitely onwards - second wave is coming so get him out before it really hits and he has another excuse!

@pointythings has said it all, I know you two have other shared experience so I am glad you have support here at least @Tiddleypops.

As I said H asked for more time to move out than is stipulated on the order.
Also, his sol did not send required documents to remove his restrictions on the property within the time dictated by the document HE signed just a couple of weeks previously. My sol had to chase and chase and it eventually happened 2 weeks late.
It all serves as proof that he still does not take any of this seriously!

Can you cite this to solicitor(s) to support your intention to not givemore than 7 days extension? I think @pointy is right to mention Christmas because if he can, he will guilt you into dragging it out till then. A second wave means he should rush to get into a new place, not deliberately delay it so he can have "just one more (drunken) Christmas"

sorry bold fail

Well, he's been to see somewhere else apparently. I'm glad the request came from his solicitor because I'd have struggled to enforce the (new 🙄) deadline.