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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:

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Wellyboots86 · 11/01/2018 17:20

Total cost is £1250 sunflowers of which £550is the divorce fee anyway. Stbxw is liable for half of that too.

scotgal hope it all went well

Layniboggs123 · 11/01/2018 17:27

sunflowers4 I could it so hard seeing pics on social media at first but now I'm not as bothered as their relationship is so fake and I can't wait for it to crumble. Stbxh is doing/eating/acting so different to impress and he will soon get tired of keeping up the act x off subject to anyone feeling down, if u like a musical watch the greatest showman . It's made me so happy and feel like I can take on the world .. sending love

scotgal2017 · 11/01/2018 18:47

Want to see the Greatest Showman looks great, local cinema shows films in English but as nob head is probably sunning himself in Havana with the OW by now can't go and see it!!

Not sure how solicitor went.....it seems if I can sit downwith him and come to an agreement, we can then take it to a lawyer who will send to court and should be done in 2/3 months. If I file without consulting I could be worse off than I already am and with no agreement it could drag on for 18 months to 2 years! Not sure, waiting on my dad to call later to discuss with someone wise lol. I think I might just wait and let him deal with it, it's what he says he wants but I wanted it done and dusted asap to be able to move on pronto!! Might have to think about it for a few days.....my biggest bugbear would be having to be in the sam .place as him for an extended period of time and try to be nice about something that he has brought about by f*ING off...

Amaz24 · 11/01/2018 20:19

Scotgal I understand what you are going through !

I went to solicitor yesterday. He's entitled to half my deposit on our house and my pension so far . He's not got anything! Best to see if we can come to an agreement ourselves so going to speak to him tomorrow to see what he expects to get and go from there.

Mortgage at the min I can't remortgage so probably have to sell. And even if I did remortgage I dont have the money to pay him anything!!!
I've spent since yesterday crying! 😪

Thought I was feeling slightly better but now back to day one! So stressed. I just feel like it's just all too much to think about.
😪😪😪😪😪😪😪😪

newtonml64 · 11/01/2018 20:21

Scotgal17 I was given similar advice by a Solicitor I saw. She also advised against citing adults or naming the bh in the petition, as If stbxh or the bh fail to respond or contest it, it will take more time which means more money. The frame of my mind I’m in at the moment is I couldn’t care less they deserve to pay. I’m looking at a DIY divorce. There’s a lot of guidance on the internet but it takes a lot of time to read and understand it. Did anyone see the Tonight programme tonight it was all about making divorce easier!!!

Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 07:04

Irritated I know how you feel, some days im really positive, others just want to cry all day. Yesterday was rubbish had to escape to the toilets at work all the time. I hate him for that. Spending the evening on your own doesn't help.

Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 07:23

Good to hear people are moving on and sorting . I need to get to grips with house stuff.
Can anyone give advice on how to block thoughts? At the moment I am consumed by it all. Any tips on blocking thought before sleeping and on waking? I'd like a bit if peace when I go to sleep X

Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 08:18

newtonml64 · 12/01/2018 09:03

Wintersnow17 what I’ve found helps is keeping a diary and writing all your thoughts down. Keep it st the side of your bed or use the notes section in your phone. I have even written stbxh letters telling him how I feel and what his actions have done to be and the kids but I don’t send them it’s just to get it out of my head. If you do write your thoughts down one tip a friend gave me was don’t look back at them. And she was so right as if you do it rakes all those feelings up again that you have managed to contain. You will still wake up thinking of him and her but it eases it. Hope that helps you. Take care

Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 20:39

Thanks newtonl64m I have written thoughts, but not before bed. I'll try that. You know how it is , emotions up and down and some days/ nights really bad. You think you're over the worst then it's all back worse than before. Ok today Nott too bad. Hope everyone is ok X

Amaz24 · 12/01/2018 20:54

I'm having a really shit day and have since seeing solicitor Wednesday. As I knew he's entitled to half of everything. Been in first house 1 1/2 years. Deposit was mine from nans death.
So tried to speak to ex today and he wants half the house and half the deposit. Thought he'd have a conscience as it was mine!!!! Understand wanting what house has made.

He doesn't want my pension so that's something.

Haven't stopped crying since.

He's had an affair and he will be better if and i will be worse. How does that work. I've got to sell the house and now decide if I uproot and move towards family!!!
😪😪😪😭😭😭😭😭😭

Wintersnow17 · 12/01/2018 23:24

Amaz24 I feel your pain. So unfair. They do the dirty then you're the one having to rethink your whole life and think of somewhere new to live. They have chosen their path. You had no choice and you're having to fund him. So crap. Sending sympathy X X

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 09:37

I still haven't stopped crying thought I'd run out of tears. As soon as I woke up it just hit me!

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2018 09:54

Amaz I’m in a similar situation - will have to sell the family home and split the money, can’t afford another house here, just very small flat, he will get half my pension. I’ve supported him for the last 7 years whilst he followed his ‘dream’.

It is really awful and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Just have to believe you will get through it and come out the other side. And somehow try not to let bitterness overtake our lives.

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 10:35

It's just so unfair. This is his fault and yet it feels like it's me being punished! Hate this is what 15 years has come to!!!
It was my nans money and thought he would have more respect!

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 10:54

@Ilovecrumpets do your children know your selling and have to move? How far away have you got to move? How did they take it????

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 10:55

@Ilovecrumpets at least I suppose he says at the min he doesn't want my pension. I'm going to make sure I have that legally!

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 10:57

I'm dreading telling our 6yo. He's already had his world shattered. No matter taking him away from everything he knows. I have no family here. I do have friends who are being so good. If I moved I'd have family but fewer friends. I could afford to rent a flat here and maybe eventually buy a flat but I'm an area I dont want. The areas weren't any good when we were looking as a family why should they be any good now?

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 10:58

Also if I moved he would only see his dad every other weekend as we would be 120 miles away. Now he sees him during the week when not at work.
💔😪

newtonml64 · 13/01/2018 11:06

I’m in the same position he can get half of everything including my pension which means the bh will also benefit from the settlement. I have worked hard all my life including when the kids were youngerand always had a retirement plan for the future. The bh comes along who only works 2 days a week at minimum wage and she’ll end up living mortgage free with my stbxh cos I know he will be generous towards her. It makes me so angry... I will need to get a mortgage to afford somewhere else, my pension is worth so much more than his, it is unfair. I’ve been thinking a lot about it over the past few days and I am going to try and play on his guilty conscious (if he has one!) and suggest we keep our own pensions and ask for 60% if the house. I’m going to base it on our son needing to live with me and the fact that this has been imposed on me by him. I’m not strong enough to do it yet but hopefully soon.

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 14:03

No I do t feel strong enough for anything, hope it will come xx
Thank you everyone for the support. I have a long road ahead, just everything is so uncertain and I hate it

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2018 15:49

Hi Amaz - no they don’t know yet. I honestly don’t know what I will do atm. It would be much better for me to move back to where I am from - would have support, could afford a house - but I can’t do that if it means the kids don’t see my ex. I know they need him in their lives as often as possible.

At the moment I figure it will all take at least 6 months to a year. Several people have told me just to sit tight as it is better for me the longer it takes. Seems counterintuitive but that’s what I’m trying!

Ilovecrumpets · 13/01/2018 16:05

Amaz - our situations sound very similar - move back and have family but less friends but can afford housing. Stay and can rent, maybe buy small flat ( I would need at least a bedroom my 2 can share). Moving away would be moving far away and as with you would mean kids only seeing husband at weekend, whereas now see in the week. And I do think it is better for them to see him as much as possible ( not for me obviously!). It feels such an impossible situation. Someone suggested stay here for a couple of years and then move back. Maybe that would be better but then the kids would be older and I think the older the more difficult change gets. I just don’t know.

Amaz24 · 13/01/2018 16:21

Yes our situations sound very similar!! I think the older they get the harder it would be

Amaz24 · 14/01/2018 13:02

OH tells me he's been on a couple of dates!!!! With the person he is renting a room from!!!
Heartache again. Feel sick.
Am I just going to keep getting news that kills me 😪

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