Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Hope it didn't sound too rude referring to him as a waste of space! Apologies if it did.

What I really meant was that he took on all these responsibilities (mostly the dc of course, but also the dog) and now seems to have walked away leaving you to deal with everything on your own.

I would be giving him a really hard time about stepping up a bit more, but you are probably a much nicer person than me!

You could suggest that when the house IS sold (however far into the future that might be) that he takes the dog on himself. Remind him that the dog was his idea and say that by then you will be working full time too, so in the same situation as him except that he is more likely to have more space. What if you move into a flat?

Oh no, no, Naicehamshop, not a problem. I've probably painted him in a worse light than I probably should. He just deals with things differently. Which for me is the wrong way! No idea how he feels about all of this at this point, I still assume he's having fun and enjoying it.

That is my bitterness at the moment, he just walks off leaving everything up to me and just looks after himself.

kaitlinktm - I've thought about that but his only answer so far has been to take the dog back to the breeder if neither of us can look after him. That is MY ultimate last last resort but it would be STBX's 1st one. So I won't be even mentioning that to him!

Yes, that is my worst nightmare at the moment, if it was just me (and the kids) a flat would be fine, but the dog loves outside and the garden. I couldn't do that to him, so unfortunately he would have to go back to the breeder, who I know would find him a loving home. My feelings on that are up and down, depending on my mood.

I also found out today my neighbour has the same shoulder issue as me! Weird. He's had opinions from consultants and is having physio etc... Stressed to me it was important to sort it out as it's made a world of difference to him.
My problem is my docs are pretty useless. Not sure whether I can be bothered just to be told it's nothing. DD has bad eczema and she just gets brushed off with creams etc... that don't really work. We've suggested things we've found on the net that could maybe pin point any allergies to food but they brush us off. (we know a couple of non-food allergies but would like to know if anything else triggers it).

Oh I see Over - well, if it does come back to the dog going back to the breeder I think he should be the one to take it. But of course I hope it doesn't come to that of course.

Yeah, I'll make sure the kids know (specially DD) it's his decision IF the dog does have to go back. He doesn't even want to discuss the dog. He's washed his hands of that one. But that would be the saddest day ever and not one I like to think about. I have trouble coping with the dog sometimes (not him as such, just me being weak) but at the end of the day it would be terrible saying goodbye.

He at first said I could have all the equity in the house so I could sort out a decent place for me and the kids (and he could get this over with quickly) but then he went back on that - to him having about '£10k' for a deposit, now he wants what he can have as no judge would let him walk away with nothing (even though he's got his decent salary and good job). So I don't trust him one bit!

Just booked the tickets online for Chessington for Tuesday. I don't really care if the weather is crap, we'll try to have a bit of fun. DD is quite excited which is a surprise. Mainly as she hasn't been one for rollercoasters etc... but this time she's been looking through the App and seems to be including a lot of things I didn't think she'd go on!

DS and his BF come home for a few days tomorrow.

I have the week off from work but still have to go in tomorrow for a few hours of training. Not ideal as the point of booking time off is to not go to work! The boss said he'd put it down as O/T. Hope he does. I've had 2 previous hol (days) booked and so far only one has gone as planned! My last day off actually got changed to my rostered day off. So instead of 2 days I only got one day off that week. Hopefully the next few will go as planned! I know I'm not working a lot compared to everyone else, but if you book a hol you should be able to take it! Otherwise there's no point!

My next week off is in July. I will try to start looking after that (seriously) with a view to finding another part time job. I'm not against a full time one (which cash wise would obviously be better) but I have to sort out what happens to the dog and I have no clue where to start, does depend on where the job is as well, as I'd prefer to drop the dog off somewhere for the day rather than a dog walker. He likes company and loves being outside not to mention he loves other doggie companions so day care would hopefully be the better option.

Waiting until July also means I might know what's happening with my current hours, whether they're being upped or not.

When DS is here I have to sort out the Harry Potter tickets as well. He wants to come with us so I'll pin point a couple of dates then check who can dog-sit for us. We've wanted to go to the HP Tour for a while and tbh I know it's expensive but it'll be a nice morning out and you only live once. We're aiming for August for that. They both get their exams results as well, so it will be nice not to think about that!

Emails haven't worked for nearly a week and STBX has said he's worked out a way to get rid of the server. It's complicated so he'll ring DS tomorrow night when he's here and they can work through that together. DS takes after his dad where computers are concerned. Hopefully it'll be sorted once and for all.

Well, successful day out. The traffic was as expected. Crap. The weather was a mix of good and bad, better than expected to be honest. DD and DS loved the Vampire (4 times!).
Pizza for dinner, delivery obviously. Money taken from joint account. I got DS to text STBX to tell him, it had already been mentioned earlier that I'd take money for dinner. So I did.

Emails still not working. Really I should have put my bloody foot down with STBX and made him come over at the weekend to sort it. But I guess that would be too much help. He knew this would bloody happen.

STBX is sorting out a date for the motorbike collection. He'll pick up his gear when he brings DS's bike over in a couple of weekends.

I noticed while getting my backpack down from the loft yesterday - another thing I did on my own!, well help with the ladder but... yeah - that we have mice up there. The droppings are the same as the ones I googled. And tbh I think I've heard them up there, but there are birds nesting so I always thought it was them on the roof.

Anyway, i text STBX that maybe we should go through the loft stuff (packed up there), separate it, repack it while throwing some stuff away (old duvets etc...) and then restore it. Also we could try to tackle the mice problem. Got a text back saying he doesn't know what's his up there, he has no storage space and why do I feel the need to do it 'so soon'?? Plus how do I know there are mice.

Um, I know he has stuff up there (not a lot, granted), and we'll find that out when we sort it/restore it. 'so soon' - my response was slightly rude and sarcastic - separating, moving out and divorce is 'fine done quickly by you' but my idea is 'so soon'????? And I know we have mice as the droppings are there and I think I've heard them! Geez. Why is it so difficult?!?!?

Another thing that has bothered me is DS and his BF. I purposely made up both DS's single bed (up top) and the double bunk (underneath). Surely that's a clue I want both used? Obviously not.
Can't be arsed to say anything as I don't want to cause an argument.

I'm not a fan of people staying in my house and I do try to make them as comfortable as possible (whether that comes across I don't know I know how to act after a lot of practise) but I won't be unhappy when they leave! That sounds awful but it's true.

He's 19 though Over and you don't want to alienate him - don't sweat the small stuff, honestly.

I know what you mean about people staying though - it's OK when it's your own kids but even one extra person adds a whole different dynamic. My nephew stayed over Christmas - he is a really nice lad and an easy guest, but I was still relieved when he had gone home.

One of my adult sons still lives with me - he is renovating a house for himself - and I can't wait for him to move. It's mostly all the 30+ years of his stuff I want rid of, but you know, after all these years of thinking of other people, it would be nice to just be on my own for some of the time. His house is nearby but he sometimes talks of renting it out and going abroad for a while (his dad is abroad). Obviously I can't do anything about that, but whilst I don't want him to go so far away, a litttle way away would be nice.

Oh yeah I know, I won't mention it. They're still in bed now.....nearly 11am. But surely you should observe their rules in someone elses house? Both beds were made indicating you'd like them to use them! What they do in their own places is fine. (and I knew they stay with each other, that's not the issue here).

Different people have different routines don't they? There are things I like done a certain way (although I think some are just normal everyday stuff, like making your bed and putting your towel back in the bathroom...) and I bite my tongue when a guest is here. Plus after a shower I like to walk around naked! Not ideal with a guest around!

I've never lived on my own. Part of me wants to and part of me knows that if/when I do I won't actually speak to anyone for days apart from when I'm at work. Could be detrimental to my life. But I want to try it. Do what I want when I want without consulting any one else.

I've never been to a hotel on my own either. I've stayed in a different room but never been completely on my own for a trip. I want to try that as well. Even just a theme park trip would be exciting for me, staying in the on-site hotel, I love that. STBX had to stay away from home occasionally and I could never understand why he wasn't excited at that prospect. He hated it. (well he did at the beginning, not sure about the end!).

Hope you enjoy yourself when your son moves out kaitlinktm - wherever that may be!

Apparently, re: the mice in the loft, i have to get a quote to sort it and then we put it on the credit card if too much. Firstly, why me?? He knows I struggle with that kind of thing so is hoping I won't do it. Secondly, we'd need to clear the loft for someone to go up there and sort it out, thirdly, on the bleedin' credit card? So again, he does nothing regarding the situation.

I'm just. I'm done. My energy is gone.

We had the same with mice in the loft and contacted the district council - they sent out the pest control guy. I've got a feeling it was free but that was years ago so more than likely there will be a charge now, but hopefully not expensive.

I remember being really busy and stressed at the time, and feeling that the sodding mice were just the final straw, but actually it was pretty straightforward to sort out. Good luck with it!

Ah right, I may try them then. Trouble is our loft is PACKED with stuff. Not sure if being that full would be OK. I will maybe try to get stuff down and sort it anyway tbh. Whether STBX wants to or not. We have a lot of crap as well as good stuff up there and it will be nice to feel to be doing something.

STBX is trying to sort the email. One (of 2) works but the other doesn't. I did kind of breakdown (crying in full force) in front of the kids while washing up last night, don't normally do that. I had just felt down all day and it came to a standstill suddenly while talking about emails! I asked DS to text his dad to ask about it, as even DS wasn't sure what to change in the email programme to make it work.

You've had a massive amount of stress over the last few months so I'm not surprised to hear about the crying. Stay strong- you are doing brilliantly.

I've checked out the council website for the pest control stuff and it's a £50 charge (or £25 call out charge without treatment). They don't make it clear whether the £50 covers all the treatment - of they also conclude we have mice - so I'll have to ring and ask some questions to clarify things (like does the loft have to be empty!). I'll give them a call next week some time.

I have times when I just feel like things are closing in on me. I don't panic or anything as such but I just feel like I want to scream or just crawl under a rock. I also feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I read stories here and I'm by far a lot better off, even if it doesn't feel like it. I also know I need to deal with my issues (depression etc..) but I won' take AD's and talking isn't my thing, so I kinda feel like I have to live with it and the consequences. It just feels very claustrophobic sometimes (not sure if that explains it). Like things are out of my control and closing in.

DD isn't sure about going to Uni - or taking the course she 1st wanted to do, but change it to another one - so that's another thing that's uncertain. She got tearful last night after I did as we talked about the Uni stuff. IMO that's more important than the divorce stuff right now as we have to get it right if she wants to do a certain course. And we've got a lot of information to check out.

STBX did text and apologise about the email stuff and to try it again as he'd changed some things. It's still not completely fixed tbh. I might just give up on it. In the long run it's probably better to just use yahoo and gmail ones.

Another weekend done. The boss has upped my hours, only to 21 though, rather than the 28 we discussed. Mainly as 2 others wanted some more hours and plus the boss wanted another person employed. There might still be overtime. We shall see what happens in the future. This is the thing that is stressing me out most right now. Not going to lie.

The motorbike was finally picked up yesterday. I had to text STBX on Monday to get a definite answer though. This is what I won't miss. He should have texted ME, not the bloody other way round. As usual. If I want to know something I have to ASK HIM. But to him that was me being over bearing. I can't be the only one who texted their OH at work during the day? (although as things went on I did get more paranoid, me thinks he protests too much always came to mind. Again, my issues at work there).
It's weird though, as much as i wanted him to take it (and fix it so it could be used), it was a big reminder he lived here and might come back..... yes I know, stupid, but now it's gone it's... strange.

Fathers day this weekend. I'd asked my Dad down on Sunday (Sis is on hol until Monday) and we're going out for lunch.

I'd told DD she could organise with her dad what she wanted - and I think STBX wanted Sunday but DD has made plans Saturday with him. Well, both of us really. He's dropping DS's bike off, going out with her for 'lunch' (I use the term loosely, as it won't be lunch as I know it....) and then coming back here to sort out the email for me. That will be slightly strange. Hopefully he won't arrive early (as usual) as DD and I are having haircuts (and my hair dyed for the first time in 7 months!). DD has made it clear when he can arrive!

I've made a provisional decision about the dog this morning. DD won't like it but if it has to happen I hope she understands it. The dog will only go back to the breeder if a) I really can't afford to keep him - food, vets, insurance etc... - and/or b) we move into a flat that isn't ground floor. He needs good care and if I can't afford it then ignoring it won't be good for any of us. He also likes to be outside when he wants as he loves it and being stuck in a flat won't make him happy (or me but I can't do anything about it). It would be better for him. I know dogs do live in flats and if he was a small breed that would be fine but he's not (bordering on large). As he gets older, trying to go down/up stairs won't be ideal just to go for a wee! And I can't carry him! Time will tell on that and will be discussed with the breeder if needed so she/they are in the loop.

I hope you enjoy seeing your dad; sounds like that'll be a lovely way to spend Sunday.

I know it's difficult, but maybe it would be best not to worry too much about what's going to happen to the dog. Hopefully you will be in your current house for a while longer yet. ( If I was you, I'd be so tempted to take the dog round to your stbx's flat and leave him there! I know it wouldn't be fair on your lovely dog, but still... Another problem stbx has just left for you to deal with...! )

STBX came over to see DD, take her out for her (sort of) meal and then came back here for a few things. Dropped DS's bike off, pick up some tools to fix his motorbike and also came in to sort out the email. It turned out to be very simple. The dog was all over him, bless.

STBX has lost a lot of weight, hasn't been this thin since before we got married. (probably lost nearly 2 stone I'd stay, the big belly and double chin have gone, no arse to speak of any more. New skinny jeans). Mixture of his new lifestyle and food budget I guess. He seems happy with his decision and doesn't appear to have any regrets. Wish I could move on that quick. It wasn't all bad and wasn't my decision so I'm still having trouble.

He emailed Friday to ask about taking the video tapes and the camcorder so he could look through. Haven't used the camera for yrs and the tapes just sit in a drawer. Trouble is when he asks about things I do get suspicious about why he wants them. Specially as when he was here we never even looked at them! He wants to see if there's any thing to transfer to DVD - or even if the camera/tapes still work. So he took those back with him as well.

Another weekend.

Collected DS and all his stuff yesterday. Also did the open day for his Uni to see the difference between the one we saw a little while ago. DD was very taken with it. 8 hr return trip and have to say while long, the traffic was perfect. The car was so packed full and we couldn't even fit a bucket that was left, so we had to say goodbye to it there! DS will spend a week here then go back to spend pretty much all the hols up there with his BF and his family, then come back for a week before Uni starts to pack up.
While I know it's how things will be I still feel weird. I don't mind him not being here as he'd be bored but it feels like a hotel! Don't even get me started on the state of his bathroom that I had to clean! Oh boy. And his BF does swear he's seen DS clean it.... Although the kitchen, oh. Even DS's BF said HE had to clean it once in the past.

I did spend more than anticipated yesterday and had planned to go out today and needed cash. I was going to transfer money from my savings to cover the rest of the week but online banking is down for maintenance! So I had to bite the bullet and tell STBX I was taking money but I'd pay if back later when online banking is back. Bad planning on my part.

STBX sent me an email saying that the 3 month review of finances from the joint account was happening. He wants me to pay for a few more things and transfer money in (about £100's worth) as he has calculated (online) that I seem to have more spare income left at the end of the month. I don't mind paying more of what he's asking, it's the way he's going about this that's my issue. He saw me last weekend, could have actually talked to me.

He also said he had to work out, from minimum wage and online calculator for credits, what he thinks I'm getting so he could fill in the financial statement and send it off. He had asked me a few weeks ago for the details, and I replied, twice, that I keep changing things (hours etc..) and that keeps changing the credits amount, so when he's filled the statement in if he could ask me then I'll tell him what I know at that point. Did he? Oh no. He has 'guessed' the amounts. How helpful is that? I have the emails explaining I'll tell him later so I have proof we had that conversation.

He did reply to my solicitor who asked for payslips etc... so he at least did that. I still don't know those details.

I am disappointed STBX couldn't come to the open day yesterday, it was very informative (more so than the other local one) and DD seemed to be more open to it. I did mention to DS that DD asked her dad to come and he obviously didn't want to, to which DS replied that while we're still married - at least - he still has responsibilities and should be told to come! I did point out that I am trying not to control the situation in that sense but DS did say the adults are acting like big kids! Which I guess he's right. Eggshells is more the point I think. I can't say what I really think and neither can STBX I suspect.

Hmm - your ds makes an interesting point about your stbx. I'm inclined to agree that he should be making more effort to take an interest in what is happening in the dcs lives. I do understand that it's difficult for you to insist on this though... disappointing that he doesn't see this for himself without having to be "told"!

Yeah, sadly DS is right but if STBX can't see it what can you do. That's part of the reason I mentioned it to DD and she asked her Dad, so it came from her not me. Sadly he still didn't want to do it. All he had to do was collect DS's bike 2 weeks later than he'd planned and he could have supported DD as well. But nope, obviously had more important things to do.

I mentioned the income thing (financial statement) over on the Divorce thread and they're right, at no point on Form E (or D8 he's also filling out) does it ask for MY income. It's all about him. So why did he want to know? I don't mind giving the figures but will only do it via official channels like his solicitor. Glad I didn't give him the figures now. If he wants to know he can do it the right way like I had to. There was no way he'd give me HIS income details flat out. That's why my SOL wrote to get them.

After looking at Form E and seeing the questions, I did work out that combined, his bike and car are worth about £3k (the bike might be worth slightly more than my estimate). Whereas my car is worth £300 if that. (it's 18 yrs old and a Cat D). Big difference there - to me - , specially as originally the Bike money was supposed to go on a new (used) car to replace mine. Forever pissed about that! (and we spend more on it that I wanted to....)

Glad I didn't give him the figures now. If he wants to know he can do it the right way like I had to. There was no way he'd give me HIS income details flat out. That's why my SOL wrote to get them.

The cheeky sweep - demanding details of your income and withholding his. If he does this sort of thing again, I would say - well you tell me yours then?

Did you mention to your solicitor that this bike was bought against your wishes instead of a replacement for your very old car and that more was spent than was originally agreed for either.

He is utterly selfish and I am afraid I think that not only are you better off without him but your DC are too. Your DS certainly has his measure and it won't belong before your DD does too. He will reap what he has sown.

Selfish git!

Well since STBX sent the email last week I've changed over 3 of the accounts to my name and bank details online. The others I can't do without hassle and/or incurring a fee so will wait until I know for definite what is happening.

After emailing back and forth with Dad and Sis (and input from BIL) I sent STBX an email outlining that all financial talk had to be done through solicitors to keep it above board. Sis pointed out that STBX had said he replied to my SOL with his details so would like me to do the same..... well, yeah, if your SOL asks me I will! I also pointed out to him that I haven't got his income details from my SOL so don't know them.
What gets me though is at this stage neither form he's filling in need my details. He made it sound, in previous emails, like he needed the income for the forms. He also gave me the impression last month he had already filled them in! Guess not.

I want things all above board and won't give him more information than I need to at this stage.

Yep, I mentioned in my email to my SOL, while forwarding STBX's one, that I wanted it on record - as petty as it sounds - that the bike money was supposed to go on a replacement car for my one but we (yes, we) decided a bike was better for STBX's commute. Although I did give in on that as STBX kept moaning every night about the traffic. It was about relief!

I am going ahead with trying to clear the loft and sort stuff out including the bleedin' mice!. I went up yesterday to get a small suitcase down for DS to take back up north with him and got some other cases down to look through and the duvets to throw away! My god the duvets going made a small bit of space! But the cobwebs and mice droppings make it tough going.

I got some t-shirts out of one of the cases for STBX to look at and I made it specifically clear to both DS and DD that if he wants to put them back up that's fine. But he can at least look and decide what to keep and/or what to wear. I will need help though, it's so awkward to get up there and some of it is pretty heavy. I feel a loft party day coming on!!

I don't want to turn DS or DD against their dad. Far from it, they'll be all he'll have once his parents go (unless he contacts his aunts/uncles again). And I have my faults, which I know DS and DD are only too aware. But STBX has just disappeared with minimal contact it seems. Small talk on social media doesn't count to me. I understand I'm lucky he's paying the bills but it's more than that - emotionally. I was talking about the mice and getting stuff down etc.. yesterday and DS said was STBX told or asked about sorting it? As he's the type you need to tell to do things! LOL!

On a bright note I have an interview at a local (big chain) hotel on Tuesday. It's very close so any car troubles mean I can still get there by bike/walk/even bus. That's important to me. Only having one car now means I need to check other options for travelling to work. Plus I could still get back, even in a 1/2 hr break, to let the dog out to pee at least. It's a cleaning/room attendant job. I don't mind what I do as to me it's a job that pays bills not a career (although I will take pride in anything I do) and physical work motivates me.

Just hope the wording in their advert that not having previous experience is true and won't be a deal breaker as I really do need another job. I want to take over this mortgage and that will help in bucket-loads. And the past cleaning job I've been for chose the experienced cleaner over me, which I understand, but I can't get experience if you don't employ me!