Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

OP - your post was me back in June. Him and OW will be moving in together officially this year.

First thing l did was establish child care. He was rather shocked when l insisted on EOW.... interferes with his single life with her. Also he will now be using his AL to cover half school holidays instead of me using all mine and him using his just for himself.

Morning

So we told the DC this morning, my husband hadn’t really prepared so I had to do most of the talking. I’m not sure my youngest really understands, my eldest (nearly 6) was really upset, saying he doesn’t have a daddy anymore, that it was my fault for not being nice enough and that I would need to be nicer next time I got married so his next daddy wouldn’t leave . It was really awful but he seems to have calmed down now, keeps coming to me to discuss it on and off but isn’t really talking to my husband about it. Suspect when husband leaves tomorrow it will be very difficult again. I have a feeling my eldest will blame me mainly ( he has always tended to do this when my husband lets him down). But I can take that!

I feel relieved but really sad now, it truly feels like the end of my marriage if that makes sense. My husband seems completely unbothered and thinks everything has gone fine - I guess he checked out a long time ago. I’m trying hard not to be too upset by the way he seems so happy to be moving on, but it is hurtful.

Anyway as per the original title of this thread I am feeling sad but I will get there! I’ve arranged some counselling to start next week - can’t really afford it financially but feel I need it.

Hope everyone else is having an ok day.

Hi crumpets

So sorry it was hard and that your eldest blamed you - but I guess they are a bit young to fully look at things from everyone's point of view. But as he gets older he will understand more. I guess I was lucky that ours are 11 and 16 so neither seemed interested in any sort of blame.

Well done to you for being strong and it will get better, you have proved your strength by dealing with this pretty much by yourself by sounds of it (dh seems to be in his own little bubble).

Look after yourself and you should be really proud with how you've dealt with such an awful situation.

Xx

ThanksMoo

I know I will feel better come Monday night when I’ve been to work and come back to an evening on my own, rather than walking on eggshells.

You definitely will - make sure you focus on doing something you enjoy, listen to music that dh maybe would have normally complained about, watch a cheesy movie with the kids. Just treat yourself - you deserve it !

Watch out for a bit of a dip in the first few days though as I found I was running on adrenaline and then after dh had left, a few days later it really hit me like a train - cue the desperate texts to him trying to make him realise what a mess he'd left. But I took a deep breath, told myself no more looking back and I've been a lot better since. Occasionally I feel sad and I fully expect to be like this for a good while yet but I know it will pass so I just go for a walk, have a nice coffee, cake etc.

Nearly there ! Xx

Thanks Moo I know what you mean about knowing it will pass a and expecting things to be hard but that being OK. I don’t know if it is because I have suffered depression/anxiety previously and come through it it doesn’t scare me quite as much? Or rather I’m used to life being pretty sad and hard sometimes!

Just done the shopping order for next week. First time in 18 years not thinking for two adults. It’s the little things ....

It's the "firsts" of everything that seem hard but they're all a step in the right direction.

I hope you managed to put a couple of nice treats in the trolley for you as a reward! I usually find a nice shower gel or candle makes me feel better (I don't really have expensive tastes!)

Xx

That’s a great idea Moo - am going to add something now ( as am I also having to go on an economy drive so there will be a lot of homemade soup for me. ...)

So my husband just left. Didn’t even say goodbye to me, just to the boys and then walked out. I feel so low and as if this is a bad dream. I guess being so low though means the only way from here is up ( eventually 😉). I am trying hard to think of the person he became and our relationship as it was at the end, not the memories of what it was once.

You're doing so well crumpets - I think you can add not saying goodbye to you to your list of things to not miss! Focus on the positive, that he did say goodbye to the children. Let yourself feel sad and low for a bit, because it is sad, then give your boys a hug and try to find something nice to do for you. Is there a friend you could ring or who could come over to keep you company and give you a hug?

You've taken so many steps forward and things will be ok in the end.

Love and a hug
Ivy xx

Thank-you ivy

I will probably ring a friend, have a cry and then head to bed early. Tomorrow is another day.

Thank-you both Moo and ivy for all your support. It really has meant a lot to me.

Hang in there crumpets

This is the start of your new life and although it may not be the situation you ever imagined yourself to be in (it certainly wasn't mine) - you'll be surprised how quickly this becomes the new "normal"

Focus on the positives, things you can now do/enjoy and try and limit the time that you think of the things that made you sad (often easier said than done but having dc's is a fantastic distraction and can always guarantee to make you feel better about things).

You have done so well and come so far in such a short time - and like ivy said, the fact he didn't even say goodbye shows what sort of man he became.

In short, keep as busy as you can, make time to reward yourself and enjoy being with the dc's !

Xx

Thanks Moo am gald it is a Monday tomorrow - work is a great distraction!

My kids told me at New Year that I should be taking more time for myself and that I do too much for everyone.

I'm just over two years separated (been quite protracted tbh) Thought it was an interesting observation though, I get that kids see things more simply, but their perception alarmed me a bit (I'm not that full-on as a parent!!)

I always thought I'd be further on by now. More strong, confident...hard to measure I suppose.

Try your hardest to be kind to yourselves, even if you don't want to/can't be arsed.

It's going to be instrumental in lifting your spirits

That is a great observation by your kids sosog00d - how old are they ?

I am doing my best to look after myself as well as I can. A few people have told me that it will take its toll worrying about everyone else and making sure they are ok so I've been quite conscious of taking time for myself - nice warm shower, watching some soaps, nice bit of cake - doesn't need to cost anything but think it is important to reward myself every day for just surviving !!

How's it going @ilovecrumpets ?

Soso that’s so lovely your kids noticed though. Although I’d say if even the kids have noticed you definitely need to give yourself more time! It is hard though - I rushed back this evening, still had another 15 minutes of my childcare left. Was going to run upstairs and take over early and then stopped myself and though no, I will just take 10 mins to wash my hands and get changed.

@Moocow72 thank you for asking. Have an unbelievably sore throat which is agonising - suspect it is a case of having been running on adrenaline and now crashed. Hope the kids don’t get it. Last night was really hard, but I’m having a bit of a better day today. I forced myself to go into work and felt better for the routine ( even with a sore throat). My husband does the kids bath and bed tomorrow though so I will see how that goes.

Have been also trying to stop myself worrying about the future practicalities like having to sell the house etc and just allow myself to get used to this for a few weeks before even thinking about future stuff. I need my husband to engage with me on what his thinking is to do anything about that anyway so need to let my control freak tendencies go for the time being .

How are things with you? Hope you are feeling ok today.

Hi both, kids are 14, 11 and 7.

Little superstars...very kind hearted kids. I'm very lucky.

One day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time.

Sleep, dancing in the kitchen, time x

Hey crumpets

Sorry to hear about the sore throat - you are right that once the adrenaline wears off it can leave you feeling pretty grotty. Another reason to look after yourself!

I know what you mean about control freak tendencies - after dh initially suggested the split I was the one who sat down and put together a s/s showing all the outgoings and then highlighted who would pay for what and which ones would be split 50/50 so we could actually then work out with our individual salaries how viable it was. Dh admitted he wouldn't have a clue as I've always been the one to sort out most things tbh - to the extent that when he first moved into his rental place he was texting me asking me about boiler controls/lightbulb types etc etc because again I would have always done it!!

Fortunately as things are fairly amicable I didn't mind actually helping him out in those first few days, even to the point of telling him what size curtains to buy. He has said I am welcome to come into his new house when I'm dropping kids off etc but I've resisted temptation so far as knowing me I would start and Hoover and tidy up ! Plus it's just too much for me at the moment, this house is part of his new life and I'm not quite ready to see that yet.

I have had a few ups and downs last few days as more time is passing. I have to stop myself imagining if dh is with his "friend" and if so what is happening and whether they are more involved or not, as even though the marriage failure had nothing to do with that, the thought of him being part of a couple with someone else and even having stepkids is just too much for me to cope with at the moment. So I just blank it out. I have told dh though that if he gets involved in a relationship and there is a chance either me or the kids could bump into him with her (we all still live in same area) then I would expect him to tell me first and then we could decide when/how to tell kids.

Like you though I try and stop my brain running away with me and looking too far in the future. For now I want to get my eldest through his GCSE's this summer and then after that we can look into the actual divorce and financial implications etc

Hope you are feeling better tomorrow

xx

Moo I guess as time passes it really starts to sink in - plus whilst it is still just you and dh dealing with the kids it still is a sort of relationship. Once there is another woman and that is in the open it is yet another step/stage - I also find it hard to think about ( I’m pretty certain my husband has someone else, he mentioned there had been someone but it wasn’t going on now but I suspect he has picked it up again). For me it is the small intimacies that I find hard to think of - the chats, sharing texts etc.

I’ve actually copied a slightly odd idea I read about where you put an elastic/ hair band on my wrist and every time i think of him or start trying to think too far ahead I ping it and try to turn my thoughts elsewhere. Not sure if it is working but I’m giving it a try

Jeez what is it with guys seemingly always having to have someone else lined up ?!

I know that's probably a sweeping generalisation but the more I've read about my situation the more I seem to hear about so many women in the same boat. Husbands are unhappy for years yet won't do anything themselves until they literally know they have a reserve waiting !

Being honest I don't think my dh has cheated as such, it's not really his style but I'm also not daft and I'm fairly sure that him and this woman have flirted and pretty much suggested to each other that something would happen if he was separated - then lo and behold a few weeks later he is living alone so technically not cheating !

I just couldn't begin to get my head around looking at someone else in that way. In fact the other day a guy at work sent me a bunch of flowers to cheer me up which was a lovely thought (he's married and we've always just been colleagues/friends) and then proceeded to call me a MILF !! and it suddenly occurred to me is this how the rest of my life is going to be - inappropriate offers from married men who must think I'm fair game and desperate because I'm single again ??!

I know what you mean - my husband maintains that his thing never got physical when we were married ( do I believe him, who knows) - but very similar, apparently checked out of the marriage a while ago, but never would engage/voice his unhappiness etc. It is cowardly!

I also had a weird experience at the work Xmas dinner where several male colleagues (once drunk I was sober) told me how great I looked ( which was sort of ok in a clunky fashion, I had had a hair cut and lost weight) but then proceeded to flirt with me. Not sure if this was meant to be make me feel better - so a pity flirt ?!? - or if they were genuinely flirting. It was really odd! Particularly as the profession I work in isn’t one that is considered particularly gregarious.

That made me chuckle - what is it with these guys ?!! They must think all they have to do is fling a couple of compliments our way and we're a dead cert !!!

I don't think I know when someone is flirting with me
Deadly serious. It goes over my head. I think I have one if those "Eff off and die faces...."