Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

That should have been @eve34

Meant to add I really admire how you manage to stay strong through this and keep your boundaries with ex in place.

@ilovecrumpets It isn't easy. Whatever you do the impact on the children always makes you question your actions.

You have been able to show the children compassion and respect. Where as I know the children are very much aware I no longer like their father. There is part of me that feels in reflection I should of been less hostile. But I couldn't and can't stand the man. And his actions and behaviour with ow. Bringing her to contact and pick up from day one shows the level of respect he has for me.

The only way I could react is with as low contact as possible. Also it really pisses him off so that helps. I am sure in time it won't hurt like it does. I don't know. As I see it the way he has behaved towards me and the children is unforgivable. And I will of course never tell the children the details but I won't ever forgive him for his actions.

Yes @eve34 I also find the way my ex involved ow from day one with the kids pretty unforgiveable. I think it shows a complete lack of respect and compassion and that he really must feel no guilt at all. I wouldn’t treat a stranger the way he has treated me. I also think it made it even harder for the kids which I find unforgivable. In a strange way the way he has behaved post split has almost been the most upsetting part.

Eve34 thanks, but I have to admit getting help with the garage. Luckily my friends have rallied round with offers of help and consolation so I will take what I can get for now.

Ilovecrumpets that is really tough. It's bad enough having to deal with ex leaving but then also having to upend your life and your kids' life by moving is shittier still.

I'm earlier on than you and haven't had financial settlement yet so still hoping I can hold onto the house but I realise that may not happen... Moving is stressful enough without it being a forced move to a place you didn't really want to go to. Ugh. You would think they would do their utmost to minimise disruption in their children's lives after all they've put them through but no, want us to move as well.
I swear, if I hear STBXH say one more time that the kids are resilient I will scream. That doesn't mean you should traumatise them in the first place!
It's so sad that your ex is prioritising ushering at a wedding over spending time with his kids. Just goes to show what kind of person he is and where his priorities are.

@eve34 have a fantastic time in Spain! It must be great to see your eldest again after the break. Siestas are your friend in the heat.

Monday I am demolishing the garage that STBXH would never let me knock down because it 'added value' despite being a total eyesore. I can't wait! I asked the builder if I could take a sledgehammer to it but he said apparently they use some kind of machine instead. Gutted. Still, it will be great to see it go down! I consider it a symbol of all the shit I had to put up with and my desire to move on!

sprites my ex does the ‘kids are resilient’ in a patronising manner to me too! Even though my eldest has now been referred to CAMHS by school and is clearly struggling.

He was just deeply unpleasant and bullying to me this evening - decided to have a go when I got back ( he’d had to hang around as I already had plans for this evening and wasn’t changing them - I’m guessing he was annoyed as he was trying to guilt trip me as he wanted to leave for his wedding this evening) about how messy the kids toy boxes were?!? I suspect it was also because I said it wasn’t ok to just chop and change when he was having the kids. Eugh. The thing I really find frustrating with myself is when that happens it still makes me a bit sad afterwards, that this is what we have come to. And also second guessing myself as to whether I was unnecessarily goading him - I did say earlier when my eldest was having a compete meltdown and was hysterical that this was my exes fault. Because honestly it is! The way he has handled everything. But it probably was unnecessary.

Anyway I just hate interacting with him in any way at the moment - at least I don’t have to see him until Tuesday!

And enjoy the garage demolition sprite! Make sure you get to do at least a bit of sledgehammering

Morning all. Hope everyone is making the most of the lovely day?

I have eldest back from scout camp. So we are just chilling out

@ilovecrumpets I guess they have reinvented themselves. And aren't the people they were with us. The children will see him for what he is the older they get. Hope your son gets the help he needs from camh's. Ours have been useless. And with the move to secondary School I'm a little anxious for him.

I found early on the less contact the better. But I know your situation is different to mine. But ex knows I will only talk about the kids or money. He actually came to the house at pick up last time asked how I was. Which I ignored. He muttered to himself. I'm fine thanks for asking. Love the passive aggressiveness of it.

@spritesobright hope you get to take part in the destruction of the garage. I was full of ideas of redecorating. And have paint. But lost my get up and go. Well done for calling on your friends to help. I have paid for some jobs to be done. Which I know ex will be annoyed about because they were things he could of done for me.

I'm a bit tearful this morning. Kids were playing songs 'daddy plays'. Hate that their world has been torn apart like this. But he doesn't see the destruction. As both kids especially my eldest puts on a happy act for him. It's me that deals with the tears. Upset and fall out. But I know we have a home free from his ea. And bullying ways.

Hi Eve and Crumpets. Hope you both had a great weekend.
I took the kids to a party at friends' house. Weirdly there were a lot of people in their 20s there and I ended up chatting to a two young, single guys. It was very strange knowing that I am now 'single' and whilst there wasn't any flirting, we did hug afterwards. It was nice.

How long are you thinking of waiting before dating again? Or can you even think about it? I had this crazy idea that I might get off with some hot Italian guy on my upcoming holiday (without the kids, obviously) but now I'm thinking I might just feel sad afterwards. It's hard to say. I am terrified and a bit thrilled to have sex with someone other than STBXH after 14 years...
eve34 the stuff about 'daddy' kills me as well. Neighbours were in their garden the other day and their youngest was calling out, "Daddy, Daddy." My DD remarked "It's not fair, they get their Daddy and we don't."

After STBXH has insistent last week that he visit at bedtime and call the kids regularly he has made no more effort to do so and even forewent the chance I gave him to take them to swimming lessons on Saturday. Probably because he was staying over at OW's.

MIL came at the weekend to (finally) pick up her stuff and she also took the mini fridge downstairs. It belongs to my BIL but has been at ours for a year after he lived with us.

I am pissed because DH was supposed to supervise and didn't, and I was relying on the fridge to use during renovations since the other one will be out of commission.

I've told him he can sort me out a new fridge and I want the keys back from her. We'll see if he sorts it but if not I'm getting a new one on his credit card. Luckily he hasn't cancelled that yet.
I also got my letter of divorce from my solicitor that she is going to send to him. It was so surreal to read it. I was shaking. I still can't quite believe this is happening.

Hi @eve34 - you are right about them not seeing ( or actually I suspect have the willingness to even think about the destruction). Hope you are feeling OK this morning. I think sometimes the everyday moments can really hit you - I went away last minute for a couple of nights with the kids. We were having a lovely time ( in amongst the whining 😉) but I was surrounded by families and I too suddenly just felt so sad for my kids ( and myself I guess) and had that realisation that this will be my holidays going forwards. They will no doubt take comfort from the stability you bring them though and I guess we will all get there eventually. At some point I suppose this will seem normal.

@spritesobright I’m really impressed you arenat the divorce letter stage - I have not managed to get myself to there yet. I think whatever has happened seeing it written down must be very hard. It’s not a great sign that you’re ex hasnt bothered with the kids - I hope for them he starts to. And definitely get the keys off your MIL! It always pisses me off how the exes never even think that maybe we need some private space - it’s like they get their new life with OW and somewhere to live but think they have the right to dip in and out of family life. And it’s really hard to draw boundaries on that.

Hope everyone has a good week

Eve I'm actually thinking of getting a plumber in to fix a few taps that are leaking while H is here, he's put them on the long finger for about 6 months now, luckily we don't pay for water.

Sprite well done to you on having the interest in a fling with someone else it's not something I can contemplate at the moment & it was me that made the decision to end my marriage.
I thought I was strong but reading your last post there you're even stronger!

Candy I stayed home yesterday while H took out dc, this was not the original plan at all & I had planned to go to a local event with them. I didn't go at all then because it would be all families and I'd be alone. And not everyone knows our situation yet so all the questions would be where is h & dc?
I'm looking at one parent holidays for next year & hope the following year to visit my dbro when things are more settled.

Hi mammy I went on a single parent holiday this year for a week and it was fab. I’d really rocmmend it

Aw, what lovely comments to suggest that I'm strong. I feel like I just had no choice in seeking out a divorce. He was leaving, practically shouted that he "just didn't love me anymore,," had been having an affair for 6 months that he wasn't going to end and when asked, couldn't come up with any reasons not to end the marriage. I feel I have no other choice but to move on with my life and protect me and the kids from his wrath of self-destruction.
As for dating or sex, it's more of a crazy fantasy. Not sure I will actually go through with it.

Candy and Mammy I totally get the 'single parent' family thing and how strange it feels. Society is so structured around 'couple culture' and the nuclear family it's hard to not feel part of that. Candy was your single parent holiday on your own or with other single parents?

I am thinking in future that holidays with other single mums are the way forward. I also have several lesbian couple friends with kids who are great to hang out with and my one camping trip with a 'nuclear' couple friend was fine. But making friends with new sets of couples will be weird - I don't think that's going to work out.

mammy I was worried at the weekend about friends of friends asking me where STBXH was and actually only one person asked and it was fine. I said, "we're separated" and we left it at that.

I'm quite an open person though and would have discussed it if they wanted to but most people don't want to pry I think. I'm sure you'll figure out your own way to tell people if you want to.

The demolition and renovations started today and I got a series of flip flopping, backtracking, stressy emails from STBXH freaking out about an aspect of the build and how he wants to 'talk to me about it.'
Erm, no.
I said I'd think about his suggestion but couldn't meet to talk.

I am slowly realising what a control freak he is and even now he's trying to control me. My motto is ignore, ignore and then mildly appease with "I'll think about it."

Every text he sends feels like an ambush. I just want him out of my life!

Evening all

Just to say I somehow had defaulted my old name but Candy is actually me!

Sorry!

Evening all.
@spritesobright yes being single is very strange. I have been part of a couple for the past 30 years. And I was proud to be ex other half. But I'm ok about being single right now. It helps I have few single Mum friends so have people to meet up with and do stuff.

Funny how your stbxh made a fuss about seeing the kids and then not. Kids Dad asked about watching kids swim. (Eldest stopped lessons ages ago but didn't point that out). For one reason or another I had to do it but when given the opportunity he was a no show. Guess something more important came up. Hope you have your keys back from mil now? Stay strong with ex. He doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore

@Ilovecrumpets good you got away with the kids. I know when we went at Easter it was bitter sweet. But another first done and you should be proud of yourself.

@mammynowanauntyIRL I think the single parent holidays are the way forward. Maybe we should all book the same week and can toast ourselves for doing so well.

Whoever asked about dating. I can't imagine being with anyone else. But also firmly feel that I need to actually get out there to really move on and close that door firmly behind me. I don't know if I would want anything casual. Or serious. I just am aware the children need stability right now. But completely by surprise have a date this weekend 😳. I am not giving it any head space until five mins before said date otherwise I might change my mind. But right now just seeing it as a drink with a friend.

Hi sprites single parent holiday was a small group one. Honestly one of the better holidays I have been on ( including those with ex!). Was great as everyone in the same boat, was a really fun group so I got adult company in the evening and the kids loved being with other kids. Also meant that someone was always ok to keep an eye on my kids, so if I say needed to nip to the toilet when they were both in the pool etc ( and I did the same). At the same time you are free to dip in and out andnthere was lots of time to spend on your own with the kids if you wanted. I made a couple of friends who I will stay in touch with.

I’m already saving for next year! I think given the circumstances it’s definitely one of the best holidays to do.

Hi all just reading last posts, catching up. I've been away for a few days so been trying to forget and pretend that this isn't happening , and it works while I'm away. But you come back to the reality again. And everything is just rubbish. Reading the last few posts it's interesting how many of them want to be your friend. How they think they can do this and somehow we'll all be able to get on, they do not have a clue about how this affects you. They want to show the world that we're still friends to save face. Quite a lot of you are still in touch with your ex's family in some capacity. I haven't heard from his in months, in fact since the start of all this. I contacted a couple of them initially but nothing since. I don't have children so no contact from that but it still rankles that I was good friends with them and I now see them for what they are. Not even a quick 'how are you' text. Even if they're loyal to him it sucks that I'm the one who is shut off. Anyway am going to have to look at singles holidays - I've been away with friends and family but always feel like a hanger on, can't expect them to always have to include me . I've looked at a few but it feels weird. I'm struggling as feel like I need my own holiday but don't want to go on my own, xx

I love crumpets glad to hear of someone who has gone on one & enjoyed it! I think they sound amazing.
Just been for a walk with my friend & she's said that I'm welcome when her & her friends go camping too. I've not gone this year because dc would wonder why H wasn't joining us but next year I will.

Oh eve enjoy that drink with friend

Winter I hope you do go on holiday, it's not easy sure it's not.
I'm going to test water with ddil this weekend I think & suggest meeting up with dc when I'm in their part of the country see what she says.

mammy yes it was daunting but Im pleased I went. And it was also good to go somewhere with people who didn’t know me from before? So they only knew the separated me if that makes sense?

I realised today I think the thing I find hard atm - particularly on holidays - is that there is no one to share it with and also no one else who will have those memories ( particularly as my children are young). I don’t know why but I find that so sad - no one to laugh at the kids doing something silly, or remember how excited they were, or laugh after if something went wrong.

@ilovecrumpets do you have family who dote on your dc? We've a family whatsapp group and I post things my dc do there

Hi all, just catching up.

Winter I'm sorry your family in law have been so uncommunicative and cold. I totally understand what you mean. It hurt that none of this family texted to ask how I was, despite him being the one leaving me. Then his sister texted and that was nice but not as satisfying as I'd hoped. I realised I'm not going to get what I need from them right now and have been relying on my mum and aunt instead.

I'm not close to my family but this has actually brought me closer, especially to my mum who has been calling and listening and just letting me cry whenever.

So, big development on my part. Despite all my resolve about filing for divorce I have now decided not to do so just yet. I had already sent my marriage certificate off and everything.

I realised perhaps it was pre-emptive and not what feels right just yet. We've only been separated a month and I instructed my solicitor the day after learning about his affair and him telling me he intended not to end it with her.
This came on because earlier this week we were arguing over text and I just started crying and decided to drive over to his house. I wasn't expecting it at all and probably wouldn't have advised myself to do it. But when I got there he was upset too and we had this really raw and intense conversation. He told me he'd broken up with OW in order to 'work on himself' and he's still seeing his therapist. He also confessed to his family about the affair and has told me that he's working hard to regain my trust but realises it will take time.

I suppose giving me a large sum of money to work on the house that I'm planning to keep was a significant risk that he's taken. He hasn't even gotten a solicitor yet and is clearly quite emotionally and mentally fragile.

I'm not saying I feel sorry for him or necessarily believe that he's not going to see her but I do feel now that divorce isn't what I want just yet when we are both so emotionally volatile.

I realise this is a massive stand-down and in some ways I'm afraid of telling friends lest they be disappointed in me. So many people, including my counsellor who I've now stopped seeing, had kept telling me to file for divorce and I recognise they wanted to protect me but at the same time only ex and I truly understand the dynamic between us and what we're both going/have been through.

I don't know if I can forgive the affair. I certainly don't want him to move back in again right now and would need couples counselling before we even considered that. And frankly, I have changed massively and I like myself better than I did 6 months ago. I don't want to go back to the criticism and the walking on eggshells that were my existence for the year before we split. But he has also acknowledged that he's the one that needs to change, not me. So if he can do that then I feel I want to give that a chance.

I don't know if I'm brave or stupid or just not quite ready to end a 14 year relationship but I think/hope that time will help me decide.

Sprite that's a big turnaround but only you know what's right for you

Sprite yes you can only do what you think is best.

I’m feeling a bit shaken and worried this evening. Ex has recently changed jobs and when I came back this evening he told me he was fine to now move to seeing the kids e/o weekend ( I think this will be good) and then announced now he has changed jobs he wants to take them to school at least 2 times a week. By this he means turn up at 8.15 and take them from the house.

He said it in such a horrible demanding way that it really made me feel worried. I feel like this is him starting the process of trying to show he has the kids more. As I’ve said before I do know and understand that it is probably better for them, but I find it so deeply upsetting. Apart from the fact that he refused to ever do this when we were married and I have arranged my whole working life around a job that allows me to take them to school 4 days a week which I’ve been doing. I also feel a bit like he still doesn’t take any of the responsibility ( so none of the ordering school clothes, making sure homework is done stuff) and also not getting them up and ready or covering the days he said he would in the holidays. Just waltzing in for the fun bits. But that he is going to use this to show he has established that he has them a significant amount of time ( as he does an hour bath and bed in the evening 2 nights).
When he has never done any of this before.

I’m wondering whether to get some legal advice on how best to arrange this. There is also the aspect of I don’t want to have him at the house and see him more. He was intially suggesting he did the mornings when he doesn’t do bath and bed. So he would be here every day. I honestly can’t bear that. The alternative I guess is to tie it to the mornings he does bath that evening. But then that would establish him as having them 6 nights out of 14 I think. Which would prevent me moving away long term. And also I guess would mean when he got his place he could demand the kids being there overnight that much - which I hate and also am not sure would be best for them. I don’t know whether to try and suggest a pattern that could then be mirrored if he had them overnight at his as/when he gets a place near enough. So maybe 5 nights a fortnight.

I hate the way he just announces his demands. Having let me down on when he was having them over the summer. And then I think am I just being selfish here. It probably is better for them to see him more ( although again this is new really as I have been by far the main carer) and I’m being selfish and need to come to terms with this I just don’t know how to come to terms with not being with them. They are so little and it’s always just been me and them as ex was away. I honestly feel like I can’t bear it, even just the thought is breaking me.

@Ilovecrumpets Get some advice. Then at least you know where you stand. He has made a request. Not an order. This has to work for all of you. How far is he. If he can pop in and out like he is. Then he can also do the School run from his. That's not fair he just swans in and takes them to school.

How would eow. And one week night over night work? Time to get tough. And say. I'm glad you are in a position to have the children over night. You can stop coming to the house for visits. That needs to change. It's not good for you or the children. Routine is key and boundaries. Not easy I know. I now can't bear the thought of ex being in the house.

@spritesobright take your time. And do whatever feels right.

Ex twice this week said he would see kids then got stuck at work/Traffic. It's a good job I don't tell them. His weekend this weekend and we go on our holidays next week. So looking forward to just pottering about with them.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Hi -hoping I can join in this thread. I separated from my husband 7 weeks ago at my decision. We are still in the informal phase of him seeing them and I'm finding it difficult because he just doesn't seem to be very proactive at seeing them. Although he texts them I know he hasn't spoken to them for 5 days. He's having them a whole 3 days in the summer holidays!

He is talking about renting a room rather than a flat to make things cheaper and he won't be able to have the dd their so he can just see them at the house can't he! Well actually no I said you see them where you love or at your mums but you are not just seeing them here - I know what will happen they will just get on with doing their own thing and he will sit there!

He will also be going on to a rolling work pattern so fixed days / weekends won't be possible - does anyone have that and how do you find it?