Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Tapir, it's completely understandable to have low times.I had similar and think Easter/Spring has made me feel more lonely.Its seems like the time to be out doing fun things as a couple or family.

Imagine you had been physically hit by a bus you would expect days of no energy.I feel divorcing is massive shock to our emotions.It will get better but it's a journey for a while.

One area where stbxh and I haven't had conflict was dc' s but he's blocked something dc wanted to do as it's on his time.I later found out he didn't have the greatest weekend so suspect he is taking it out on me/dc.
It's helpful to see his behaviour as like Tapir I was missing my old life but it brought it back to reality.

Knitted, hope you are feeling better...there will be solutions so keep the faith.

Tapir totally normal to have low times, it's all a bit of a rollercoaster. Maybe it's the time of year too. I've been really down for a couple of weeks. One thing I've started this week that helps a little is having a notepad and each day I write 3 things that I've enjoyed/am grateful for/should be proud of - it's mostly little things that most people might find silly but it does seem to be helping pull me out of my slump and helps me see I'm not falling into my anxiety and putting things off.

Hope everyone is ok today.

Hanging in there atm it seems never ending.

Not too great today. The child is likely to be born today or tomorrow. I don't know how to get through this.
Added to that my neighbours are being awful! I'm ignoring them. I can't take any more....

Dawn - keep on keeping on!

Somuchhurt - I can't imagine how difficultthis must be for you. Do you have family/friends around who can support you?

somuch I really feel.for you, it must be so tough.

dawn agree with never ending. Being right at the start I can't see an end in sight at all. Husband is back tracking again and despite how awful he's been, it's hard not to think it'd be easier to just stay together.

I'm going to start keeping a diary as I need to remind myself of the shit.

Hi all, just dropping into this thread to give everyone a hand hold.
I'm actually nearly there. The Nisi has been to court, the house is sold and financial agreement agreed by us. Just waiting for STBXH to sign it. I'm having a massive wobble though as I am worried he won't sign it, it is very much in my favour and there is no incentive for him to sign it - he has his money now.

It's only been 7 months, I am still in denial and can't believe this is my life now.

After a couple of weeks of calm everything exploded last night. I'm so glad I'm at work today!

Bliss - if you have agreed the finances why do you think he won't sign it?

Jaffa - hope you're ok

Bliss, has he sought legal advice? If he has I suspect it will be fine.Worry would be if he went to a solicitor who might ask for it to be reviewed.
Accepting the money is hopefully some agreement as well..however it's not easy to trust an ex!

Somuch, it must feel awful.I hope you have real life support.Vent as much as you need here.

Notaloota, I believe a marriage should be worked on if no abuse.I started a journal and it was after 4 years of increasingly bad behaviour that I drew a line..it wasn't a blip, it wasn't a phase due to stresses etc and at no point did stbxh show compassion towards me, mostly contempt.
I know you have young babies so it's tough to go alone.Give yourself time, get counselling or read books (if new baby allows!!).I hope you are supported whatever you choose.

Jaffa, does your stbxh have mental health issues? He does seem erratic.

My stbxh has started counselling, not sure it's to give him insight, I suspect it's to reinforce his belief he's the victim.
I have a court date...months away but at least a timeline.
I am feeling ok, I do feel hormones play a part at times..pmt seems to be worse with stress.

I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions (and failing!) by keeping busy. I keep telling myself that I can't stop it from happening and I just have to accept it. It hurts beyond belief though 🙁 7 months ago we were (as far as I knew) a happy family. 3 months ago he left and now he is having another child. This is an awful, confusing and emotional time for the boys and I. Yet again, I will be the one who has to get them through this bit.
I do think it's sad for that child though, to be born as a result of lies, hurt and deceit. To have people in the world who are not happy about its birth. That's quite awful 🙁

I can't quite believe that this has been 7 months! Surely it can't be good for me, being this stressed for that long!

Somuch, it's really not good for continued stress, adrenal faigue can be caused by running on adrenalin for too long.Can you find ways to destress..yoga or just youtube mediation.

I was thinking earlier that the poor child in these circumstances.It feels like a mess and a situation you would expect from teens not adults.
It must have rocked your world but your ex can't be in a good place, no matter what he says or does.
You and the children are very much the innocents in this situation and no one ever imagines this happening to them.Time will be the healer..I truly wish time machines existed to transport you forwards.

Hello all. Lending my support and an ear to you all :)
Yy to keeping a diary. I have been writing every day since we moved to the new place, I find it a tremendous help. And it also helps not boring everybody with what I'm going through.
Wishing you all strenght. Jaffa, what happened?

Let me tell you what puzzles me tonight.
For a couple of years I have been really really hot on my finances, saved like mad, got ourselves a new place, furniture, the lot, including savings. Then I kept a tight grip on the budget till after Christmas.
Since then, the money seem to just...dissapear into thin air! I have about £9 till I get paid in a few days and I always used to have some left, not huge amounts, but I could do a food shop, say, few days before getting paid. Now not only do I not have that, but the credit card has £160 on it!!!
Arrrgh, need to get back on track. And ditch the credit card! Or something. I always do a bit of extra work, for money to put aside, but that dissapears pretty fast too!!! Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Having a boyfriend and doing fun things doesn't help either. We booked a few days away, we took a little road trip, booked a concert...at the same time I keep telling myself I need to have a bit of fun in my life too. Oh, and I run out of mascara, shampoo, facecream, eyeliner, toothpaste...I used to be so on the ball with all these!!

Hello all sorry I missed so many updates. Jaffa, SoMuch hope you are managing OK this evening.
"here's the divorce you wanted" ...I served the petition today. What a milestone, its horrible. House goes on market the weekend . Still, I challenged myself to go to a pub event to meet acquaintances tonight, spent nearly all of it on my own but feel much better for doing it. Better get used to it! Finance mediation next...good to hear it can be done and dusted Bliss, but yes, massive wobbles coming I think.
Regarding journals/blogs...this is mine

I wish I could wave a magic wand and it be all wonderful again for all of us. Actually, Hermione's suggestion of a time machine would be great (except my boys are growing too fast!)
Life is soooo confusing!
So, he came back with our 14 yr old son yesterday after a week away, a day early because 'things' were happening. I didn't see him as I was on my way back from swimming with our youngest son. A lovely friend invited us over for dinner so we went (after I shifted a massive amount of logs for the fence people to replace the fence today). We got back at 8.30 and he messaged to ask if he could come over as he hadn't had a chance to see me or our youngest earlier. So she obviously wasn't in labour or he wouldn't have come over. Would he? He arrived with a huge bunch of flowers for me!! Then he gave me the biggest hug, a lovely hug (which he does do but I'm so aware of the boundaries!) It was like he really needed it too. Then he spent a couple of hours with us and it was all quite normal, hugged me again (he doesn't in front of the boys and I wouldn't let him, too confusing for them) and didn't seem to want to leave. He did eventually.
I'm really trying not to overthink it. Even if he did want to come back, it's all way too complicated now and I couldnt risk the hurt to myself or the boys.
I do think he realises that he had a perfectly wonderful family and he is regretting his actions but sadly it's too late. He's hurt us all deeply.
I just don't get it. He doesn't want to be with her, he doesn't want a baby, but he is doing it out of guilt and duty. I always said he'd be better being in his own for a while to get his head sorted out but she gave him an ultimatum.
His most definitely is a mid life crisis! He had a good life here and he screwed it up, big time. It's all just so confusing but I have to keep myself grounded to protect myself.
I guess I just have to let him get on with it and either he wil be unhappy or it'll all explode for him. That feels sad and I so wish he hadn't chosen this path but there is nothing I can do about it....

And now I must shower and dress as I have fencing men coming! And 2 extra 12 year old boys this afternoon.

Well guess what SoMuch, stbxh has just told me he's going to counselling, "as I can't relate to people"...suggested he should have tried that before he ruined our family! Twat. Of course I blame myself now for not trying to talk to him more intelligently..but he's always snapped my head off. Oh shit.

I'm not entirely sure what happened on Wed night. I needed to talk to him about stuff re oldest DD but it ended up in a huge argument with him threatening violence over me again. This is now a regular thing but it is all words. It also turns out that we have not agreed how we are moving forward. I though we had come to an agreement where we would sell the house and get half each and we will spit the matrimonial pensions. This means however I will get a very small place to live with the girls and he can get a much bigger place as he can drawdown money from his pension and he can still get a mortgage ( I don't earn enough for a mortgage and am too young to drawdown any pension). I've been telling people how excited I am about getting a wee place for the three of us and it has got back to him. I think he is worried about what people will think when they see him in a nice big house and see the three of us in a wee house in not so great an area. It isn't any concern over us, he's just worried what people will think of him! I, on the other hand, will be delighted with what I get as it will be away from him and I can make any house a home.

He has said that we will sell the house and wait to see how much we will get for it and then he might give me a bit more for a bit less pension so we can get a better house. The figure he has in mind however isn't that much. I am very unhappy with this as firstly it is dependant on how much we get for the house so I won't know what houses to look at buying and secondly he has changed his mind once again, so what will he be saying in a fortnights time.

I ended up in tears but he didn't see that. When I went to work I was still upset but soon relaxed into my job and was happy at work.

He did say that he was not going to do anything to my timescale and I just have a feeling that he has a grand plan and is going to keep playing mind games until he sees it out.

He continues to accuse me of having MH problems which I know I don't after years of realising it is his EA that has made me think I have problems, IYSWIM. His behaviour is very erratic at the moment - he will suddenly punch his laptop screen when it doesn't do what he wants it to do as quickly as he wants it to do. He shouts racist abuse at the TV when certain people come on, last night he went out to pick up oldest DD and he revved the car and skidded away - we live in a wee quiet cul de sac.

STBXH, if you read this, yes, I do think you have MH problems most likely a personality disorder as people just don't behave the way you do.

At the moment I am exhausted as the argument has drained all my energy but I am going to continue trying to get the house into a sellable state so that it can go on the market as soon as he decides what he wants.

SoMuchHurt what you are going through with your ex, OW and the new baby sounds unbearable.
I wonder if the OWs pg is reminding your ex of the times when you were pg with his kids, and it is making him feel guilty for what he has done to you.
As my DMum says, you have to "sit with the grief".There's no short cut through it but it will get better. Feeling grief for the loss of the relationship is not the same as wanting him back. Stay strong and don't let him back in whatever you do. To be extremely cynical, he's not going to be getting much sex from her right now and I wouldn't be surprsied if he tried it on with you.

SoMuch - strength to you. He's fucked up royally and he's feeling the consequences now. Can I suggest you tell him no flowers and no hugs? That's naughty and you're vulnerable

Jaffa - you're right, normal people do not act like your sTBXH. He may well have a personality disorder. You say he's not been physical with you yet, please be careful because I thought mine wouldn't... He's losing control of you so stay safe

I had a lovely dream last night. It was me and sTBXH but we were younger and dating. I really wanted to dump him. He was telling me he doesn't like me wearing short skirts, I was furious. We had an argument and I said is this a break up speech. He said yes. I jumped up and said 'thank god for that lets go'. I felt the world lift from my shoulders and I was so happy.

I'm hoping the dream is a sign! or maybe it's a cruel twist. I should hear any day now if he's replied to the petition.

My dad used to sing an old fashioned song all the time. It keeps going through my head, it goes : please release me, let me go. For I don't love you anymore.

Hello ladies , it seems as though lots of us are having a tough time at the moment so in the absence of a stbxh miraculously metamorphosing into a decent bloke smiley here's some and for us all instead...

SoMuch Your situation sounds really horrendous, particularly with your X continuing to blur boundaries. He's behaving really unfairly imho and appears to be following The Script in wanting to have his cake and eat it. I would agree with ANewDawn that you need to tell him to back off, although I appreciate how hard that is when you still have feelings for him and are feeling so awful

Jaffa It's interesting you say you think your X might have a personality disorder - I'm almost convinced mine does, he just seems utterly devoid of any emotion at all. I've been reading the "How to co-parent with a narc X" thread and so much of it resonates!

Just when I think he can't stoop any lower he somehow manages to surprise me and the onslaught of shit is seemingly never ending. Highlights over the last week or so include my receiving the draft divorce petition, which despite his claims via text that we had "major problems" (which he somehow failed to mention before he left!) he had clearly felt the need to entirely fabricate my unreasonable behaviours. If it wasn't all so tragic it would be almost laughable.

He also duped DS into meeting OW (and her DD) against his will and deposited 14 year old DD in a strange city 90 minutes from home to enable her to spend 36 unsupervised hours with her 17 year old boyfriend

We were supposed to have our first mediation appointment together next month but I have told them I need to postpone as after how despicably he 's behaved with the kids I literally cannot stomach the thought of being in the same room as him.

JM I commented on your other thread about the issues you've had with STBXH. Shocking

Somuch definitely need to have some boundaries put in place. I would suggest that he doesn't come in your house and you only communicate regarding child contact. The less contact the better, it really will help you.

JonnyMarr I would go mad if that had happened with my boys. Thankfully I think he has the sense not to as they have specifically said they don't want to meet her.
Have they no sense!? Our youngest especially has said he doesn't trust his dad, he loves him but he doesn't trust him, that would just shatter any trust. What did your children say? And to leave a 14 year old to her own devices!