Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

@eve34 thanks for the reply eve. I’ve calmed down a bit overnight! It’s funny but I think I’d generally be considered a fairly ‘strong’ and independent person in work, life generally ( and have been through some fairly tough times) but for some reason I still can’t seem to stand up to my ex. I don’t know how but he always makes me question myself and feel I’m being a ‘bad’ person. Particuarly if it involves the kids. I’m seeing a counsellor again and have decided this is something I really need to work on. Because you are right just because he requests something doesn’t mean I have to agree.

Atm he unfortunately is a bit too far away to have the kids overnight during the week - although from September as I take over the mortgage and childcare reduces he can rent near which he has always claims he wants to ( I’m not convinced he actually will ...). Be interesting to see if he does. The other thing is he can’t ever get home before 6.30 other than e/o Friday where he can now do 5. Next year this might be manageable as the kids will I guess have to go into after school club his nights if he has them during the week - youngest can’t atm. He actually seems to have no comprehension of the after school difficulty at all!

I think I’m going to say he changes to e/o weekend and then every Wednesday and Thursday morning school run and bath and bed. Means bigger chunks for the kids and also him only at the house 2 days for me ( they stay at his at the weekend). I have them after school on a Friday so still see them even if at his that weekend. If this ends up being a permanent pattern and they eventually in a year they stay at his 6 nights out of 14 and he actually steps up I guess I just have to learn to accept and come to terms with that. As it will be better for them.

Hope you enjoy the weekend and have a lovely holiday! It’s so nice spending some time all together without all the every day stuff

ilovecrumpets I'm the exact same as you, strong in working life but somehow H's control has taken over my confidence and control of the rest of my life. It's difficult regaining it isn't it.

Even though we've absolutely nothing sorted with regard to division of children's time yet I found this site good for getting my head around different variations [https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/2-2-5-5.php link]
eve enjoy your free time this weekend and then have a blast on your holidays
bollocksitshappenedagain welcome to the thread, even though I'm not sure welcome is the right term either

crumpets I feel for you on custody. That is the one thing I feel I can't cope with being apart from the kids.
I find it useful to utterly prioritise their needs and what they're used to instead of thinking about what their father or I want. And the advice I've had is that kids thrive on stability so if you've been their primary carer thus far then it should remain that way.
The other thing my solicitor said is that the onus is on him to present a workable plan of childcare arrangements. That doesn't involve you "patching" the holes for him.
Once he presents his proposal you can ask questions to make sure it's actually realistic. If he doesn't know how tricky it is to get back for after school pick up then he is in for a rude awakening.
They get these crazy ideas that they can take over childcare but severely underestimate the effort it takes.
I have had a week of juggling renovations and the kids (including DD2's crazy rages) and I have to admit it was a relief to hand them over to their Dad so I can go away with a friend. 4 nights at his and he will quickly realise how tough it is.
Thanks all for not judging on the divorce issue. I don't know why I thought that.
Weirdly I feel quite happy at the moment so I think it's right for now. We'll see though.

Hi all

Hope you're doing ok.

crumps Sorry to hear your ex is being so demanding. I agree with eve and think you should get some advice as it feels like he thinks he can just dictate everything and you won't have your own opinion on how things should work. You have been unbelievably accommodating with him and I know you're looking at the bigger picture with the kids and that makes you a great mother - but at the same time you need to protect yourself as you need to be in control of your lives going forward.

eve Hope you have a lovely holiday!

I had a nice city break with the youngest. Felt a little bit sad the first day as it seemed a bit strange, especially when I saw other families out and about. But that didn't last long, especially the first evening as what would usually happen when we were on a break all together is ex would (obviously) want to have a few drinks with dinner. Which is fine, I would have a couple too. But after a meal and a couple of drinks then kids would be happy to go to the hotel room and chill after a day of being on our feet. But of course ex would want more drink so end up either making us all sit watching him order more drinks or he would hassle me into going back to bar once we'd gone to room to get him another drink, or he would drag the kids down.

So I was grateful that we had no stress like that and could just enjoy chilling.

But I must admit I feel like I've rewound six months this past week. Although OW has always been in the picture (for me anyway), because she was never introduced to the kids straight away or never existed as far as the kids/family are concerned - it was easy for me to think that perhaps it hadn't worked out.

But this past week he has told me about her and requested the kids go to his flat on Monday to meet her. I spoke to the kids myself about it and they both seemed OK about it, had a more detailed chat with the eldest and he said as long as she seemed a nice person then he would give her time. I was really proud of both their attitudes as at the end of the day, she wasn't the reason for the split (although she was the catalyst for him to do it when he did as he knew she was waiting).

But when Monday came around I felt so emotional. In the end I went out before they did, ex's flat is within 2 minutes walk and eldest has a key so I told them I was going to shops and if I wasn't back before they went out just to lock up etc. I couldn't face watching them walking out knowing where they were going.

So all wasn't too bad and I got home after about an hour of them going out. I was expecting them back about this time but another hour went by before eldest rang and said they were on their way home. I was in tears by this point as the thought of them having another "mam" just upset me too much.

When they came back I tried to avoid them seeing I was upset but eldest could obviously tell and asked me what was wrong. Obviously that caused me to burst into tears which I didn't really want as I don't want them to feel guilty about OW's existence. But it actually was really nice as he gave me a hug and we had a chat - I told him how I was feeling but that I was so proud of him and his brother for being so mature about it and that I didn't want them to feel guilty for seeing her and growing fond of her in time.

He told me that as far as he was concerned she was just one of dad's mates and he couldn't ever imagine seeing her as a mother figure. This made me cry even more but I did tell him that it was my problem not his and I didn't want him to worry about me. He told me he understood how hard it must be for me. He also said that he felt the split had made him not take things for granted and that him and one of his mates (whose parents split up around same time) had discussed it alot and both of them felt it had made them have more empathy with other people as they realise that people go through alot in private and just put on a brave face so it's important to be nice.

I literally could have burst when he said all that as I just felt so proud of him. But then guilty that I was crying in front of him. But he told me not to be daft and that it was right to talk to him as if I hadn't I would just feel worse (which was certainly true).

I think just because I've had this delay between the split and OW being announced that it's almost like pulling off a plaster halfway - the pain that alot of you guys have gone through in one go has just been staggered for me.

I also told my parents a bit more about the situation - OW, and the fact ex drank heavily for many years. It helped as I think they realise now why things happened as they did. They also commented (as people do once a split has occurred!) that they always found him very sarcastic with me and keen to put me down. Sarcasm I can handle but they are spot on with him being critical of me.

I still can't help but think of him with OW playing happy families and being in this perfect relationship. Also find it interesting how he will handle her kids (three of them all under 11) as it will be a change for him having young kids again. I'm not sure of their situation, whether they'll move in soon etc. but I guess I just need to focus on my own life and not think about what he's doing. Time will tell whether all his issues were the fault of being in an unhappy marriage with me.. But I'm sure at some point she will see him being moody, drunk and argumentative.

I think this has been mentioned several times on this thread but it all feels so unfair having this situation forced on us. I don't want to share my kids with anyone else. I don't see why I should have to. But I have no choice, if I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad going forward then it's just something I have to accept. I also find it unfair that I'm the only one who knew OW was in the picture from day 1. His family and the kids presumably think they have just met and so no connection between the split and her. I know this is deliberate on his part as it means he stays being Mr Nice Guy to everyone. Which doesn't seem fair and I have to bite my lip. But I know looking at the bigger picture with the kids that it's right that their opinion of their dad isn't harmed. So I will keep biting my lip until I go clean through it :-(

Hugs to all xx

sprites Sorry meant to mention in my last message that you should never worry about being judged. Everyone’s situation is different and all we can do is what we think is best for ourselves and our family. I’m sure I speak for everyone that you will always find support on this thread no matter what happens.

I have always been a very practical and logical person and like to feel in control but recent events have made me change a bit and I often use the phrase “what will be will be” and I’m learning to not get so worried about things that may happen and know that I will manage no matter what life throws at me.

Hugs xx

mammy thanks will take a look at that site.
sprite - yes the complete incomprehension as to what is actually involved. He mentioned how he could have them from after school. I said at 3.15 ( as youngest constantly do any after school until next year). He said er no possibly 5. Was also meant to be having them half the holidays and has done 4 nights ... I do need a way to get him to either step up properly and commit or accept he doesn’t want/can’t actually look after them in reality.

Moo I’m really sorry you are findingthings so difficult. It really is the hardest thing having the OW and the ex making a new family with your kids. I’m not sure there is much that can be done to make it easier, other than the usual keeping busy etc. At least your kids are older ( I think my youngest at 3 will never remember a time when she wasn’t in his life in a mother role) and your eldest sounds such a lovely, kind boy. I think trying (!) to think of the OW seems relatively nice to them and interested that kids can never have too many people who care about them in their lives, helps a little. And you will always be their Mum. It does feel very, very unfair though. Sorry I wish I could be of more help

On my ex potentially having the kids more I’ve been really thinking this morning that, to an extent, I just have to find a way to accept it. Life isn’t fair. I have two friends going through a hard time at the moment - one has had to accept she can’t have children and the other is facing secondary infertility. Both such horribly sad situations and very unfair. They are both trying to accept it and move on with their lives. In some ways this is similar - it’s just something I have to come to terms with.

Moocow sorry to hear about kids visiting OW but I hope you took massive reassurance in what your DS said.He sounds absolutely gorgeous and I'm sure very much correct that she will NEVER replace you. How could she?
Ilovecrumpets I think that's really wise to count your blessings and something I often forget when I'm wallowing in self-pity.
I am so grateful for my kids and try to remind myself at least I got them out of this marriage.
Interacting with H is a bit strange now we're not divorcing. I can't harness my anger as easily and in many ways it feels incredibly comfortable and amicable.
I wasn't expecting that.
Then I remind myself that he moved out, cheated on me and doesn't love me, but "cares deeply for me." Aaargh!
I've told him, "I am a loveable person so if you don't love me that's your problem, not mine." He is beginning to realise that but not sure if he can "fix himself."
And I don't know how long I can be in a loveless but "affectionate" marriage where we are living separately. And when we're not amicable he is absolutely infuriating!

Hello Ladies, wondering If I can join your thread please as you seem a lovely supportive bunch.

My H left at the start of May after I found out mid March he had been seeing OW. We did initially try to reconcile but he said three times in the few weeks he would stop seeing her but didn’t. Since the first couple of weeks passed after leaving, he has been asking to come back - maybe once a week. I have said no, he had his chance and blew it. I would have tried in the first instance but since then he messed me about so much I just can’t have him back. I am still hugely upset about the situation and he takes this as me having second thoughts. I have told him I will be upset for the forseeable but it doesn’t mean I will have him back.

He seems to think that if I don’t want him, I shouldn’t be upset about OW. The past month he began telling me she wasn’t right for him, they had nothing to say to each other, she was wanting comitment and he wasn’t ready etc. He then said he had stopped seeing her, hoping at that I would have him back. As I still won’t he has indicated he will start seeing her again (if she will have him) and it hurts almost like in the beginning. I really don’t want to have to think about her. He says he has painted her in a bad light to try to get me back but I don’t understand why/how he can be with her if he thinks all those things and regrets what happenned. Of course there is no guarantee he wouldn’t see her again if I did have him back. Maybe he still wants to have his cake and eat it. I am just so fed up of the emotional turmoil. I think really I am seeing to much of him - trying to be friends and I need to cut it back.

Moocow - just wanted to say your son sounds lovely.

Hi purplejay welcome and sorry to hear about your situation. FWIW I think you're absolutely right not to take him back at this point. He needs to prove that he's reliable over a consistent period of time and if he's been back and forth and now threatening to go back to her then that's really not respectful of your right to grieve and take time to decide.
Similarly I am at a point where he's left OW so I decided not to file for divorce. But if he went back to her it would devastate me all over again. Even if he doesn't I don't know if I can forgive all the hurt he's caused. These things take time and commitment to earn back trust.
In our case the biggest barrier to any kind of reconciliation though is his falling out of love with me and not believing he could then fall back in love with some effort because he was/is in the midst of a midlife crisis that became depressive.
He told me he feels "affection" towards me and while I was relieved initially now I'm realising affection isn't enough. I deserve to be loved passionately and consistently and treated with respect. I don't know if DH can get his head straight enough to do that but the onus is on HIM to do so.
Sounds like you're doing really well purple. Trust your instincts.

@Ilovecrumpets How is your weekend going. Others have put it so much better than me. He needs to present a workable plan. This is the same as my ex. When he asks to see them after school. What he actually means is from six. No concept of what happens between 3-6. And the arrangement can change as time goes on.

@spritesobright hope you have had lovely few days. And that things are calmer on your return. Although I imagine the work being done is keeping you busy and giving you something to focus on so maybe a positive at this time.

@Moocow72 as always you handled yourself and the situation brilliantly. It couldn't of been easy for any of you. And your son sounds amazing.

@Purplejay sorry to hear he is behaving very badly. My ex did this. Kept coming back saying he loved me but he was a mess. This cost me dear. And once I decided to draw the line I did. Reduced contact to just about the kids. Eow for kids and maintenance in place. It took him a while to get use to it. But now knocks the door and waits for kids. Rather than swanning in/ out of the house. He hates that I'm not his friend. Because he looks like the bad person in this. And he doesn't understand why I'm so hurt blah blah. Self absorbed arse that he is. Can only see it from his point of view. Stay strong as you can. And gather people around you.

We are all a bit down here. Ds had an injury a few weeks ago they were monitoring. They can't know how serious it is until he has mri. So been told no activity for him. Crutches and rest. And no holiday. Gutted. We have been looking forward to this for so long. Hoping they get him in ASAP. So we can just have shorter holiday. But I can't see that happening. So will rebook for Oct half term. But won't be the same. Got day to myself today as had plan to pack etc. So bit lost now.

Eve34 you always write such lovely, thoughtful, responsive messages. Thank you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your DS's injury and the possible impact on your holiday. What a shame!
I do hope he gets treatment and recovers soon and you can mayve make the most of the time you have off. Hang in there!
I had a very nice weekend, thanks for asking.

How is everone doing?
moocow?
Purplejay?
Eve34?
Ilovecrumpets?
H and I are sort of ticking along in an amiable but surreal existence. I'm not ready to divorce him yet but don't want him to move back in
He agreed in principle to all my requests on finance and custody arrangements and is allowing me to get on with the renovations with minimal interference.
I love making my own decisions on tile, paint, etc. and really enjoying the freedom our EOW arrangement allows for me to go off on little adventures.
Keep thinking "what do I really need him for"? Other than sex. I do miss that.
I am trying to work on being less snappy with the kids though and DD2 is having a hard time.
She wet herself the other day when they were playing and she asked, "Daddy, am I the most awful girl in the world?" Poor thing. She's only 4.
Hope everyone else is enjoying their summer, even if it's a bit wetter.

Morning @spritesobright

Sounds like you are making good progress with the house. And in a good place. - why does you ex want to cone back? Because he loves you and misses you. Or misses all the comfort of home? And actually the grass wasn't greener.

Good that he is giving you the space you need. There is no rush to make a decision. Just do what feels right for you?

Can't believe this rubbish weather. We are at the library and food shopping today. Not the same as a beach in Spain. But being forced to not do a lot is giving me the much needed rest I needed I've pushed myself for the last year and have felt close to the edge for most of that year. So wanted these two weeks to just pause. So in away it is for the best. Just the expense of losing the flights blah. Blah blah. But it's only money.

Just hope we get results of the mri soon.

Hi Eve34 that's a really good question and I don't think he knows the answer or even if he wants to come back. But if he did it would need to be on my terms.
All we both know now is that we both need some space and time on our own. But we also enjoy talking to each other and are trying to be really honest with each other.
It feels right for now and I will reassess in 6 months.
Yes, dreadful weather! Such a shame about Spain but I'm glad you are resting up. Sometimes holidays themselves are tiring.
I was running on adrenaline for 4 months and now the tiredness is starting to hit.
You don't realise at the time how emotionally and physically draining it is.
This afternoon I parked the kids in front of the tv while I had a nap. It was bliss.

Hello everyone

Just thought I’d pop in and say hi. Hope everyone is doing OK.

My ex has had the kids this weekend so I’ve spent it cleaning and tidying - which was strangely satisfying. I realised I’d reached a point where I was just so tired I felt like I couldn’t do all the trying to socialise I susally do when the kids are away. So the last two times I’ve just been at home. It’s been hard but in some ways it has made me face my grief about both the relationship and being apart from my kids. Which I think has been helpful.

I feel a bit like I am moving into a slightly new phase ( although I’m sure I will circle back again) - changing childcare and moving to e/o weekend. Also starting to pack up the remainder of ex’s stuff. Was even thinking I might try dating as we get nearer to Xmas but who knows!

One thing I have realised is some of the stuff I need to work on on myself - particularly this need to always be seen as a ‘good’ person and not selfish. This goes back beyond ex but makes me vulnerable to him now. I did say to him that I didn’t think him having the kids longer than 4 nights was ok atm as we need to build up to longer periods. Even that felt like a big deal but he just accepted it. Small steps I guess and all that.

Also discovered his OW is pretty well off ( well very I think). It shouldn’t matter but the fact that if he stays with her he will be very comfortable and will be able to offer the DC so much more than me is annoying. It’s like I bear all the consequences of his actions. Still I guess it’s a reason to be relatively hard nosed in the divorce.

Anyway hope everyone is managing to have some fun even if we have lost the sun for a bit.

Take care xxx

Crumpets sounds like you're getting stronger and working on yourself as an individual

Morning all.

@Ilovecrumpets sounds like you are getting to a better place. It is always two steps forward and one step back. But we are making progress. Bit by bit.

Not had a good night here. Ds has told me something I can't ignore. And I will get legal advice. There has been a catalogue of shit parenting. Which in isolation aren't that bad. But reflecting on the past six months I can't do nothing about it anymore. How the ow can see this and think he is a catch I don't know.

Can I join you on this thread? Have been reading back and everyone seems so supportive of each other.

I posted on another thread about my husband leaving me for another (also married) woman after 20 years together. We have 2 DS's, 14 and 12. I am just going to have a massive rant now to get it all. Please don't anyone feel like that have to read it.

He only told me last Saturday but it feels like everything is moving so fast. He is at his mums at the moment and is currently looking at rental properties with his OW, which he intends to share with her and kids. He wanted to tell our children they were moving in together yesterday but I have asked him to please wait just a week or so and give them a break from the bombshells and drama. He has agreed but is also determined that they will go and stay with him and his 'new family' for every other weekend as soon as possible! He has lost all concept of what is best for them and how his role is to protect and be led by them. I suspect that nothing I say or do is going to stop him diving into his vision of a happy blended family so am going to have to suck it up and just be there for my kids. It has been like dealing with a stranger.

We have, at least managed to come to an interim financial arrangement that means I can stay in the house for now with the boys. Who knows what will happen long term though.

I am so sad that the man I married doesn't even seem to exist really - I saw him as such a principled, reliable and honest person and yet he has turned out to be none of these things. Everyone around me - family, friends- are all so shocked and surprised at his behaviour. His parents, after an initial bout of anger at him, now seem to have rewritten our marriage and have rallied round to support him, which is understandable I know but feels like such a kick in the teeth after all I have done for them over the years.

Anyway, I feel better for getting all that out. I am sorry that anyone else is going through anything similar but glad that there is somewhere like here to support each other and look forward to getting to 'know' you all.

@diskdrive sorry you are in this situation. They are not the people we know and love. Somehow they have completely changed Into complete arses. And can only see how great this is for them. Fuck everyone else.

Your children are older and will see it for what it is. Although a bitter pill to swallow it is easier to get the shit stuff done from the start.

My ex moved in with ow and my kids are sleeping on the floor next to them. He did have the good grace the first eow to take them to his parents as it wasn't really exceptable sleeping arrangements.

I hope you have good people around you. But vent here anytime. There is usually someone to offer some kind words.

In time it gets easier. But it is a whole world of hurt that makes child birth look like a walk in the park. You and your children deserve so much better.

Thank you @eve34 - really appreciate your reply. Sounds like they all lose all sense of reason regarding their kids and their OW then!

I am lucky to have lots of real life support but worry I will eventually wear out people's patience so is good to have another place to vent. And although I would never wish this on anyone it is reassuring to realise I am not the only one who has been taken in by a seemingly trustworthy husband and then made to feel like their whole marriage was farce :-(

Hi all just thought I’d pop in and say hi too. Lots of newcomers on the thread which is obviously both a good and bad thing. Hi discdrive hope you coping as well as can be. The person you think you know disappearing in a puff of smoke to be replaced by some cold stranger was very hard for me to get my head round. It seems we’ve all had that happen really. It really knocks your self belief I think- how could I have got it so wrong? And sprite I think you are doing the right thing by waiting to see how you feel. It must be so hard not to just get back together and make up but there are obviously deep issues that he must resolve and also the question of whether or not the trust can return. I played that game many years ago and my ex of the time never really understood just how much it had changed everything. That’s not to say it can’t be done though and every situation is different. But you need more than just affection. I feel affection for my mums cat.

crumps I seem to be moving into a different phase- slowly mind- but am managing not to feel such a sense of loss all the time. It’s not like I don’t have moments where I do but they are getting less. Also managing to look a bit more to the future and feel quite excited that sometime in the future I may meet someone new. Was dabbling on POF this morning but only really dipping my toes, I’m still not there yet and like you I’ve gotta look at myself and become happy and confident with where I and who I am before I try dating. But I know it will come. And eve sorry to hear you’re still having ongoing issues with your ex. He seems to have been a spectacular let down all round so hugs to you and your dc. And your ex’s new partner is probably still in the lust phase which means he can probably get away with pretty much anything. But after 7 months I’d say that will all come crashing down anytime now and she’ll be left with the immature nightmare that he sounds like. And moo my bottom lip is bitten to bits too. It’s so unfair when you know the truth that everyone else has no idea of. It feels like a double whammy. You’re doing the right thing shielding your kids from the truth- I only ever speak neutrally or (how do I do it) positively about my dcs mum even though she has been unfair, cruel and dishonest throughout. I don’t believe she’s doing the same for me though, but that just makes me a much better person than she’ll ever be. Anyway sorry for the rant- will be new thread time soon- almost at the 1000 mark. Go us!!

I’ve been throwing myself back into biking as it’s been months since I got out and it feels great. Been staying at the empty fh as my ex has moved to her new flat. It’s been strange but not as sad as I thought it would be. Hopefully exchanging in a matter of days now and then I will be moving somewhere within a few miles of my ds’s new school. New life here I come. Hugs all xxx

@Lonelycrab good to hear from you and that you are feeling positive about the future. We are all slowly making our peace with the situation. And we have to continue to be the better person and even if i can't be positive about ex I always remain neutral. Not that he will believe it. As it is all my fault.

We still have another week together so hoping to try and do a bit more over the next few days. Kids are already complaining about going to their dads next weekend. Says it all doesn't it.

Yes we need another thread - maybe the title should be something up lifting. Looking forward to a brighter future.

Hi crab nice to hear from you! Glad things are moving slowly forward for you too. I guess as with everything time does gradually make things better.

Sorry you find yourself here and on this journey diskdrive the thread has been a bit quieter probably a bit because it is summer but hope you find support here. I certainly have!

Hope everyone else has had a good day. Sorry to hear about your ex eve - I guess they are probably all being that other person with their new partners.

I’m feeling a bit sad tonight - watching something on TV that I watched the last series of with ex. So weird to think back and realise he was most likely already having the affair then. I have to also remind myself of how I was feeling then too and how he was being with me.

And yes we need a new thread! We need one as positive as @Moocow72 ‘s one for this thread ( waves to Moo and hope you are doing Ok).

Lovely to see all these messages and newbies - even if it's such a miserable situation. It did go quiet for a bit.
LonelyCrab I nearly spit my tea when you said you "feel affection for my cat." LOL. Sadly I think that's all he can muster right now, for anyone. He seems to have stuck me in some "good mother" stereotype that doesn't also allow me to be passionate, independent, sexy, etc. That is clearly his issue but it still hurts.

Glad to hear you are moving into another phase, Crab and I'm excited for you. I have also 'dipped my toes' into online dating - just to see what was out there. It was terrifying, I must admit. Everyone seemed to be looking for a soulmate who would complete them and all I could think was - "I am so over all that fairytale bs." So, maybe not yet...
But even just looking to the future is positive.

Eve34 I'm feeling anxious on your behalf about the parenting issues and the care of your DS. How awful to have to deal with that on top of everything else. But you're absolutely right to sort it out. Early on I had to remind myself that much as I wanted to appease H and smooth things over, I had to put my kids first! I really do think they totally lose sight of what's best for the children, wrapped up in their own selfish hedonism. H wanted children to live him for a week from the first night he moved away! Meanwhile, 4 year old dd was having serious anger and anxiety issues to the point I think I might need to arrange for her to see someone. They just can't see it.

So true what Eve34 said about them not being the people we thought we knew. I think what hurts the most is how much I loved and trusted that person and now I don't know who H is and whether he will ever go back to being "normal." He's still volatile, conflicted and with some real black and white thinking. But better than before.
Still, he has some serious work to do to get back to a moral, even keel of a person.

Diskdrive I hope you're alright. Yes, the farce thing is difficult. I have chosen not to go on holiday this week with H and the kids even though he asked me to because I just can't bear to play "happy families" knowing it's all a lie on his part and everything he did to me.

Before they left, DD insisted we all do a "family hug" which is something we used to do and it was really hard. I managed to insert the girls between H and I but he was still close.

This time away while he's on holiday with the girls will be good for both of us. He can see what it's like to spend his holidays with his mum and the kids, and I can continue to grow in independence and courage.

I called my mum last night and just sobbed and sobbed. It was good to get it out and I realised I've been putting on a bit of a brave face for everyone and telling myself this is all for the best but I still need to grieve because it's incredibly sad and hurtful what he's done.

You're right Crab I really don't think he realises the extent of the impact of what he's done yet. I only hope that one day it hits him like a freight train and he uses that pain to make himself into a better person.