OK am a lurker here, but have signed up to reply to this thread, as it's actually kind of concerning to me.
First off, in the last few pages the OP has made some seriously suicidal statements, which are now just being ignored & overlooked by the few regular posters who remain on this thread. It appears that most people have now dropped off this thread because it's become painfully obvious that the OP is in dire need of professional psychological help here. It's not normal to have such a joyless existence. I'm sorry to sound harsh OP but this is coming from a genuine place of care here - your reality is NOT normal. I understand the house sale falling through is a major disappointment - but still after quite some time separated your 1st instinct is to throw your hands up in the air & tell your ex he should handle it. YOU are in the house, so how would he organise inspections etc, it would involve so much more communication with him & make your life more messy. You need help to implement strategies so your 1st instincts are not always doom & gloom, seeing the disaster, the drama, the problem.
Honestly I have read your thread, every page & it jumps out at me that you're a bit of a martyr ? I know it's really hard when life throws us punches but if you scroll through every post you've made & count how many times you respond with "Problem with that is" & fob off everyone's advice to continue to isolate yourself is either an obvious descent into a spiral of deep, profound depression or some possible personality block that prevents you from seeking help ? What "side effects" are you so scared of that you would think ending your life is preferable ? Would you end your life over 5kg ? Because that is literally likely the worst side effect you must mean... weight gain is what people are most scared of. Is it that ? I'm just trying to understand why you have such a strong aversion to exploring medication when really at this point it's your only option as I see it.
You're too deep into depression spiral now (been there & can see the signs) & someone on this forum needs to speak with you in a real way - the people left here seem to just be sympathising with your updates & echoing what you're saying, because there's not much more that can be constructively said here.
There are plenty of other threads from countless women on here who have had relationships, worlds, families, lives, houses fall apart around them & have picked themselves up to see the positives in life well before now. The OP is clearly regressing & if you have read the whole threads it feels like it's getting worse. Is nobody else disturbed or concerned for OP ?
OP have you ever really felt positive about life ? Do you want to feel it, or do you feel this is your personality at your core ? While I believe truly miserable people at their core do exist, also some people just have had depressive tendencies their whole lives & haven't had the opportunity to seek help. I think this is you ! You just need to explain to a psych how you feel in a few sessions, am not a therapy talk it out type of person either - you will find a medication that brightens your whole life in a short time, probably the first one or two you try & then you won't have to see them again - you can just get your script filled out without having to explain anything ever again ! You have seriously suffered long enough. Please love, please just get it done - you were so stressed about the job thing & now look how far you've come & what you can do when your back is to the wall ! Go to the doctor & come back & update us on your progress, or I am going to message the admins because I care about you from Australia & want you to be OK.
XO