Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Banks only give money when you don't need it, not when you do, in my observation.
How odd that STBX thought he could stop making payments at the beginning of the year. Is he in financial difficulty, do you think? More likely getting pressure from OW. Maybe some of the glow is wearing off.
Give it enough time and that's inevitable. Not that you should care one little bit, of course.

No idea about his finances tbh. He seemed to be managing pretty bloody well last year (when I saw his bank statements), and by now his CC debts should be going down just like mine is. If he had any sense he would have moved some onto a 0% card, but he was always reluctant to do that so I don't know. He even managed a decent holiday last yr so to plead poverty now.... I'd be suspicious. He also has OW to share the household bills with.

He doesn't really know how to manage money though. He never listened to advice from me, always waited until the end of the month to check all the receipts against the online banking and never checked off the payments on the credit card statements (didn't think it was necessary). I never got a straight answer when I asked how much was left in the account at the start of the month (after all bills paid) to carry us through til the end, it was always a 'rough' calculation. We didn't keep to a spending budget, which when you're in debt you should do so you can pay more off the debt.

So somebody on one of the Relationship threads mentioned the decree nisi and you referred to that the other day, I believe. It's a part of the divorce process you are dealing with that has connotations I'm sure I don't understand well.

There are apparently 5 different decree nisi forms to choose from, including adultery, 2 years separation, 5 years separation, unreasonable behaviour (spelled that properly!), and desertion.

That is so different from here where you can get a "quickie" divorce if both parties agree, there aren't a lot of assets to divide, no underage kids, etc. Much cheaper and less wear and tear, and obviously, not much thought required. Doesn't mean all divorces are like that here, sometimes lots of money is at stake, or custody battles occur.

In any case, in your system does this mean that the divorce process could go on for YEARS? .

It looks like the fastest way to get the divorce ball rolling is to claim unreasonable behaviour, whatever that means. Couldn't that be practically anything? Reason is the least part of human relationships, if you ask me. That seems like an invitation to create hurt feelings, a partner making a big issue of one's foibles and idiosyncrasies!

By this point you've almost been separated for 2 years from STBX and I couldn't fathom why this was taking so long, since I didn't know this was actually a thing, the two-year separation.

It seems like a painful system no matter how you slice it. You could end up in divorce limbo for some time, with finances held in suspension, and all the worries that would come with. It also seems like the person who initiates the divorce controls the divorce process, putting the other party wondering how they will get by, giving the initiator plenty of time to shelter funds, launder money, "lose work", hide money, etc.

It's a complicated process and obviously whichever one you choose can cause problems.
STBX didn't want to wait for the 2 yr separation one (obvious as to why, now, but then I didn't want to think he'd lie to me.....) so he went down the route of unreasonable behaviour. He, as I've mentioned before, thought of 6 lovely reasons instead of the 5 you need. Not to mention he used a whole A4 sheet to make sure the judge understood his need for a divorce. (without mentioning the OW.....strange that).

So yes it does cause hurt and one I will never forgive (or forget).
And yes it does put the instigator of the divorce in a much better position, specially when the kids are 'adults'.

I still suspect he has hidden his income, submitting the Form E when work was at it's lowest (they only take 3 months worth of wages slips into account) and possibly spending on his credit cards. I made his cards debt at £27K last Apr, on his Consent Order these past few weeks he made it £30K??. I sure hope he's not including any extra spending or loans etc.. that he took out after our separation as I don't think that should be taken into account.
It's a hideous system which needs a complete overhaul. For instance both parties need to update their financial situation for the Consent Order. He has signed his part but not dated it so I have no idea when it was done. Crafty that.

"No-fault" divorce now sounds better to me than giving "reasons", which process just becomes an exercise in humiliation. A cheater who is sneaking about lists your personal faults? Are you kidding me? That's crazy.

A large amount of credit card debt he's got there. Very probably slight of hand, as you suspect. Do you have any idea on where that money has been going during the separation? I would think you would have the right to know, as you're still married despite being separated.

I can see why you've been upset from the start. There are clearly many ways for a cheater to cheat. And what makes it worse is the cheater trying to seize the moral high ground.

I hope your viewing went well this weekend. You were supposed to have one conducted by the EA, if I recall.

Viewing booked for Saturday - again, meaning weekend ruined. Also the EA said it's someone looking to buy a 2nd place for investment purposes. Not sure how I feel about that, actually yes I do. I hate the idea it won't go to someone who will buy it for themselves to live in. I hate landlords with a passion (I find them greedy tbh). I won't have a say though if they like it and actually put an offer in at the price we want.
I won't be happy though.

That's a shame. Of course you feel that way, I would, too. Though investment doesn't necessarily mean rental property, it could be a remodel and flip situation.

Of course that's not what you want to see, either, but then your house will continue to be a home for an owner who will appreciate it. Personally, would much rather see a remodel than a rental.

I hope you can find ways to keep your spirits up while going through this sale. I have much appreciation for how strong you've been through this whole process.

Trouble is, remodelling around here won't really add that much value to make it worth the effort. Sadly I see it as a possible rental. Mixed feelings. Need to sell but won't be happy selling to an investor (so to speak.).

Had the night off last night but wished I had gone to work, then I wouldn't have twisted my bloody ankle. Nice bit of swelling and a huge bruise now but glad it doesn't feel as painful as last night.

I parked my car in the usual shopping unloading spot on the driveway and would normally have just gone to work later but obviously didn't need to, so I thought i'd move the car back to it's usual driveway spot before the pizza turned up for dinner. Bad idea. I hit the edge of the thick rubber mat outside the front door and went tumbling. I've done it several times over the yrs (various locations!) but that was the most painful one yet. If the rubber mat moves even a little bit it's not central with the front door which can cause you to miss it. Not in this case! Oh well.

Then I thought I'd be clever and change some songs on my iPod classic playlists. Bad idea again. I had a hard time trying to sort the syncing out as iTunes did not want to do it then the iPod got wiped then it got errors..... blah blah blah. I gave up and tried again this morning and it worked. It always has problems but sorts in the end, no idea why and it's a bloody headache. I dread plugging the damn thing in.

Feeling slightly better this morning, not by much though. PMS in full swing again. Not sure if while pms'ing it's my natural feelings coming through or it just magnifies them. Either way it's a terrible time and I hate it.

Viewing in a couple of hours, DD and I will be going out as I find it so awkward anyway, let alone when an EA shows them around and you have to just be 'there' smiling sweetly.

That had to hurt! I think you're supposed to keep you leg elevated when that happens, or pack ice on the swelling, something like that. Worth seeing a doctor to check it out?
Sounds like you're running on adrenaline. What do you think? Kind of like a race car driver with all systems go!
Hope you feel better today. Have some ?

I had an ice pack on it and I always put my feet up on the coffee table so no hardship there. Now the bruising has come out the swelling around the top part of the ankle is slowly going down, side of foot and ankle bone bit are still swollen and bruised but overall pretty good now. Thanks. Just damn glad I didn't break it. That would have fecked things right up.

I am tired. Every time I think I have a quiet period something else rears it's ugly head, whether house/divorce/work or car. I am longing for quiet times once everything is sorted.

Let's hope things get resolved by Christmas and the New Year brings a fresh start for you. Wouldn't that be nice?

I think it could be in the cards, I really do. Then you'll have more energy, you'll see.

What's your ankle telling you today? I think it was saying slow down! On top of everything else, you have people traipsing through your house with the EA. That's nerve wracking. Modern life is exhausting! It feels like everyone wants a piece of you, doesn't it?

It's a real challenge to find any "me time". I see these celebrities going from spa to tropical vacay to hair dresser to dining out and wonder how that works? Servants, I suppose. Called "assistants". That's how. Still doesn't leave you with much privacy, though.

Quiet time is what we all want. Time to do nothing at all! What a luxury!

The way things are going I don't think resolving the house sale before Christmas is possible. Until things are signed they can still go tits up.
The divorce could be done by then though. If I can sign the paperwork this week and it's sent back to STBX's SOL then he could apply for the Absolute.

Ankle looks pretty pathetic but feels OK. Twinges but nothing major.

I really haven't been thinking too well lately and what you mention is one of them.
People at work (day mainly) do spa days and afternoon tea and go out for dinner, nice holidays etc... whereas I can't really afford all that. It's a different level. Makes me feel more on the outside.
Not to mention at school I was the 3rd wheel more often than not, happens when you have 3 friends and 2 always pair up whether for sports, same classes or just naturally. Now FF to today and at work (evening) there are, yes you guessed it, 3 of us who are on the same wavelength. Kinda feel on the outside again sometimes. Also the other 2 live in the same road/court so they have another bond there.

I'd just love to have a steady job(s), with steady income and be able to pay bills but also have a bit of a life without worrying about money.

Ha, I have zero interest in spa days or eating out or vacays. But that's not the point. One wants to be able to afford these things so it's a matter of choice.

Many friendships are a matter of convenience and circumstance. It's more a matter of luck than anything else.

I suppose you can make your own luck, go to clubs, church, volunteer efforts, classes, occasions that you find interesting. That increases the odds of finding fellow like-minded people.

That takes time, though, and that's the biggest problem I see, not having enough free time, as I'm not all that enthused about giving up an evening or a weekend when it gets down to it. I keep imagining an alternate reality where I have leisure time but it never emerges.

Well, things are going to change and I am not looking forward to it. Nope, not the divorce - still waiting for that - nope, not the house sale - still waiting for that, nope, not the financial consent order - still waiting for that.

Thurs night, at the evening job, something happened that will change things forever next month.

Basically the owners have decided to reshape the way things are done, starting with the night time shift workers and basically getting rid of it. Thurs, when we were told we were having a meeting at 9pm (nationwide store meetings, everyone sitting down in their respective stores at the same time) we knew something was happening. And we were right, a few other things then made sense as well.

Basically we now can't work 2 hrs past store closing, so we have to either bring our hours forward or it's redundancy. I've been there just under 2 yrs so I'm not even eligible for redundancy. I am fortunate my morning job doesn't interfere with this job so I can move the hours forward, not ideal but has to be done as I need the job. In a team of 8 I may be the only one left.

For various reasons, 2 of the others are happy to take redundancy and leave, as they've been there a long time and don't need or want the job any more.

1 lady may stay and see if works, but that's a big if. 1 lady was on holiday and we're not sure if her circumstances would mean she has to stay just to have a job, she is eligible for redundancy but it may not be a big pay out. The other lady, who I was hoping would stay, may well decide her redundancy payout is good enough and leave as well.

The boss has been told that his original job will be merging with another job and he didn't fit the 'criteria' to do it! After 30 yrs of employment. Nice kick in the teeth there. How the 2 jobs will be merged is beyond us as they are done at completely different times of the day! So he's hoping for a big pay out, as he either takes redundancy (preferred choice) or gets demoted.

By next month I could be the only one left to work the new hours which terrifies me. So instead of starting at 7 (6 on a Fri) I would have to start a 5 (4 on a Fri). I obviously finish 2 hrs earlier so will get to bed at a decent time, but it means my 'free time' from one job to the next has decreased rapidly, specially on a Fri. I would still have 1 night off - hopefully, that's the plan.

Trouble is we have to have our 2nd meetings next week which is when we tell them what we want to do re: hours etc. At this point in time we have no idea of any other details. I really am concerned what will happen. I don't want to do tills or serve customers in that way. I don[t want to work weekends. I just want to put stock away, Mon - Fri.
I don't have a choice. I've been looking around on the job site and at the moment there are no options, I am stuck.

I finally found a job I can do with nice people and it worked. and what happens? Not even 2 yrs down the line it's yanked away for something unknown. The team we work in was one of the best and it's going to be gone. None of us really understand it, but we suspect the motives. Money. As usual.

Oh and we have 4 managers, well, it's going down to 3 as one was made redundant. He'd just taken on a big mortgage and my boss said the guy was devastated. 1 of the other managers really wanted redundancy so she was in tears because she hadn't been given the boot! It's all so bloody confusing.

Oh and my (new) bloody car needs £300 of work done on it, my heating needs to be serviced (not so expensive) but it also needs to be fixed (could be expensive) as it doesn't come on when using the timer (and at 6am you need it on via the timer.....).

So basically my life is in the shitter right now and I can't control any of it.

Uhoh. It's always something, isn't it?

Very confusing as to how all this plays out. It sounds like they have decided to go for a more streamlined business model. Can you Google the company on business/financial pages and find out how much downsizing is predicted?

The company itself is not going to tell you details but if they are a large firm the business pages will report on what's going on. You want to know where you stand.

It's awful to lose a secure position with people you like. Fortunately, you have acquired skills that will help you if you need to land a new position. It was very, very smart of you to get work experience.

If it were me I'd take whatever they offered and at least buy myself some time to look for something more suitable. Even if it meant working longer hours for the time being. Unless you get redundancy sufficient to tide you over, but it sounds like you don't get any? Are you completely sure of that?

These things are always a shock and send one into panic mode. Try not to panic, though, because in my experience a lot of times it actually works out for the best. And hopefully that's going to be case in this situation.

Like I say, I would try to find out if it makes sense to commit to them for the short term and give yourself time to figure out what to do for the long term. UnMumsnetty hugs to you!

They're trying to streamline as well as save money. A lot of money. After a certain time of night companies have to pay employees an 'unsocial hours payment' per hour, which adds up. Some stores are so large they have them work ALL night, from closing time to 5am, so they restock the store. That's a lot of money. Also insurance costs more.
Moving all the night staff to work during store opening (plus 2 hrs past opening) it will save a bundle, no more unsocial hours payments for a start. I lose £52 per month and I only work 4 nights, some work 5. (and we have 8 employees, some stores have triple that number). Not to mention, if people decide to move to earlier hours, they get more floor staff without recruiting anyone.

I have to stay no matter what as I can't find anything to go to right now. It's all temporary for Xmas and/or not the sort of jobs I can do. I will keep looking for sure. and hoping that I can just get on with the job without getting too anxious about it. I hate change and the unknown. I'm hoping at least one person stays on from my team so I won't be totally on my own (you know what I mean).

Thurs night was a very weird evening, we only had 4 of us in (plus 2 others who aren't in our department but work our hours) for the meeting so the rest had to be phoned by the main manager to explain the situation so they didn't hear it from anyone else.

I don't get redundancy no, it needs to be 2 yrs or more, I won't have been there 2 yrs til Jan. But it wouldn't have been enough to leave anyway.

I just have no idea what I would do if I do leave. I look at jobs and the descriptions scare the crap outta me. I really have no qualifications and re-training wouldn't work as I can't concentrate that long on things I don't like (and can't do exams). Yes I could try to learn Excel etc. but I would find it so boring and working in an office is something I don't want to go back to. Manual stuff is more my thing.

Trying to be positive but finding it increasingly difficult. Normally I've come out of my down phase by now but it's still there. Things just seem to be dragging on and then going wrong without any control. I'm constantly worrying about money.

Plus the next few weeks are going to be difficult, knowing it's all going to be changing and nearly everyone will be leaving. My boss is only here for 2 of the weeks as he has holiday to take (pre planned - moving house next week and half term at the end of month), so it's already unsettled because of having a relief manager (who normally doesn't do a damn thing to help).
I have 3 days at the end of the month (plus another week off from the other job) so can take deep breathes.
Just a shame everything will change and there's not a damn thing we can do about it.

I have trouble switching off. My mind is always going. Even watching TV I am still thinking about stuff and I don't concentrate on the prog I'm watching, I flick channels a lot and FF programmes I've recorded. I'm never 'in the moment'.

My mind scrambles to fill in the unknown. And there's a lot of unknown these days. The immediate question that came to mind was does this situation mean telling your SOL pronto? As in are you going to have to revisit the terms of the divorce, you're expecting a reduction in pay and will need concessions re: proceeds from house sale, etc.

I'm sure you don't want to contemplate this at all! I just like having plans and backup plans as a way to cope with unknowns. Does that work at all for you?

The other way to deal is take long walks or get a set of hand weights and burn off the bad stress chemicals. Sometimes that works much better than endless thinking going in circles. I tend to over think and I'm tired of how tired it makes me!

Not very helpful thoughts, I fear. Our systems are very brittle. Yet we are supposed to be resilient. It's so easy to lose your morale when the company you work for pulls the rug out from under you suddenly like this. Somehow you have to carry on. I wonder if they will want you to take on managerial responsibilities.

Telling my SOL wouldn't make any difference. It's only £624 per yr. It would cost more in fees for her than it's worth. My fault, I should have stuck out for at least 65%, given I'm housing DD (and possibly DS - at least all his stuff) and our difference in income. Too late now.

I didn't reply last night as I went to bed at 10. Not too early you might think, but this is coming from someone who, once upon a time, used to stay up til midnight at the weekend. Now I really can't be bothered.

Work are thinking of saving money while telling us it's all about the customers. Nope, it's not. They just want more people on the shop floor serving customers without recruiting or paying more. And we can't do the majority of what we do while the shop is open. Customers will get in the way (simple way to put it, and they do get in the way), safety must come first. We put a lot of stuff on the floor so we can overstock it later, it's a hazard.

We needed those 4 hrs per night with 8 staff (10 incl the other 2 guys working for other departments) and now we'll only have 2 hrs per night and possibly only 3/4 people (incl the other 2 guys, 1 hasn't decided yet, 1 will wait and see what happens). Won't know final numbers until Friday who has really decided to go (even the boss might need to rethink redundancy if it's not enough, he doesn't want to stay though).

My thoughts are not good no. I am reaching the end and thinking of ways. I know other people are going through worse and live with worse, what they choose to do is their own right, but I can't do this for the next 20/30/40 yrs. I will be on my own constantly worrying about money. I am working to live, nothing more.I am going through motions. I need to get past the divorce, the house move, and possibly DD going to Uni. I can write that here as no one knows me (my sister doesn't look here any more, or my Dad, I know that), I can't do it on social media to let it out. Death doesn't scare me, pain does.

I think you have to remember that this is a very very low point in your life - and sadly for you it seems to have been going on for a very long time (thanks to ex) so it would be foolish to make any big life-changing decisions now - apart from those you have to make regarding house and job.

As well as your divorce situation you also have this job situation which has come up at the same time. This is the trouble with problems, they never seem to come singly, and it seems overwhelming.

The work/money situation is always hard to begin with but it does usually improve over time. I was very broke when ex first left - I know I was better off than others because I had a reasonable full-time job - but I had a lot less money. Over the years things have improved, kids are working etc and it seems a bit better. No I don't have a partner (not even tried, why would I?) or much of a social life although I have a few friends, but I am OK - I suppose content. You will get to this stage I am sure - if you are lucky you may get more.

Just think about getting through the next day, the next week, the next car/job/twatty ex problem and things will improve.

I know you don't want to do this, but temporary hard times are why some people take ADs for a while - gets them over the hump. You have the worst of a couple of worlds - the problems you are facing and the fact that you can't take the AD medication.

What's happening about the telephone counselling, I can't remember?