Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi
Can I join this thread please. I am at the end of a divorce currently and I am not sad that our marriage is ending because he has been unfaithful numerous times and I should have divorced him years ago!
BUT I am feeling really down right now,
1.we cant see our house which means after months he has moved back because we cant afford separate properties with our mutual outgoings until the property is sold and We live far from dd school and I cant get her there every day on my working shifts

1. I joined OLD and had a two month 'thing' with someone I really liked and have ended up being and feeling really stupid and used which has really knocked my confidence as first relationship since end of marriage

3.I am starting to feel really lonely, my friends are all at very different stages and I come home from work and just really alone. Its my birthday sat and I have nothing planned. I want to do something but just have no inclination to organise anything... I think I am starting to get depressed

1. we cant SELL our house not see it

Hi lost

That sounds really tough. It's such a drudge and the frustration is definitely there when you feel you have no real influence on progress, and feel stuck.

I can promise you that you are not stuck, but treading water.

Get some house rules set up so that you can have the space you need.

Don't mourn your fling (if that's the right word) It's served a purpose.. look for the .
positives wherever you can...they will carry you through this x

Sosogood Thanks for your word of encouragement
I’m just having a very down time.
Hard to feel like you have much to look forward to... but I know I do, in the long run

Hi lost

Sorry to hear about your situation. The only piece of advice I can give is not to try and fix everything at the same time. Just take baby steps, look at a single problem and think of solutions then try and put them in place.

Also reward yourself often ! Just small things, a nice bath, but yourself a cake or a nice coffee. Just something that makes you feel a little better.

Hope things improve for you soon xx

Hi crumpets

Yes they're both good kids, I'm very lucky. I give the eldest a bit of a hard time sometimes due to him being a typical 16 year old (lying in when he gets the chance, being messy, sometimes seeming ungrateful when I run around giving him lifts everywhere) but I felt so proud when he told me that he keeps forgetting that things are hard for me at the moment and he's sorry if he comes across rude or selfish but he doesn't mean to.

I've been thinking a lot less about dh new life lately and just keeping texts very brief and to the point and only about the kids.

Unfriending on fb was a good move as I haven't been "stalking" anymore and must admit generally thinking a lot less about what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

Feeling a bit low just because the novelty of being on my own is wearing off a bit but I just need to keep busy. I'm not the kind to really go out into social situations too much so haven't been pushing myself into joining new groups and things but I have been walking with the dog a lot and obviously running around after the kids as well as working.

Must admit it's nice to be able to watch and listen to what I want without being complained at and have even got back into watching a couple of the soaps again !

Rock n roll! Hope you're all ok xx

Your thread shows how much of a strong and amazing person you are..your kids are very lucky to have you as mother..it's easy to forget how difficult this situation is ❤️

Thanks user33

That is really nice of you, has made me smile

Xx

I was just going to say you should take some credit for your lovely, kind kids Moo - I hope my two end up as considerate as your eldest

I think as the time from separation goes on, it really starts to sink in this is life now going forwards, which can be hard at times. And scary. All just another phase though. I’ve been thinking I need to try and join some groups to meet people somehow - I’ve been browsing but not actually joined any yet! Most of my friends have young kids so very much in that family stage. I’d like to try and meet some people in my new - erm - incarnation as single me! baby steps

Thanks a lot crumpets- you may think differently if you heard me bawling at them to get up on a morning !

I think I need to make more of an effort with the few close friends I've got (like I say never really been a one for joining groups and being overly-sociable ) but one of my friends is a photographer and she's asked me to come down to a local library at end of the month as she's got some photos being exhibited so I'll definitely do that plus make arrangements to meet up for coffee/a meal.

Youngest is round dh's tonight - confirmed on Monday with him and said I'd drop him off at 7.30 and said if he could bring him home for 10pm. Again, confirmed this today. Just got a message "you picking him up at 10pm?" to which I briefly replied "No as agreed you're bringing him back" and then got "ok it's just very cold out"

I then just sent a one word reply that said "Drive ?"

So clearly he's has a drink if he's walking him round - so much for his drinking being due to being in an unhappy marriage ! But that's not my problem, as long as he brings the youngest home as agreed then all good - he was obviously just trying it on to save him having to walk out !

xx

Wow Moo that really is taking the p**s by your H!
I realised today - when my husband was messing me around about the days he has the kids - that I really shouldn’t expect him to be better about these things now than he was when married! I don’t really know why I did but for some reason I was expecting him to be different. Which is a bit foolish really.

I guess the key is to keep trying to just be polite.

Yeah me too crumpets ! He was always a bit like this when we were together, would do anything to get out of doing something he wasn't keen on. Plus had usually had a drink every evening so it was always me that did the lifts with the kids if they needing taking anywhere.

But, like you, I expected once he was out of the marriage that he would be different! But it's fine, I didn't overreact or get involved in volunteering to pick him up (like I may have done previously) - which felt good so that's obviously the right way to handle when he tries being awkward.

He's going around again on Friday so no doubt we will have the same conversation - but ds may be staying over so perhaps not. Dh got a single bed for the spare room in case one of them wanted to stay at any time, and the youngest says he thinks he probably will soon, just wants to get used to the house a bit first.

xx

Bloody ex's...I bawled like a baby today over his ineptitude.
Quite why I expected any different....well, that's on me.

Deeply frustrating and disappointing. Objectively speaking, I'm improving and getting stronger as time passes. However I fixate and dwell far too much on his idiocy, instead of patting myself on the back.

Gahhh ffs😵

Oh no Soso sometimes things just seem so b*dy hard!

I’m having a bad day today. No idea why really - just feels very raw and real today and feeling hurt again at how easily my husband seems to be moving on. And just his general lack of emotions/dry approach to it all.

Big hugs soso and crumpets

It's so hard isn't it ? When they seem so cold and matter of fact about it all. But I know even though dh is acting as if he's not bothered, I know he will be deep down and he is probably having all the emotions that I am in a way, just can push them aside easier.

We will get through it though - the bad days won't last forever and will get fewer as time goes on. Just look after yourselves and do whatever it takes to get you through the dark times.

xx

How long will it take to get there?!?!
Hate these up and downs. My OH left 1 month ago after he had an affair and I made him leave. We have a 6yo.
I'm so sad. Feel sick!
He's been on dates but not with the person he had an affair with for a year!
Find myself crying for no reason just well up!

Sorry to hear you're feeling down amaz24

That sort of betrayal must really hurt and it will take time for things to get better and heal, but I know they will. It's still early days for you so don't feel concerned about still being in such a state.

It's a cliche but you will be a stronger person after all of this - don't feel angry at yourself and make sure you reward yourself whenever you can.

Take care xxx

Don’t know if anyone else caught it but there was a good piece on kids and divorce on woman’s hour this week ( I think Wednesday) - it’s available as a podcast.

Nothing earth shattering but interesting. What I found positive was it was presented by Jane Garvey ( who is divorces) and it was really nice to hear her saying so emphatically that it does get better and you end up in a happier place. Obviously everyone is different but still nice to hear!

Hi crumpets

Thanks for that - I listened and was comforted to hear that alot of her suggestions on how to deal with the children were the same as how we had done things.

I've ordered her book as sounds like it could be interesting- sometimes the reassurance from an "expert" is all you need to prove that you're doing ok.

xx

I'll have a listen to the podcast over the weekend I think - need some stories of positive outcomes.

I think it's so hard to be positive about your position and future when you're still coming to terms with what you have lost - and not always what it was, but what it could have been. And it's easy to put on the rose-tinted glasses and reminisce too. Harder still when you see that your ex has already moved on and is putting everything into a new 'happy' relationship a handful of weeks after splitting up. But I've realised that while my ex appears to have moved on so easily (and I'm sure he likes me knowing it, as I initiated the split), I don't think he really has dealt with all the emotions. I'm hoping his subconscious is serving him up some interesting dreams to remind him he's moved on too soon

The other day I felt in a good mood (one of the ups in among the downs) and I think it must've showed when I spent some time with him. He became quite grumpy and I'm sure on some level he doesn't like the idea of me having moved on and found happiness too (I have to say I haven't and I know it'll be a long road but I do have days when I feel quite optimistic about the future). I'm hoping that there'll only ever be more of them.

Claudia

You are so right about mourning the ‘what could have been’. In some ways since the separation I have addressed some of the things my ex found fault with me about - not the bonkers ones, but the ones where there was a grain of truth. Hasn’t been a deliberate thing but I have become more energised, am doing more etc ( although mainly because the relationship isn’t dragging me down!). Am sure it will change but he has also done some of the things I’ve always wanted him to do - so when I agreed to swop days this weekend he sent an email saying how much he appreciated me doing it. I don’t think it could have changed in the relationship and I don’t think it alters things now - but it does make me sad. The loss of the relationship we used to have and the potential for what it could have been.

I’m currently out of the house so ex can do bath and bed - meeting a friend in an hour but having a drink on my own atm. I’ve realised one of my tasks for the year is to try and meet some new people, through groups or whatever. I’m fine in my own company but am better when socialising etc some of the time. I don’t want to fall into the trap of it being just me and the kids - as that wouldn’t be right for me ( although it may very well be for others!). It’s just the how now!

Lodger I thought I had had to help with finance just pulled out - two steps forward, one step back.

Sorry for the ramble, hope everyone is having a good/ok/peaceful night. And thank you again from me to everyone who posts on this thread - it often makes me feel much less alone and reminds me there are a lot of lovely people out there

Btw I think we should all give ourselves a collective pat on the back about how flipping reasonable we have all been!

Hi crumpets

Hope you have a good evening. I know what you mean, when dh sends me messages thanking me for everything I've done is does make me sad - but like you I know that it doesn't really change anything.

Also like you I have taken onboard some of the complaints he had with me - and again, I feel the same - I feel less dragged down by the relationship that I do naturally feel like doing more. The dog has never had so many walks and the treadmill has come back out the garage and I've started using that again. I used to run a lot when I was younger but got problems with my knees so gave up - but gonna give it another try but just go steady each day.

The worry I have is making sure I do make the effort to socialise. I am happy on my own, have colleagues at work and some close friends but generally do spend quite a bit of time on my own of an evening which im fine with but just need to make sure it doesn't discourage me from arranging things with others. My sister in law (dh brothers wife) has asked me out for coffee or a drink whenever I get a chance so I need to just make sure I do things like this.

Xx

Hi crumpets

Hope you have a good evening. I know what you mean, when dh sends me messages thanking me for everything I've done is does make me sad - but like you I know that it doesn't really change anything.

Also like you I have taken onboard some of the complaints he had with me - and again, I feel the same - I feel less dragged down by the relationship that I do naturally feel like doing more. The dog has never had so many walks and the treadmill has come back out the garage and I've started using that again. I used to run a lot when I was younger but got problems with my knees so gave up - but gonna give it another try but just go steady each day.

The worry I have is making sure I do make the effort to socialise. I am happy on my own, have colleagues at work and some close friends but generally do spend quite a bit of time on my own of an evening which im fine with but just need to make sure it doesn't discourage me from arranging things with others. My sister in law (dh brothers wife) has asked me out for coffee or a drink whenever I get a chance so I need to just make sure I do things like this.

Xx

Hi Moo i also used to run, have bad knees but am hoping to start again!

It was lovely to see my friend last night - I do think I need to try and meet some new people though as most of my friends have young D.C. and so are ( understandably) very family focussed. I also have good colleagues and some close friends but would end up spending a lot of time on my own. I don’t want to pack my time but think I probably need something for when my kids are with my ex. I know I’d be fine on my own but I want to be better than fine!

The other thing I am finding a challenge at the moment is I have quite a few friends that are making big changes, but as a family at the moment. So 3 close friends are moving away (2 abroad) for fantastic opportunities for them as a family. Besides the fact I will miss them, it does make me sad in a self pitying way for myself. It just feels like my life has got so much harder. I know I can do it and will get through it but sometimes I just don’t want to, if that makes sense!