Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Kaitlin is right, you're at a low point right now. It's crap, I know. But you're looking at the future through the lens of doom. If that's how bad things are then why not take ADs? What is it going to hurt to try?

One thing to keep in mind is that in recent times they have made huge advances in the understanding of chemicals and how they work best to improve brain functioning. They're not going to turn you into a zombie.

What about talking to your GP on Monday and see what they suggest?

Over, you have a right to your feelings. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. When people suggest trying ADs, they aren't suggesting that your feelings aren't valid. It's important to know that.

When people suggest trying ADs, they aren't suggesting that your feelings aren't valid. It's important to know that.

Crikey yes - I hope you didn't think I was suggesting your feelings weren't valid - anyone in your situation would feel as you do.

The main thing is not to make non-essential life-changing decisions whilst you are in this dark place. MrsP is right that you are "looking to the future through the dark lense of doom", and it is probably right to consider worst-case scenarios - but do remember that you have your Dad to support you and you have us here to help how we can. You can see your GP and all things must pass - this will too.

Kaitlin, I couldn't agree more with what you've been saying all along to Over. I especially like what you said regarding being cautious about making life-changing decisions at times when one is feeling particularly down. Exactly right you are.

The thing is, I wasn't sure what I was hearing from you, Over. That might be partly because I believe anger often lies beneath depression. And the danger is when we turn that anger against ourselves. Depression tends to keep you thinking inside the box, unfortunately.

Yet the reality in life is that very often when one door closes, another one opens. For example, I've noticed many times how you sum things up about your work very concisely.

Good writing and editing skills are valued by employers and you have what it takes. This is a category of work for you to look at if you want long-term career happiness.

Verbal skills are not easily replaced by machines and job prospects for technical writers is growing at a fast rate. This is even something you can work at from home, if you prefer. The possibilities are many and varied.

Taken a few days to try to breathe.

I'm not against AD's for other people, they obviously work, just not for me. This is my normal. I do understand everything that has been said but when you're me it's different.

I am in limbo land - with everything.

At the moment I get up to go to work because I have to. It's not about working as such, I know i need to do that and have no problem doing it. But if I could live on my own without needing to see anyone I would, if I didn't need money to live. The side people see of me isn't the real me. Unfortunately. When I go to to work I put on a facade. I need to be pleasant and happy, whether I want to or not. Trouble is, for the next 20 odd years I need to do the same thing everyday. I am hoping I can pay my mortgage off quicker though so I can just cut down work.

I just feel empty. Nothing excites me any more. Things are more a chore and necessity - that normally costs money. Must be nice to wake up and not have to worry about money.

It's hard to explain. There are more problems than just mental.

Xmas is coming bloody quickly and I really hate this time of yr now. Everyone wants to be happy and do things, I don't. I'd rather work. But even then the shop will be shut. DD will get excited about putting the tree and decs up, I will not. Just looks crowded.

I keep seeing bloody adverts for Florida. Why do they do that? Not everyone can afford it.

I'm always moaning as well. I know it. I hate it.

Everyone puts up a facade for work though - if I were the real me at work I'm sure I wouldn't have a job at all. I have done this all my working life - I consider acting an integral part of my job.

Also I congratulate myself on not having been to a staff Christmas do for years - just pleaded a subsequent engagement.

Do you have a craving for sunny places, Over?

I guess that's true.
I am going to the Xmas meal with the day job lot, it's actually OK even if a bit pricey. I don't need to talk much as others do that. The evening lot have organised their own one instead of going to the work organised one (it's rubbish even though free) in past yrs but obviously this yr will be different as we all won't be working there any more. Not sure what will happen, if anything.

I like the sun but don't like being 'in it' as it gives me headaches. The sun makes me feel better but I don't like it too warm.

2 viewings have been confirmed, one for tomorrow lunchtime and one for Sat morning. I will be at work for both but DD will have to decide whether to go out or stay while the EA shows the viewers around. She'll probably disappear each time. I won't be doing anything around the house, I haven't got the time or inclination. I hoovered yesterday and it's OK. I don't care any more.
Car is booked in at the end of the month to sort it's central locking problem out. £300 for the privilege though (part+labour+VAT). I hate this car, have I mentioned that?? He'll have to keep it over 2 days but that's OK as I have 3 nights off and finish the day one for a week or so. Just means getting the train and a 25 mins walk home, then repeat in reverse to pick it up. Oh well. Hoping it doesn't rain.

Cars and appliances always know just the right moment to have expensive work done. None of the young people around here even want to own a car. Actually, they don't want any of the household stuff, either. I think mostly they want to travel. That's their primary aspiration. The cost of ownership has become fraught with headaches as far as they are concerned.

They are putting off having families. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I always tease my DS that he still wears short pants. That's what his peers wear. What's the big deal, right? I find it amusing. It's probably true, their perspective has merit, live in the moment as much as possible, enjoy hanging out with one another as the main source of entertainment. They manage to have a low impact way of life.

Rainy day thoughts... Hope your viewings were satisfactory, Over, or at least relatively low stress events for you. Did you ever find out any more news on the job front?

Hi over I’m sorry life is so shit for you at the moment. It sounds really tough. Are you going through the menopause? My mood and irritability increased ++++++ when I was.
You seem so adverse to anti depressants - is this from a bad experience?
Life is really crap at times. I’m have been suicidal at times. We all have thoughts but it’s when we start making plans that’s the danger.
I could kick you ex - he could have been financial kinder to you.
I’m sure this is who he is though.
I know your thoughts may have passed but please call The Samaritans.
Im not guilt tripping you (I hope not) I have had suicides in my family and it’s devastating.
Experts would say that depression is anger turned in. Do you get angry. Do you scream and shout in the car when your driving or sing angrily along to music (I do) - it’s helped.
🌺

Viewings were done, I wasn't here nor was DD, who went out. Fri viewer prefers a different house (1930's as opposed to our 1970's one). Haven't had any feedback on the one yesterday but not holding my breathe. I think the EA were just fishing for people to get through the door for the sake of it.
Hoping it doesn't sell right now tbh as the houses I could potentially buy are think on the ground.

Mary1935 - thanks. I think I'm making it more shitty as I'm not handling it well.
I have thought about the menopause thing, but not sure. Most of it isn't helped by my hormones for sure. Although this has been going on for years (I'm mid 40's now) so can't contribute it all to pre menopausal just bloody hormones. That really does seem to be the single factor. Before I had kids I wasn't the happiest person but I think I enjoyed life more. Then bam! I had DS and it went downhill from there.

I have read so much about anti depressants and can't do it. Knowing my luck I'd get all the side effects, none of which I need. I don't want to get hooked. They won't actually solve anything either, I'll still have 2 jobs, shitty money, no dog and have to move.

I do look on the net quite a lot at different sites, getting different perspectives on ending a life. So much to find. You do always get the Samaritans phone number first though, which I find strange and annoying.That won't help me. I don't do talking very easily in person. I find typing on the net (as anonymously as you can get) easier.

I used to get angry. Very angry. And shout. My feelings in the past few years have gone from anger to just despair. I don't shout any more really, if I do it's on my own but very rarely. I used to hit myself and do that infrequently now as well. I'm just more emotional now, I cry a lot. I feel out of control and useless. I go to work in the morning and have too much time to think. That's bad.
Music doesn't make me happy like it seems to for other people. I can't listen to a song and feel better. If I'm down I can't seem to make anything make me feel better. I just go through the motions every day. At the weekend I could really just stay indoors (not so much in bed, as I feel that's wrong unless you're ill, blame my upbringing for that).

Fri viewing said bedrooms were too small and it was worth £265k! We need and want £280K. Yes I admit it needs a new boiler and kitchen (as boiler will leave a gap & kitchen is about 15 yrs old) but that's it, anything else would be personal taste and we shouldn't pay for that. It's a detached house, garage, with plenty of parking and a decent garden. Has plenty of scope for extending if desired. It's not perfect but not exactly crap either.
I'm taking all this personally.

Sat viewing has said it needs a new boiler & kitchen and is thinking about it (son is an architect so is looking at plans apparently.).

Had a surprise viewing this afternoon. 1st time buyers who are renting. They have 2 school age kids (they don't go to the 2 very local primaries so not sure where they go, I didn't see the badge). No idea what they thought as they were only here 5 mins, quick wander round and then off.

The price seems to be the issue but it's up against similar properties that are priced higher (as it needs the work I listed). I could go to £275K but that would be the rock bottom price. Not sure what people want tbh.

On another recent thread someone suggested Brexit uncertainty is the cause for slow house sales. Of course your home is nice and people do like it but they're nervous because of the housing climate.
It's an emotional situation for all involved, sellers and buyers.

It sounds like you've been dealing with depression for a long time. During the years you were together did STBX ever offer any recognition or support for how you were feeling? I can't help but wonder if you've been feeling like you've had to tough it out on your own for a long time.

There are really good online resources out there, forums and groups that focus on the various aspects of mental health. These are people who get it, who can speak from experience, and who can listen well.

Things are certainly slow - for my house anyway. Others are selling.

STBX knew I had issues and said I needed to see a Dr. and he'd come with me if I wanted. Obviously I was never going to go on my own, let alone make an appointment, so nothing happened.
My issues are my problem. His support or recognition was never going to help.
I do remember the last argument over it though, I was rock bottom and shouting and we exchanged words.

I don't follow things through, that's my downfall. I went last yr to the Drs. (when I was given the anti depressants) and never went back. I cancelled the appt for the CBT (as I really don't think that would help, I need proper therapy to delve deeper). I had one physio appt for my shoulder and then cancelled the follow up (shoulder felt better anyway and can't actually be 'cured' as such).
I start processes then when things get real I cancel them. Partly out of fear and partly out of 'can't be bothered' or 'they won't help anyway'.
I am my own worst enemy.

Had another viewing today. Both DD and I were out obviously, so no idea who or what they thought of it.

That's 4 in 5 days. Kinda tiring having to make sure the house looks presentable so often. I want to live normally. But it has to be done.

I can go as low as £275K but that's it. Worried all the time.

Hello, Over. Hope you're getting through your week okay.
You certainly have had a lot of viewings. That's good. It means you're getting interest. Somebody said Boxing Day is the busiest day for online property searches in Britain. The idea being it's best to hang in there, don't lose heart, it's going to happen for you. Have you tried any of ths tricks they recommend, like baking fresh bread when viewers show up? .

Not trying to make light of your worries, of course. Selling a house is terribly stressful. It's the uncertainty. Unfortunately timing is a factor and my recollection is that STBX kept dragging his feet but maybe that was some other legal issue? He procrastinated so many times, it seemed.

It's a combination of time of year plus political climate and other factors that are most likely contributing to the feeling that this is all going very slowly. The speediest way to get your house sold is to drop your price or pull it from the market and try again later, neither of which sound like good options for you.

Or hang in there and know you're doing the best you can. Sometimes that's the way we have to roll, as we all have worries, well, everyone I know does, anyway.

Like I say, it's the uncertainty that is hard to take.
I think at heart we women have to learn more about power or the lack of it in our lives and what we want to do about it. Depression, anger, frustration, and fear are emotions we feel when we feel powerless about our lives. Fixing power issues can be a slow process, one that requires patience. But I think we owe it to ourselves to try.

I really can't be bothered to do anything.
Anything I do goes wrong anyway so why bloody bother?
First it was the gas engineer who didn't bloody turn up the other week.
Then we were supposed to have a viewing on Sunday and they didn't bloody turn up.(they asked about a Sat one but it was too late so we agreed Sunday).

Now my car is taking longer than it should and it may not even be ready today (even though I took it in yesterday). He said there are 2 different versions of the part it could be and he needs to get the right one. He had it earlier this month surely he could have checked and ordered the right one?? Don't get me wrong he's a good guy who really tries his best but it's ridiculous, and getting worse. I hardly ever get the car back the same day. Which is very bloody inconvenient. The whole thing took me 3 hrs total - to take it to the garage, get the train and then walk home, all for an 11 mile journey that takes 25 mins by car. I must have 'mug' written on my bloody forehead. But who else do I take it to who will fix it and won't rip me off??

Picking it up is slightly easier (as I don't need to wait as long to change train half way) but still needs planning as our town has the train leave once, on the hour, meaning I need to know at least 1 hr before the train I need to get, so I can get ready, walk there (25 mins), buy a ticket etc. If he tells me too late today I can't pick it up until tomorrow. Meaning another day of wasting time. Too fecking stressful.
I tell him every time but he doesn't seem to listen.

DD is bloody lazy. If the bin needs emptying or the recycling needs taking out then why not do it? Why does it have to be me?? Although it's always been me, even when other people lived here.

DD went out late yesterday afternoon and gave a rough time she may be back. 1 1/2 hrs later she arrived (she text 45 mins past the rough time she mentioned). If I was going to work I wouldn't be bothered, but I wasn't, and I was cooking dinner. I'm not a fecking hotel. She had all day to go out, it's half term, but no.

I'm just sick of everything. Tired of trying to make life work when it won't. My feelings on this subject are like groundhog day. Won't change. And i'm sick of seeing bloody Samaritan ads every where. Even at the damn train station on the bridges.
I'm biding my time until I can do something about it. A little bit of calm amongst everything else. I know it won't last forever.

I signed all the papers my SOL sent me, I personally took them in so she could get them sent to his SOL's ASAP. She emailed me to say she'd sent them (I gave them to her mid afternoon Fri 19th, she emailed mid day Tues 23rd). The letter she sent with the papers confused me totally, she kept going on about CM and even though he should pay now it wouldn't make sense to challenge it as it will incur more costs, when we already agreed he wouldn't pay until the house was sold. ??? Made no bloody sense at all. It's like I say one thing and she doesn't even listen.

She seems to take SO much time between receiving anything from STBX's SOL and actually dealing with it so I can sign/acknowledge it. I know she has other clients but surely you should deal with things in a timely manner. I mean she emailed a few weeks ago, on the Friday, to apologise, she thought she'd sent something back to them on the MONDAY and realised she hadn't but had now done it. ??? The papers I signed last week had been dated 9th Oct so no idea when she got them.

To be honest I have no idea what the hell happens now or what she meant in her letter, that even though the court will take time to deal with the matter, we can 'move forward with the Order'. Um, I thought I signed the Consent Order papers that get sent by STBX's SOL to the court so they can stamp it? Or was that something else? I am confused. But I can't ask my SOL what the hell she means as it will cost me £21 for the privilege.

So far I have no faith in my SOL, there seems to be a delay with dealing with things, and I have no faith in ANY SOL going forward as they seem to charge for EVERY little thing, either done by me or them. It's a bloody rip off.
My SOL is well respected though, so I don't understand.

It's just dragging and I get the feeling if my SOL was more 'on the ball' it would have taken less time and money. At this rate I won't even be divorced by bloody Xmas, as STBX won't apply until the court has approved the Consent Order.

I don't like it when people say one thing and do another, or don't do it at all. Why offer? Or even ignore me?? My Sis is like this. She says I'll list this stuff for you, then doesn't actually do it. Why ask then? Or I email her and she doesn't reply. I never know where I stand tbh. Is she angry with me for something I don't know I've done? I am not a communicator. Never have been. I can go weeks without talking to people. It's just me. Either because I have nothing to say or I just don't want to, if I feel like sh*t why would I want to talk to people? I thought she understood this.

It's like Xmas, last yr I told her I wanted to stay at home, be alone. She tried to get everyone to talk me out of it, but it didn't work. So she got mad at me as I didn't go, didn't talk to me for a while, even though I told her I wasn't going to go. Isn't my opinion and feeling important?? Isn't it my decision to make?? (others didn't understand it either, invited me round for lunch but they respected me decision not to go).
I hate Xmas now. Too commercial and there's no fun in it for me. It's just another day. I'd even work but the shop is shut. It's not the same as it was. My mum is gone. My marriage is gone. My DS didn't come home last yr. I haven't got the money to do anything special. I hate the pressure of buying gifts, which is why I suggested we don't do gifts any more. It's always swapping one gift card for another. Pointless. My Dad and BIL agreed. My Sis? Still buys gifts....

Car is done. He did explain that the part was late (accident on one of the roads holding it up) but it's done now. Just 15 mins too late for me to get the train though. Yes it doesn't leave til 5pm but I have to get there and buy a ticket, meaning I'd have to rush. Not worth it, I'll get it in the morning. I have food shopping to buy so we can do that. Need to make a list and stick to it.
I just wish I didn't waste my days - or time off. I feel I have to do something but I don't. Nothing. (I did look at the cinema listings and didn't see anything. Good job I didn't plan it as we'd have to walk, another 25 mins, there and then back).

I'm sad to hear you feel so beat down. You have so many disappointments. You mention Christmas often. It seems to stand for something you feel you have lost. I wonder if it was Christmas when you were little or perhaps when your children were little?

The gift exchange has become a social ritual that is very costly for most people, yet they do it anyway. I think it is good for children to have that magical experience but for adults it feels somewhat forced. It would be more meaningful to volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas, as there are people who really need a hand.

Your daughter needs you. Kids stay kids much longer nowadays. She needs you and you need her. Sons can be more of a challenge, from what I can see. A giant helping of patience is needed!

Xmas is just expensive and isn't special. The kids are older. My mum died at the end of Jan a few yrs ago now. We spent her last xmas watching her in pain. I just can't get in the spirit. Maybe in a few yrs I will, I don't know.

I was watching TV earlier, sitting on the sofa. Crying. Not at the TV as such, just randomly. I feel alone. I'd just read another email from my SOL asking for account costs. I have replied saying I can cover the 'amount due' but I can't afford to put any more on account for future purposes. I haven't got it and I can't keep asking my Dad, that's pathetic. I've wanted to cut the contract for a while and I've asked her how I do that. The papers have been sent to the court so hopefully that's pretty much the end anyway.

It's the last week of working as part of a team in the evening. All change from Monday, when they get called up to sign their redundancy papers.

Nothing more to say as things are the same as always. I just pull everyone down. I need to keep to myself. As before. That's life.