Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Votes on titles for new thread? Something positive definitely.

"New beginnings"?
"Hope and hugs for those going through separation and/or divorce"?
"Feel the fear and do it anyways - separation and divorce support thread."
Yeah, I should probably be writing cheesy HBO miniseries....

Hi All

Sorry for being a bit absent lately. I must admit I've been struggling - I guess with just finding out OW is "real" (if you see what I mean!) then it has set me back more than I expected it to.

But I know the worst thing I can do is to disappear into myself as that won't help. So I've been pushing myself every day to get out and make sure I take the dog for a walk twice a day, been working and just generally trying hard to push thoughts of ex and OW to the back of my mind.

Situation isn't helped I think as eldest gets his exam results on Thursday so I always know that when there is something going on that makes me anxious then it always makes everything else seem worse. I guess when single you don't have that other person to try and help take the pressure off - although in reality ex was never much help like that, would always just have a go at me if he felt I was getting anxious about something. So perhaps I'm better off handling it myself as I always got zero sympathy from him.

I just keep thinking back to how ex behaved particularly in the last year before we separated. It actually shocked me when I realised how awful he'd been - things he said to me, the way he behaved towards me. I guess at the time I just pushed it to the back of my mind as I was in denial. I now realise it was probably his way of trying to force my hand so I would end it due to his behaviour and he wouldn't have the guilt of having to do it.

I have been keeping contact with him to an absolute minimum, only messages that need to be sent regarding kids arrangements and keeping them as brief as possible. And I'm even encouraging eldest to communicate with him on day to day things directly (partly to make it easier for me and partly as I'm trying to get him to take responsibility for his own things, ie training, making sure he has organised lifts for his own day to day activities as he is at the age now where I think he should be doing it more).

It is definitely helping - the urge it still there now and again to have a rant at ex but I know it won't help - I would just get either no response or some sort of patronising, passive-aggressive type answer.

crumps Good to hear that you're getting your head around things. I agree totally about the always wanting to be the good person in that you end up going too far and letting ex off with things. I've got alot more strict about ex taking eldest to his scholarship through the week - I used to take the lions share of the lifts as for some bizarre reason I felt guilty about handing them over to ex to do. But now he does his fair share and up till now he's never complained. And it makes it so much easier for me - I think I'd forgotten how to do that (prioritise myself over him and make things fair).

eve Sorry to hear about your holiday being cancelled. I hope that you get some answers. Also sorry about the parenting issue you've found out - I think we're all prepared to sometimes overlook things relating to our relationship with ex but when kids welfare is concerned then it's a different situation entirely. I hope you can get it resolved.

diskdrive Sorry you find yourself here but welcome. Your kids are a similar age to mine (16 and 12) and having older kids does have its benefits as they seem to be able to comprehend things so much better and can make their own minds up about things. Both my kids have been a great source of support for me. It is so very sad though the ex can seemingly just brush off many years of a relationship/marriage seemingly so easily.

crab Good to hear from you again. Glad to hear you're doing well. What sort of biking do you do ? Pedal or engine ? :-)

Reading alot of the latest posts makes me realise that we all seem so much better people without our ex. Yes it's hard, yes we've been stabbed in the back and been through the wringer but we all seem to be able to look at the positives. One thing someone mentioned earlier on in this thread is that it pays to focus on what we have, not what we've lost. I've used that alot lately and instead of thinking about ex and ow, I think that I'm in the house with the kids for the majority of the time. This is their home - he will never have that anymore. The three of us will continue to be a family unit without him. Yet when they're with him it will either be just him, or him and ow and her kids - doesn't feel the same to me.

I also did something the other night that I haven't done in years - got a bit drunk! It wasn't intentional as I was just watching a movie at home and I normally have a couple of drinks but I must have got a bit carried away. It actually wasn't pleasant in the end as I was very sick later on (Anything past tipsy usually results in being ill for me!) but I didn't message ex and to be honest I would have thought that if I was going to do it, it would be when I'd had too much to drink.

I did message a few friends (nothing embarrassing luckily as I have the knack of sending coherent messages even when being a bit pished) and told a couple of them a few more details about what had happened with ex and ow (up till then they didn't know but I just told them things that I would have done when sober).

But for some reason I felt proud that I hadn't sent an emotional message to him! I guess it's all baby steps and shows that we are moving on.

I can't imagine dating websites etc. just yet but perhaps it's something I should maybe try in a couple of months just to see what they're like. I've had a couple of indirect offers from guys (both married) - as if they're doing me a favour! I think I will stay single if that's the best I can hope for in the future :-)

Hugs to all
xx

Still here just feeling very meh about everything right now.

Hi everyone and thanks for the kind words. moo, sorry you’re having a rough time re the ow. But don’t ever think you’re gonna be replaced and someone else becomes mum. Maybe if your kids were really young and only ever saw one parent, but that’s not how it is for you, or any of us I think thankfully. I read your post from the previous page and I was almost welling up. You have clearly done an amazing job as mum and your eldest already seems so strong and mature. So hang in there, we are all getting there and your thread has given us all strength. And many a time I’ve felt like writing to her- telling her what I really feel but I’m always glad I didn’t. The best way to get at these people is not to engage but just get on with life and show them as little interest as possible. They’re not worth the headspace, but I know it’s really difficult to hold it all inside.

Plus surely you get first dibs on naming the new thread? Btw it’s pedal powered- mountain biking to be specific. Have many happy memories from the alps and wales and hopefully will go on a decent trip next year when things are settled. And while I’m young enough still

sprite I found having a good old sob to be really therapeutic in the first months. Each time I let it all out and pulled myself together I felt just a little bit better. Gladly doing less now but still having good days and bad. Got my ds here with me for 8 days now for our second summer holiday so hopefully off camping again this week. He loved it last time! It’s great as my ex was never interested: she was too posh and posh people don’t camp. Her loss, the stuck up twat.

Hugs x

mammy are you still living with/next door to your ex? If so is there any way to get some physical space between the two of you?

Yes we are lonely he could move next door if he wished but I guess he just wants to prolong the agony.

Glad to hear you're going on holiday with your ds again. I would like to camp with mine again but couldn't face the questions as to why daddy wasn't coming this year, next year though.

Wished I'd read your post about sobbing before today, I cried in a meeting at work where I was being reprimanded last week, totally inappropriate & so unlike me too.
Feel like I've no place to just be now cow I'm on edge at work and at home now.

H lost it at mediation today so mediator closed it down, my only options now are through solicitors.

Gone for a long walk on beach as my escape this evening.

Moo sorry to hear being yourself is so hard, glad you've got your doggy to get you out of those, one of mine was put to sleep last month & other ones hip isn't great so he's not able to long walks

Hi mammy

Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear you lost one of your doggies - it’s so upsetting when you have to let them go as they become part of the family.

Also sorry to hear you got upset at work, I hope your employers are being understanding about your situation as it is so difficult trying to keep everything going with all the sh*t you’re going through. Hugs to you xx

Crab - Ah...mountain biking. Well that’s one thing you have in common with my ex (probably the only thing!) - he has been into mountain biking for years. Done the Alps a couple of years ago and went to Wales quite a bit. Although in last year or so he’s been less into the actual biking and more on spending money on biking things. But I hear he’s getting back into it again now he has someone to get himself in trim for . I used to go every now and again and it was quite enjoyable to be honest but I did a bit too much falling off

I think someone else should name the new thread as I had the honour last time. Can’t believe how the thread has grown from me posting whilst i was sat contemplating life on my first NYE as a separated person.

Having you all around has definitely helped me cope, you are all such good people. Maybe that could be the title - “A thread for the good guys out there!”

xxx

Solace & Support for those separating?

Moocow work have been great but I still can't see things from their point of view, they did take what I said about colleagues work on board & will review situation again at end of October.
They suggested bringing us both to office together to thrash things out but I didn't want this & asked for a month & if they still weren't happy then to do it. I'm going to ask in a month for an assessment of my behaviour again.
I was & still am in shock at this.

In a way my poor doggie being pts has helped a small bit of decision making regarding separation. I wouldn't have been able for two big dogs on my own with dc but one is more manageable for sure.

Evening all. See we are all still going through the ups and downs. But slowly adjusting to this new way of life.

My motivation has gone through the floor. I was really hoping these 3 weeks off would put me right. Guess I should get back to the doctors. But felt no better on the meds. And I am sleeping my life away. Not that I've got much of a life.

@Ilovecrumpets funny a little while back I actually watched a tv series. And I thought oh ex would like this. Then came over sad. I don't watch a lot of tv. He dominated what we watched so enjoy the peace instead.

@spritesobright. It is amazing how they skip off so happily Into their new lives. And fully expect everyone to go 'oh ok then. You want the kids for a month to play Happy families with ow. That's fab idea'. Who knows how it is working in their heads. I guess they just want to move on quickly to new chapter. And to not have to acknowledgment the upset this is affecting us or the children. Because then they have to see the upset they caused. And admit they left a shit storm behind. Through all this and the difficulties my ds has had ex has continually said. This isn't his fault.

@Moocow72 sorry to hear you are struggling. Fingers crossed for good result on Thursday. I too look back and see how badly ex behaved towards me and the children. Very manipulative to try and force my hand to kick him out so he wouldn't of been the bad persons. Coward that he was. I was still hanging on there. Believing the lies he told. The children and I. Deserve so much better. As do you. We have all come along way.

@Lonelycrab enjoy camping. I hope the sun comes out for you

@mammynowanauntyIRL sorry to hear you are having a tough time at work. I know I have struggled this past few months and they have been very supportive. But know that good will won't last much longer. I keep debating getting myself signed off. But work distracts me even if I'm doing a slightly rubbish job. Hope it is soon resolved for you

Still think we should plan a meet up in the new year and raise a glass to us all. We have come so far. And think that deserves to be celebrated.

Getting signed off wouldn't help me as I need the outlet from house & spent a good bit of early part of year off with flu too. Do you think it'd help you eve

@mammynowanauntyIRL I don't know. I have debated taking some time off. But work distracts me. And I struggle to fill the eow without the kids. And if I got signed off the situation will be no different. And my work will pile up until I go back. Just wish I wasn't so tired. I have little bursts where I get on with things. But just want to sleep.

Oh Mammy I'm so sorry to hear about your work incident and not feeling like you can relax at home or at work now. That's tough. I went back to work for a week after the big 'reveal' but wasn't coping and they luckily were very accommodating with stress leave and I took a month off. It was so helpful and actually they took a lot of my extra work away and they have to consult with an occupational health person who will advise on what's manageable going back into it.

I've chosen to be really open at work about what's going on but I realise that's not everyone's style or what their work environment allows.

DH and I having a row over the renovations, of course. I approved some extra work on the garden without consulting him and he flipped. He clearly has control issues that have manifested big time through the midlife crisis but he thinks he's being 'reasonable'.

I know that a lot of his frustration is actually about the fact that he left and I'm still here and he can't control me any more and he has to let go. He said he's "quite shocked" that I approved the extra work without him because "it's still his house." Well yes, but he hasn't been here to manage the renovations, take care of the kids or make do without a kitchen whilst it's all going on.

Plus frankly, any shock he's had is absolutely nothing compared to what he's given me.

Am trying to be Zen about his blowups (essentially grown up temper tantrums)and just get on with things as best I can. It helps that he's away and I can ignore his texts and emails.

Okay, it was probably crazy to take on renovations with a volatile, separated DH with control issues but at the same time, I really needed and wanted some rejuvenation and renewal after the chaos he's caused.

Eve34 it sounds like you needed the rest and don't worry too much about not being 'productive' or needing to rest. Sometimes just getting through the day is accomplishment enough.

The "it's not my fault" thing kills me. Who's fault is it then? They are like two year olds throwing their toys out of the pram and then screaming that they're gone.

P.S. I love the idea of a meet up in the New Year but we are probably all in opposite corners of the UK. Any Londoners about? That's me.

Kind of Londoner here. Work in saarf London (geez, init bruv) and probably moving to just outside. Would be great to put some faces to names.

My suggestion is “Getting there slowly....hugs along the way”

I always found the .... in the thread title to be kinda comforting. I know. I’m a weirdo

I can get to London for trip out.

I'm in ROI as my username gives away I guess.

sprite I've told my superior, who asked my permission to tell my boss, told four work colleagues out of five, the other is just a colleague, we're not close and I don't want to tell him as it's nothing to do with him.

Work have taken some of my adminstrative duties away since the fallout last week so hopefully that should help matters too.

I was asked prior to reprimanding if I had learned anything from a job that had crept up to me, expected answer was that I'm not doing it right, and I said I had yes that I need more help, my job was once a three person role and has become busier again. Don't know whether it was taken on board or if it's in an attempt to help me out while things are tough at home or what but it's welcome nonetheless.

sprite your H probably just said yes to renovations thinking you'd do what you'd always done and consult him, rather than be independent and make your own decisions.

I'm beginning to open up to people about separation but not broadcasting it as the children don't know and I don't want them to find out from a third party.

We need new thread soon!!

single parenting & dating video

mammy it’s funny because I first thought you were from Ireland, but somewhere along the line thought the irl stood for in real life! So have this image of you living in England or something.

It must be really hard not to tell your kids and play a sort of image of normality instead. I really hope that the right time to tell them happens soon but of course only you know when this is. But holding up an act like that must be so stressful on top of living alongside your ex. I really hope you can move your separation/divorce on so that you can look to the future but understand it’s never easy with jointly owned property. From what you’ve said about your ex, you deserve a better life for you and your dcs. Hope you can find it soon.

eve well at least that’s me, you and sprite sounds like she’s up for it. crumps? moo? Any more takers?

Ps might have a date next week! Nervous? Me? (Bites fingernails frantically)

Ooh lonely date wow!

Hi all

I’m all the way up in the North East of England so may be difficult. But if I come into some funds I will get myself a train ticket

Oooh crab a date - I’m impressed. So many of you seem to be getting your heads together and considering future relationships but I feel so far away from that at the moment tbh.

I’m happy for Crab’s suggestion for the new threads title. Quite partial to some ....... myself...........

Getting there slowly....hugs along the way New thread didn't want to risk us all losing contact

Well done mammy

Just wanna thank you moo for this thread. It’s helped me so much it really has. And thanks to all of you for being such lovely people
Hope to see everyone on the new thread...

hugs xxx

Lost post. 😀