Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

It's best if you can not to look too far ahead for problems. You have been given several different versions of your job future at this place so far and you haven't been there very long, so it still all could change. It's a good thing that at the moment they need you to do more hours than you feel you need to do - and now, when looking for other jobs, you are starting from the platform of already being employed - which is one up on the situation you were in when you found this one.

One day at a time at the moment.

True, true. I'm a planner and worrier - never the best combination!

I just don't want to get ahead planning a future including a mortgage if my job there isn't secure. Hopefully we'll find out for sure before I need to be too concerned with that!

Another week and still feeling... I don't know actually. Nothing excites me, food normally can help but nope, not feeling that either. If DD wasn't here I'd be living off ready meals. Feeling tired a lot too. Yesterday I didn't actually get up until 10am. Hadn't even worked the night before either.

Work has changed days again. The Tues delivery hasn't appeared so the boss has gone back to the last rota system. So a night off tonight. We're all still waiting on a decision about more hours. My boss has been told to wait a couple of weeks and put hours down as overtime if we do any. Not sure what's going on but we'll see.

Now I have the headache, along with DS, of his student finance. STBXH doesn't have to do a thing either! He got out of this one. I have 2 lots of forms to fill in and also have to prove that STBX and I are separated. The normal fee for a letter from the SOL is £100 +VAT, when I rang yesterday to ask, her secretary seemed to think that because I was already a client it would be cheaper. Got an email yesterday and it's £21.50 +VAT! Big difference and a big sigh of relief from me. I've asked to collect it when it's ready so I can see it with the forms (as I have to do it that way apparently.) I couldn't do the tax bill reduction as it's got a student discount on it not a single person one. Seems to be the norm for that one in this situation.

As I've said before, forms scare the crap out of me! Mainly as I'm worried all the time about putting the right information down. They don't look too bad, I mean the 2015-2016 form is zero income but the Reduced income form could be tricky, as I have to estimate my earnings for the next tax yr and obviously if I get more hours at work that screws it up! Things are never simple! Not to mention the fact that I don't understand why STBX doesn't have to confirm his 2015-21016 earnings as it would confirm my household income is going down. But after 3 phone calls (1 by me, 2 by DS) I assume they know what they're talking about!

I do have a peeve about call centres though. Why are they so noisy in the background and why can I never understand the person on the end of the phone? They always have such strong accents. (yesterdays one had a brummie accent that was so tricky to understand! and he talked fast!).

I spoke to DS over skype yesterday, to talk about student finance. He let slip that STBX had seen him and his BF the other week, which I knew anyway as DD had told me STBX was going up there for work and might pick up DS's bike. In the end he didn't pick it up as he had the work car and will go up again at some point to get it.

DS also let slip that STBX had been commenting about my Sis and her behaviour. Namely STBX had told DS that Sis had contacted STBX friend on FB (even though she tried to retract it but it didn't work). That to me is uncalled for and unnecessary. It's got nothing to do with DS or DD. I'd spoken to Sis and it's all sorted. I also apologised to STBX and explained things and I thought it was finished there too. Obviously not.

Seems STBX is trying to get brownie points, even if he doesn't see it that way. DS did tell me there are some things he doesn't agree with, the way STBX has gone about things, but didn't go into detail and I didn't ask. DS also has things he wants to say about other things but that's up to him. DS also mentioned he wants to know what's going on as he wants to be in the loop. Fine to a point, but I won't tell them everything.

I couldn't control my feelings and I sent a text to STBX stating I didn't like the way he'd gone about this and he shouldn't put DD or DS in the middle. It had nothing to do with them. Obviously he didn't reply or acknowledge the text. As usual.

Kinda pissed off. I applied for a domestic job that's not too far away, 4 hrs per day (M-F) and on the application I put I was on holiday at a certain time and wasn't available (as they asked). Well, this morning I got an email stating I'd passed the application process and could I follow the link to make an interview appointment. It's only during the week when I'm on holiday isn't it. That would be fine normally as we're not going away, but it's the day I've planned to go to Chessington.

Oh well, I won't be changing my plans, it's all arranged for that day, seems like they didn't actually read my application enough to notice which I find a little rude. Nice I got past the application process but why ask if there's a time I'm not available and then ignore it?! Surely that's the point of the question?

I know I need another job, I do, and I will keep looking.

Sunday. And STBX has just taken DD out for lunch. I've mentioned to him about taking the money out of the joint account for things like this so we'll see if he does it again.
I did notice, even though he didn't get out of the car, that he's wearing a new top. Stupid little thing but he never wore stripes before, and after 20 yrs you know what clothes people have! Never seen that top before, only noticed at it was white/blue-black stripes. Never seen him in that combo before. Ever.
Now I feel like shit. Weird isn't it. I didn't even see his face as he just reverses on the drive and DD goes out to him. He's like a stranger. So glad his emotions have disappeared and he couldn't care less. Just wish mine would go walk about so I didn't.

There is one thing that DD is going to mention today to him. DD and I are picking up DS in a few weeks from Uni for the summer. I'm using that opportunity for DD to see DS's Uni as it's an Open Day and she needs to compare the 1st Uni we went to, so this works well. If it casts doubts on the 1st Uni we saw then we can look around at more if she wants.
I suggested that DD asks her dad if he wants to come as well. He still needs to pick up DS's bike and needs to go up anyway. This way he could actually be involved with DD and her Uni decisions. We shall see what he says. I have a feeling he'll say no mainly as he won't want to spend any time with me. Which is a pathetic excuse really. We can't avoid each other forever. Which tbh I think is his thinking.

I know I shouldn't give a crap any more. I just have visions of him living the single life and enjoying it. Nothing wrong with that, as it was what he wanted, just wish I could.

And DD is back! LOL! 1 hr and 15 mins. They went to Costa. I don't think DD is bothered they only spend about an 1hr together but wow. They see each other roughly every 3 weeks. But he can't even take her for a proper meal.
Apparently he's going to get DS's bike in a couple of weeks. DS was supposed to tell us. He's also trying to arrange someone to collect his motorbike in a few weeks as well. They only collect the bike, not his gear so he'll have to speak to me then. No getting out of that!

No idea about the Uni open day, he's going to email me about everything apparently. But I'm betting it's no. He won't want to go up twice (8hr round trip). He didn't originally want to go and get DS's bike because of the cost. I guess he'll have to talk to his new bestie before deciding anything.

Just over an hour every three weeks - it says it all really.

I'm probably looking at it skewed, but would it not be possible for STBX and DD to go to DS's open day without you, or would you feel very left out? Speaking for myself it wouldn't bother me, but then I am a bit weird [sink]. It would mean he didn't have to see you (or you him) and you could have a peaceful couple of days. Just wondering.

Do you think his new friend has helped him pick out a new wardrobe? . Don't worry - your emotions will soon follow suit and you will look at him and wonder why you were so bothered. I was reading another thread on my watch list today where the person was told out of the blue last summer that her DH was leaving (children younger than yours) and was devastated, but now says that she has no feelings for him at all now and despises him for the sort of person he has shown himself to be. What you are feeling now is residual emotion from the person you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. It will become easier.

Haha should have been not [sink] - that'll teach me not to preview my posts.

I'm not sure DD is bothered about the amount of time they spend together. She doesn't seem it anyway. I just find it weird. Just over 1 hr every month. He spends longer driving over here (2hr round trip).

It's possible for the open day, I do have to go up there anyway as I have the bigger car and DS has a lot of stuff to bring back. I would leave it as them for the day but last time DS and STBX went up there to look around I was left at home. Someone had to look after the dog and (then) 15 yr old DD. So I haven't actually seen DS's Uni. Kinda me being nosy as well tbh. I'm sick of being left out. I want to do what I want and actually take charge. If STBX can't put things aside for a few hours, literally about 2 hrs, then that's his problem not mine.

Plus I can be civil for a few hours, we'll have to do it eventually. I don't even think we're hostile or anything, it's just him being an arse. He's left so he thinks it's that simple.

I think my emotions are more to do with the fact I'm on my own with no one to share anything with. It's been 23 yrs in total. Plus I'm not an outgoing person so can't see me having another relationship (not sure I want the hassle!) I only met STBX through work as it is! I wasn't looking.

I'm sure once the dust has settled I'll see positive things that I don't now. Or I'll realised I liked him more than I thought!

Really can't get out of this rut. No idea why. I just can't seem to find anything, even the sunny weather, to smile about.
Work last night was OK. Sent DS's student finance forms today. Bought some plants with a store voucher I had left that ran out tomorrow, so planted those earlier. Not even that cheered me up. :/ I'm tired, can't stop eating and just generally blah.

Oh and the bloomin' email program isn't working. Well, the home server which STBX set up to be precise, and I have no clue how to fix it. He tries to be helpful by text but without access to the server here he can't fix it. He said he'll have to come over to fix it or help me transfer my personal email address(es) to something else. I've been asking for a while if we can get rid of it as I have no clue how to use it and he won't update it any more. Being without emails (your main account that is) is more upsetting than you think. You don't know what you're missing, whether it's important.
Apparently he's off sick at the moment so will let me know. Trouble is I work every evening from tomorrow until the weekend. The only good thing is, if he has a cold/cough, I can't be kept awake (even in the next bedroom) by his coughing and bad mood as he has 'manflu'. Now that I won't miss.

You're doing well I think you are stronger than you know.
Just a practical suggestion, my local college of FE has a drop in service where you can update your computer skills. I did it it a few years ago, it wasn't expensive and may be subsidised for some. You can even take some city and guild exams if you want to. It really helped me with the basics of the internet and word and there were lots of options.

I'm pretty good with the basics, it's the more complex Excel (just can't get my head around it!) and deeper complications of Word. I've taken a look around my local college website and they don't seem to cater for this kind of thing. No idea if there are others in the area. I'll keep checking it out though.
My motivation is at an all time low right now. It's half term, which is normally when we'd go on holiday and my emails still don't work. He knew this could happen and still didn't give a flying rats arse. I'm pissed today.
But thank you for your comment. I'm trying to be strong but to be honest, I'm tired. Not physically as such, but mentally.

Have a look at your local council website - they might offer training courses separately from FE places?

In what way is email not working - is it an old server type account (@btopennet.com) or similar? You might be better off setting up a new gmail which is easier to integrate with smartphones etc

The server is a home one that my STBX set up. He's good with computers (or used to be) but can't be arsed to keep this one going.

We're looking into routing 2 of my emails through the domain we have. I also have a gmail and yahoo account which I use for other things. I've transferred some but don't want to keep transferring them. STBX can't do anything without being here and he's sick at the moment (off work).
Hopefully we can work it out at some point!

Not sure what happened there. 2 posts deleted, no idea why as I didn't see them. Sorry if I've upset anyone, I'm really not in a the best place right now.

I didn't see them either Over - don't worry, you haven't said anything which could possibly upset anyone. Probably just spam.

It's not your fault you're in the financial position you're in now. Your husband couldn't have done his job without you being home doing everything that entails. You are entitled to half his pension if he has one and maintenance for yourself and children. Also depending on the age of any children, more than half the house. If he wants a clean break, get more of the house so he doesn't have to pay you maintenance.

My sister got a 60.40 split on everything, and they took one child each, one at school with her, one at collage with him... tell your ex if he wants to fight it all out fine, or you want more so you can move forward. and add in for the kids so he doesn't have to pay up each month, 40k bill total for both.

The courts totted up all bills, and took it away from assets, he has no choice he has to declare everything he owes, so do you, so if he is buying new clothing make sure you and the kids have some as well...

Don't get suckered into being soft on him, and don't think bring the children up doesn't count as work, everything you owe goes into the pot and is shared.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today. I think the tiredness is probably a reaction to all the emotional stress you've had over the last few months - be kind to yourself, it can affect you much more deeply than you realise.

Him making so little effort in every way though, including with his children. .. what a waste of space he is.

I'm definitely tired. My head never clears. I've tried writing things down, here and a notebook, but it never clears. I even start worrying whether what I've written down is right or not, whether I could write it better, what I've missed out.

Today has been crap. Very short with DD this morning, she's avoiding me. The dog is winding me up. He's obsessed with birds in our garden now, and keeps jumping up at the fence. I have no interest in training him, and that's a big issue I know. Taking him for a walk this morning I had a mini meltdown. He'd just done his #2's and I cracked. Picking that up is my life. STBX just walks away from the FAMILY dog, that was the reason we got him. DS is away but never takes much notice when he's here, never has done (we knew he wasn't keen or even going to be here after the 1st yr). DD tries and does take care of him during the evenings I work, but she's upstairs most of the time during the day.

I had different visions of having a dog and it's not reality. He can't go in the car because of his car sickness, his recall is sh*t so can't be off lead (although we've never ever tried). Walking with him when other dogs are around is stressful, mainly as he's so interested in them, he wants to play. The expense of keeping him is also playing on my mind. I feel trapped. And he's such a lovely boy.They're my thoughts, not his fault. I don't know how to change things. Trying to get him used to the car will take time and effort, and I'm not sure if I have the effort left. STBX said we'd do agility with him. Never happened. mainly as STBX couldn't be arsed (never even looked for a place, I gave suggestions) and the car issue. STBX had dogs when younger, I gave in to the trust he'd know how to do most of the stuff. I wanted rabbits. I also agreed to a girl dog.... but the boy was the only option at the time so we took it. Yes I regret it. I should have said no to a lot of things.

Emails still not working. STBX did say he was trying to work something out last night but I haven't heard from him since. I get bored with all the chasing just to find out simple things. Mind you, it's nothing different. That was part of life with him. If I wanted to know something I had to ask, he wasn't always forthcoming - he'd say he 'forgot' or he hadn't done what he said he was going to do yet. Yet if he needed to something for his bike or computer...... my insecurities caused a few issues but he didn't help them, he probably fed them. Both to blame there.

Mummmy2017 - my SOL thinks it'll be 70/30 (me forfeiting his pension). Which in reality sounds a lot but around here it won't go anywhere near where I need it to be. The debts are the problem. Without those it would work out better, for both of us. The kids are (nearly) 17 and 19 so maintenance won't be an issue.
Trouble is, if they live with me I still have to pay for things (food etc..). My responsibility. Neither have jobs and now student finance are taking into account my lower income they'll get paid (if DD goes to) the max loan, not exactly an incentive to get a job. I've given up on asking them tbh. I'm drained on that score. DS should have got a job by now, he's outgoing enough. DD is like me unfortunately, shy and not confident enough.

Can't be bothered to cook much lately, no interest. I'll eat (probably to much) but cooking? Meh. If DD wasn't here I'd be on ready meals. Contemplating whether to go for a Mcd later or something. Really don't know. I have an expensive month this month so need to think carefully about things.

I don't think he's a waste of space as such. He's just dealing with it differently, without emotion - and he can't just pop round to take DD out as it's a 2hr round trip. No idea how much they talk by text/email/FB etc. as I try not to ask.
What's annoying me is lack of information on his part. He started this, he wants this but he's not giving me any info. I have to ask. The bike for instance, he is planning to pick it up but won't ask me first I suspect, what day to come over, he'll arrange it then tell me. He hasn't even mentioned any dates yet. He's supposed to be emailing me but ... yeah. I know I'm an impatient person but sometimes waiting for him is painful.