Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I know my life is in my control. If I want it to change I need to change it.
I can't. and suspect I don't want to. Changing it would mean going to see someone, and as reading this has highlighted, I really can't see any one. If i went in and said I want to end my life legally, they'd give me anti depressants and tell me to come back in 3 weeks. Yet I know what I want. But no one will listen. And I can't do anything about it as I really haven't got the courage.
Why do people always think the know best even though it may not be best for me?

Well, no, most people aren't going to endorse you being a risk to yourself. That would be wrong, plain and simple. And I do know what depression looks like and feels like.

Something has distorted your perception of yourself as a valued person. At first I thought that was a natural outcome of the divorce. But from things you've said, I think it started earlier. You're saying no to every door out whether open or closed. It doesn't make any difference, you seem to say...

I'm so sorry you lost your mother. It must have very sad for you to see her in pain. There is this undeniable connection we have with our mothers. I didn't know how deep that bond was until I lost my own mother.

It is amazing how much that relationship impacts every part of your life. It's so primal.

I don't mean endorse it no, just accept it as my ideal of my wants.

I was thinking yesterday, while watching a programme I'd recorded about someone who'd gone 'off grid' so to speak and living their dream, that I'm mid 40's and i haven't actually accomplished anything. They'd climbed Everest, and while I know I couldn't do that, I'm not sure whether anything I've done I'd be proud of. I have climbed a little mountain in Wales, a few yrs ago now, but my Dad also did it and we got passed by a guy going up who was about 80 and in full stride. So that doesn't count to me.

I look at things, either online or in real life, and while I'd love to to do them I also love being at home with the doors shut, people out there while I'm in here. It's safe.

I think I've been damaged for a while. I was more confident when I was younger but getting married and having kids seemed to be the turning point. I didn't get stronger, I had an excuse to shut myself away. My moods changed etc. Can't control them now.

I did have a doozy of a headache during the night the other night. Directly behind my left eye, nowhere else. Pills took a while to kick in. Off topic.

We don't have a large family. In fact it's my Dad, my sister/BIL, my kids and me. Yes my Dad has a cousin (her brother died) but they are in no way close. Both my parents were only children so no extended family there. My mum was the one who 'did' Xmas. Yes my Dad always cooked (it was her day off so to speak, even though he did cook at other times, that was his speciality). But she did the shopping, the cards, organisation etc.. My Dad tries, as does my Sis, but it's not the same.
Then 2 Xmas's ago we obviously had to tell the kids we were getting a divorce. They were fine, I was not. The 1st yr that we went 'our separate ways' for Xmas.

I am one for linking things, a song will remind me, a programme will remind me. I don't forget. I'm a martre I guess. I live in the past too much. Guess I'd rather go back to my child years and relive everything.

I've always liked stories about people who do the unexpected, like the mailman who climbs Everest or the woman who crosses the ocean in a rowboat, that kind of thing. I've also liked stories by people who wander the more remote parts of Great Britain, preferably with a cat in tow, getting about in an ancient van, meeting interesting people but not sticking around long enough to be annoyed by them. Dare to find your inner eccentric!

Have you ever tried an icepack on your neck for headache? A nurse told me to try that and it really helps, it's better than pills for me. Hope you feel better now.

It sounds like your mother was at the center of your family, making it come together. I feel nostalgia for my grandmother, whatever magic there was around holidays, she was the one who brought it. I really wish I had her gift for that but I don't.

I have to endure holidays and just try to get through them. Some of it is because I can't possibly recreate the ideal that my grandmother gave me. She was amazing at setting the stage for us all to join together and actually have a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving. I couldn't do that if I tried, we've all scattered to the four winds!

I'm sure I have an inner eccentric, but it's probably worried about looking stupid or failing.

I tried a cold flannel while lying down trying to sleep waiting for the pills to kick in. Didn't even make a difference. Normally it helps but this headache was a tough one.

I just seem want to go back to when my memories were better. I don't mind being an adult, I just don't think I'm very good at it.

Today is the last evening we all work together as a team in the evening. Then on Monday they all get their papers and leave. Leaving 2 of us going forward. Going to be a weird one.

Had a viewing yesterday. Scheduled for 3pm so I decided to go out. I thought coming back at about 3.30pm was safe. As I pulled up on the drive way the EA was opening the front door. They'd been in there 1/2 hr. No way of knowing if it's a good or bad sign, as sometimes you can get talking and time just moves on.

I've been asked by another EA if we've considered adding another agent into the mix, which I have and did suggest to STBX a few weeks ago, before the current contract ran out. He said he'd see how it went. I've heard nothing back and I won't be mentioning it again. I have done enough and he's just sat back and waited. If he wants to sort another agent out then fine, I have no objections, and he knows that. I have enough on my plate right now.

You must be doing something right for them to have kept you on at the job? Companies do like to have one person do the work of two so you'll have to watch out for that.

Do you get migraines? Or get headaches when there is a pressure change? I get both but find the latter are actually worse as I get older. Stress is always a factor. Think you're under a little extra stress perhaps? Job changing, holidays soon, the house sale, it's a stressful time.

Viewers sticking around for 1/2 hour is a sign of interest, certainly. If they did make an offer are you psychologically prepared for it? You're very lucky to have a daughter around to help with the transition. Now I wish I had half a dozen daughters to wait on me hand and foot, LOL. Wouldn't work that way, I know, but it's fun to imagine what it would like to have your own girl gang.

It had nothing to do with keeping good people, it was about money. They're saving millions by changing the hours people work. It's a drop in the ocean for a company that big though. They've lost a bloody good team who actually work. How is that progression??

Still don't understand life. People are so willing to help you live but not help you die? Why? It's not their life choice so why worry about it? Not every decision is about mental health. It's something that's been thought about for a long time. People would rather I live in this state rather than die in peace? How is that humane?? I've been thinking all day and I still don't understand it. People act like you should be grateful for what you have as there is always someone else who has less. Believe me, if I could trade a life for a life I would. I see all these stories about young men or women dying when they seem to have everything to live for. I would gladly trade. But that apparently isn't the way it works. I just need the courage. One day I will have it. :)

Hi itsovernow you seem to spend a lot of time on your own thinking - is this the case.
Suicide is never easy - if it was many of us wouldn’t be here.
Life is shit at times.
You do need to think about your children. They wouldn’t want you to die I’m absolutely bloody sure of that.
I’ve had two siblings kill themselves as you never get over it. They both had schizophrenia.
When you where married did you feel like this.
You keep saying you don’t want any side effects of any anti depressants - but your prepared to die without trying.
Are you over 50 as there are some active for health activities for free.
There are Universities of the third age that do course. There are meetup groups. Some of these things are free.
Do you have any friends?
You sound like you are becoming more insular.
I’m concerned for you.

I'm afraid we're not professionals, just concerned people. I am also sure your daughter needs you very much indeed. We have to think of her well-being, too. No one can support actions which would certainly cause her so much distress.

Another viewing tomorrow. Had one Sat but haven't had feedback. Seems to be norm now. Viewing, good/bad/no feedback then another viewing - repeat....

I didn't want to read and run the last couple of days but it has been hard to know how to respond. I wanted to think carefully before saying anything that might upset you further. I'm not an expert, just someone who is concerned, just like Mary.

It might be a good idea to remember that others who are vulnerable need to know there is help available. Since I'm not familiar with your systems and hotlines and so forth maybe someone here can help provide this information?

Over, there has to be some part of you that knows you need to talk to someone IRL. As Mary says you don't just harm yourself, you harm the people who love you and need you. I hope you can see that.

Right now it sounds as if all you see are shadows. You are sounding increasingly insular. It really is important that you talk to someone IRL. Let a family member know how you are feeling. I am totally sure that is what they would want. Give them a chance.

The turmoil that you are experiencing on the job right now is really, really stressful. No, it doesn't make any sense to dissolve a good team. The job was a place of stability for you. Then they pulled the rug out from under you. It's okay to feel angry, disappointed, hurt by the whole thing. They really ought to offer counseling to the workers impacted by these "business" decisions.

We've seen it here, too, how people who are expected to give their all to the job on one day are displaced the next. This is not a trivial thing, especially as you are already in a vulnerable place. Still, I really, really believe you can get through this difficult time if you will let others help. Don't try to go it alone.

Hi itsover- it must be monotonous people coming and going from your property. Your place must be sellable as your getting various viewings.
Change is difficult and you have undergone a lot recently.
Yes it’s hard to change but not impossible.
I recently bought a book - Louise Hay - You can heal your life.
It is quite good.
I think your very fearful and angry. As depression can be caused by anger being turned inwards. Can you let it out in a healthy way - do you cry.
I’ve thought of killing myself but as I have a child I personally could not leave him with this legacy.
Your children love you - you seem close to your Dad - when he are depressed our thinking is schewed and we think in a very negative way.
My local MIND has a crisis line or you could call the Samaritans- they just let you talk. 🌺

Thank you for your kind words, no need to be concerned.

That's the thing, I'm not upset, I'm calm now.
I don't find talking helps. It just involves other people who, yes, can offer advice but it can't help. I see no positivity from it. I have spent the past 18 months (nrly 2 yrs) waling on about this and that to my family, they all have their own problems. It's not just mental (as that is what most people think is the issue) it's physical as well. Not illness. I'm lucky there but things that aren't 'right' are playing a part. Sorry that's cryptic.

I can wait until DD sorts college out, her last stint was interrupted by STBX and I don't want to do that again. When she goes to Uni things will be different.

Last night was strange. Everyone came in to sign their papers and then they left.
They waited until they had all finished their final interviews then came down to say goodbye en mass. Luckily it was after the shop was shut. Me and the other lady, who is staying, did quite well until it came to the goodbyes and they all started hugging us. Then I went and she went. We both knew we would tbh. Very strange. Then we got to leave early as the new 'manager' (I use that term loosely, he's never managed any one before and isn't really our department manager either) didn't feel well so wanted to leave earlier than normal.

The new 'manager' is a bit weird as well. He's a liar (proved) and has said some questionable things about people just because he can. He told others in the store that he had to shout at us a few weeks ago - when our now redundant boss was on holiday for a week - and that he even got the shop manager involved to speak to us. Totally BS. We all were a little confused as none of us recollect that evening..... That's quite mild compared to other things he's said. Makes me nervous. He could say anything to any one. 2 of the women who left last night did put their opinions across to the shop manager while having their last interviews but I doubt anything will be done, too late now anyway.

We have our normal proper early shift tomorrow. We're just going to get the work done and leave it at that.

Just wanted to add, my kids will be fine. My DS has a BF and a new life/family up north. DD finds me annoying most of the time and she'll have her dad and new step mum. We're not as close as we could be.

I'm still trying to make this cheap house thing work.
If my Dad gives me money now then should he pass in the next 7 yrs (fingers crossed the answer is no as he's still fighting fit mid 70s) inheritance tax will apply. Which is unfair as my sister will be the one inheriting everything (although I want my Gt nans watch and locket, which my mum wanted me to have, unfortunately she only told me a week before she died, while my dad was speaking to my ex out of earshot. I think dad only knows about the locket). I couldn't afford to pay anything at that point - unless I win the lottery, minimum wage is pretty pathetic - so I don't know what to suggest. If he changes his will so I am not mentioned will that make any difference? I'm thinking not, as it's done on his whole 'estate'.
I could have made it work had DD lived with STBX but that's obviously a no go (as mentioned hundreds of times before).
I really don't want to lose my job in the future. It's like being back to square one. So many things going round.

I understand why STBX was always stressed. I never helped. And job security these days is crap.

I’m worried about “the calm”- I’m seriously wondering if you have made up your mind to kill yourself. People usually feel at peace once they have.
I’m a mental health nurse.
You seem to have physical health issues - have you got these checked out.
Sorry your new manager is a wanker. There are lots around.
I don’t understand how your sister will inherit everything?
Your dad is likely to live for the next 7 years. We are living longer.
I wish I could give you a hug itsover.
🌺

I'm supposed to get notices of new posts but haven't been.

Do you think you push people away, Over? I suspect other people make you feel prickly and annoyed much of the time. It's possible you send out signals that say "stay away" as a way to protect yourself. Then you feel isolated. Stress makes it worse. It becomes a vicious circle that leads to the kind of despair you describe. The raw state you're in is making you very sensitive to bumps from others, many of which are unintentional transgressions, just people being careless.

Average people are...average. They hardly ever mean harm, they're just in their own bubble. If you are a sensitive person, you notice things the average person does not. So one step at a time. You need to get through the house sale, first and foremost.

I'm just trying to get through things right now. Off work yesterday as I just couldn't get up without feeling dizzy/sick. That happened a few months ago as well but it was a weekend so not a big deal. This time I had to take a sick day, something I haven't done since I started both jobs.

I'm just stressed. I have no clue what to do. We had an offer from the couple who came round for the 3rd time. It was lower than I needed so I just told the EA that and what I would accept. They matched it. STBX would have just accepted the low offer. Now i need to find somewhere to live. We saw 3 today but none of them felt right.
I just need to get DD settled and see through college.

My physical stuff isn't anything to worry a doctor about. For one thing they can't do anything and I wouldn't go through with it if they could. It's all just annoying to me.

My Sis will inherit everything as I've had my inheritance so to speak. My parents bailed me and the ex out a few yrs ago now, so we could move into this house. And now this new bail out for me to move again. I just wish I didn't need it.

I don't like socialising as I can't do it. I don't talk much, mainly as I don't have anything to say. I don't 'dress up' like others do to go out. I don't have the clothes to do that. I just don't have that in me.
People do annoy me yes. I criticize everything. I know I'm doing it but can't stop it and like to be alone so I can do it freely without annoying others.

I just wish it would all stop. I can't relax and I still have a headache.The new evening work hours aren't helping. I should eat lunch but I'm not hungry so I have a jam sandwich for dinner (during the 15 min break). I need a routine but I find it difficult. I really am confused by everything.

Well done itsover for sticking to the asking price and getting it. It’s all very stressful buying and selling. You will find something. Are you looking for a house or a flat. We looked at about 20 before we bought this house.
Sorry to hear you are feeling stressed.
People annoy me - sometimes I out and people get in my way I’m screaming “fuck off”
I used to be very critical and push people away but I had a lot of therapy.
Are you drinking enough fluids during the day. Do you take pain killers for the headache.
Yes your eating isn’t great. Could you have beans on toast or eggs on toast or some chicken.
Do you get out for a walk during the day.
I’m sorry life is difficult. Do you enjoy anything?

I'm really glad you got an acceptable offer. This is a big step forward.
Now you have the fun of picking a new place. I know, "fun" is probably not how you would describe it. But no matter what place you get, it will be yours to do with as you will, with no baggage, no triggers, just a fresh start. That's a wonderful thing.

There's a lot of emphasis on having a people-pleasing personality in our society, Over. Erich Fromm wrote about this. So if we're kind of prickly, we feel like we don't fit in easily. The first step to some sort of happiness lies in accepting yourself.

Rollo May wrote that happiness comes from not expecting too much from others, just accepting them for who they are. If you have high expectations, you're likely to be disappointed. Disappointment makes us cranky and sad.

I think we all have to watch out for bitterness as we age. We have a lot of unconscious expectations that are not going to get met. I think we invest heavily in the idea that things will be better for our kids, for example. There's nothing wrong with that, except it's not realistic. If for no other reason, we are living in a time and place where the economy works against most of us, including our kids.

In any case, you want to get that headache checked out. Any headache that lasts that long could be something serious. You need to conserve energy to find your new place!

Hoping that once all the legal stuff from divorce is behind you, you can get excited about a new life. Now with DD but eventually on your own.
Pick a house that’s floor plan meets your needs, you can decorate in the future, and remodel as you can afford.
Once you alone, are responsible for your finances, I think you will find peace.
Good luck 💐

Well back to square one.
Yesterday the EA was leaving a voicemail asking how my house hunting was going as the buyer wanted to wrap things up quickly and this morning I get another voicemail telling me the offer had been withdrawn due to the 'buyer' having another shot at buying their 1st choice house that had come back on the market. What the hell??

Knew from the start the buyer would make it difficult, guess I should be glad we hadn't spent any money on a solicitor before they pulled out.
Cancelled the 4 viewings I had organised for Fri/Sat as there's no point now. I can't view places knowing I can't offer if we like them. And so we start all over again. Such a waste of time. That couple were a pain from start to finish tbh. And all he can say is 'sorry'.

I will email STBX telling him if he wants to organise another EA he can do it himself. I am so stressed with both jobs and the house stuff right now I just can't. The thought of having to show the bloody house again fills me with dread. STBX can organise things by phone/email etc. and I'll show the EA around to take pictures. Pain in the fecking arse. Not sure how much more I can take tbh. I just want some end in sight - of anything. The divorce/financial stuff could take until the end Dec (bloody Bury St. Edmunds office backed up, as usual) or even longer. Happy 2bloody019 huh?