Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Evening all.

Moo. Wise words. The last day or two I have felt a little more positive in the same way ex was emotionally abusive and I deserve better. He and ow maybe having a ball right now but another year or two down the line he will treat her the same way he treated me. And she is welcome to him.

I will only talk about the children with him. I have no interest in anything else and he knows it now. I don't want to waste anymore time on him.

Emotional day here today. Eldest leavers assembly. He did so well but on leaving he cried all over his favourite teacher. So then set me off.

Summer holidays have now started. And I'm going to hopefully enjoy the time I have with the kids. And make each moment count.

Aww eve - leavers assembly. I had my youngest’s one a year ago and to be honest with all the various milestones and emotional events we go through as parents I honestly found that one to be the most traumatic for both of mine.

Each time I was in tears by the end. It’s so sad (and exciting at the same time!) for them to go from primary to secondary/high school.

But I’m sure your boy will go on to the next stage in his life with confidence and happiness with your support

Feeling pretty good tonight tbh. Eldests pre season training for his scholarship programme is going well and he is going away with them at the end of the month for a tournament for 3 days. Fortunately I’m off work the same week so me and the youngest are going to have a little break away for two nights in the same area so I can spend some quality time with him and then hopefully catch eldest play a match before we come home.

Hope everyone else is feeling good but if not, hang in there. We are all much stronger than we think we are and will get through this xxx

Thanks Moo and Eve, glad to hear you've got good times and enjoying children. Yes keeping busy is the best remedy I've found as well and usually ok. I think keeping things entirely impersonal too. Just need to move on now .its the mental stuff now b again. Hope you're enjoying great weather it's one summer your children will remember as being hit and sunny and not for any bad reason . X

Hot obviously not hit X

Hi everyone - hope we are getting through our weekends ok?

I haven't posted for a while as I've been feeling quite low recently and have been struggling to do much more than just the essentials of looking after the kids...But I should have come on here more often - when I read back what I've missed the last few days it seems that people have been struggling too but everyone is brilliant here with supporting each other and knowing the right thing to say.

Ex has continued to be a sh*t - pushing me to agree finances and custody arrangements but only ever available to talk at 9-10pm at night when I am knackered (although still finding time to go out/away with OW).

Should be glad of the end of term coming but that is when we are going to tell the kids - after my daughter's prom on Monday and leaver's assembly on Tuesday. I am in bits just thinking about telling them but once it's done it should make things a lot easier.

Anyway everyone, hang in there and look for something small to make you smile every day. Although it may not feel like it, you are all doing brilliantly - you have the strength to keep going through all the crap that life has thrown at you and are continuing to put your children first and raise them to be the best they can be.

Right, now I need to listen to my own advice ;-)

Evening all, hope we all surviving the heat. Rainbows I find that appreciating the little things is good to focus on. Maybe just a smile from someone or a thing in nature, you gain a little bit of your self back at those moments I reckon. And that’s a big part of it for me, finding out who I am after all this hurt. I’ve had some awful financial shenanigans thrown at me, not going into detail but something she gave her word on when we split, completely morally wrong from the truth of how our relationship worked, and to top it off: not actually in line Legally either.
She backtracked a day later when she realised I think just how Selfish and wrong it would be, all with me saying hardly a word.

So clearly out to shaft me as hard as she possibly can. Or not as it were

The next ten years should be interesting! Its proper nasty narc family stuff I’ve got to deal with I now see from a lot of small things I’m seeing. I know Ive been turned to mud in their eyes and she is the poor victim in all of this. I just know they’re not being respectful about me infront of my ds, something I’d never do myself about them. Would love to think they know that would cause a 6yo so much confusion but I fear not. so I guess I need to be whiter than white and made of Teflon and just focus only on my ds. I’ve really got to keep the contact as minimal as possible and not get used or sucked in to anything.

In the meantime I have my ds for a whole week so will be getting out n about after a pretty lazy day today. The dedication of doing sole care is sinking in though, I’ve done my eow’s and longer hols for months now so it’s not new, but want to get to 50:50 fairly soon if poss. Will hopefully start at 10 nights a month when he starts his new school but soooo much to sort out first. Not least a place to buy/rent. Have to get back to the fh with a transit van at some point. She moved out this weekend so I can now stay there for work which is good as I have a busy August. So gonna be a busy few weeks coming up. Still, it’s holidays now so I feel like sitting around eating ice cream. Hugs all x

Morning all.

Hope everyone is keeping ok and making the most of the sunshine.

Kids with ex this weekend. So got few social things going on. Not the same but getting on with it.

Ds left his water bottle behind so took it out to him in the car and ow was there. Said hello but she sat glued to her phone. Didn't answer. Kissed kids good bye and said have lovely weekend end and left. Shock me up a bit. I'd like to tell him to not bring her to my door. But he wouldn't consider my feeling. And besides that would play right into their hands. So will remain silently dignified.

So feeling rather rubbish but going to keep myself busy.

Hi Eve, ugh poor you. Really tactless to bring to OW to your house . Bad enough that you're children have to put up with her. Well done for being so calm about it in front of them. You're right to say nothing but it's so hard. How can they think that's acceptable?? So thoughtless, but hey I guess that's the point- they have no brain or finer feelings. I still haven't seen her with him and not sure what i would do. Still feel like I want to question OW and ask how she thought it was right to hook up with a man who had a partner. But dignified silence probably the best. Have a good time with whatever you are up to X

Thank you winter. She has been at contact with kids since day one. And has been at pick up before. No regard for how this might make me feel.

I would love to sit down and chat with ow. But they have all been fed lies so they think their poor man has been hard done by. I don't think for one moment I have been painted in a positive light at all. But that's how they hook them in.
All a bit pathetic really.

Can I join this thread? Very late in the game. The title sums up how I'm feeling. STBXH left our home 1 month ago claiming he just "wasn't in love with me anymore" but didn't want to work on it and there was nothing I could do.
Two weeks ago I found out he's been having an ongoing affair. Even then I asked if there was any reason to stay in the marriage and he couldn't come up with anything.
So I have filed for divorce because he was clearly too much of a coward to do so.
That combined with the fact he's been treating me like shit for a year.
I know it's for the best but I feel awful. I loved him so much and I can't believe he wasn't willing to fight for our marriage.

Slowly getting to grips with the reality of my life without him and as a single parent.

@spritesobright sorry you are in the same position. Well done on showing such strength. And not let him mess you about.
Men are pathetic creatures. How they don't want to give their all to their wife and kids. I don't know. I have very little respect for a man that walks away for little reason.
I hope you have good people around you.

Thanks so much Eve34. I'm so sorry (and sickened) to hear that your ex is introducing OW to the kids. I told STBXH that should he do so I would go ballistic. I don't know if the threat will work but it's worth a shot. How far are you into the process?

I'm still only months in and I'm hoping it gets easier but wondering when? I met up with a friend over the weekend who is a year in to being deserted/betrayed and she is still angry/upset/bitter and says the grief cycle keeps repeating but getting easier each time.

I also went through an intial kind of manic euphoria where I had loads of energy, optimism and enthusiasm (but was also spending too much money) and I'm aware that won't last.

It would be good to be on a more even keel.

@spritesobright
It is a roller coast. He left last summer but messed me about for six Months saying his head was a mess and he loved me but it was a mess blah blah blah. This cost me dearly. Both emotionally and financially. He left for good 1st jan. Ow has been on the scene since day one. With no thought how that would impact on the child or me. I don't like any of it. He now rents a room with her and the kids sleep on the floor next to them. I have remained dignified. There is no point challenging them. I would just look bitter. So remain as nc as I can be. Which he hates.
It comes and goes. I don't know if I will ever forgive him the six months of lies just so I would keep supporting him was unforgivable as he lied to me and the kids and strung us along. And the fact that he emptied the bank account and did not support the kids for nearly a year whilst having money for ow.

I wanted us to work things out. I wanted to keep fighting for the family. But he had checked out long ago. And I know deep down he was an emotional bully and we are better off without him.

Just hurts that he gets to play out being a Happy family with the kids. But ow is young so maybe she will get fed up of it. Maybe not. It isn't my concern. Just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I Also know he won't change and his mask will start to slip. She is welcome to his mess and bullying ways.

Sorry that was rather long. We will all get through this. He said when he left we will all be fine. I said of course we will there isn't another option. And there isn't. Just got to get through this shit bit to get to the other side.

I also think that until I start dating or seeing someone new I will still have those feelings for ex. They need to be transferred to someone new not that I am in any hurry. But that is just how I see it.

Hello everyone and sprite sorry you are also going through this horrible journey.

I’ve just got back from a week on a single parent holiday. It was really great in lots of ways and I made some new friends who I will stay in touch with, but hard in others. My eldest DS was very difficult at times and I just didn’t handle it well at all - work has been so stressful and then with everything else and no support I feel so tightly strung and tired and stressed that I’m snapping at the kids and shouting way more than I should. I feel so awful about it ( although other parents were tested at times too). The kids did seem to enjoy themselves - and tonight’s my eldest wrote me this lovely note about how he loves me and loved the holiday but then put he was sorry I didn’t get to have my dinner some nights or so the adult activities because he was naughty☹️. I really feel like I’m not the parent they need or deserve at the moment - I don’t know what is the matter with me, it’s like there is nothing in reserve. I need to reset somehow.

Also feeling nervous and down because they go away for a week with ex tomorrow ( he has only just told me his plans this evening so they don’t know which my eldest will hate). I’ve never been apart from them this long and I find it really difficult not to worry as my ex has never really watched them properly around water and they will be on a beach. And then I think why didn’t I manage to be better when I was with them. And I just miss them so much. I usually try and do lots of social things when they are away but am actually going to have some early nights to try and catch up on sleep.

Anyway sorry that was so so long and indulgent!

Hi all . Crap. All of it. I thought it was getting better. And it is in lots of ways but every now and again you get a punch in the guts. I don't look on Facebook or social media , I realised long ago that that was the way to torture myself, I stick to practical stuff when I talk to him , which I try to do as little as possible, then you hear things by accident about his life and it knocks you for six, doing the things we'd always planned to do but he didn't have time and him and OW being accepted by his family as if nothing wrong has happened. It makes me sick.And angry. Although it makes me wonder if the things I hear are by accident - or for some reason people a'accidentally' tell about things. I sometimes feel I'm being punished for his wrong doing as if it's my fault. . Eve- I agree about the lies - probably to OW and his family, you are right we have to remain silent otherwise we are the bitter ex ( with good reason) but others don't see it as that. He has told so many lies but nobody will see that but me.
Not indulgent *ilove, I know how you feel, it's taking a long time to feel normal and to have the patience I used to have, small things frustrate me quickly now. Also , they all seem to make arrangements and expect you just to fall in with them at a moments notice. They are blinded by their newfound lust. Forgetting what it was like when we first got together. It's actually very sad.
Sprite - sorry you find yourself here. Like your friend says it does get better , I didn't think I would get through one day let alone weeks and months when I first knew but I did and you will too. But everything your friend said is true too . You're ok then the old feelings return - mostly because he's jumped ship and living a new life and you've just been left to drift and pick up the pieces. It's rank but we will survive and the best thing is to try to live a life that's better than the last to show them where they can shove it. Hugs to all X

This thread is so useful seeing what others are going through and that I'm not alone.
Crumpets and Winter I know exactly how you feel being more short-tempered with the kids and it's so easy to lose patience with them and then hugely regret it because actually HE is the one to be causing all this pain.
My 4 year old broke my heart last night screaming bloody murder and trying to kick and bite me. Afterwards she said, "you must be very angry with me." But of course I'm not I'm just sad and angry at him. This is not like her AT ALL and is clearly related to her father leaving. But she directs her anger at me because I'm more secure and safe for her. In the morning she was sat outside my room and said, "mummy, I'm worried you're leaving too."
I am dreading him spending time with new GF and the kids doing fun things that he used to moan about doing with me (like festivals, camping, all the things he hated).

It has occurred to me as well that he may go on to have a second family (he's only 36) and given that he denied me a third child that will sting.
Luckily new GF is 10 years older than him and doesn't want kids so there is a chance that won't happen if he stays with her.

FYI, he has offered to give me 40k to get a new kitchen and renovate the lounge. It will come out of our joint savings but add to the value of the house so overall come out even.

I know it's bloody guilt money and it's probably crazy to start renovations right now but I REALLY want that kitchen having cancelled 3 sets of renovations that he said we could do then stopped because he clearly knew that he was leaving.

Is it really, really stupid to take the money?

Hi sprite

My eldest has been kicking and punching me too - I think they are pushing boundaries to see if we will leave. Plus I think my eldest blames me for his dad leaving even though it was his dad’s choice and he had the affair.

Re the money - only you can know but I’d be wary of spending money now, particularly if you may have to sell the house. Might be better to save it for whatever you future holds

Hi Crumpet,
Yes, I think my youngest blames me or is lashing out at me because she can't lash out at him as he's already proven to be a flight risk. The testing thing rings true because she then asked if I was very angry with her. Her nursery teacher said it's actually a good thing that she's letting out all her anger instead of bottling it up. She has a right to be bloody angry. Funny but I feel I should be angry like that yet thus far have been very restrained.
Re: the money, that is wise. I may speak to my solicitor, see where I'm at financially and then decide whether to do the work now or later.
Bonus today I found out that the CEVT of my pension is a lot higher than I thought so at least that's something (his is about 10 times higher but ah well). Maybe he keeps his pension and I keep the house.

Crumpets it's sad that your son blames you but I think once they become adults they realise who was actually to blame, particularly if there is an affair involved.
A friend told me at the weekend that her relationship with her father never fully recovered after finding out years on that he'd had an affair. She was furious with him and still much closer to her mum.
So, KARMA!

@ilovecrumpets Sorry to hear your son is struggling. Guess it is the lack of routine with no school maybe he is feeling a bit out of sorts. My son had a wobble the other day. Saying he missed his mum and Dad together. Just got to keep loving them and let them know they are safe

@spritesobright. Do what you think is right. Just be sure you have had best legal advice regarding the property moving forward. And he is not just feathering his future nest.

So second week of the holidays. I only have my youngest this week as eldest is at scout camp. It is very quiet. Roll on week 4/5 and we go on our holidays. I'm very lucky to have family abroad I don't think I would be brave enough to take them otherwise. But we are all very excited about going.

Thanks @eve34, have a great time on your holidays. Where are you going? Would love to have family abroad that I could visit (or family I actually like that I could visit).

Had a conversation with STBXH tonight where I thought "Oh right, now I remember what it was like being controlled and micro-managed by you and how shit that was." It was possibly the first time I thought I might not actually miss him...

Hi all

Hi sprite. Sorry you find yourself here but I hope you find some comfort and support.

Why is it that ex still has this ability to knock me for six ?

This is my first day off work on holiday and I dropped eldest off to go on his football tournament. Getting ready to go away tomorrow for a few days with youngest so really busy but feeling good.

Then just checked my email, message from ex. “Do you remember when you asked for a heads up about telling the kids about ow?”

He proceeded to tell me he’d asked the kids what they though about him having a girlfriend. That they’d both spoken to her briefly on the phone as she rang when he was in car with them.

He told them that I know about ow but not to mention it to me.

I am sat in tears, yes I know about ow but I wasn’t sure if it was still on. The fact it is has hit me hard but I’m not sure why.

Is he right to say to the kids not to discuss it with me ? I guess probably as I suppose there’s nothing that really me and the kids need to discuss about ow.

I hate how he’s done this just before I’m off for a week - it’s like he’s trying to spoil it for me. I’m damned if he will succeed.

He mentioned her name and it is the woman who he was “friends” with before we separated. I almost replied and said that once it was public don’t expect me to lie to our family about the fact he knew her before we separated.

But I took a deep breath and thought better of it. I’m not going to reply. It’s just my heart breaks at the thought of the kids meeting her but I know that a lot of you are in that position so I guess i will just have to grin and bear it.

Xxx

Hi Moo

I’m really sorry to hear that your ex has managed to throw things out of balance for you just before the holidays. It is really hard knowing they have someone else and also that your children will be getting to know her etc - I guess as it is a whole new life for him without you, whereas it feels like your life is sort of the same but without him? I also found going on holiday on my own with the kids, although good, was also upsetting at first - my ex went on holiday with the ow and his new friends and on the plane I felt this overwhelming sadness that we’d never travel together again. And then wondered would I ever travel with a partner again.

My ex is on holiday with the kids and the ow this week, at a place I always wanted us to go on holiday too but he never would. I think all you can do is to try and hold onto the fact that one day this won’t hurt so much, and that we have to find our own happiness and path without them now. It is hard though as it can feel so lonely and unfair - they get to leave and have this lovely new life. When they don’t have the kids they have someone else there etc. I’ve very weirdly started thinking about how much I always loved the September to Xmas period, but how hard it will be this year. Just me decorating the house etc.

I hope you have a lovely break with your youngest. My mum said to me that one positive was that you get to build a little unit the three of you, whereas the kids don’t have that with their dad as there will be someone else there.

eve hope you have a lovely break too! Am sure you will and having family there stops it all being quite so intense.

Hi crumpet hope you're right. Hope I feel better soon. I think I need to remember how I felt right at the start and how much better I am now. Moo , that's rubbish, it much be just awful to share your children with the homewrecking OW. I've been ok but just seen a photo of him and her by accident. It completely threw me again. ,God knows what would happen if I saw them in person. X