Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Notta - you can give him the option of starting the petition. The benefit is that you'll know you won't contest it. Down side is that he might drag his feet or not even bother, cue time ticks on. He can also claim the court fee from you Not sure what your position is there

You definitely shouldn't be ashamed frog sounds to me like you're being very brave.

The comment I made about assets on separation - that was just based on the advice I got. I was concerned that the court would look at our present assets on the consent form and ask questions (I believe he has taken out loans run up credit card debt since separation, not for essentials). But I was told that I can give additional information on the situation on separation. Otherwise it is unfair. I believe the same applies to pension funds, although ours have not changed massively since we separated so we're not trying to get them recalculated.

I bet he won't disclose anything. He can't get cards or anything because he has no job.
I don't have a pension on his advice because his is plenty big enough.
On divorce, do I get my share of his pension straight away?
Then can I leave to claim as a pension or can I cash it in?
There may be enough for me to buy a small house/flat.
Sorry for all the questions. You all seemed to have lit a fire in my belly! I am emerging from my overwhelming stress to become a woman of action!

Looking into it I don't think I can cash it in to buy a home. I think I need to save up and get a sol.

Knitted - you can agree on a pension share, so a percentage of his pension funds are paid in to a pension in your name. If you don't already have one then I guess you'll need to open one. I think you can draw funds from it from age 55

Thanks NJ. I don't have a pension so will have to set one up when the time comes. Would have been good if I could cash some in early (like straight away) then I could have set myself and dd in a little home of our own.
Oh well back to the renting a one bed flat idea.

Hiya Frog n all....my understanding is that you can 'cash in' many pensions, but yes you need advice. You need a CETV certificate from the pension company which gives the cash equivalent at the time so it can be split as BotH described. The good news thanks to all the determined women and lawyers over the last 30 years is that the first principle is equity. So you should get half...this wasn't in place when my poor Mum got fleeced by my F many years ago she got none of his nice fat police pension. Knittedfrog maybe you could demand he commutes some pension to set you and DD up? And don't you own a house with him now sorry have I missed that??

Proper, yes we live together and have a mortgage.
But because he left his job and spent all the redundancy money we can't pay the mortgage.
I start work soon but won't earn enough to pay for it.
I've told him we need to sell but he insists it will be fine.
It's not fine, far from it.
So I want the house sold but there won't be much left after mortgage etc paid so won't be able to buy for myself. Which is why I wondered if I got awarded half his pension could I cash it in and buy myself a small house/flat.
Does that make sense? Rambling again! Just want this house on the market because in a month or two we won't be able to pay the mortgage.
I voiced all this when he was talking about redundancy but he just ignored me. Now it's a reality.
Talking to my mum earlier I realise just how awful it's been over the years. I'm a fool to stay as long as I have.

Knitted - did he spend the redundancy to spite you? What did he spend it on? How long have you been split up?
Maybe you can get your own mortgage once you start work? Do you have a decent equity in your house?
When he says it's fine, does he have his head in the sand or is he being a twat and playing mind games? Sounds like he's punishing you by not dealing with anything. Sounds familiar

If you are a fool for staying too long then so am I. I think we stay as long as we need to stay even if that's 'too long'. When I think back I should have left 5 odd years ago but I know I was in no way ready mentally. I had to have counseling to 'allow' myself to even consider it.

Knitted - I've had that feeling of why didn't I leave earlier too. But I think we just have to congratulate ourselves for doing it now.

Do you think he doesn't believe you'll actually go through with the divorce?

ANew, I don't know what the money went on or how it went so quickly.
He didn't do it to spite me, I think he thought a job would land in his lap.
My wage would not be enough for a mortgage.
There's not a lot of equity in the house because we remortgaged, well he did. I've been so naive.
He says it will be fine because that's what he believes and to stop me from worrying.
We haven't split up.

NJ, when I tell him he won't believe me. He won't think I'm strong enough.

He has no idea at the moment. My dd is going abroad soon on a long trip so I'm waiting until she's gone.
I've spoken to my mum and have a few ideas/plans of what I need to do and where I can go.

I won't be earning much when I start work but as I haven't worked for years and never in highly paid work my new wage reflects that. It's about as high as I could hope for.
I certainly won't be earning enough to cover mortgage and bills.
This is why I desperately want the house sold. It's all that ties us together really.
When my daughter has gone and he realises I'm not staying around maybe he'll agree to sell the house.
I'm going to save for a sol to get things moving. If he still won't sell maybe a divorce process will force him to.
He has a very good pension and I should get half of it. I can't work out if I can cash some of it in as soon as I get it to buy a house or have to wait until I'm 55.
The big issue is selling the house. We can't afford it with no money coming in and I think it's better to sell than have it taken from us.
Can't believe how hard this is and I have even told him or made a move yet!

Makes sense for you to plan your moves Knitted.

I'm sure you can't cash in pension funds any earlier, unfortunately. There's some explanation here www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/pension-liberation

Are you entitled to tax credits or anything else?

NJ, I went on a benefit check site and put in my details. I think it said I could get a reduction in council tax by about £7.
Not entitled to anything else.
I put in details based on renting a one bed flat for me and dd.
That's such a let down about the pension as it could've help set me up.
If the house sells and I get anything it will only be a small amount.
Still, renting might not be so bad if I can find a nice long term let close to work.
I do drive but my car needed an mot and a little bit of work done to it and obviously there was no money for it.
Seemed to be money to have his done though. He's got to sell it now though to create some money for next months mortgage and to pay my dd back what he borrowed of her.
Oh yeah, he borrowed all her savings. I'm livid and praying the car sells and he pays her back. If not I think I'll explode and walk out there and then.
Exploding is something I don't do, in fact I don't do anything except placid and amicable, I think that needs to change. I need to grow a thick skin and a back bone and stand up for myself and my dd.
Last year, when he didn't come home (except for 20 hours) I begged and pleaded with him to come and see dd. I didn't care, I'd already checked out at that point but she desperately wanted to see him. He let her down time and again and all I did was keep the peace. Why didn't I kick off like I should have done. I need to change my attitude and look out for me and dd no matter what.

For everyone one here this is what I have learned about pensions over the last year (I also have a financial background). It's very complicated to I'll try and keep it simple.

Each pension is different so you can't 'cash in' all pensions (but most).

For pensions that qualify you can cash in 25% tax free if you are age 55 or over.

The CETV (Cash Equivalent Transfer Value) is the value of your pension fund less any fees for transferring it to a different provider. The CETV figure is given assuming you retire at the retirement age determined by the pension fund provider. However if you take your 25% tax free drawdown before that retirement age then the CETV will be reduced. In my STBXH's case (he is 56) it is reduced by 5% for each year he retires early which means that the CETV is 45% less than the figure quoted and that lower figure is what he can get 25% of.

You can drawdown more than 25% of your pension but it will be taxed (and you have to be 55 or over).

A Pension Sharing Order (PSO) simply transfers the money out of his pension and a pension is set up for you.

Knitted if your H is under 55 then he cannot drawdown any of his pension.

I hope that helps.

Thanks Jaffa.
It is so complicated. Or my brain just doesn't want to work!
I'm guessing I'll end up with half his pension and leave it alone and work for as long as possible.
It's a shame though because that could've bought me a little house or flat for me and my dd.

Knitted I was in a similar situation in that I thought he could drawdown enough to get himself a place of his own and I could keep the house for me and the girls but it hasn't worked out like that. However, I have worked out that the total of the pensions I will get (from when we both used to have good careers) on a monthly basis when I do retire will be similar to what I earn a month now. I think that is a good result and well worth having.

You're right Jaffa.
I guess I'm just disappointed that I will have to rent and looking around I'll only be able to afford a one bed flat for us.
I'll take the living room and give dd the bedroom.
I don't have a pension of my own so I guess having a share of his to fall back on will be good when the time comes.
I'm starting work soon so might pay in to one myself even if it's only for a few years. But again I'm undecided, would I just be better saving as much as I can each month?

Thanks for all the responses. I need to read hrough the thread, seems as though there's lots of experience on here. Husband is veering wildly. Leaving nasty notes, texts etc. Then being 'normal' for a day.

He is shouting and swearing in front of the babies, few weeks ago punched the wall and kicked doors etc. I want him to leave, to give us both some space but I can't make him.

Evening all, hope today has been nice in parts. Jaffa seems to know all the pension stuff. Just wondered if you could get a mortgage Knitted, secured against the prospective pension when agreed, because stbxh said he could get one that way last autumn when, I thought, we were planning a future together. Don't want to get false hopes up but you seem determined on this issue, may be worth investigating unless Jaffa has advice?
BTW have you all changed your Wills or written one? Can get packs from Smith's? Otherwise is it all going to him...?
Happy Easter for tomorrow

Proper. admittedly it has been a while since I worked in finance - before I had the girls so 18 years ago. In those days they gave out mortgages like sweeties. I'm not sure about getting a mortgage against a pensions but thinking logically I could see that possible. With house prices being so high I can imagine people wanting to pay their mortgage off over a longer term so the monthly income from a pension may perhaps be taken into account...but I am only guessing. A mortgage broker would be the best person to ask.

I do have another suggestion though - government help to buy schemes. I am in Scotland and we have something called LIFT. It looks like those that are eligible can have the government pay for part of your house so they have a stake in your house but you don't pay rent on that element. So for example if you put up 60-90%, the government will put up 40-10%. When you sell the property then they will get their percentage back, so if it increases in value they will get more money back. There are other schemes to look into as well. A few people have mentioned this to me and said I should qualify even though I'm not a first time buyer. I have found it quite difficult to get info off the internet so thought I will call a good estate agent and ask them next week.

I haven't even written a will but STBXH who also hadn't written one has apparently arranged one recently so that I don't get anything of his share if something happens to him between now and when we divorced! Must get that organised.

I went to bed at about 11pm this evening only for oldest DD to appear to blether away to me. She informed me that STBXH has gone to stay at his mum's house tonight. That is the first time since we spilt last July that he has done that. I feel a lot more relaxed right now.

This whole mortgage/pension thing isn't designed to be easy is it!?
When the time comes I think I'll need some advice from a financial bod on what to do.
I just worry about the insecurity of private renting.
And I hadn't thought about a Will. We don't have one at the moment. I think I'll check out those packs from Smith's as they are probably cheaper than a sol doing it.
Jaffa, glad you're feeling a bit more relaxed, with a bit of luck maybe he'll stay away longer.
Lotta, I'm sorry he's been so awful. Forgive me I'm not familiar with everybody's story, are you separated but still living together?

Enjoy some peace Jaffa. I'm at my Mums every other week at the mo!

I think once I'm out and at my sisters I'll put my name on the local housing association list. I won't be a priority and might never get offered anything but at least it's doing something pro active.
When I start work I'll be on a 6 month probation so won't be able to get references for private renting until after then.
That's such a pain but I'll be able to save in that time.
Even though none of this was my doing, I feel so guilty for letting my dd down.

Can I join in?
My partner left in January. His ex OW contacted me in the summer to tell me she couldn't stop thinking about him and had always wanted the life I'd had with him. She said she was at a decision point in her own life (body clock ticking) and that she would never contact us again and wished us well. Within weeks she was pregnant...with his child.
The child is due this month. It's really screwing my head up.
I think she lives with him although he's here a lot (and very flirty!) and he's just taken our middle son away for the week (a 5 hour drive away!)
I've tried so hard to be strong for our boys. I really have. They are struggling with this but I'm so proud of the way they are handling it. Youngest son isn't handling it so well but he is hitting puberty too, so the poor chap has so many emotions to deal with! He refused to be away from me for a week, hence the reason only middle son is with his dad (eldest son is an adult).
I try to be amicable for the boys sake. It's not going to benefit them if I banish their father from the house and shout and scream at him. They refuse to see this OW and never mention the baby. They won't stay at his place, despite the arrangement being that she will stay elsewhere when they do (unlikely with a baby I think...) They have both said they don't trust him.
I'm the one who is, as usual, holding it all together. I am the one who listens to the boys, encourages a relationship with their father, talks to school etc etc. I am so stressed but I put my feelings aside to make sure they are ok. I also keep the boundaries for both of us and have been very firm in telling him that I won't be his OW, despite still having feelings for him! He didn't want the situation he is in, he didn't want to leave us, but he's made his bed and all that....
This is so hard. It's been nearly 4 months since he left, 7 months since I have known about it. It seems like a life time.
Financially, it's taking so long! He is giving me money every week but I want it formalised. He doesn't seem to want to do that i.e. a set amount of maintenance every month, until the mortgage is sorted (remortgaging) He seems to be stalling that. It worries me. I don't think he will try to not pay it/sort the mortgage, but it still worries me and I've said so mamy times that if it was sorted it would be one less thing for me to worry about.
Anyway, sorry, this has turned into an essay. I don't know how I'm going to cope with the baby being born. It's all still so screwed up 🙁