Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

It's struck me again. All of this is crap but what it boils down to is that he rejected me and preferred someone else . And that hurts. Really hurts. That and the fact that he has a partner and in effect a new family to do things with.

winter yes it is that and the betrayal. I think the way they just move on with their lives so don’t have to deal with the loneliness and heartbreak is sort of shocking? It’s as if all the years meant nothing

@spritesobright it helps when they give you those little moments of thank god I don't have to deal with your shit anymore.

@Moocow72 sorry you are upset. The timing is rubbish. It is like they know when you are feeling ok and have to push your buttons all over again. It is something else to deal with.

Although I was never given the curtsey of breathing space between leaving me and kids seeing ow. I'm kinda glad In away as it got all the hurt out of the way. And I have not once made any issue with her at all. When my time comes he won't have a leg to stand on when someone better is in mine and the kids lives.

It is the ultimate rejection. I wasn't good enough and she was better than me. But we know it's not us. It is them. I don't want to be with someone who puts their own selfish needs over their children. When they never gave it their all.

And they skip off and pretend to the world they are one happy family. Maybe they are. But whatever happens they are my kids. I already had kids with him. So that won't be so special if/when it happens with ow. And I give the kids a safe and happy home.

The best revenge is to live well. I'm trying to do the best I can.

As for holidays we are off to Spain. My grandparent have been out there a long time and parents followed a few years ago. So have someone to share the load with the kids and some grown up company.

@Moocow72 hope you have a lovely few days away.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Yes crumpet, exactly that. Betrayal. Like putting a blanket over all that's gone before and rejecting all the good things. And then putting blinkers on themselves to absolve then of guilt. X

Eve our responses overlapped. Yes rejection, and thinking someone is better than me. But you're right, it's them , not us and I think mid life crisis . Traded in for younger model . I'm trying to live my life the best I can, but it's not the one I wanted, I think that plays a part too that it's not the one I wanted X

Hi all

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I have been a bit teary all afternoon but feel a bit better already.

I know he told me now deliberately knowing we’re going away - it could easily have waited a few days but that has just made me more determined to not let it spoil the break.

She’s welcome to him. It’s just the thought of the kids spending time with her and her becoming part of his family (which I still feel are my family as I see his parents even now more than he does!) but I’ve just got to toughen up and accept it.

I’m not happy with the kids knowing I know but being told not to mention her to me. In a few days when I am less raw about it I will tell them I know and that I never want them to feel there is any subject they can’t talk to me about or mention in front of me. So even though I don’t expect OW to be a regular topic of conversation in our house, I don’t want them to feel they will upset me if they do mention her.

He told me youngest didn’t ask many questions when he told him about having a gf but apparently eldest asked lots. I suspect it’s because one of his mates parents have just split up due to the dad having an affair so maybe he was sussing out who she was and how long he’s known her. He’s 17 in November so he’s no fool but he can draw his own conclusions based on whatever ex has told him.

Hugs all - thanks again for being there.

When I get more time I will put a longer post on - sorry to hear your eldest is struggling crumps but the letter he wrote you sounds lovely. Like you say I think he’s just making sure you’ll never leave him so as time goes by and he gets older his love and respect for you will get stronger knowing what you’ve gone through xxx

Hi Crumpet, I'm so sorry to hear about your ex behaving that way with the kids and OW. I have threatened DH not to introduce them as it will be upsetting for the kids but am bracing myself it will happen one day.

I used to catch myself forgetting that it had all happened and then suddenly I would remember and it would ruin things with the thought "he's left me." My therapist suggested I turn it around and think, "he's leaving but I'm staying."
This has really helped me, and it's true. I've kept all our friends, the house, the majority of the time with the kids, and what does he have? He just looks miserable and a bit like someone kicked him.

Highlight of my week was telling STBXH that our youngest has worms after they stayed the weekend with him. He asked if I had any extra doses of treatment. I would love to see the look on OW's face if he has to tell her to get treated for worms, because who knows what she's had up his arse (somewhere I never wanted to go but she's probably obliged).
Maybe I should tell her myself

No idea where the bold came from.
@Wintersnow17 No it wasn't what I wanted either. Told ex that as a parting shot. Yes I will move on and be happy but it is a compromise for the life I wanted for me and the kids. It's shit sharing christmases/birthdays and having two homes etc.

It is just plain selfish behaviour. He won't change. He will play a good game but like sprit mine has also walked away with nothing. Few £££ at some point. But will rent from now. And he sees the kids 4 days a month. Never asks for any other time never calls or text. Although he had his reason for not wanting to make it work with me. I don't see that as a happy life. But I'm sure he sees it differently.

@spritesobright love the worms conversation. Hope he let him get his own medication.

Funnily enough I had the same worm event happen with mine sprite

winter sorry that you are also feeling low. eve I think that is exactly it - I will be OK in the end because I’m not going to waste my life, but it isn’t what I want. I will cope with being financially stretched and having to leave my house for somewhere much smaller but being apart from my kids will never be OK. That in particular feels deeply unfair and impossible to be positive about.

Crumpets what's your custody situation like? And can you plan anything nice for when the kids are away? Similarly I felt like the worst part of him leaving was not having my kids all the time. The thought of going into their rooms and seeing their empty beds killed me.

It is super hard but I have also managed to do some things without the kids that I never would have done before. Like going surfing for the weekend in Cornwall, or visiting a friend who's also getting a divorce and going out dancing with her til late.

Can you manage to plan anything fun while they're away? I know it's shit and I am having to reign in the activities somewhat now the youngest is uber clingy, but I have to admit I am (somewhat) enjoying STBXH actually stepping up and doing some childcare, because he has to if he wants to see his kids.

The rejection bit is awful, I know. In the throes of my misery I actually asked him "what does she have that I don't?" (not proud of that moment).

I'm caring less now and trying to think about what I have that she doesn't. Like two amazing kids, my dignity, and oh yeah, the moral high ground!
I realise I'm lucky though that he is not doing stuff with her and the kids yet. She also never wanted kids and leads a somewhat pristine, OCD lifestyle so I really don't see how she will enjoy or deal with the reality of children and all the mess, boredom and compromise they entail (in addition to the immeasurable joy of course).
eve34 I stupidly told him that I had some. MUST REMEMBER NOT TO BE NICE. is my new mantra.

Hi sprites my ex comes to the house to do bath and bed 2x a week and then has them Saturday night and Sunday every week. Inevitably though this involves him turning up and hanging round the house for an hour or so at least at both ends so I end up with less than 24 hours. I need to get better at not filling it with practical stuff! I’m trying to persuade him to move to every other weekend instead, but am a bit worried as to how my eldest would find that. I do need to get more disciplined but as he still contributes to the house I find it hard to draw boundaries with him around being in the house, if that makes sense? So quite a bit of his stuff is still here.

I was quite good at forcing myself to socialise etc but - but pathetic! - I just feel so very tired at the moment so deliberately didn’t do that this week ( my work is crazy hours and stressful atm). I think I’m finding this week hard as it’s the first one they have really been gone in the week. Because I didn’t have any family support and my ex was away and worked 7 days ( this will put me but he was a sports person but not a well paid sport tbc!) I’d only ever been away from the kids for 1 night. Not healthy but has made the transition even harder I think.

@ilovecrumpets it is a very difficult adjustment and you have always be able to hold your head high that you have put the kids first and been nothing but hospitable toward their father.

It does feel like a punishment being without the kids it's enforced free time and it sucks. I know your kids are a bit younger than mine but the shift to eow really helped me. As there is no contact between so I have a good chunk of time that I'm not thinking or preparing to see ex. I plan stuff and volunteer as can't afford the social life. But didn't want to sit and pine for the kids or do jobs. I don't like it but it is bearable.

@spritesobright see how long that lasts with small children and their sticky fingers.

I day dream that ow will get fed up with the kids she is 23. But he has them so infrequently that I can't see it impacting on them much. And I can foresee my kids getting pushed out if/when he has another family. It will of course be all my fault as it always is. He never could take any responsibility for himself.

It takes practice not to help them. We have done it for so long . He was in hospital a few weeks ago and it took everything I had to not ask if he needed anything. I'm glad I didn't as he has ow. And apparently 100 friends who he loves more than family. So has other people to call on.

Just wish I could see into the future.

@eve34 love the sticky fingers idea. I should send them off with pots of jam and glitter glue if they ever go and see her.
23!?! bloody hell. His OW is 46 so 6 years older than me and 10 years older than him. That's quite odd in a midlife crisis affair but I think he basically wants a mummy who will take care of him (one of his complaints was that he had to take care of me).

When STBXH was in hospital recently, before I found out about the affair, OW sent him this mahoosive gift bag of DVDs, snacks, books, etc.

Looking back I feel absolutely livid that she shoved it in my face like that and stupid for not realising what was happening. But he was so damned good at lying. Scarily so.

Re: seeing into the future...
If it's any consolation, my divorced friends who are 1 or more years down the line all say the exact same thing to me. They have triumphed and he looks like an utter twat. He either never reformed and has the exact same issues in the new relationship or he came crawling back and this time they said NO because they realised their lives were utterly, 100% better without him.

I may not ever get that day where I tell him to f* off because I don't want him back but I do take joy from imagining it.

I told his sister today about the affair, kinda wish I hadn't. I didn't get the shock and awe reaction I was hoping form (she is doggedly diplomatic) but at least she hasn't shunned me like his mum.

Part of what makes me sad as well is losing his family because mine are sh** and his is absolutely lovely (well his mum most of the time). But ah well, we can't have everything and it's their loss if they don't want to see the kids as often because they can't be civil to me.

@spritesobright

Ex is ten years younger than me. So she is 12 years younger than him. Apparently she is very mature. But not mature enough to actually say hello when we came face to face last week and I said hello to her.

Think we are all hoping quietly it goes to shit for them all. That is only natural. But I have been very grown up and said I hope it works out for them. So that mine and the children's upset was worth something.

Like you His family are lovely. And I have had to back right off. I was leaning on them too much. And I guess deep down I wanted them to make him change his mind. Make his see. His sister is his biggest fan. Which is infuriating as he wouldn't give her the time of day. But I have adjusted and know they want to keep in touch with me and of course the kids as at the moment he is not facilitating that. And I'm not bitter enough to hurt the children by stopping contact.
Although I know it will change as time goes on. It makes me very sad. They have been a massive part of mine and the children's lives. He has caused a lot of hurt in his bid to be happy. I don't think he thought it was going to pan out like this. He wanted us to be friends because I have been his best friend all these years. He doesn't see how that makes no sense. I know in time I will be more at peace with it. But it fucking sucks from where I'm sitting. And I don't see how sharing the kids at Christmas is the best for everyone. But what do I know.

Sorry. Gone off on one there.

@eve32 volunteering is a good idea - I did look into that intially but should make more of an effort. I also have the problem that everyone tells me to build a new social life but I don’t really have the money to do so!

My ex also wants us to be friends and acts like we are. I still find it so strange as to how he can think it ok and I could be his friend. I wonder if that will change though if I push for mediation in September - although moving things forward scares me as I am so worried about how much he will want the kids plus I will have to move, I do need to do it. Atm it’s almost like there hasn’t been that many consequences for him. And I need to move out of behaving almost as if I’m still married.

Hope everyone is having an ok evening - looks like it will be hot again for me this weekend!!

Eve34 you're a better woman than me. If I ever see OW the last thing I'll be saying is hello and we'll both be lucky if I don't slap her in the face, frankly.
I totally understand about wanting his family to change his mind but they're all so damn empathetic with him. I guess that's their job. I know his mum is deeply disappointed with him and the exact same thing happened to her when the kids were young so hopefully she won't be too keen to meet OW. I pray.
STBXH's husband was trying to be kind and understanding but suggested that these things merely take time and I should try to work on my relationship with STBXH if I want to reconnect with his family. This is utterly laughable. I have done ALL the work thus far and he has done nothing but lie to my face and give up on everything because he was too 'weak.'

Crumpets WHY do they want to be our friends?!? It's insane and so disconnected from reality. No, you stomped on my heart and destroyed my life so funny, I'm not your best friend anymore!

I tried 'not being nice' tonight. I had cleared out the liquor cabinet because I don't really drink anymore (never really did much) and I need to pack up the kitchen. I was going to give him all the extra booze but thought - No wait, and gave it to my young neighbours instead. They were super pleased!
Has anyone been watching GLOW at all? The scene where Debbie gives away their entire house full of furniture because her ex's new gf asks what make of bed they have so he can buy a new one was f**ing brilliant. I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it.

Just realised above when I said husband I meant sister, ooops.

Evening all.
@ilovecrumpets. It is hard to upset the status quo. I'm lucky. The house was mine before I met him. So there is no change there. And so far his eow is enough for him. I'm hoping that does t change. But if he wanted more contact it would be better for the kids. My eldest is feeling very rejected as there is no contact in between.

They want to be friend so it eases their guilt. Ex at the beginning use to ask if I need him to do any jobs. Just ask. Or if I wanted to go out at night be would baby sit. He was fucking deluded how he ever thought that was going to work. But he wanted to be seen as this nice guy doing his not for his ex. And not been seen as the arsehole that walked away from me and his kids.

@spritesobright Sadly they will of course side with family. Although my ex mil is very supportive. When push comes to shove he is her son. No matter how badly he has treated me/kids. And I have that up most in my mind when ever I talk to her. I keep it factually. But diplomatic.

Nearly the weekend. And going to be getting hot. Hope it cools down a little bit before we go away. It sounds like it is going to be unbearable in Spain. 😓

Sorry @ilovecrumpets I was going to say. Once you have settled into new routine it will hopefully be better for all of you and you can put this behind you and start to rebuild again. And we will all bounce back from this in time.

Eve34 that's so true about the guilt. So far I have resisted getting his help with clearing out the entire garage, taking 2 children camping including loading the car, fixing the computer and clearing the outside drains. I have felt a lovely sense of accomplishment each time. When he asks I remind him that I can't rely on him anymore (or trust anything he says).

He can try to convince himself that he's still a good person other ways (and good luck with that.

@spritesobright wow you have done incredibly well. I have paid people to do some small jobs. Which I know will of pissed him off.
He wants to be forgiven and given absolution. That isn't coming from me anytime soon.

eve yes I know you are right.

So ex was meant to have the kids this week as in Sunday to Sunday. Then shortened it to Monday to Saturday evening. Yesterday texts me to say he had just realised a wedding he is an usher at is this weekend (?!?) so he either takes the kids or brings them back Friday night. Friend at work said call his bluff and say take the kids, so I did, but lots of how he would have to find someone else to look afternoon them etc etc. I had plans for tonight and Saturday but just felt nice sad for the kids that we were in effect almost arguing about who should have them that of course I said just bring them home.

It’s like there is no recognition at all from him that they are his responsibility as well - not just play things he picks and chooses his time with. I feel so sorry for them.

Despite all that I’m coming to the realisation that I don’t think I can bring myself to move away and take the kids away from living near him. Even though I know for me it would be a better move, I just can’t do it, at least not yet. But then that is making me feel so trapped. And I know this must sound so entitled and materialistic but I’m really struggling with how my circumstances will change. I will have to go from a largish house with a small garden, to a 2 bed flat without and will still be very stretched financially. I know life is unfair and it sounds like all I care about is material things but it just feels such a step back at my age, I will be in such different circumstances from my friends and peers. And I worked hard for this too. Plus I feel an idiot that I spent my savings supporting ex as well.

Anyway sorry for the moan - it just feels a bit at the moment as if life is one long hard road and I’m finding it difficult to see how things will ever get easier. Infact it looks like they will get harder.

@ilovecrumpets was it you that had the choice of moving nearer family for support and better quality of life.

I would still explore both options.

It is the sacrifice you are having to make because of his decision. You never wanted any of this. Having to move etc etc. Just feels like we continue to be punished for something we didn't want.

Well done for standing your ground. And making him think about putting the kids first. I have moments like this with ex. He now knows there is no flexibility in contact. It is only four days a months. You would think he want to make the most of it. Youngest complained today that all they do is sit in the flat and she still is sleeping on the floor. I made the right noises but ultimately told her she needs to tell her dad. It is very sad he isn't able to put the kids first. But then if he capable of that none of this would of happened.

My eldest is back from camp tomorrow. Week has flown by. Busy week next week. Then Spain for ten days. It is going to be roasting. But at least we can just chill out by the pool.

Hi @eve - yes family support, friends and quality of life. But it is a very long way away ( almost opposite end of the country).

My plan is to get much more strict and structured on contact from September. And to stop him hanging round the house so much, plus take down some of the stuff in the house relating to husband acheivements ( I’ve moved some to the kids bedrooms as I understand you hey are still proud of him) to try and make it feel more like mine. Also box up his books and tell him to take his remaining clothes. My fear I guess is that this makes him get nastier but I need to feel I am moving forwards and it feels like time to start going into the next phase of making the separation permanent in practice.

Hopefully the heat will be manageable with the pool and not having to do anything. Plus the houses etc are much more built for it. I really enjoyed my holiday, think part of my low is coming back as hadn’t realised how much I’d been looking forward to it ( even if it was a bit daunting!).