Thank you for all your comments.
I'm in limbo. STBX is dealing with the divorce and as yet I don't know what he's said for unreasonable behaviour, which I had hoped we could talk through and put down things that wouldn't rock the boat. Obviously not. He obviously doesn't give a sh*t about whether it will upset me or not.
He took money out of the joint acct last week for 'fees' which tbh has left it looking rather empty and there is one last CC payment to go out for the month... which if he doesn't notice soon will put it overdrawn. I won't be doing anything about it mainly as he's the one who has put it in that position and obviously can't manage his finances.
He's so fixated on bloody fees and the divorce etc... Why not wait and try to build up a cash sum rather than bits? He keeps changing the goal posts with regards to the finances in the joint acct. He said he'd put a set amount in and then review it after 6 months, but that kept going down each month as he obviously calculated wrong and put too much in. I never know how much he's going to put in and he seems to take out willy nilly. He makes it up to suit himself I feel. What's so hard about calculating all the bills that need paying and putting that amount in??
He's never really understood how to do it. I tried but he would do it his way.
I get my pay each month, and, using a pad (and a spreadsheet on the PC), I take off every necessary bill that will be going out that month and go from there, so what is on my pad (and spreadsheet) is the right figure, not the bank one which is never up to date. I've told him to do that for yrs but he wouldn't listen. He'd do it all at the end of the month, it would never add up, and then he'd have a 'rough' figure for the following month which was spare cash - which was never right. Rinse and repeat. It was too much work to do it weekly (let alone daily) so we could keep up to date on where the money was. Seems he is still doing things 'his' way and getting it wrong.
I feel like I can't say anything to him otherwise it will go against me.
This weekend has been bad. I've just been thinking to much about everything. Right Move has been open all weekend, trying to work out how to do it. And I feel detached. Like it's happening but not really, if that makes sense? DD has joked we could move up north and afford something decent, I did point out a) I'd need a job up there plus b) I don't want too!
Trust me, I've thought about going back to the Drs but it's not some thing I can be convinced to do. My life has been this way for a long time and it's just the way it is. Drs don't seem to listen, well not my ones any way. Pills are not a place I want to go and talking isn't my thing. I just feel too self conscious. I just hope that I'm not doing any damage to DD, who had to put up with me this weekend (for example). I do want to feel better and hope in time, when this has sorted itself out, that I can do that naturally. As long as I'm not hurting any one else it can be dealt with internally.
Trust me I'm not a lovely person. I've done things I'm not proud of. I'm sure STBX would agree. I'm not a nasty person I don't think. I'm OK. But I'm hard work. I worry about pleasing other people. I'm too indecisive. Something which used to piss STBX off. For the last yr everything I did pissed him off actually. I could tell,he had this look after I'd say or do something and I could tell. So much so I'd watch what I said/did a lot more than normal. Eggshells.
I don't make or keep friends purely because I keep to myself to much. I don't like social occasions as such. I would like to. Other people make things seem easy. I'd love to travel but obviously cash and shyness aren't 2 things that make it an obviously easy path. I love to have things to look forward to. Something to work towards. That helps me.
Being able to be financially independent after all this will be a positive. I can do that if I get the right equity from the sale and take a small loan.
I want to see positives, it's just hard.