Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Good luck with the interview Over - I know you were discouraged last time, but really in the grand scheme of things you haven't had that many knock backs and I think you should have as good a chance as most people. I presume it's part time.

I know you don't want or intend to turn the kids against their dad but what I meant was that if he carries on as he is he will be doing that for himself. They must feel it.

I envy you that you are young enough and fit enough to relish a physical job - I wish I was both. My back is really painful after only an afternoon's (non-physical) work.

Unfortunately (for me, in a sense) it's a full time job that will include weekends. I didn't want to have to do that but ... we'll see. It's a rota basis so that might rule me out any way if they want past 5pm during the week. The website it's being advertised on doesn't have much detail as to hours so I'll find out.

Sorry to hear about your back, health is really something you can't control if your body decides enough is enough.

Well all you can do is go along and see - if it is a big chain you might get a chance of better things in a year or two, you never know. As for my back, I know it's nothing serious - tbh I think it is to do with poor posture all my life, but that doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't hurt all the time, just when I do certain stuff, and it goes away if I rest.

Well, that wasn't as positive as I'd hoped! If I was still in a marriage then it might be a good job to take but at this moment in time it's a gamble.

Firstly, I arrived 5 mins early. I told a man behind reception why I was there and he said take a seat as she must be doing interviews. Fine, all ok there. 20 mins later..... still waiting, after seeing the lady she was interviewing leave 15 mins ago. I asked at reception again, a lady said we'll try to find her. Little did I know that the lady in a smart blue dress cleaning tables and hoovering in the breakfast area next to reception for 20 mins was my interview lady.

Well, after 5 mins sitting down at a little table, asking 2 questions and her telling me the minimal that I obviously needed to know I said I'd think about it and left! Don't get me wrong they were nice enough, but surely if the interviewer can't be arsed to make a note of your time and to check if you're there why should working there be a good idea?! I mean, she looked at me several times while wandering around.... could have just asked once if I was waiting for someone/something?!! Plus I expected ... IDK, more? Like maybe paperwork to look at or a mini tour or something..... But nope, nothing.

Anyway, long story short, I could do part time at 3 days a week or full time at 5 days a week, which would always include a Sunday, but if I needed a Sunday off and told her in good time (2-3weeks early) then if it was possible I could take the day off.
Trouble is, a major problem for me, it would be a zero hour contract. No guarantee for a mortgage after googling around, not impossible, but more difficult. I did say I'd think about it and get back to her if interested. Not sure what to do really. I'm still looking around so will see what comes up.

Hmm - sounds rather a disorganised interview /interviewer!

Would you have to give up your other job in order to do this one?

Haha! It was! No structure or anything.

No I could keep the other job which works, but the 0 hour contract bothers me. I need it to count towards a mortgage. Plus it would screw up the tax credits, as she wasn't sure how many hours a week I'd get - maybe 25, maybe 30.... Start at 9am but could finish 1pm, 2pm or even 3pm. Not much help there!

I will take a few days to think.

Yes, I agree that the 0 hours contract is worrying, especially if it won't count towards the mortgage. Would it give you a reasonable amount of extra money that you could put away?

The money is a yes and no situation. I'd obviously be down on tax credits (which doesn't worry me) but they are such a pain i know I have to pay them back some now any way so can't imagine how this would screw it up! Then there's the tax implication.

Any extra money while still claiming tax credits would also give STBX more ammunition. The tax credits are doing that for him now.
Idk. I've got a few jobs lined up in my tabs to apply for tomorrow. I'm now applying for anything, full time, part time! Whether I think I am qualified or not (within reason obviously! No applying for a teaching job or anything!). If I get another job I want a contract and decent pay so I can sort out a mortgage. That's my motivation. I've read that a 0 hour contract could get a mortgage but you'd need to be somewhere at least 18 months. I don't have that long! STBX wants things sorted asap.

Things do get complicated with this divorce crap don't they!

God yes - very complicated!

Don't let him push you and rush you though.

Sis has noticed on Fb that STBX has made (some) posts public again (but not his Friends list).

2 pics of DD cutting her cake as his mums house this weekend. But notably 2 cover pics - one of Dover cliffs (I always suggested going there.... never happened, always answered 'why?') and a new one of him smiling happily sitting on the grass. (new t shirt and obviously new jeans as the old ones are way too big now). Wonder who took that huh? Kinda have a gut feeling he's got a GF. Not sure why, just a feeling. His previous profile pic was a stern looking head shot of him from work. Now it's a smiling one. Trying to prove something?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if there were someone else - if there is, it's such a cliché isn't it?

Could this be yet another reason why he wants to rush you? Don't let him.

Haha! Oh yeah, a total cliché if my gut feeling is correct. And predicted tbh.

Oh I won't let him rush me. I can't, as until I have a good (day) job with enough money to take over the mortgage nothing can happen. I know he isn't bothered about me, but surely he won't want his DD to live somewhere really not suitable?!

Did make me laugh at the weekend though, they came back from his parents and as well as DD's birthday it's the dogs birthday. His mum gave the dog a card and some food pressies. At least they still care about the dog!

Maybe they could take over his care then - if you get more hours. You could say it isn't fair to leave him so long.

Just a thought

It would be possible if they lived closer, but FIL stopped driving last yr - public transport where they live is dire. They even stopped visiting us so much as FIL's driving was so bad!

Interview #2 for a room attendant booked for Fri. Different hotel chain and slightly closer than the 1st one! This lady also sounded 'together' compared to the last one. We shall see. I just hope it's not a zero hour contract.... although if I like it I might take it regardless and just see what happens. Money is money. And experience is experience. The trip advisor reviews are good too. It's next to the the local garden centre so I know it well.

I've applied for a few more this morning and, not hopeful, but I really like one so will be disappointed but not surprised if I don't get a call back. I'm thinking they'd prefer a man for the job....

What's a room attendant Over?

It's a Cleaner to you and me! Fancy name for a cleaner.

Feeling very low today. Whatever scenario I go through in my head and on paper, I can't make what I want to happen work. Even another job during the day won't make enough to cover a mortgage. Also given the uncertainty with my evening job I'm just on edge.

I'm also just annoyed. Plain and simple. My life isn't overly busy I know, but it's the little things. STBX is doing what he wants when he wants this weekend and I don't have that option. He can bugger off to France for the weekend should he want to, I can't. My life will always require planning for the dog and the kids. I'm getting very resentful of that. I shouldn't be but I am.
I just feel shit.
What's the point.

You won't be having to plan for the kids for that much longer (although if they live with you, it is always on your mind) it is the dog really. I think you need to think very carefully about the dog - discuss it with DS and DD.

Going slowly on the divorce proceedings is your best way forward, but at some point it needs to be said in writing that whatever he is proposing "will not work for you". That you cannot buy a property on the shareout he is suggesting and it will end up that after all your years of housekeeping and childcare to support HIM, you will be living in much reduced circumstances compared with him. These things will have to be spelled out to him by your solicitor - when the right time comes.

I feel for you Over - it's shit. He is utterly selfish and I just hope he gets some sort of comeuppance.

I also realised yesterday that, while either of the kids still live with me and he sees them, he'll always know exactly where I live and what car I drive etc.... Whereas I'll never know where he lives (as the chances of me needing to go there are zero I reckon). I won't be rid of him for a long time, if ever! That's depressing.

I'm a predictable person, I like routines and rarely break them although I do need to be more spontaneous as things go on, I need change. He knows this. Whereas now I don't know who he is let alone what he's doing.

I need to look into decent doggy care for the dog so I can have more of my life back and go away when I want, it's doable but it will take me effort as it's not my forte. I shy away from organising things unless I have to or I'm feeling in a good mood that day. (not that I'll be jet-setting! My finances won't allow that! But a day out here and there if I get the urge would be nice....) Although if I have to move into a flat, as I've said, that would not be fair on the dog and that will be crunch time. Hopefully DD will understand it. (DS would be fine, while he likes the dog and helps when here, he's not overly attached I think).

I don't want STBX to get some sort of comeuppance exactly, he's not a bad person, I just want him to think further than his situation and clearing the damn debts. At the moment it's not like that. He sees it as a simple thing and as we all know it's definitely not!

I need more time to sort out more employment as well. As I have no career and no idea what to do with my life long term it's proving tricky. I'm not a forceful person so this is all proving difficult for me to work through. For example, I know I should ring the solicitor again but I don't want to bother her! That's stupid as she's working for me but I don't like to make a fuss, which could cost me I know, and I need to stop thinking that way. (plus talking on the phone still gives me anxiety! I work myself up to these things and go for it. I phoned the SOL the other day and was relieved it was only her answer phone message!)

Going to see Dad with DD today in his new house. He moved Friday. Once I find it! Sat Nav maps are out of date (on my to-do list!) so it will be hit and miss... I've found the road next to it I reckon!

I found it easier to email my solicitor - I could plan it all then and have several rough drafts. Just a thought.

Have a great time visiting your Dad today. I get anxious about driving places I don't know the way to as well (had to do it yesterday to a wedding).

I've emailed her (from a new email addy - well, it's new to her, old to me!) a couple of times asking a couple of questions but haven't received any replies. That's why I rang her, I was going to ask if she'd got my emails, but she had her answer machine so I left a message saying I had a new email and I was checking. Still nothing..... Will have to phone again I reckon. I hate that!

I know most of the way to his new place but it has a weird one way system that could have screwed me up! Luckily the Sat Nav and common sense helped! He's still sitting surrounded by boxes but seems content enough.

Yep, I hate driving places I don't know. But I realise that to get any where I want to go I have to do it myself now, can't rely on anyone else. I used to drive to racing circuits before I got married (and without Sat Navs!!) just after passing my test, so I know I can do it. Confidence.

Well done on the driving - he is probably so relieved to have the actual move over that he doesn't care about the boxes which he can unpack at his leisure.

Re the solicitor, just speak to the receptionist. Tell her you have emailed and give her your email address and explain that it is new. Also say something like you thought you would email as the last couple of times you have rung the solicitor has been busy/out/whatever. Just leaving a message is easier than actually having the conversation I think. Also with emails you can go back and check stuff and you have a written record.

Oh yeah, emails are the way forward! I love them. If they get acknowledged that is!

Yeah, he can relax now, although he still has questions about things but he has time. No rush there.