Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

So this weekend has been hard. I love my D.C. very much but they are had work sometimes - I can see it is getting easier all the time, but the sheer physicality and needing to keep an eye on them all the time gets to me sometimes. And then I can’t help thinking how much easier it is with two of you. It just feels so lonely.

Anyway also thought I’d recommend a book that I think sums up this experience for me - slightly off piste as it is a picture book. But it captures the enormity of emotions so well. It is called the red tree by Shaun Tan. Would really recommend it for anyone who takes co fort in books

Thanks I'll take a look x

Hi crumpets

Sorry to hear it's been a tough weekend. I am fortunate with the kids being older then they certainly need less supervision. I can imagine how much harder it must be when they're younger. The weather also doesn't help as when it's nice and sunny then the outdoors can be a great way of keeping them occupied and tiring them out !

Thanks for the recommendation for that book - I will definitely take a look. I also got the "Breaking Upwards" book that was mentioned on that podcast so going to start reading it tonight.

Been an "ok" weekend for me, which i guess is progress ! Visited my parents and the in laws today with the kids which was nice, and I know how important it is for them to see the kids as much as possible as it will reassure them that not that much will change in the future.

Take care all xx

Thanks Moo glad you had an ok weekend - definitely progress!

I’ve also got the breaking upwards book as well, although haven’t started it yet.

Evening everyone

Just thought I’d drop in and say hi and see how everyone is doing?

I'm not doing good. Just seen whatsapp pic of ex with girl. He never had a whatsapp pic ever of us in 15 years! I'm in tears. Also son gone to bed in tears as he's missing daddy as not seeing him as much!
😪💔😪😪😘😘
God I feel awful

Amaz I’m so sorry that you are having such a bad night - it’s things like WhatsApp pictures changing that really bring the hurt flooding back. I don’t have any wise words, other than you will feel a bit better tomorrow

My eldest son has also been very up and down this week, so I know how very hard that is too.

Sometimes things are just really sh*t and this is one of those. Have a good cry and let it out and then maybe make a cup of tea for yourself. I wish I could say something to make you feel better and less alone x

Thanks @Ilovecrumpets . I feel so emotionally drained this morning, didn't sleep well!
I can't handle this, it hurts too much. I've blocked him on WhatsApp and said to just text normally.

Sorry to hear you're struggling Amaz - I know when the day comes that I see a photo of OW with dh then it will hit hard.

You do right saying just to text rather than anything else, I've found it easier since we unfriended on fb and although we do use whatsapp he has it set so you can't see when he was last on or whether he's read messages so better for me then I can't be imagining where he is if he's not been active for some time, or why he's active in the early hours - ie is he with her etc.

Hugs to you, it will get easier xx

Amaz hope you are feeling a bit better now

Moo how are things with you atm?
I have been showing potential lodgers round my spare room, but increasingly thinking I don’t really want a lodger and a friend asked me why on earth I was making all these changes to help my ex. Got me thinking. At the moment he is staying rent free with a friend with no pressure to move out. Whilst it would be better if he could get a 2 bed and see the kids there, don’t think getting a lodger would give enough money for that or change the fact that eventually we will have to sell the house. And it seems to work for the kid’s him coming to the house. Also changing childcare in September which will dramatically reduce outgoings ( although in worrying about the kids re that!) A good friend said to me my approach should be to do nothing and let him push things forward if he wants. Am wondering if at this point she might be right.

I can't stop crying today, my eyes are sore. I think we've not been separated long and I can't believe he's moved on so quickly. Just shows what he must have thought!

@Ilovecrumpets these choices are so hard to make. Trying to make the right decision for ourselves and kids. It's so much pressure coz what if we get it wrong?

Has anyone spoken to their GP about how they are feeling? If so what did they say?

Hi Amaz if you feel you are really struggling to cope it is definitely worth speaking to your GP. They may be able to refer you to counselling, although I think there can be a quite long wait ( I am lucky as I have healthcare through my work). I should say my GP has always been really great when I have seen them about depression.

I suffer from depression so already have medical input - I have found being able to talk to a psychologist occasionally very helpful. If you can find the right counsellor for you ( which can be tricky) I think it can help a lot. You can also see them privately but obviously that does cost, but I know people who have found them a great help.

Amaz - I would definitely say see your GP if you are struggling with life in general, and especially if you are not sleeping, struggling to eat etc. They might refer you to counselling or prescribe something to help you through this difficult time.

You must be kind to yourself. I'm a little further along the road than you, but when it first happened I felt awful and couldn't hold back the tears either, storing it up and unleashing it when I got the chance. I'd go to work and struggled at times to keep it in, and then go for lunch break, put my sunglasses on and have a cry as I walked the streets, etc, etc. A couple of months on and I am no longer crying but my feelings lurch greatly. I am starting to feel more positive.

I think of it as like a wound that will take a while to heal. At the moment it's at its most painful and raw, but if you do everything you can to look after yourself, it will start to heal and gradually you will start to feel better. That probably sounds a bit like a cringey analogy but I really felt like I was physically hurting in a way.

Do whatever you can to get through these days - eat ready meals, make life as easy as you can, and take some comfort in the fact that it does get easier.

My ex has asked for our 6yo to stay with him sat night where he is staying with the other girl. He says Little one won't know and will stay with him. I don't want him to go but I can't say no can I?

Morning ladies.

You have all done so really well. You have given me a lot of comfort looking a head.

Kids Dad left me in the summer. But came back in October. Nothing changed and we limped on through Christmas and he left in the new year.

I have never felt such pain and grief as I have the past few weeks. Although it is slowly changing.

We were very broken. And he was a controlling selfish bully at times. I know the situation at home wasn't a positive one for me or the kids. I tolerated it for the ideology of family.

I know further down the line I will agree this is for the best. But I need to grieve for the loss of the relationship I thought we had. The family unit and the future I thought we had. It wasn't all bad. I have looked into counselling for me.

The kids are 11 and 5. They seem to be completely unphased by it all at the moment. He has worked away ten week chunks for years. So they are very use to him not being here. The big change will come when he can have them for weekends instead of few hours here and there.

I don't want to share my kids. But need to adjust to it.

He has magically started new relationship. Which I assume has been going on a while. She is very much younger than him. So I fully expect more children further down the line.

I know I will move on. All though the thought of it makes me want to be sick. I'm not in any rush. As much as he keeps pushing me to move on and be happy I know that is only to ease his guilt.

It is such a roller coast. I can't wait for the summer as I know things will be more settled then. For now I am keeping busy decorating and boring my friends with my need to rant. I never wanted this and although things weren't right I wanted us to do the counselling etc to try and rectify things. But he clearly was not motivated too as his new girlfriend was in the wings.

Why are men so bloody selfish. We really could of sorted things out.

Hi all

One common thread I seem to be picking up on is the fact that all our dh's seem to have had someone else waiting in the wings (even if they never had an affair whilst married) - just goes to show none of them had the b*lls to do anything about their supposed unhappy marriages until they had another option !

What happens when things go bad with their new relationships ? Same again ?

But that's not really my concern I guess, I have enough to worry about keeping myself going rather than try and figure out what goes on in his head!

Feeling sad today, we had to go to an opening evening at eldest's school last night so the first time we have done things together really. I could hardly even look at him to be honest but we got through it. When he dropped us back at home I couldn't wait to get out the car but then spent the rest of the evening wondering if he'd gone to OW house.

So a setback and hard to avoid really as I want to continue to do anything related to dc's together.

Bet he didn't even give me a second thought

Take care all x

Moo. It is horrible just being in the same space as them. To think there was a time we couldn't bare to be apart. He caused so much hurt I don't know if I will ever forgive him. Hope you Find your happy place.

Hi Eve

Yes I must admit I didn't expect to find it so hard to share the same space with someone who I have known for nearly 30 years.

I will certainly take my fair share of the blame with the marriage but I can never forgive him for putting his happiness before anyone else's. Maybe in time I will as I do know deep down it's for the best, but the speed at which he has moved on and appears to be enjoying his new life has amazed me.

I got through it though so hopefully next time it will be easier.

Xx

Moo. Wow these men are all the same. Completely selfish and keeps saying he has to be selfish to be happy. Not taking into account the impact on me or the kids. And of course a new girlfriend to smooth the path ahead. I feel for her to be honest. She does not know what she is letting herself in for and is so young. But it isn't my concern. Hope the weekend is kind to you .

Amaz24. Has your son met her yet and how long have you guys been separated. I think at that age they just see it as a sleep over. It is us as the mothers that see it uncomfortably.

Little one thinks sleep over at dads and really looking forward to it, me on the other hand! OH said it's all just mates. I made him leave on the 4 th Dec so not long ago I feel after 15 years. This is not the girl he had the year long affair with. Someone different that he also works with!

Amaz. That does sound really difficult and I understand why you are worried. It doesn't sit right at all. It is a horrible situation to be in.

Hi all

Another week of his ineptitude, astounding selfishness and i look at him and wonder what i ever saw in him.

I fell for the charm and the talk. So far hes failed to deliver on pretty much everything he promised and has let me and the children down immensly

I cant and wont cover for him any more. the children know his faults. I'd be tearing myself further apart if i told them anything other than age appropriate truth.

On paper he has destroyed me but he'll never get my spirit. He almost did, once. The way i am trying to look at it is that it cannot get much worse!!

Amaz I dont know what to say except you have my sympathy x