Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

A new fridge is a wonderful thing. Does yours have the built-in water thingy that makes ice? That was the first part to go on my last fridge but then that was early days and maybe the technology has improved.

When it died, I replaced scuffed white fridge with a shiny silver one. It is easier to clean and looks sharp. These appliances never go at a convenient time, that's for sure. And I didn't get the water thingy this time as it took up freezer space. I'm making ice in little plastic trays just like the good old days..

The couple that returned, are they the folks that wanted to live near their son and the wife seemed like she might need persuading? Sounds like your place stuck in hubby's mind!

You must have a lot of mixed feelings about the places you're looking at. On the one hand, fresh start. On the other hand, inevitable you will compare to the place you have now and like and made your own. It's really tough.

Nope, no ice thing, can't see the point! I don't use ice in my drinks. It's just a fridge, no freezer.

Yeah, that's the couple. The wife wasn't convinced our place was the same as her son's one was before he did all his improvements. At this point I have no idea whether they'll offer or not. The husband said he was the one to work costs out for work etc.. and trhey'd contact the EA on Monday. But they said that last week and didn't offer..... so who knows.

The places we're looking at all need work, that's the problem. The kitchens all need to be replaced and the bathrooms are very tired. Majority of gardens we see are also very sparse and unloved. I'm not a gardener by any means but I do like to plant things - that don't need more than a prune once a yr and see them grow.

I am comparing yes. I know I have to downsize that's not the problem, I just want to be able to keep my 3 seater sofa and one chair! (not both as I currently have). Most of the places I can't do that. I know I have to buy a new smaller table/chairs but even then it would be tight as the lounges are often dining rooms as well.

It's tricky. I might have to be cheeky when looking seriously (when this place has an offer). I will look above my budget and put in an offer that I can afford. It's then up to the vendor if they accept. If not I will move on to the next place. Only way to do it I reckon. If I look on my budget and below I'll never find a place I am happy with. Working in a DIY store will help with costs though when decorating, trying to think of the positive spin here!
Change is not my forte. Hence the reason i tried to get the same fridge! (hoping I get used to the silver colour..... always had white. although it's grey not silver IMO!). Keep thinking there's someone there as I catch it out the corner of my eye!

I emailed my SOL on Friday to ask about progress. She replied this morning to say I'd hear from her on Monday. Hoping that things actually get resolved and we can not only sign a financial agreement but he will apply for the Absolute. Nearly 2 yrs on (in mid Nov) we still haven't actually finalised anything in writing! No divorce, no financial order, house sale. If I can start 2019 with at least the divorce and financial order I'll be happy.

Well I've heard from my SOL this morning. I agree with most of the consent order but 2 points. He hasn't included DD's phone plan in it - he committed to pay it and that should be on there.
But, the big problem, he will stop paying the mortgage on 31st Jan 2019. He expects the house to be sold and exchanged by then or I will have to pay.... Um, what part of I can't pay doesn't he understand?? It's not a case of won't it's a case of CAN'T as I don't have enough money, I don't even have half the payment.

I'm paying all the bills plus still paying my credit card each month. If the mortgage was £300 a month (as I expect my new one to be) and the CC was paid off, then fine I could pay it. But as it stands I can't discharge the CC until we sign the consent order let alone pay a hefty mortgage! it's pretty much one of my incomes per month! He is still ignoring the fact we can take payment holidays or even put the monthly payment down for a while.
I have no clue what the heck to do. I have spoken to the EA about pushing the price down, something which I don't want to do as we need a specific amount and I fear we'll get silly offers which STBX will want to accept. Put it this way, it we sell for something silly like £260K/£270K I can't afford a decent place.

I also can't control whether this house sells or not. And in 4 months?? No idea. yes we could get an offer tomorrow but solicitors could takes months to sort it out. Plus this house needs work. That could put people off. We never did any real improvements to it in latter years (well, just new windows). Instead we bought STBX a motorbike....

The guy who viewed again at the weekend with his wife said he'd need to spend about £15k to do what he wants and therefore want to put the price down by that much, (I assume the EA said £15K off the price, could have been £50k!!).

Will your solicitor report your objections back to him? I hope so!

He wants it sold pronto, but he wouldn't pull his finger out to sort stuff out would he?

Entitled jerk.

I've told my SOL I can't pay the mortgage, even she knows I can't as we've been through this before. NO amount of threatening etc.. will magic money. I haven't got it. A payment holiday or lowering the payments would help but he's ignoring it!! Why? I don't know.
He obviously thinks I'm raking it in. I don't get tax credits any more, I've only just started (new week) to get child benefit again. That's only £82 a month and is to contribute for DD's share of food and bills.

Even paying off my CC, then chasing STBX for child maintenance, would still leave me with nothing each month. And I mean nothing. Even cutting back on food won't help. This is why I need a mortgage around £300 per month (with my CC gone).

DD also knows STBX agreed to pay her phone bill, she was there. If he doesn't pay I will be telling her.

I've also spoken to the EA this afternoon about lowering the house price, as we seem to have exhausted the viewers for the price range we're in and it's competitive around our area, some places don't need the work ours does for example. Lowering the price would allow them to contact a different market who are looking slightly lower. I told the EA to speak to STBX about it as I can't make that decision on my own.

The EA phoned me back and apparently STBX 'understands' our reasoning but needs to think about it and work out his finances tonight. i know exactly how much I need and have been working that out on the figure we're agreed as a minimum sale (£280K), so surely STBX has been doing the same?? Something tells me he wants to speak to OW and also his SOL before doing anything. It's tedious. He must have known lowering the price would have to happen eventually??

So, even me trying to sort that out, he won't agree to yet.

I don't think he knows what he wants.

Why is he making this your problem to solve? You can't control the housing market. Can you afford to take the 15K lower offer? In any case, the January 31st deadline sounds unrealistic. You can't agree to that.

Well apparently STBX called the EA this morning and agreed to drop the price to attract a new market. We won't accept anything lower than we agreed, or if we get a decent offer just a couple of grand lower I might try to convince him to accept it.

I won't be agreeing to any deadline for the mortgage cost. He needs to understand things won't change with my financial situation, I can't make more money. Use your brain and either take payment breaks or just lower the monthly payment, only way to do it. He doesn't seem to grasp it though.

Its as if he thinks I'm going to sabotage it all. Do I want to move? No. Do I HAVE to move? Yes, I have accepted that and will not sabotage anything. I can't control when someone buys this house or how long that takes. Its as if he thought we'd put it on the market, get an offer and exchange contracts within a couple of months or something. Totally unrealistic.

You've done everything you can but you're not a professional flipper with deep pockets and a formula for making an old house new. You have to spend a whole lot of money and time on a house in order to make a "quick" sale, that's the irony. STBX is not being realistic at all.

I shouldn't think so much as it just disturbs me.

Done some quick calculations and STBX and OW, if on what they have put down on the financial form, along with a deposit from him and probably one from her, could afford a (2/3 bed) house worth £290-300K. With ease I might add, after looking on RM, in the location they're looking at.
While I'm scrimping and having to accept a gift from my Dad just to afford something decent he's worrying about putting the price down a little and taking 40%?? Why not 35%? We're talking £10K difference, not a lot to him & OW but a huge amount to me and DD.

I know I have to stand on my own 2 feet, and will, (although if on my own, I could have bought a 1 bed place) but surely he should want DD to have a home somewhere nice and make sure she is settled? Anything I buy will go to the kids anyway, whereas anything he buys will be shared with OW and possibly another kid along the way.

• just to add, the place they wish to live has so many properties available I admit I'm jealous. I have a handful to choose from whereas they have a few pages. sigh

You've made me wonder, how far away does STBX live now that he has so many more choices of property to buy? What I'm asking is, Is it a case of from one town to another makes that much of a difference? Here we have tons of places because, you know, developers all over springing up like mushrooms. But the quality varies quite a bit.

He lives about 50-55 miles away. Yep, here the distance can be a big deal. Even a few miles can put the cost up or down drastically. 15 miles up the road I could buy a 3 bed place yet here a 2 bed is a stretch! Ridiculous.

50 miles drive on a highway, people here used to do that as a daily commute! (Country roads, not so much.) 15 miles sounds very doable, honestly .

Trouble is our roads around here are terrible.

The 15 mile away place/town isn't really doable in rush hour. The road linking here and there is awful. Only a single lane (needs to be a dual carriageway but the council/planning keep fobbing people off). Regular accidents and, as an example, today it was closed completely - all day - because of an accident which killed someone. It would add so much time to my journeys, even when there isn't a problem.

Plus the extra petrol cost, I have to weigh it all up, not to mention it would add another 1 hr to DD's bus travel, which is already 1 hr. Unfortunately it's not really a viable option. Maybe if DD had been going to college there it would have been more favourable, IDK. It's a horrible drive, even on a Saturday, if we want to go shopping there we make sure we leave early as the traffic builds up so badly. It's ridiculous.

It's a tricky area to live in, and frustrating, as they keep building houses but not improving the road infrastructure.

That is such a shame about the accident. Is the traffic always coming and going or are there morning and evening patterns? In other words, do you have rush hour going into town, for example, or are the roads congested coming and going in both directions?

It makes sense to avoid all that stress!

It is a shame, 1 died and another with life threatening injuries. It's not a one-off either.

It's a busy route, as to get from a - b any other way it's quite a diversion.
There are patterns but unfortunately for me they would coincide with not only me but DD travelling along it! I did consider it when I thought DD was going to college there but not now.

My problem with STBX and his potential budget is that his provides greater choice than my smaller one. If I had his budget I could have a broad pick of houses and it would be no problem, could even just keep this (as it's STBX's budget price!).

We have a viewing here on Sat now. The EA called earlier while I was at work so I had to call them back when home. These viewings just stress me out, making sure it's all tidy and nothing on show that shouldn't be! Then the wait. sigh The EA is doing this one so we might just go out.

I hope you don't mind me saying, it's a shame you can't just make a deal with STBX and buy the house you're in. The primary beneficiary would be the kids in the long run. Your EA can project what your house will sell for years down the road. Probably a lot. As you said, that's money going to the kids someday. I'd be pissed off at this process of "price discovery" you're going through now if it means adding a few pounds to STBX's pocket now versus many, many pounds down the road for the children. This is ridiculous or am I missing something? Sorry for the rant .

Unfortunately the only money I have to deal with is £23K less than selling the house is worth to him. So not possible.

Well, his priorities are screwed up, obviously. From the sounds of it he could afford to take less for the sake of the kids. Instead he's making it be "just business". Well, you're doing everything you can. You have viewers this weekend. You're keeping everything tidy. You're much more level headed than I would be under these circumstances. That shows the real strength in your character!

I can understand he wants the most money, I do as well. I just have to think about someone else who can't contribute like his OW can.

From the start of this the kids have never been the priority, he said they were (also said we'd do this amicably) but actions speak louder than words. I know they're both adults, but one is only just, and these days most come home after Uni as they can't afford places of their own. I can't help think DS feels a little put out. He may well stay up north with his BF, but what if they can't find jobs? Split up??

Exactly right. You get it, STBX chooses not to.
For many young people, 30 is just starting out in terms of what life has to offer them. It's a whole bunch of factors, economy not the least of it. There are fewer opportunities and a lot of uncertainty about the future.

What you feel is the best thing to do for the kids is so true, in my opinion. Sadly, you aren't getting the support you should be in order to do the best thing. It's a difficult thing to talk about with the kids, too, but maybe someday you will be able to.

Can confirm, not worth it to risk horrible rush hour traffic if it can be avoided. Speeding SUV almost got me a few minutes ago, they were racing from something, I think. Just a blur in front of me and then this driver hit a curb and spun out.
I can see that when things like this happen, it's so fast you literally won't know what hit you. Definitely to be avoided!

As they are both legally adults now, STBX has no expectation to provide for them. (by the courts I mean, whereas CM is compulsory while I claim child benefit). He chose his timing wisely. It's space I need.

STBX did reply today about the mortgage stuff. He has spoken to his SOL and the mortgage provider to provide a solution and has realised he can't not pay it. It's not ideal, I do understand that, but there is no other solution.

I haven't got enough funds left each month and, to be honest I didn't know this either, the bank says that while the house is on the market we can't take payment holidays or put the monthly cost down. Which is bloody ridiculous if you ask me. Plenty of people sell houses because of financial difficulty, and telling them they can't reduce payments (when it's fine normally) is screwed up. It would solve the problem and they'd get their money back when sold anyway.