Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

I've spent a lot of time wondering how my DSs now view their Dad.

If my Dad had done to my Mum what STBXH did to me, I would have refused to have anything to do with him.

I know people like to bring out the 'he's still their Dad' line, but how far does that actually go? Just because someone is your parent, are you meant to overlook any transgressions?

I agree NotJanine, I feel responsible for shaping my dc (especially son) to have good values and that can't mean excusing his dad's behaviour.I would be horrified if my son acted like stbxh to his wife so I speak to him about what is acceptable.

JM, I received a petition from ex which was vile, especially since I wanted the divorce. It helped convince me stbxh is not a good person.He was surprised and hurt when I said I couldn't be friends with him after such a petition.It was changed but the damage had been done.I really wanted the divorce to be amicable so we could have a good coparenting relationship but his Victim mentality is just too strong.

Tapir, how are you?
Jaffa, you sound so strong and your humour shines through.
So much, my friends husband had an affair and was heading back to his wife. The OWs dad made him stay with OW! The mess some men can make of their lives through following emotions.

SoMuch DS told X that he didn'the want to meet OW but X decided, in his infinite wisdom, to take him to meet her nonetheless. So within less than 24 hours of learning of her existence poor DS had to spend the day with her and her DD. As if X hadn't handled things badly enough DS came home and said that he'd felt that his dad paid more attention to OW and her DD than to him and asked if he loves her kid now more than he loves him. It broke my heart.

NJ, exactly! Regardless of what's going on between us and his continuing fuckwittery I've done all I can to support and facilitate his relationship with the DC but I'm damned if I'm going to continue doing so to their detriment.

I've finally contacted a counsellor today, am seriously struggling to cope with it all.

SoMuch DS told X that he didn'the want to meet OW but X decided, in his infinite wisdom, to take him to meet her nonetheless. So within less than 24 hours of learning of her existence poor DS had to spend the day with her and her DD. As if X hadn't handled things badly enough DS came home and said that he'd felt that his dad paid more attention to OW and her DD than to him and asked if he loves her kid now more than he loves him. It broke my heart.

NJ, exactly! Regardless of what's going on between us and his continuing fuckwittery I've done all I can to support and facilitate his relationship with the DC but I'm damned if I'm going to continue doing so to their detriment.

I've finally contacted a counsellor today, am seriously struggling to cope with it all.

well done for getting a counsellor JM

I think the impact of these situations on your mental health is massively underestimated. I've seen 3 counsellors but didn't click with any of them. Iv'e now gone to a psychologist instead.

Your poor boy
I've had to again have the discussion with the boys father today about what happens if the boys never want to meet this woman or the baby. He says there would be something really wrong if they never did. I said there is something really wrong, this whole situation! Right now they want nothing to do with his other life, they don't want two lives. If they don't, then he has to have two separate lives. He did this, not them. I don't think they have to meet her or the child! Their choice and he has to live with it.

JM I'm seeing a counsellor but my problem is that there are too many problems!! I don't seem able to work through anything because there is too much. I'm not sure she's the right one for me as she doesn't seem to get me to focus on one thing at a time, but I don't think I can change as I'm getting the sessions on our health insurance.

Jonny that's appalling what your stbxh did no proper parenting...good for you to be strong. Someone said on another thread how men act first and consider consequences later, women fret in advance...seems a lot of us are seeing that now.
Agree less contact the better, of course am still in same house as stbxh not ideal but we can keep apart.
Johnny have you had your separate meeting with mediator already ? What was that like I don't really see the point but that's what ours is doing??

I really need to rethink how I'm handling stuff here for the boys. I thought I was doing ok ish. We are close, they absolutely know that I'm here for them 100% but I never know if I'm talking to them too much or waiting for them to come to me too much.
My 14 year old came and talked to me last night and asked if I could arrange counselling for him 🙁 He's the one I thought was handling it better. He's quite mature and so switched on emotionally but he has little self esteem and confidence unless he's around people who he feels totally relaxed with. He's an incredible boy, all of them are, but he just doesn't believe that people like him. It's so sad that he can't see how amazing he is but I totally get that. He said his dad had talked about the baby coming last week whilst they were away together (youngest refused to go) but I have no idea how his father handled that! He rarely speaks to them about the situation, preferring to pretend all is fine and acting the clown etc. I'm the emotional support, and I always will be, but it's bloody hard.
I sent their father a message saying ' has asked for counselling' and all I got back was an 'aww'. He has no concept of the damage he's caused. I know he loves them and I know he worries about them but I imagine that switches off a bit when he's away from here (just like he always has!)
The situation, as it is, isn't so different from before. He wasn't here the majority of the time, working and obviously seeing her. I thought that was a positive thing for the boys, keeping their lives normal ish, but is it? It's what they want but does it help them move on? I don't know.
Anyway, I've emailed a youth counselling place and will chat to school on Monday. He, in particular, has a brilliant year head who has really kept an eye on him and they have the most excellent pastoral team.
I know I've done everything I can to keep the boys going but I can't help but think I'm failing them 😢

Sorry for the essay!

SoMuch please, please don't think you are failing your boys! It's abundantly clear from all you've written on here that you are doing your absolute best to support them through what is undoubtedly a traumatic situation for all of you, and none of it is of your making. Obviously it's upsetting that your DS is in a position where he feels the need for counselling, but at the same time I think it's really positive that he's broached this with you and feels he's able to talk to someone about what's going on - it's so damaging for DCs to internalise their emotions. I really do feel for you all

Hermonie Sorry to hear your petition was upsetting too Totally agree that this would all be so much easier if we could be amicable, or at the very least civil, for the sake of the DC but X is negating any possibility of that with his lies, self absorption and utter lack of integrity. How do you coparent with someone whose sole priority is himself?

Proper Yes, I've had my meeting with the mediator. I'm pretty sceptical that it will work to be honest. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that X won't be transparent regarding finances and he can be quite bullish whereas I found the mediator quite effete. I feel really sick and panicky at the prospect of being face to face with him after not having seen or spoken to him since he left, so all in all not a great combination for an equitabe resolution I don't think. I'll give it a go though, but will go back to my solicitor if he starts trying to intimidate me into complying with his twisted concept of what's fair.

Mine has told me his df is very ill. He is elderly and frail and we've been wondering for years how long he's got left. STBXH adores his df. I don't know if he's fibbing or if he really is ill. I am torn. I know he'll want to delay things as he's already used shit loads of delay tactics. I will be the bitch from hell.

He also says that he's under pressure to take the kids to visit 'one last time'. Background- we are LC as his DM is toxic. It's a shit storm. I don't think he's told his dps we've even split.

I'm afraid it does make a difference New Dawn I'm so sorry your situation sounds horrific.
But it does have to be a serious disability not just depression or what have you. We're talking possibility of wheelchair use and they can get a much better deal on the equity of the house.
My husband dumped me recently because he found my physical disability too boring and moved out (thank God) and I am disabled but still managing to work part time but I could be medically retired anytime soon.
My solicitor says I can get much more equity in the house, possibly 20- 30 grand more.
But then I should fucking think so, my husband has not ever paid the mortgage or bills and thinks working is optional, it is optional for me.
also he earns twice as much as me when he does care to work yet he is trying to get maintenance when we have no kids. Lol good luck with that.
He is a lazy fucktard.

That should have said not optional for me.

Hermione and Proper that's awful. They seem to think their damned petitions are so important, they mean jack shit and once the divorce is over nobody will give a damn about what he wrote.
The important thing to remember as baby barrister told me is that the you only spend time on the important things like financial settlements.
Don't give a second thought to the petition - nobody is going to put you in prison for your husband whining so don't worry about it.

What Johnny said, SoMuch you are obviously doing a brilliant job, my more adult son has only just started to open up to me and still resisting counselling, however stbxh has nobly undertaken the FREE counselling he's being offered through his work so he can cope with his impending retirement and divorce, both of which he instigated!!! He told me he's hoping to set an example to our son! I hope he can break the cycle of drunken verbal abuse that is being passed down from father to son in his family, that would be a good result...

Hi.... our first joint mediation session next week. Utterly dreading it 😔

Good luck Girlie let us know how it goes...Mermaid the second criterion for finance share is need...I would have thought you can rightly claim for special accommodation needs and/or funding for care, as needed...really emphasise it, don't be proud, specially as it sounds like you've earned it! Hope you've got a decent solicitor...
Dawn you can bet if it was the other way around you'd get zero sympathy. OTOH maybe the DC should go visit?? Hope stbxh comes to his senses. I'm not the one who wanted the divorce, it came out of the blue for me and it's taken away my future,but I don't think there is any point in delaying the inevitable. Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday.

Hi everyone, I am ok, still plodding on through. Not able to sleep so far tonight though.

It's my mum's birthday tomorrow and I haven't had room in my head to sort out a present. I'm just going to have to buy some flowers which is crap but all I can do. It's making me feel even more rubbish.

I got a text from my ex on Wednesday saying that he was going to call round after work to put the car in the garage on charge. I didn't respond as he wasn't asking if it was ok, just that he was coming. I was home from 5 until 5:30, then from 7:30 onwards but didn't see him. From looking in the garage he's not been. I was hoping that he take some of the rest of his stuff away with him. Annoyingly, it means that I'm back to expecting him to contact me when I was over all of that ages ago.

I'm expecting a call from our mediator early next week to discuss the next move. I have no idea if we're getting anywhere or if another meeting would be worth it. Once again I am waiting on him.

Sorry everyone is having a hard time right now. Can't believe anyone thinks it's ok to let a 14yo stay with an older boyfriend like that!

Think we're about sorted on finances and have a solicitor's appointment on Tuesday so will get her to draw up the agreement. Whether or not wasband signs it is another matter - he said yesterday "where am I going to get the money for all this from?" FFS, you've had 15 months. Most of it is coming from his dad, the other 3k chunk was from his bonus at work....which leaves 1k for the furniture split, 500ish for the divorce costs and another couple of hundred for the transfer of equity. So, 2k and he doesn't have it after 15 months

HMLTB- where he gets the money from is not your concern anymore. One of the really liberating things about this split is that I don't have to listen to his shit anymore

fingers crossed that wasband signs it.

Hope everyone is relatively ok today.

Tapir - I know what you mean about head space. I'm sure your mum would understand. I'm also with you on waiting on the ex. Drives me mad but I have to remain calm. Oooommmmm

Tapir, I'm in the same position as you, I just don't know if we are getting anywhere. He has made it clear that he will do what he wants when he wants...and we are still living in the same house almost 10 months down the line. I feel he is almost goading me into taking him to court so that I spend a fortune of solicitors fees but I know he has no intention of going to court so will settle before any court dates. So like you I'm just having to sit it out - very frustrating.

I keep looking at houses online. In my head I have moved into quite a few. I am so looking forward to starting afresh. It's my birthday next month, the big 5-0 and I'm thinking of getting another tattoo to symbolise new beginnings. That will at least give me something to take my mind of the situation at home.

Good to have things to look forward to, Jaffa. Hope there are some nice properties available for you?

I was waiting for wasband to come back to me with some information on finances but haven't heard anything. I haven't been able to decide what to ask from him for spousal maintenance, in terms of how long he'll pay it for. I'm thinking of 3 years as that is when youngest son will finish school.

The main reason for it is to make up for drop in child maintenance as eldest will soon be 18 (yet I've had to buy a house for the 3 of us and pay all the bills etc). And that I have much lower salary than him (due to years of accommodating his career...)