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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

915 replies

itsovernow1 · 08/05/2017 18:30

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

OP posts:
MrsPawsitive · 15/11/2018 01:57

Tha's just awful. I was so optimistic for you. Don't they have earnest money of some sort to prevent that kind of thing, or at least, deter people from backing out of offers easily? Well, doesn't matter, you're right, back to square one.

Maybe just as well if STBX has to step up and handle the sale. Are you okay with that? I hate to say it, but buying and/or selling a house is so much aggravation it boggles the mind. None of us would ever go through that unless we had to.

Almost a shame you don't have any vices as a glass of wine might be just the thing right now. Smile

prawnsword · 15/11/2018 11:39

OK am a lurker here, but have signed up to reply to this thread, as it's actually kind of concerning to me.

First off, in the last few pages the OP has made some seriously suicidal statements, which are now just being ignored & overlooked by the few regular posters who remain on this thread. It appears that most people have now dropped off this thread because it's become painfully obvious that the OP is in dire need of professional psychological help here. It's not normal to have such a joyless existence. I'm sorry to sound harsh OP but this is coming from a genuine place of care here - your reality is NOT normal. I understand the house sale falling through is a major disappointment - but still after quite some time separated your 1st instinct is to throw your hands up in the air & tell your ex he should handle it. YOU are in the house, so how would he organise inspections etc, it would involve so much more communication with him & make your life more messy. You need help to implement strategies so your 1st instincts are not always doom & gloom, seeing the disaster, the drama, the problem.

Honestly I have read your thread, every page & it jumps out at me that you're a bit of a martyr ? I know it's really hard when life throws us punches but if you scroll through every post you've made & count how many times you respond with "Problem with that is" & fob off everyone's advice to continue to isolate yourself is either an obvious descent into a spiral of deep, profound depression or some possible personality block that prevents you from seeking help ? What "side effects" are you so scared of that you would think ending your life is preferable ? Would you end your life over 5kg ? Because that is literally likely the worst side effect you must mean... weight gain is what people are most scared of. Is it that ? I'm just trying to understand why you have such a strong aversion to exploring medication when really at this point it's your only option as I see it.

You're too deep into depression spiral now (been there & can see the signs) & someone on this forum needs to speak with you in a real way - the people left here seem to just be sympathising with your updates & echoing what you're saying, because there's not much more that can be constructively said here.

There are plenty of other threads from countless women on here who have had relationships, worlds, families, lives, houses fall apart around them & have picked themselves up to see the positives in life well before now. The OP is clearly regressing & if you have read the whole threads it feels like it's getting worse. Is nobody else disturbed or concerned for OP ?

OP have you ever really felt positive about life ? Do you want to feel it, or do you feel this is your personality at your core ? While I believe truly miserable people at their core do exist, also some people just have had depressive tendencies their whole lives & haven't had the opportunity to seek help. I think this is you ! You just need to explain to a psych how you feel in a few sessions, am not a therapy talk it out type of person either - you will find a medication that brightens your whole life in a short time, probably the first one or two you try & then you won't have to see them again - you can just get your script filled out without having to explain anything ever again ! You have seriously suffered long enough. Please love, please just get it done - you were so stressed about the job thing & now look how far you've come & what you can do when your back is to the wall ! Go to the doctor & come back & update us on your progress, or I am going to message the admins because I care about you from Australia & want you to be OK.

XO

itsovernow1 · 15/11/2018 16:10

Your words are right. I was going to try to answer some of your points but there's no need.

No need to message the admin, I will see if I can close/delete this thread.

OP posts:
itsovernow1 · 15/11/2018 16:39

prawnsword - your words are correct and have struck a chord. 'Truth hurts' is the term I think. I am a martyr. I bring things on myself. I don't deal/handle things well. I should be on my own and will be soon enough. Thank you for your post. It's now time to delete the thread as I have posted too much and shouldn't have done. Thank you all for your advice/support.
I have contacted admin and they have agreed to remove the thread.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 15/11/2018 20:05

I will be sorry to see your thread go Over - I haven't posted for a bit because I was worried about what I should post in order not to make things worse or to make you feel worse. I don't know that I think it is best for you to have the thread deleted, but if MN have agreed ... well I don't know.

I did feel that the thread might have felt like a bit of a lifeline to you - but maybe I attach too much importance to it.

kaitlinktm · 15/11/2018 20:17

In any case I am sending all my positive thoughts your way - I am sure that in a few months time life will feel different and better for you. I hope you can come back here and let us know.
Flowers

MrsPawsitive · 15/11/2018 20:17

"I should be on my own and will be soon enough."

No, you should not be on your own.

Precisely why some of us stayed here with you on this forum for the last couple of years, so you wouldn't feel alone, Over. No one here ever endorsed suicide. I doubt driving you off this forum will help you deal with your depression. I'm very sorry if this is what has happened. I don't believe yelling at you to get help is likely to work.

One point I'd like to make before you leave, if you do leave this forum. You recently said your daughter would have her stepmother. Her stepmother will never take your place. Stepmother may have children of her own someday. She will not be invested in your daughter's children in the same way you will be. Please keep in mind what an important role you play in your daughter's life, now and in the future.

itsovernow1 · 15/11/2018 21:31

I will miss posting. It's is somewhere to vent, where people don't know who I am.

I understand people care and that is a nice feeling. But it's only on the net, you don't know me personally and can only gauge me from this forum. I am far from wonderful and know it. That's an issue.

No yelling at me won't make me get help. Maybe when all this has died down and settled I will feel differently. Right now, this is my normal and that doesn't make it wrong, just different to someone else's 'normal'. Does feel like my opinion on my life doesn't matter though.
And in answer to your question, yes 5kg is enough to matter.

Anyway. I will ask admin to delete this in the morning. Thank you for all your kind words and thoughts. I have really appreciated them. I will come back next yr when things have settled to update. Flowers

OP posts:
MrsPawsitive · 15/11/2018 22:16

Over, I hope you decide to stay.
I've been so looking forward to the day you got truly free of STBX and got your own place. We do want to hear how you are doing. Flowers

Walkingdeadfangirl · 15/11/2018 22:19

I have read every post but never commented because I never had anything to say that would have helped. I was still am going through a similar trauma and didn't find a solution.

But I dont think you should delete this thread or stop posting, as you say its somewhere safe to talk about your feelings and vent, that must help a little. If you go you will just be pushed into further isolation, with no one to talk to or listen. That cant be good.

Sorry for what your going through. Hugs.

Nofilter · 16/11/2018 02:47

I think it was very brave for prawn to post that - it takes a tiny moment of courage to just bite the bullet and tell a doctor how you are feeling.

I know I'm not alone in hoping and praying that we hear back from you that you've turned a corner and realised you are worth it - you matter - living in daily pain of depression does not have to be the only way.

Good luck OP xxx

Nofilter · 16/11/2018 02:47

Suicide = Permanent solution to a temporary problem.

With love xx

prawnsword · 16/11/2018 05:24

Well I have just been contacted by the OP's furious sister, who apparently lurks this thread to get info & updates on her sister, because the OP fell out with her & this thread is the only way she has any insight into OP's feelings.

OP people do care about you. You think nobody does but your family is clearly worried about you. If you won't get help for yourself, maybe do it for your family ? Otherwise, there's nothing anybody else can do for you, so you may as well stop moaning about what you won't change.

claire4269 · 16/11/2018 08:07

As I said before Prawnsword - WELL DONE! We have not "fallen out" as you so put it and yes I have read all posts since this thread began - you may lurk like an amoeba - I don't.

Unlike you, I do actually love my sister, and have not threatened her with telling the administrators of the website, therefore forcing her to relent and shut this thread, closing her only outlet for her feelings. Yes I read her rant, but decided to just let it go, as she was in her bad place at that moment and so she would still have a way of venting - unlike you who comes crashing in from nowhere (or should I say the other side of the world!) There are lovely people she converses with on here who have been supportive and a constant throughout this stressful time in her life, and you have attempted to sabotage that. You have written on the pretence that you care, when really you have not considered the bigger picture of your actions at all. You have infuriated me beyond belief by the damage you are causing if she cannot have free speech on here. And yes as I just private messaged you the same no need to publicly repeat on here - my darling.....and as promised, I have reported you to mumsnet.

prawnsword · 16/11/2018 08:26

All I can say is have genuinely tried to help & felt had to step in as the OP’s suicidal threats were scary & concerning. It should not matter where you are in the world, this is a public forum & what if she had committed suicide & you thought it was just a mood & it would pass ? Am sorry to have upset & angered your family but also have to live with my conscience too you know. I thought threats of suicide should always be taken seriously ? So please when you lash out at me, try to consider that this is a public forum too.
I really think you need family therapy urgently. Hope something positive can come from this & you guys reach out to each other, because it sounds like you also have a lot of hurt, pain & grief to work through as well. You need to lean on each other, not away. You are sisters & both suffering, please talk to each other & have a real conversation.

claire4269 · 16/11/2018 12:55

Please do not lecture me on what I do and do not need. You mention your conscience but the fact it you don't or never will know my sister. I know damn well that suicidal thoughts are not just a mood. As an insulin diabetic, who drew up way too much and nearly injected, I am well aware of mental health issues, from my job and personally, so please do not patronise me with your comments.

The fact is you were being a bully by trying to force her into a corner with your "do something or else" attitude, under the disguise of being worried about someone you do not know. Public forum of not, attempting to cut off and disrupt someones' free speech is NOT ok with me! And as for "knowing" us as sisters - you don't - so don't even go there! We are there for each other, and I will protect her to the ends of this earth, and believe me we do and have had real conversations, so don't patronise on that front either. You don't know me so stop bloody well acting like you do. This conversation ends here!

kaitlinktm · 16/11/2018 15:34

Over - are you OK? Sad Flowers

MrsPawsitive · 16/11/2018 16:32

It is unwise to rush to judgment about someone else's family. Family ties are complex and what we see from the outside is a tiny fraction of what is really there.

If you as a reader feel called to intervene then let MN know your concerns. Upsetting the poster and her family is unlikely to help her.

MrsPawsitive · 16/11/2018 16:43

Sorry, Kaitlin, I hope that didn't look like that was addressed to you, just a general observation on my part to all of us here. I'm worried, just like you are. One thing is for sure, Over has people who care about her.

I looked back at earlier posts and I can see that Over has been encouraged to seek professional help here many times. I see the best chance of that happening if she can talk to family members IRL. I still hope that can happen.

But you never know, sometimes something breaks the ice and allows family to express deep-seated emotions that need to see daylight. Not sure but that's my best hope at this point..

kaitlinktm · 16/11/2018 16:51

Agreed Mrs P - I am just so upset that I feel Over has been driven off her own thread.

@itsovernow1 you can always PM me if you want an online chat. I am not an expert and don't have a lot of experience of these sorts of things (apart from divorce), but I can be a listening ear - or a reading eye.

MrsPawsitive · 16/11/2018 17:49

This should feel like a safe place and sadly now it feels like it isn't. Maybe PM is best. The people who care aren't going to stop caring, that's certain.

SomethingPhishy · 16/11/2018 22:46

I follow this thread, dont think I have posted before. I hope Over will be able to post again soon & send her my very best wishes.

Doidontimmm · 18/11/2018 17:37

I follow too but haven’t posted. Please come back over, people do care and I feel this helps you to vent your feelings.

MrsPawsitive · 18/11/2018 18:07

I changed my mind upon reflection. This is still a safe place for Over because of all the people who care and are here to listen. When you feel up to it, come back, Over. Or you can start a new thread as this one is close to filling up. We're thinking of you and want to continue to offer support.

Mary1935 · 21/11/2018 07:59

Over I was thinking how you are getting along. I’m sorry to read the recent posts. Please don’t let one poster stop you posting.
I hope you can find a way through whatever you decide to do.
Life can be really hard when we feel constantly knocked.
I’m sorry to hear your house sale fell through.
Prawnworld you really should not have disclosed the information the OPs sister told you - you are potentially damaging relationships.
Over 🌺🌺

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