Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Thanks eve, I am puzzled by it all too.

We had some unpleasant text exchanges - usual format of me actually expressing how I feel and him just dismissing it because he has decided he won’t be involved in emotional exchanges.

But I certainly got my point across - apparently my suggestions as to him being in such a rush because of ow are ridiculous and I will be proved wrong. I pointed out that the reason I mentioned ow was because he openly admtted before he left he expected their relationship to develop in the future (nice eh ?) so it was no surprise I assumed his rush for a divorce was due to ow.

I also made it clear how I felt he never gave me a break, he told me he wanted a divorce just before eldest’s mocks and weeks before Crimbo so I had to keep it together and pretend for weeks and go through the farce of going to his parents for Xmas day knowing what was coming (as did a few of us on here).

Then of course a pretty much horrific few months once kids were told and getting eldest through exams etc.

Then just as this is over and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel - eldest is starting training for his scholarship, youngest is coming to end of a very good first year at a secondary school and I am looking forward to a week off at end of July (which ex knows about). All of that and he decides now to push divorce proceedings. I told him it was unfair that I would now be stressed worrying about the petition arriving and having to tell kids if I’m changing back to my maiden name when I should be able to relax.

After I sent the message telling him all this he announced that if I’d told him this a couple of hours ago he wouldn’t have submitted the divorce forms.

I mean what the actual fluff ?!!! As if he didn’t consider everything that had happened so far and perhaps think it may be better to leave things as they are for a while. But apparently not, and apparently “the kids will get hurt no matter when the divorce happens”

So I told him I’ll be keeping my name as I’m legally entitled and I don’t see why I should have a different name to my own kids and that I had no intention of telling them about the divorce proceedings as it doesn’t make any difference to their day to day lives but if he wants to then he could.

I then emailed him a copy of our marriage certificate as he was asking me for it.

To be honest making it official now seems like a good thing so I no longer have to put up with him being an arse.

Phew - that feels better. Sorry for the rant!

Hugs xx

Hi Moo sound like a pretty tough day or two for you. It’s like they just switch their emotions off and it all becomes some cold transaction after so many years together. I think going to email is a good idea as texts are all a bit to and fro for these kind of things and that always makes it worse for me. The u turn he’s done at the end seems a bit like a sort of blame switch though from him. I’d be feeling pretty stressed too if I had to deal with all that tbh.

I think when it does go through you will hopefully feel a sense of relief, and you’ll feel glad in many ways.

Eve I get angry if I pull up any of my emails to her when we (no actually, I was) trying to hold us together. So much nonsense from her with me just trying to stress the positives. Waste of time that was I now see. Still, at least I can say my heart was in the right place. Enjoy your towels though! One of life’s little pleasures, a brand new fluffy towel hugs all x

Just a quick question. How do we feel about ow having pictures of my kids on Facebook.

I want her not to but know if I make a fuss it will be seen as being bitter etc etc. And long term she is going to be more involved in there lives. Thinking doing nothing is the best action. As always. Dignified silence.

Hi eve, quick answer I wouldn’t do it myself if the situation was reversed, I would allow more time before introducing my ds to a new partner; too much confusion already. Not much you can do though, like you say just got to suck it up.

Oh yes, one other thing.....

COME ON ENGLAND 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Evening crab. Yes any normal person wouldn't of rushed into forcing ow on to kids days after leaving. Or move in with her 12 weeks later and have kids sleeping on the floor next to them. But I am guessing she has a very low moral compass. And if I react in anyway I will no doubt for fill my crazy bitter ex persona. That I have no doubt been painted as.

Dignified silence it shall be. I fully expect she has done it to entice a response from me as she is not massively active on Facebook. Maybe I am over thinking it all.

eve do you post pics of your dc on Facebook? This would be my guideline, it's not something I do and have strong feelings about it so anyone that has put up pics of my dc on FB, I've requested them be removed by report the pics to FB, not sure if they get told who requested it or not but frankly I don't care!

How's everyone?

Hi All

How are we doing ? Hope things aren't too bad for everyone.

I think I've had my lowest week since the initial separation. It all stemmed from ex pushing the divorce petition. It continued with some fairly unpleasant email exchanges in which I accused him of being heartless and matter of fact about ending a marriage of 18 years.

He replied telling me about times he'd been in tears filling the divorce forms in, times he'd made excuses at work when he was upset and how he struggled to sleep etc. etc.

I realised at that point that I thought all I wanted was for him to admit it had hurt him too. Once he did, it made me realise that it didn't solve anything or make me feel better. It's not as if I want him back or had any hope that the marriage could be saved.

So I figured I had to go back to how I handled things when he first told me about the separation. Keep things civil again, not make loaded comments to him and try and get him to react as all that this seemed to achieve was to make me more miserable and set me back.

So last few days I've made conscious effort not to send any emotional emails and just go back to brief civil exchanges re: kids.

I still feel ex tries to score points though, he commented that when he filled the divorce petition in (as it's him filing it then he is putting unreasonable behaviour on my part even though he knows this is not the case) he said he used a word to describe our marriage that he regrets now and apologised in advance.

To me, that was his way of putting me on edge waiting to see what he'd put, or pressing him for more detail. So I just ignored it.

He also said (when I made comments about ow) that I was more than welcome to ask him about his relationships (note: plural) but that I may not like what he told me and it may upset me again. He also commented that he had never asked me or the kids about my personal situation.

To me, that is ridiculous as clearly we're in different situations - I told him to give me some credit that it was highly unlikely I would be ready to be introducing "uncles" to the kids in their own house (tbh I can't see I will ever be ready for that).

But again I just briefly replied saying I had no interest in hearing about his relationships but thought I was entitled to know in advance if he was going to be introducing the kids to anyone. Heard nothing on the matter since.

But since then (this was a few days ago) I haven't sent any more emails and gradually I've begun to feel better. I think I just made myself worse again by thinking about ex and ow and what he may be doing. Guess it's only natural after 30 years together but I need to break that habit as it's healthier for me in the long run. Nothing good can come out of me imagining things regarding him and other partners. It's just something I have to accept that he will be doing.

So at least this is one advantage of ex initiating the divorce so soon as it will all be over in a few months. Assume I'm just waiting for the paperwork now and once I've signed and agreed everything it's just a matter of it going through the courts. At least there's no need to exchange any more emails about it.

It is such a rollercoaster but hopefully I'm on my way up again xx

Hugs to all

Hi Moo nice to hear from you. It’s sad to hear that your ex is still loading his emails, albeit in a subtle manner, in a way to get to you. I’ve had a load of that done to me too in very subtle ways but I know the motivation is there- to make me bite and react. This brings the feelings back to the fore I know myself. Just have to let them wash over you, feel them and hopefully grow stronger from processing what they mean. I guess it’s just part of the pain/healing and all said and done it will make us stronger.

You did the right thing by ignoring the bait. It sends the right signal and even if you’re feeling in bits it makes you look stronger. And you are strong for keeping him at arms length.

I’m having a not very good day as I’m still in limbo re house moves. Our fh is under offer now and surveys are being done but the prospect of me buying another still hangs in the balance. I can’t afford it on my own and am hoping bank of mum and dad might be able to help, but there have been several knock backs and it just seems impossible. So I may have to rent instead. I must count my blessings as I will have equity to the tune of six figures once our house completes and that puts me in a much better position than many. But I just need to move on as it feels like a pause button has been pressed on my life. It’s not doing my mental health any good at all and I really hope I can have a space of my own soon. Whether a rental will feel like home? Not sure as I’ve been an owner for the last decade but there it is.

My counselling finished the other day after 8 sessions. its definitely helped- thanks Eve for putting me on to them. Must put my big man pants on soon and face the music. Hugs all

Hey everyone

Sorry to hear that we’ve all been having a hard time. I’ve sort of reached a similar co clusion to you Moo, I almost need to go back to the beginning again. I even thought I should probably go back and read the books I did then, as maybe ( hopefully!) I’m more ready for them now?

I’ve also had a hard few weeks. Partly because it’s end of term and there have been various joint things I’ve had to attend. Also as I’m going abroad with the kids for the first time on my own and I’m feeling a bit apprehensive. Plus various other things - like discovering more unpaid tax stuff that I’ve had to try and find money for, which is so depressing as I’ve worked so hard to get together a bit of a cushion.

I think I am going to suggest the ex and I go to mediation in September to try and get the ball rolling on moving things forward, as I have to face what separating actually means at some point. I will probably end up renting too crab. I’m also trying to face that my life really does have to change and what that means.

Anyway hope everyone is having a peaceful evening. I haven’t posted much as didn’t want to just keep saying the same things and also because I think I was almost trying to forget what was happening a little, but I often think about you all ( if that doesn’t sound too weird!)

Evening all.
Moo and ilove. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I too haven't been on it. And know I'm not doing a great job workwise. Who have been amazing throughout all this. I just have had enough of the feeling sad and thinking how much happier he must be with ow. And how awful it must of been with me for him to walk away from his house and kids. He has nothing except his clothes.

I keep trying to make sense of why I am so upset. He was clearly emotionally abusive toward me. And this impacted on the children. I knew the last year or so it was a terrible example to set the children. I guess it is the rejection. I wasn't good enough. But we have been over and over it.

Moo I find contact is best kept about the kids. I need to raise a few £k. Not an impossible figure to get him paid off. But it will take a year or so to save up. Hope it makes him happy. I am certain this was not the outcome he was expecting.

Crab. I hope you have your big boy pants on over your trousers. You have been superman. And have held your integrity and prioritised your ds over all you have had to deal with. You should be very proud of how far you have come and in a dignified manor.

Think none of us are out of the wood yet. But next year will be very different for all of us.

Hi all. I was wondering if I may join you. I may have posted on the thread before, certainly tried some drafts, but I can't actually remember if i actually ended up posting.
H had an affair with a colleague who was also a friend. She is also married. Kids both sides. I had no clue that he was unhappy. He certainly never said he was and we continued to live, laugh and love together until the moment I found out. That was early last year and I spent eight months trying to rebuild the marriage before realising that his heart wasn't in it.
We are going through a divorce at the moment and the family home is being sold. With every box, I am packing up memories of our life together. I was in tears going through wedding pictures and snaps of when our dcs were babies. What hurts most is the complete detachment in him.
I'm hoping for some support on here. I realise you have become quite a close nit group but hope you have room for one more late entry. x

Actually. Complete detachment is probably not true. He knows he has hurt me terribly and says he is sorry. What hurts is the lack of wanting to do anything about it.

@ConstantStruggler of course you're welcome here, sorry to hear of how things are going for you. Do you know where you will go? Have ye made a plan for access with dc?

Constantstruggler. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can't imagine having to pack up the house and move after such a difficult time.

It is easy for me to say he isn't worth it. I know to well the feeling that you want him to want to fight for you and the family. I said this to my ex. How do I compete with someone new and exciting. It's impossible and he isn't a prize worth fighting over. Any man who betrays you and walks away from his kids isn't a man I want in my life. We too were ticking along ok at the time.

He isn't the man you love. That person is long gone. I hope the fresh start is a new chapter for you of new beginning. Feel free to come and rant here.

It's a cliche but this will pass. So I keep being told

Thanks for the welcome mammy! 😊
We're trialling 50:50. It's do hard being without the dc. It feels like being "punished" twice over and I feel so lonely and sad when they are not around 😢. They are both in their teens but even in their grumpy grunting phase they still come in for an unexpected hug and kiss occasionally. The house is cold and empty when they are not around so even though I love it where I am it will be good to move and start with a clean slate. Like @lonelycrab I'm having problems with the English house buying/selling system though, and am very much in limbo.
I'm fortunate however that H is cooperative and supportive. I guess that means for him that he can feel a bit less guilty... It makes it difficult to be angry at him: his "only" fault is that he stopped loving me and failed to let me know.
Sorry for ranting on about myself. And sorry to see that so many of you are going through similar.

Thanks eve 😘
One positive is that I don't actually care anymore if someone IRL figures out it's me. Not long ago I was hiding behind a smile grin, pretending everything was fine.

eve35 and constantstruggler. I'm maybe heading for separation too after 23 years together. You're both inspiring. Thank you xx

I'm so fearful of the loneliness that awaits. The empty house. The "fun" dc and ex will have without me at times.

They seem to be able to move on as though nothing's ever happened.

Hugs all xxx

Columba💕

There is t a pain like it and as you said. It is the times without the kids you feel you are continuing to be punished.

Many have walked this path before us and have come out the other side. Just going to take time. Hope you both have good people around you.

Hi Columba and constantstruggler

I’m sorry you find yourselves in this position but welcome to the thread. I hope you find some comfort from what we’ve posted now and over the past 6 months or so.

It certainly is a journey that i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and there are times I am amazed I’ve managed to get through and keep working full time and generally functioning on a daily basis.

It’s so hard accepting a situation that you never wanted in the first place but I just try every day to find something that makes me smile. My relationship with ex was far from perfect in the last couple of years but I would never have ended it and would have tried anything to fix it. But ex had already checked out of the marriage about a year before he told me and I was astounded at how he behaved after so many years together - I felt at the very end that I was clutching at straws as he had already decided it was over and it was pointless me trying to draw attention to the reasons why I thought we should stay together. It took me a little while but once I accepted it and started making practical arrangements then I could see more clearly that what our marriage had turned into in the last few months was unhealthy and making me far more miserable than I would be on my own. But every situation is different and some people have no clue that their relationship was in trouble which must be harder to accept.

As always in these things it’s the kids I felt sorry for as they never asked for any of this, and that was why I was so angry at ex. But they’re doing ok and seem to be handling the situation well.

Hugs xx

constantstruggler interested in hearing how 50/50 works, I think this would give consistency to dc's lives, they're 8 and 4, and I think knowing they're at x house on a particular day would be good for them rather than uncertainty and constant change. But I've no idea if he even wants that, in his last separation he came and went as he wanted to his former marital home and did overnight on Fri and until 6 Sat eve, how is that enough? I will miss my dc obviously and especially them not sleeping under same roof as me some nights but I plan to fill the time with exercise/cleaning/food shopping/friends so that my time with dc is purely for them. I work full time as does H.

Looking at your situation through H's eyes he would think he's the same that I fell out of love with him, but in reality I just opened my eyes and realised myself and dc deserved better than his abusive behaviour.

@columba6 welcome

I'm also dreading packing up the house, in a way I hope that he can raise the money to buy me out because then I'll only have to pack my stuff and dc's not everything.

Hello all. Like ilove, I think I don't come on as often because I want to sort of forget it's happening and sorry, only come on when I need a handhold. Sigh.
Welcome newcomers, it's sad that you have to be here but it's really good to chat to people who've been through it when you think you're the only one .Constantstruggler- I know how you feel, I had no idea, no arguments no conflict, been on holiday, seeing friends as normal , just one day out of the blue told me he had been seeing someone else- for months behind my back .it floored me and I thought i would never recover. I couldn't eat, sleep, cried constantly. I can handle being on my own and usually feel ok now, it's taken a year. Being busy and seeing friends and family really helps. If I could go back I would tell more people straightaway, in protecting myself I protected him by accident, so tell everyone. Make sure everyone knows he's a complete lying cheat. But- and this is where you survivors can help , it's holiday season and so my mind is less occupied with work, the hatred I feel for him and that selfish OW has really reared its head again. Him obviously because he acts as if he's done nothing wrong. She'd been through a divorce because of a cheating husband then goes off with mine - that's what I can't understand, why would you do that? What sort of person would do that? It torments me. How can i get it out of my mind ? Sorry, feel better already . Hope you are all ok X

Hello all again. I needed to get that off my chest. Now I've had time to read the last posts it seems we are having the same sort of thoughts and feelings Moo, mine is the same- says things that I don't want to hear or tells me he doesn't want to say things because it might upset me- well just by saying that it's as if he's doing it on purpose because your mind goes on overdrive . Like nearly all of us and after nearly a year it still drives me mad thinking about what they are doing. I try not not to talk about it too much now unless people ask as I get the impression some people think I should have moved on with my life, I am happy and smiling and have fun but it's those mental struggles. It's when he contacts me it all resurfaces. Newcomers it does get better, these blocks will come now and again. At the beginning it was all consuming now it's like different bullets or pressure points rearing up. Still causes huge pain. Having a low day today. Did anyone see the programme about the women celebs going to Greece ( or somewhere) last night? Good to hear Them talk about their decieving exes . Have a good day x

Hi snow

Good to hear from you. Sorry you’re struggling it’s so hard at times - only advice I can offer is look for as many distractions as possible.

I’ve started watching more TV programmes, films and got back into my soaps again after many years of not watching due to ex thinking they were “sad”.

I hate the way ex knows how to push my buttons, but I guess after so long together they’re bound to - and maybe some of my comments to him are aimed at things I know he will be touchy about so perhaps it works both ways.

I must admit I found his comments re me asking about ow (even though I didn’t) fairly obnoxious. He even went as far as to say “be careful what you wish for” as if to say I will regret wanting to know when he’s told me.

All of those comments made me more determined than ever to never ask him anything again and go back to purely practical messages re the kids. To be honest he may be having orgies every week or have his own harem and maybe that’s why he’s saying I don’t want to know but I think a lot of it may just be for show as youngest always says to me that his dad is on his Xbox all the time

But it’s his business and I just have to do my best not to think about it. He’s not the guy I met and fell in love with when we were 16, and of course I’m not the same person either but the way he ended up being so cruel and (if I’m honest with myself) verbally abusive to me is far less than I deserve. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my days than be made to feel so inadequate by someone else.

I hope we’ve all got some nice plans for the weekend, be it out socialising, with the kids or just a quiet one xx