Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Waves at Hermonie - I was wondering how you're doing. Sorry you feel bad
I have an awful feeling he's going to defend the divorce petition. Christ I so hope not. He can be totally blinded by 'righteousness' so much so, he does stupid things. Apparently he's got advice, albeit on the phone, and he knows what he's going to do apparently. A couple of things I won't go into detail about really worry me.
Someone mentioned up thread about trying to keep it amicable. That's what I've done and it's not helped at all, just allowed him to walk all over me again. But that's me I suppose. In hindsight I wish I'd been a bit more forceful and just ploughed on. Fucker.
Yes I often think what the hell is my life now. How did I get to this point? How could he be so obstructive? I feel like I'm finding out about the real him and its scarey. All those years I thought he was a gentle soul. How wrong I was. Everyone who meets him usually says he's a lovely guy. I feel like I'm questioning everyone now, thinking 'what are you capable of?'

It's amazing how much they seem to change once it comes to the divorce, or finances. I really thought that my ex was a decent human being but he's the very opposite and has shown it again and again since I discovered his deceit.

I think that women are more inclined to try to keep things amicable and we can end up being walked over if we are not careful. I would so much like for him to be out of my life for good, which he knows, and is why he has made me such a low offer. I am determined that I will fight for my fair share & not just roll over and accept what he is offering.

I also get the feeling of disbelief and wondering how could my life have changed so suddenly from being happy to so much despair, how could I have been so wrong about him. I have found the only thing to do is to try not to think about it.

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right place to add a posst. I'm in need of some advice. Currently live with husband and two children (under 2). I'm on maternity leave, the plan was for me to go back to work but find a different job, part time, asap. We have a joint mortgage. We need to split up. Lots of reasons but suffice to say it's not working, and he's abusive (emotionally really) and has some mh issues that he won't address.

I don't know where to start. I'd like to stay in the house with the children to start with. How do I, or can I get him to leave? And still pay?

I have no savings. I can't afford the mortgage myself. And I don't really know if I will be able to in future though it's repaulyment and I guess I could ask to change to interest only while things settle.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Please vam someone give me a clue?

Notta - that's not great being on mat leave and having such young ones. the benefit for you is that your kids won;t know anything else.

If he's abusive, please be careful. does he know you want to split?

sorry at work so can't hang around

Anewdawn, as Tapir says you can call a mediator to start the process.I feel mine was very weak, she didn't ask to see any documents so ex's disclosure was really limited.He claimed to have zero money in accounts however I knew that to be completely untrue.
You can't do mediation with someone who just wants to win or who isn't reasonable.Well you can do it, just won't be successful! However you need a recent (within 3 months I think) mediation attempt to be able to go to court.

I really assumed ex would be reasonable, allowed him to petition, was completely open with my plans and finances etc but I soon realised he's operating a different mindset to me.
Captain, some men seem to be so bitter, a solicitor warned me of this, suspect it's the loss of control.It must be so stressful with ongoing court cases.
Hope everyone has a good Easter

Is it better if he starts divorce proceedings? He's said he's going to. Not sure he'll follow it through.

I need an idiots guide.

Nottalotta - you're not the only one who needs one of those! I have no clue. Waiting for my STBXH's SOL to contact me about divorce proceedings. It's like waiting for an axe to fall.

Notta Have you had any legal advice yet? If not you need to get some asap. Do you have support locally is someone who could have the kids for you while you get the practicalities sorted?

Once you've stone that, go on www.entitledto.co.uk and check what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent.

I would definitely start proceedings if you feel able to. Being the petitioner does give you a certain amount of control. You can get help with the court costs if you need to. I think I only had to pay £50 instead of £550 to file and I work full time (albeit term time sdo not great money).

I'll post/PM later when I'm on my laptop as have lots more info and links that might help from when I started all this. Had to explain it all step by step to Wasband as he was/is clueless !

I've not had any advice yet. Need to find somewhere that does a free session I suppose. More info gratefully received Thank.you.

Aaargh! I have just received copies of ex's bank statements for the last 3 months from the mediator. It is pretty clear why he has put on weight. He is taking the ow out every weekend for dinner, spending well over £100 each time, then onto a bar where he's spending more money. So, effectively I have been paying for the ow's dinners out for at least the last 3 months. He's also transferred several hundred pounds to her - what a total twat.

He also reduced his cash assets by paying his solicitor's fees which I clearly should also have done before our meeting. I've asked for a statement from my solicitor, will pay it and submit a more up to date bank statement, or I will request that amount is added back in.

The problem is, the longer it takes to reach an agreement, the more money he is spending to take it out of the pot. I have so much less cash than him that I can't play that game, nor do I want to spend money on dinner and drinks instead of investing it. It is so frustrating seeing how he is throwing money about when I am having to consider every £ I spend.

Tapir - the advice I got was that the assets as at separation should be considered. Is that not happening with you?

Doesn't seem to be, but I will query it if that's usually the case, thank you :)

Just had a long, long chat with a friend on the phone which has cheered me up a bit.

Finances finances!
Mitts you can get 30 mins free advice from solicitors before you choose one. You may want to petition as on paper it's the respondent who pays for it, though in practice couples often split costs. I have written a petition for stbxh unreasonable behaviour, although divorce was not my idea, to regain some control, which he has agreed, this is also usual. Has been served yet though.
It's difficult to get him to leave his solicitor will advise against it, but remind him it has no bearing on the financial settlement. With young children you are in a strong position. Do you have a male family or friends who can back you up or sham him into leaving, as long as you allow him access to kids, is this a point of contention? Have a peaceful Friday all

I'm still at home and haven't said anything to h.
He took redundancy against my advice and spent all the money without telling me. Literally told me all was fine we had money and two days later tells me it's all gone.
There's no money coming in and he won't sell the house. I hate him.
I'm hoping my sister will take me in while I save for deposit to rent a one bed flat for me and my daughter.
I'm also going to save for a divorce so then he will be forced to settle financial stuff and have to sell the house. At the moment I'm still liable for half the mortgage and I can't afford it.
My dd leaves to go abroad soon. As soon as she's gone I need to take action to get me out of this.
I also have a similar thread in mental health as I really think my dd would be better off without me. I know if I wasn't around my family would take her in and give her security and stability that I just can't at the moment.
Sorry for the ramble. Hope everyone else on here gets the happy ending they deserve.

Grounds for divorce -
He worked an hour away but only spent 20 hours at home last year. Didn't spend one night at home.
Was stuck abroad ill over Christmas and didn't even phone dd on Christmas Day.
Goes through a bottle of whiskey in a night.
Spent all money without telling me.
Can be really snappy and mean.

Is that enough grounds to divorce on. Unreasonable behaviour?

Good morning.
frog, I have a daughter too. We moved out last year, in Jan it'll be two years and I can divorce the ExH. I was thinking about what I have been through and I genuinely asked myself how come I haven't gone mad or did something really silly. But, a year and a bit later, I've come through the other side. It does get better, I promise. I was on antidepressants for 6 months. They helped tremendously. I came off Sertraline a few months back, they did help.
Please go see your GP.
I'm ok now, in a relationship, I bought a little place for me and DD, first time in years I look forward to come home. I recognise I need the support of others going through the same thing.
When the rock started rolling downhill with my marriage, I said nothing. I informed my friends, but felt that too much chatter about it would make me lose focus and energy. So I just got on with it. It was a mistake. I had unconditional, wonderful support, but I didn't talk. That made me ill.
So here I am. To talk :)

Wire, thank you.
Well done for coming through the other side.
I would love to be where you are now. Wish I could avoid the messy middle bit and just emerge the other side!
I would love to be able to afford a little home for me and dd but my new job isn't that well paid so I think all I can do is rent a one bed flat for us to share.
I've checked and won't be entitled to anything so it's going to be really hard.
But maybe I'll gain a bit of pride and self esteem back in myself.

frog, it'll be ok. You'll see, it'll all be a million times better than it has been being married. Easy, no, but definitely easier.

Notalotta sorry I didn't get back and post that stuff last night - I nodded off watching TV!

the assets as at separation should be considered. Is that not happening with you?

That's really helpful to know. Was band appears to have run up a five-figure debt against the mortgage and I suspect it may have happened since I left. He's basically expecting me to pay a percentage if that off when the house is sold...I think not!

Frog there is no underestimating how bloody tough this process is. I feel like I've slipped down a wormhole and just can't quite reach the other side. There have been some incredibly bleak moments, tears, frustration, guilt, regret (not at leaving - at wasting so much time before doing so) and recently so much anger.

My DD and I are living with my parents at the moment. My mum is an absolute rock and I love her dearly but we are very different characters and both used to our own space which we no longer have and the can be really hard.

However, I've had amazing support from friends, colleagues and my incredible GP. I've had to double my dose of antidepressants and resort to diazepam occasionally for panic attacks, but in spite of that, I'm already getting stronger.

The waiting is awful. I was hoping it would be nearly over by now but it'll be another 4-6 months I expect which is crap.

Don't ever think your daughter would be better off without you. This is not your fault and in time things will get better .

Hi Frog and all....I have yet to hit the bottom, I know. Frog just in your few posts I can see how determined you are and I know your daughter is lucky to have you. It's great that you have confidence in your own family to back you up as well but your daughter needs you and you need her. My DD is intending to stay with both of us when we split, but a friend was adamant that she needs me more. That made me feel better. Think part of this process is not giving in to the feelings of rejection and worthlessness. It's something that has happened between us as a couple, not 'to' one of us (although I appreciate many cases are much more one sided than mine may be).
Definitely can't be right that joint assets are frittered away by one of the divorcing parties. Am sure this will come out in the finance agreement but make sure you have records from when you separated?
Apologies for all the typos I'm always on my phone doing these .
Hope you'll get some fresh air and sunlight this weekend, everyone

Thanks Proper, I know she needs me more than him. He has let her down more times than I can remember. I'm scared of not doing it right or ending up in a worse situation.
I have little moments of feeling strong and believing in myself and then a great big cloud consumes me again.
He's not around this weekend, doing some work for a friend apparently.
So, I'm going to spring clean. Well that's the phrase I'm using. Really, I'm cleaning the house so it's all done incase I bugger off quickly. It will be presentable to market then. Also will be able to squirrel away a few things I want without anyone noticing what I'm doing!
I've already packed some stuff and stored it in my wardrobe on the quiet!
I don't want to have to come back here once I've gone.
I'm not sure whether to be proud of myself or ashamed.
I wish he would just sell this house because it's a bloody mill stone round my neck and the only thing that really connects us. Without the house I could have a clean break.
Dd is old enough to contact him when she wants. And then the divorce should be quite straight forward. I would go for half his pension because it's massive.
I think I'm in a good negotiating position. I didn't work though most of the marriage but I was a sahm.
His career always came first, bloody lot of good that did! He worked abroad for what was supposed to be 2 years and then turned into nearly 5.
I really can't see how he can contest or deny anything. It's just this bloody house!
Anyone want a 3 bed detached! Needs a bit of tlc because he never did anything or spent any money on upkeep.
This anger seems to be a new emotion poking its head through the depression, stress and anxiety.
Maybe that's a good thing.
Sorry, rambling again. I've only got you lot or my mum and she's off to bingo today!

Hi Frog just a couple things, you are going for UB aren't you not the two years separation, because pensions are only divided at point of divorce, and can be cashed in now early so my sol advised to do UB.
I did the cleaning earlier in the week our beautiful house up for sale next week
I do get satisfaction out of housework if I'm a bit down though and it's good exercise (unless you're exhausted from work of course not saying for everyone!!).
You are being incredibly brave and organised Frog.

Knitted - I can relate to his career coming first. Twatface has a business and, for him, is all consuming. Which also means I have to suck everything else up , housework, wife work, DIY, garden, childcare. I work PT but he thinks I've got it easy. He's busy telling me the business is not profitable. I know he takes about £500 pm as a wage but he'll be taking dividends and the like. So basically, either I've been supporting him and his ailing business for 5 fucking years or he's lying.
He thinks the lions share is his. Because he earned it. Fucker. He has NO IDEA how hard it has been for me.
This is turning into a rant now
Interesting about when you should consider the assets eg at point of separation. and also what mediators v solicitors need for bank statements etc you lot rock, thanks

Proper, will definitely be going for UB, I think I have a good case. Can you explain about the pension thing. Who can cash it in early? Am I entitled to half? If I can cash in early would I lose out?
Sorry if I'm being naive.