Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

I am going to borrow the elastic band idea to see if it works as I am struggling with it too. I know deep down that splitting up was the right thing to do but it's so hard seeing him move on so quickly without barely a tear shed (although rebound must come into it).

I also feel angry that I am sure he is pulling out all the stops to be the ideal partner and I have to somehow draw a line under the fact that he rarely 'pulled out all the stops' for me. The whole thing just makes me feel very sad.

Hi new to this looking for advice / help
Separated from H end of August as marriage was not working anymore H moved out October , we have 2 children and a mortgaged house in joint names he is now pushing for the home to be sold which I do not want to do I know I am entitled to stay here until the youngest is 18 but he is threatening to move back in if I do not sell , he is renting somewhere so all set up I cannot afford to buy him out and if I sell and try and rent somewhere it will probably be nearly double the mortgage payments that I am making at the moment I have taken on all the household payments on my own H is not paying for anything anymore , has anyone been in this situation??

Hi Djc82 I think you have had some good advice on the thread you started on this now that has hopefully helped. As people said there unfortunately you do need some specific legal advice as there isn’t an entitlement to stay in the family home - although it can on occasion be granted. I will also have to sell my family home and move to somewhere much smaller ( effectively starting again in a flat). It is one of the awful aspects of divorce. Try not to panic though as this will all take time even if it does have to happen.

Hope everyone is doing OK. sosog i have to admit it took me a while to fully comprehend that yes they were actually flirting!

claudia hope the band helps a bit. It is so hard not dwelling on them and trying to focus on yourself and your life. We will all get there though!

Moo - hope you are doing OK

Sorry but I'm laughing at how inept we all are at dealing with flirters!

I was always like this, got myself into a few situations many years ago with people who had been openly flirting with me and everyone saw this except me !! The shock (and horror usually) on my face when I realised they were trying it on was apparently priceless !!

Hope we're all doing ok, my current mood is best described as "strange" tbh. Still struggling to comprehend dh moving on and I have to blank out any thoughts of him coming along and saying that he has a new partner and he wants the kids to meet her ☹️ But I try not to dwell on it as if it happens, I know we will make it work.

When I was feeling a bit sad this morning I said to myself "If I could close my eyes now and go back to six months ago before any of this happened and re-write history so that he never asked for a separation would I ?" And the loud and clear answer was "No" - despite the sadness, stress, worry and pain I really wouldn't want to go back to the way things were, I certainly don't miss being complained at, being sworn at and made to feel I was to blame for the fact our marriage was crap (and had been for years according to dh) - that resentment I used to feel when he offloaded his frustrations onto me (usually when drunk) I don't miss one bit and I've realised that since he's gone I don't have that same feeling of dread when he would start on at me. Yes it's replaced by different feelings, some of them unhappy but certainly nothing close to the way I felt before.

I should thank him as I would never have asked to separate - but maybe I'll save that for a few months time.

Xx

Hi Moo I guess in time we maybe all need to get better at the flirting business - for fun if nothing else

Your comments about going back ring really true for me. I had a very interesting experience this morning - because of my previous PND I see a psychiatrist. I’d made an appointment again just before my H told me he wanted to separate ( because I was feeling so depressed). It was really interesting as when I was at the appointment I suddenly realised that although I feel incredibly sad and devastated I actually feel less depressed ( in that what is the point of my life way) than I did before. I suspect because I too would never have left ( because of the kids) and just felt trapped in this incredibly negative and unpleasant situation with no hope really - but I couldn’t see leaving as the answer. It was quite a realisation!

I think it goes again to understanding I am mourning the relationship I once ( quite a long time ago) had with my husband not what it had actually become. He was crying after leaving the kids yesterday - I started to feel bad for him as I am still in the house etc but then remembered I’ve cried for days on my own about his decision!

I’m sure there will be dark times ahead, and I suspect when I face the reality of selling the house and only being able to buy a small two bed flat, plus generally having less money it won’t feel quite so easy. I really want to try and hang onto the thought that things really weren’t great though. I hope that also may mean it might be a bit easier to end up amicable with my husband.

Sounds like we are in very similar headspaces at the moment crumpets

I think it's ok to feel sorry for your dh, after all the reality of what a separation really means will hit him hardest when he leaves the kids and that is perfectly understandable, but not your fault as like you say it was his decision and you've had to deal with the fallout of that, and so does he - it's just that he called it.

I do feel sorry for my dh a lot (not the fact that he's moving on and probably having deep and meaningfuls with another woman) but the fact that he's living apart from his kids, and he must have thought that was the only way to be happier, which is one hell of a sacrifice really as if tables were turned I doubt I could just turn around and walk away, even if my new life had its advantages ! (Ie living a single life).

So I think sympathy is ok about the kids situation, but I just try and not let it cross over into our situation - I will never sympathise if he wakes up and feels sad that I'm not there, or if he feels lonely or even regrets it. He's made his decision as far as our relationship is concerned and i can't imagine there'd ever be a way back even if we both wanted one (which we don't!)

We just have to look after ourselves and get the support we need for ourselves and our kids.

I know what you mean about the sadness/depression difference. I have had anxiety and depression for many years and actually was starting to come off my anti d's just before dh asked for the separation (great timing huh?) just because I wanted to try life without them as sometimes I feel like my tablets, although great for taking the edge off the anxiety/depression can leave me feeling a bit numb if that makes any sense.

I am at the moment taking a tablet every couple of days because I didn't want to come off completely with everything that's going on - but I feel ok depression-wise at the moment so perhaps my mental health problems were caused more by my marriage than I thought they were.

Hope everyone is having a good day xx

Moo I think I’m starting to realise that more of my depression was down to my marriage more than I realised - I don’t mean it was caused by my H or anything but I do wonder how much the situation - and the lack of support, feeling I had no control ( because I wouldn’t leave the kids I guess) might have contributed. I guess only time will tell!

I had just come off my anti Ds about a year before my H told me. I was thinking about going back on them just when he told me but then didn’t want the weeks of things being worse before they kicked in as I started taking them again so didn’t. Be interesting to see whether I do need them again.

It is a strange time atm! Hope you have a peaceful evening

@Ilovecrumpets just wanted to jump in and say I no what you mean about anxiety / depression going easier since your split. I feel the same way! Last year I was seeing a counsellor due to anxiety! Didn't no where it was coming from and didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was! I knew there was something not quite right in the marriage last year, but was always reassured he was totally happy blah blah blah! Then out of the blue came the spit and then Found out about the OW! And I can honestly say I have not had that level of anxiety since it's like it lifted and a weights been lifted! Very strange as I didn't realise how much my marriage was contributing to it. Deep down and in hindsight it's like I knew there was something serious wrong (gut instinct) but because he kept reassuring I felt like I was going mad!! But anyway that's my experience too it's strange how things can happen as again I would never have left the marriage and would never have found out how much of a negative impact it was having on me xx

@sunflowers4 - I think you are probably right that sensing something is wrong in your key relationship must have an effect, particularly if the other person won’t engage or acknowledge it.

I’m having a low day today - suspect it is because I have been off work unwell for 2 days. Which makes me reflect I probably rely on work for my adult interactions too much. Also the fact that I am now alone and this is really happening and it is forever is slowly sinking in. For some reason today I keep thinking about the future and all the plans I thought I had, plus holidays and even retirement! No doubt it will pass and hopefully tomorrow will feel brighter.

I love .... It's like you're in my head.

I understand the worrying about the future. I'm not coping well at all. (I probably am but because I'm sick, the exhaustion isn't helping...)

I still worry about whether I've done the right thing, whether my life will ever improve. It's like everything is such a tall order for me right now.

Agree re work and adult interaction. It's all too easy to 'hide' behind the kids and hit pause

Soso I know what you mean about things feeling a tall order. I guess the fact we are all feeling similar shows this is just a process and hopefully time will help.

My eldest is really struggling today which is getting to me. Also we currently have a nanny ( lucky I know) but will need to look for someone for fewer days come September. I’d be honest with her and let her know this ( mistake in retrospect) and she had said she would stay on until then but then today mentioned this other job she wants to go for. It will mean more change for the DC if she leaves and just feel so sad for them and so worried about them as well. My eldest is trying so hard and I’m worried it would be too much for them someone else leaving .

Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment - illness makes things so much harder at the best of times so not surprising you're both struggling at the moment. Hang in there, it will pass. Just make sure you get as much rest as possible.

I was just wondering what everyone's opinions were on social media with the ex ? We are obviously still friends on Facebook and neither of us are avid posters, neither of us have mentioned the split on fb but I still feel uncomfortable being friends on fb at the moment.

I've found myself a few times going into fb messenger to see when dh was last active, especially on evenings when I suspect he may be with "her".

I'm thinking I should give him the heads up and unfriend so I can't do this, but worried about seeming petty as like I say, he has barely posted in weeks and said he would never "air our dirty laundry" or post photos of his new life on there (mainly cos the kids are also on both our friends lists, well, eldest is now just on mine as he unfriended dh ages ago as said he was embarrassing him !! )

Thoughts ?

Moo that’s funny as I was wondering exactly the same thing last night.

I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t unfriend as hope in the future to get to a place where we’d want to be friends on social media. Or it might be useful in some way ( can’t think what though!). But then couldn’t decide if that was also a bit me being in denial in some way. So sorry no help! I did think to myself that I must stop myself going on his social media though ( although interestingly my Hs sudden lack of posting was one of the indications for me that he was probably having an affair).

I’m back to my old dilemma today that I think I would be much happier- or rather life would be easier - long term moving back to where I am from ( and where friends and family are) if I could get a job. I don’t think I want to have to work really long hours, not see the kids much to still struggle financially where I am. But then that would depend on H moving there - or at least being there at the weekend, but even just the weekend doesn’t seem as good for the D.C. as living in the same place. So much to decide long term!

I forced myself to call a friend last night when I was in a slump - made me feel a million times better.

i unfriended my ex - figured we could work towards being amicable, but we had to get the civil right, first.

hes one of these people with several hundred 'friends' including females half his age, and i didn't want to know or be in any way associated with that.

it nauseated me how his public persona was so different from the private one. i just couldn't bear the sycophancy tbh.

i deleted my own FB last year. I dont miss it. Anyone who wants to reach me can do so via Whats App etc.

My marriage was very very toxic though, and i knew i had to make a statement to him, that he didnt have the influence over me he thought he had... if that makes sense

i dont think its petty. I believe there is a strong element of self-preservation in there.

I cant tie myself up in knots over what hes writing or how people relate to him because i don't know.

Im try to go gray rock and it appears to be working!

Thanks all - I'm going to drop him a heads up message to say I'm unfriending for the time being. If I have any photos of the kids/dog that he would like to see then I can just whatsapp.

Hopefully we'll get to a point when we can be friends again, but for now I am just looking after myself, like I say he's not one for putting things on anyway but I'm struggling to think of any healthy reason why we need to be able to see each other's posts at the moment. And being friends it means I can checkup when he's active which again can't be healthy as I will just be imagining where he is and who is he with in the periods of time when he goes missing.

Hello all, can I join you?

Currently in the grim limbo between deciding to separate and telling the kids/DH moving out. We've two DS 2 and 6 (not dissimilar to you I think crumpets?) and have been together 15 years so it's all a bit of a WTF is going on for me at the moment.

We're just basically incompatible and have drifted apart to the point where we can't get back, sadly. I would certainly have tried but DH was certain that he didn't want to. I don't think there's anyone else but who knows. I don't think I really care about that, what I do care about is the kids, and the upheaval of everything, ours lives, my future plans. It all needs complete rethinking and at times that seems overwhelms me. I'm in my early 40s, I have to start again in so many ways. On a good day it is exciting and on a bad day it's terrifying...

We're not telling the DC til end of Feb and DH will move out end of March. I'm dreading telling them, the eldest is an anxious child, he will not take it well. We're having counselling to help us prepare for this, which is a positive at least, but the thought of his little face is what crushes me more than anything.

Sending you all positive thoughts xx

Hi Taranta

Great to hear from you - sorry that you're having to join our little club but it has certainly been a big help for me, so hopefully it will be for you too.

I find it all very daunting too, no idea where my life will be this time next year but in a way that is strangely exciting.

I unfriended dh just now which feels strangely liberating ! I messaged him first to tell him what I was doing and said I thought it was the right thing to do for now. His reply was "Odd. But ok. I think I unfollowed you a little while ago."

So not sure why he would think it's strange I want to unfriended when he's already basically not seeing any of my posts anyway. But hey-ho, doesn't matter whether he thinks it's odd or not - it's what I want/need to do.

Hi Taranta

I’m really sorry that you have ended up here too and are going through this. I hope you keep posting though and find the thread helpful - I know other posters here have got me through some very low days. I never thought I could get so much support from strangers on the internet! I’ve found it really helps to be able to share with others going through the same thing.

Our situations sound almost identical ( even our ages and the kids and the DH being certain he wants to end it) and those were/are also my worries. I think the thing I have found I’ve had to do is to just stop myself thinking too far ahead and just trying to break things down into small and immediate tasks. It is really tempting to try and sort everything but how you feel will changes so much, trying to just roll with things does help. When it feels overwhelming try and identify two goals that are important to you to try and achieve and then focus on them.

Re the DC I won’t lie telling them was probably the hardest thing I have done and they are still my biggest worry. If it is any consolation my youngest seems pretty ok - although this could be because he is used to my husband not being around much, also I don’t think he really understands.

My eldest is also very sensitive and a worrier - it hasn’t been long but so far he seems to be coping far better than I thought he would. He was obviously devastated when we told him but as he has seen his dad regularly during this week it seems to have given him some reassurance. I’m sure though there will be many challenges ahead and at present I am still in the family home. Again best not to think too far ahead I guess! I actually think the bit before telling them - where you are now - was the worst for me as it hangs over you all the time and it makes everything feel even less real.

As I’ve mentioned before a good friend said to me ( who is two years ahead in her separation) ‘ the sun will shine again’. And it will for all of us

Moo congrats on the defriending - your husband’s response made me think ‘if you can’t say something nice don’t say it’. It came across as a bit unnecessary and passive aggressive. Sounds like it was definitely the right decision!

He is definitely passive-aggressive. I also call him a "prodder" in that he'll find something that he knows winds someone up and keeps mentioning it. Then obviously when the other person eventually has enough and bites back, he's like all "well there's no need to be unreasonable and aggressive" etc etc

Having a bit of a carry on tonight as youngest is around his house, I dropped him off and assumed dh would walk or drive him round at 11pm as agreed. Now he's whatsapping me asking if I can pick him up as he's tired/ill. I said no as I've had a drink (not a big drinker but had a couple of shandies tonight so far so I never drive once I've had any alcohol). Then followed a toing and froing conversation via whatsapp of him saying he'll put him in a taxi - I said no as even though it's half a mile away I don't want an 11 year old in a taxi at 11pm on his own.

I then suggest our eldest call round at 11pm and walk his brother home as he is out also with his mates (he's 16) and would be coming home at that time.

Eventually he's just said he will walk him home.

Biting my lip through this as I'm pretty sure (not definite) that he went round "her" house after he dropped our eldest home at 9pm last night.

So too ill/tired to walk his son home half a mile but managed to go round and visit his new friend last night ?

One of the reasons I think he was round hers is he normally would go round later as she puts her kids to bed. Then he was off Facebook from 9pm till after 1am (one of the reasons I wanted to unfriend him so I couldn't check anymore) so if I were a betting girl i would say he went round hers at 9pm then stayed until 1am and went home.

Annnd count to 10 and breathe !!

Maybe I learned from the best - just whatsapped dh after he told me to "calm down - I will walk him home it's just that I'm ill so didn't want to come out in the cold"

So my reply was.... "Ok that's fine. Did you get an early night last night after dropping eldest off ? After all plenty of sleep is important when you're ill"

His reply "yes it is"

So he clearly knows that I've got a good idea that he went round her house after he dropped eldest off, and he will know (deep down as he never thinks he's wrong) that he's in the wrong by trying to get me to come out and pick ds up as he's so ill, yet he was happy to go around hers last night.

I almost replied to say "I'm not an idiot. Please don't treat me like one" but I thought against it - much better to just get my message across in a suitably passive-aggressive way !!

Ahh Moo

I know this is easier to say than do and you know this yourself anyway but try to stop yourself thinking/imagining him with her. That way madness lies. It is so hard but don’t let him have anything more of you, keep your head held high ( and remember the super nice texting approach) xx

Yes I know you're right - from now on I won't be able to suspect he's been round hers from his fb activity due to the unfriending so that should help in the future.

But I've gotta admit, sending that message about him having an early night last night made me feel good !!

And I resisted temptation to mention her directly in messages tonight so feel half proud of myself !

Will be fully proud when I don't even entertain any thoughts of him and her.

Was just astounded at him trying to guilt me into picking ds up because he was ill. But the days are gone when he could make me feel guilty for things. He has to take responsibility now.

Lesson learned is just agree in advance who is dropping off/picking up so that we don't have a repeat of this.

Thanks crumpets - how is your night ?

Yes well done on not mentioning her!

Feel a bit strange tonight - husband is having the kids overnight tomorrow which feels odd ( just worked out because of him being away so much and doing his thing weekends only been away 4 nights since my eldest was born). Plus he has to have them here so I will go to a friends.

Re the guilt - that’s the thing isn’t it, you sort of go along nicely for a while ( I guess because nothing is coming into conflict with what they want to do) then suddenly you get a flash of the person they are/were in your relationship. It’s a good reminder in a way of what being with them was actually like