Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Yep - that's exactly it. And it's a good thing really as like you say it's a reminder of the person they really are.

And he was certainly argumentative and seemed to think that I would be the one who would sort everything out for him - those days are long gone !!

Not that I claim to be 100% blameless of course but I just think all the things about himself that he disliked (I ie drinking too much, being snappy etc) won't just miraculously disappear like he thought they would once he'd walked away from the marriage.

But, like you say, it's wrong of me to give him more time by thinking about this. Just got to get on with my life and make sure the kids are ok.

Hope things go ok tomorrow night crumpets

I can imagine how strange this must be for you but if you can, try and enjoy the time to yourself to relax and have fun !

Thanks Moo looking forward to seeing my friend, and thi kit is probably good for the kids to get used to me being away a bit.

Finding today really hard - I remember from when my H was away for long periods I always found weekends difficult. I guess because it is ‘family’ time and there is no set routine. Brings it all home. I am heading out and emptied the bag I use for day trips. Ithad a load of stuff still in from the last time we all went out - which was before all this. It really upset me for some reason, thinking back to how I didn’t know what was coming but that he was planning it already, quite possibly emotionally involved with someone else and - from what he said - viewing me with contempt.

Yes it's hard, i have less of that "family time" sadness due to the kids being older and the fact that our family time had gradually dwindled over the last year or so.

But I did have a sad moment the other day when I thought back to a trip we'd had when our eldest was 4 and those are the memories that make me feel sad, as after all me and dh created this family and it was good and our boys are so precious. Just sad the way it has ended up.

I guess it's all about your new family time now (you and dc's) and making new memories with just the three of you. Not that easy, I know.

Hang in there crumpets xx

Hi everyone. Just checking in to say hi.
Is anyone else just really struggling with this depressing January weather? I wanted 2018 to be full of optimism and hope and I have to confess I am struggling to muster those feelings right now.

All I know is that I have to draw a line under the past now and look to the future. Those happy family times we've all had will be different now but we still have the memories of the ones we've had and hopefully we can look forward to more to come in the future... it'll just be a bit different now that's all.

Hi claudia

Good to hear from you - I know what you mean about the weather. We've got a dog and she's been my saviour through all this as having to walk her twice a day has meant I can't just wallow - but when it's cold and dark then it's less enjoyable!

Not long now though and we will start seeing lighter evenings and (hopefully) nicer weather.

Like I keep saying to my kids, we just need to get used to the new "normal" which is not easy but if we stick together and talk about how we feel then we will get there, and like you say make new memories which will be different to how we all thought they would be, but hopefully just as valuable.

Take care xx

ive made the mistake of googling " the truth about divorce" this morning. im clutching at straws to determine if i have really exhausted all options.

id say 10 years of counselling (on and off) show i did work on myself, my resilience, my communication styles. i tried to adapt, bend and shape myself because i wasn't accepted.

it saddens me to think i have subjected my children to a more difficult life (probably). He didn't do any work on himself, despite having a pretty strong propensity to anxiety.

Jesus i am tying myself in knots here. I guess i am confused by the line

"Women want their husbands to change when they marry" - i dont remember that at all. I only ever had expectations based on what he said he would do. Surely we all change/grow in a relationship?

Isnt growing the same as changing?

Sogog. It sounds like you did everything you could if you had 10 years of counselling. Did you feel like you effectively conveyed how you felt about the issues in the marriage to your husband? It sounds like he wasn't keen to deal with any issues he had which is probably at the crux of it all.

If I'm honest I know deep down it was the right decision to split but I also do tie myself in knots about it too. I think that's only natural after being with someone for such a long time and we worry about the implications on DC because we're good parents. And if we're good parents, our kids will be ok whether we're together or apart. (that's what I'm telling myself anyway!)

Soso I hope you are feeling a little less torn now.

I think when the future is uncertain it makes it very hard to not question a decision, and the draw of what is familiar can be very strong at times - particularly when it has been your life for so long. I find the days when I get on well with my husband actually the hardest - because then I start to think ‘was it really so bad, couldn’t we have just gone on’ ( even though he was the one who left I do know we couldn’t have gone on as we were).

And I think the kids make it so hard - because we all want to know that they will be OK. I guess the reality is we would never have known that, or know the impact of staying would have had on them. I think separation just makes you face the fact that you can’t make everything ok for your kids sooner perhaps? I was thinking today if someone could just magically tell me that my kids would be ok then I’d be able to deal with all of this! But of course no one can

Thank you both, I did convey my feelings and needs in lots of ways.
I am confident in that respect.

Nothing much I could do with someone who showed me I didn't matter, in so so many ways.

Then I just stopped. I had nothing left to give. The kids are faring better than before. I've been told they're thriving.

That's my biggest comfort and driver for now and the future.

Now to sleep ....

Oh Lordy, this feels like one step forward two steps back.

Feeling a bit sick at the moment - basically we used to share an Amazon account which was registered using dh's email. When we separated, he realised you could have "family" accounts that share Prime but means I login using my email, can only see my orders etc but still get Prime.

Anyway we have a computer we don't use much, kids use for homework and it was on today so I went to amazon to check something, not realising that dh's account auto logged in.

I went to my orders and lo and behold I discovered he'd ordered condoms a couple of days ago. I felt sick.

Now I know technically he's single, so it's just unexpected but I just felt such a mug - all those times I answered his questions when he first moved out that he was struggling with (i.e. Practical things about his house, curtains, washing machines etc) and do you believe it I actually did some of his washing for him at the weekend as his new washer isn't working.

All washed and dried in bags ready for him to collect yesterday - and all the time I was doing it he was probably f**king her.

So needless to say I sent a message reminding him the computer was set to auto login, Id seen what he ordered and it was his business but no more would I be helping him out with practical stuff and doing washing etc. We will only be civil about kids arrangements from now on and nothing else.

Words can't describe how I feel right now.

Sorry guys, I've calmed down now about the situation. Hopefully no one was offended by the asterisk-edited swear words!

Hope everyone is ok xx

Hey Moo. Sorry to hear your latest update. I know how you're feeling - it's the shock of it I think, the sudden realisation that it's really over and it frankly hurts that they can jump into someone's pants so quickly. My ex had managed to hook up with his new girlfriend within weeks of our split. While in my head I know that he is no longer cheating on me, it just feels so difficult to get my head around. But slowly I am, just as I am getting my head slowly around this whole new way of life.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. Distraction has been important and not letting myself get too sucked in to looking for clues of it (i.e the social media thing) as it doesn't help.

Hi Moo

Hope you are feeling a bit better about everything now. It must have been such a shock - I think, even though logically you know the other half is now single and you have separated, emotionally it takes some time to catch up and it is still a shock to see something that makes it all real. It’s also still awful to feel someone moving on apparently so quickly. I guess the reality is in their heads they left a long time ago so so are so much further down the road than us. And lacking in empathy/being selfish don’t even really consider it might take the other person time to catch up!

I was talking to a fiend the other night who is in an unhappy marriage - she doesn’t love her husband at all, and was saying she doesn’t even like him and finds it a strain to have to be nice as everything about him irritates her. As she was talking I had a realisation that that is probably what my husband felt like about me for at least the last year. It was a horrible thought but at the same time a good reminder not to read into his actions when being nice etc my background emotions if that makes sense? Because he probably doesn’t feel anything like that for me now.

I’m glad you aren’t doing his washing anymore! There is being civil and pleasant but washing is a step too far

Hi crumpets

Yeah you're right and I know dh has said this to me before when I've questioned how he can feel like moving on so quickly. His words were that he'd given up on the marriage a year ago and so already been at the stage I am at now.

I can see that to a point, but even if someone has given up when they still living as man and wife in the same house then that's surely different to the point where they actually officially separate.

Don't really want to dwell on it but his response to my message was typical of him (condescending and passive aggressive) as he apologised for me seeing that but then said I had made assumptions and he was ordering them as he thought it was sensible, and suggested I do the same!

How he thinks I could even be at that stage already is baffling - but maybe it goes back to him being a lot further on this road than I am.

I think part of the fact I was fuming at what I'd seen was because I was already feeling like a mug for doing his washing (obviously he was very polite when he requested it and very grateful) but I think enough is enough now. No more helping him with anything unless it's an emergency or to do with the kids. If it's neither of those two, then he's on his own (which after all is what he wanted, or at least to be without me anyway)

I'm sure things with your dh aren't black and white and that he won't have had that resentment/dislike that you perhaps think he had. But I agree that it's a valuable lesson to remind yourself when he's being nice now of how he treat you before and the reality would be that he would treat you like that again if you were to reconcile.

Hugs xx

Hi claudia

Thanks for your support - you are right it was such a shock but I know that he is clearly going to be thinking about things like this so I shouldn't have been surprised.

A valuable lesson to me I think to not feel sorry for him and offer him practical support/advice anymore as he is single now so needs to find his own way.

Xx

Not wanting to generalise but I wonder if quite a lot of men are better at compartmentalising things? I also often find myself really shocked at how my husband just seems to have walked away from nearly 20 years and doesn’t really appear to be affected. It’s hurtful and is really hard to accept. I guess getting our heads around that is part of this process?

The book I am reading does suggest it is better to go as no contact as possible ( obviously can’t completely with kids!) for at least a period because even if you have a friendship/relationship afterwards it needs to be rebuilt on a new basis to work - and you can’t do that without a period of limited contact first. I think there is some truth in that but difficult to do!

I know my husband is only being nice ( most of the time) at the moment as he isnt having to make any sacrifices - things are pretty much fitting around him. It isn’t real life. I do think he reached the point where he didn’t like me much and I think that is something I do need to face and understand - it feels a bit like pulling a plaster off! I guess the key is getting to the point where I can see that but not feel like his thoughts about me are in any way the truth.

Or rather his thoughts about aren’t even important!

Yes I think you're right about men being able to compartmentalise things much easier than women.

I also think inherently they tend to be more selfish than women and put their needs ahead of everyone elses.

I think we are giving them too much of our time/thoughts at the minute (probably way more than they're giving us). I guess we just value the time we've spent together and find it harder to move on. Dh very much gives the impression he's living the life of riley now and that smarts a lot. But I also know he is not the kind to wear his heart on his sleeve so I know it will be getting to him, he just seems to find it easier to put it aside.

But yes I think I need to limit contact now, just messages/conversations to do with kids and nothing else. I think I was just trying to rush things (because basically I knew the marriage was deeply troubled before dh ended it) and thinking we could be friends from day one but there's too much resentment at the moment on my part.

So I'm not going to initiate any contact unless it's regarding the kids and just keep messages/replies to a minimum.

Take care xx

I don't think for a second he was ill or with ow . I bet he had been drinking

You too Moo xx

@Moocow72 hope you are doing ok!
Understand what you say about them leaving the marriage a while ago and so they are ahead of the game, but wouldn't it have been nice if they would have had the decency to tell us at that point?? So we could have started the process at a similar time! It makes me so angry - they may have left the marriage a year ago but they forgot to do the most important and vital thing- let us know about it!! Xx

Hi sunflowers

I must admit dh did used to complain a lot to me about the state of the marriage for quite a long time before he actually came out and asked for a divorce.

Trouble is he had a tendency to do it after he'd had a drink and so in all honesty I just put it down to alcohol talking - not that Im saying I didn't know he was unhappy, just that I thought the alcohol was making him overreact and overdramatise the situation.

In hindsight perhaps I should have faced reality a lot sooner than I did - but can't dwell on the last, just do everything I can to make the future better.

Feeling a bit sad tonight as my eldest has just been in crying to me as he says everything is getting on top of him at the moment. He's got his GCSE's exams this summer so I know it's hard for him, plus he does a lot of football (plays for two teams) and is trying to fit everything in - all the training, revision, homework then plus no doubt what's happened with us in the last few weeks.

I've said I will do everything I can to make it easier for him, help him plan his homework and revision a bit better and speak to his coaches about skipping training if need be to make sure he is getting plenty of rest xx poor kid - I remember exam year very well and it's so tough - especially for them due to all the exam changes.

to all of you.

There are no answers, are there?

Amicable, for me, is a goal that me and exDH might reach provided there is civility, respect and a sustained effort at putting the kids needs first.
That goes for both of us. Hurts like buggery, but, it's the most sensible path. Rational thought in an irrational situation, I guess. A tall order!

Baby steps x

Hi All

Moo so sorry to hear about your eldest. It is such a hard year with exams ( I still sometimes have nightmares!). I think you can take comfort from the fact that he obviously feels he can confide in you and you will provide support. That is such a great reflection on the relationship you obviously have with your kids, and must give you confidence that they will get through this OK.

Soso - amicable is my hope too, but you are right it is hard! My husband has just told me he needs to change the day he is having the kids this weekend as he has to go away with work. I had made plans both for my day with them and for my day on my own. This is exactly why o had so little life of my own when we were married so pushed a big button for me! His requests always seem so reasonable but the result is me never being able to make firm plans. I’ve said I will do it though, trying to keep in mind the bigger picture. He was at least apologetic ( there is a small part of me however that wonders if it is really work - had to work hard to resist asking for proof)