Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

SoMuch, I'm sorry you're hurting, your feelings for him will lessen in time and other emotions will take over.
You say he's there a lot of the time. Would it better for you to have a more formal arrangement of when he sees the children?
That way you don't have to see him so often.

I'm doing what is best for the boys right now. In a lot of ways nothing much has changed for them as he worked away a lot their whole lives. They prefer it like this so that's what I will do. I do take myself off sometimes though if he's too hard to be around.
I know eventually it will all settle. I just need to give it some time. It's just very difficult trying to manage my feelings as well as those of my boys. I am incredibly close to all 3 of them but I feel like I just make small talk with my eldest at the moment because I don't want him to carry this. He'd tell me to talk to him but that's hard isn't it. I don't want to badmouth their father to any of them. That's not fair on them.
I'm off to MILs for the first time today since Christmas. I'm dreading it. There will be such a huge elephant in the room because she won't mention it, although DS is so worried that she will talk about it! She won't, she's not someone who likes to talk about unpleasant things.

Sorry, only just found you all. It's pretty much all shit here.

Last Tuesday after almost 11 hours at work, I got home to find myself locked out by wasband. Apparently I could get back in if I cleared away the kids' paddling pool. Well, given all his stuff I've been tripping over for weeks in the hall and kitchen, it went down like a lead balloon. I had to insist I would phone the police if he didn't let me in. Once in, I pointed out all his mess. Apparently he's "going to do it sometime" . Been visiting family for a couple of days and I came back today to his girlfriend walking naked across the landing. Told him to get her out of the house (I am sick of her cleaning the house and everything). He wouldn't so I want to tell her myself and he pushed me into a door. So, it's now all logged with the police.

Oh and his girlfriend has texted to say she was going to tidy the house today for me so I could come home to a tidy house - wtf?

helpmeltb I am so sorry, that sounds horrendous. I wish we could line the lot of them up in front of a firing squad. Good on you for contacting the police, I hope you're ok.

Are you hoping to keep the house yourself? Is it worth moving out for your peace of mind?

Also, thank you for sharing your pension info Jaffa I was unsure how my ex's pension would be shared. I don't have one at all because the plan was to buy more rental properties which would provide both of us with a pension. Of course that's gone out of the window and I have nothing. He doesn't have a huge pot but it's more than I've got!

No, not keeping the house. Need him to buy me out and take my name off the mortgage. Solicitor advised me to stay out as it's incentive for wasband to get stuff done rather - risk is I'll have to force it all through court at high cost if he doesn't. Now thinking I might have to take the risk - it's all affecting my mental health and now he seems to be escalating.

Have sent an enquiry about a rental I've seen.

SoMuch, it sounds very hard particularly with the new baby. What stage have the finances reached? It sounds like a remortgage is happening - is that to remove your husband from the house mortgage and you stay on it in your own name?

Help, that sounds awful.
Where did we go wrong in ending up with such idiots!
Can't wait for the day we are all rid of them and can live our lives the way we want to. I long to be happy.

SoMuch, HelpMe, sorry to hear your stories. So awful to have the OW shoved in your face. Can't believe there is OW in your house HelpMe, can't you just chuck her out that's appalling!! Don't give him permission to have guests! Sorry I know you are living with it, not me. Youbwill be out of it soon I hope . SoMuch, your sons are so lucky to have you, what a phenomenal Mum you are

Help, wow, I was speechless at what you wrote. Well done for contacting the police. I've nearly had to do that but decided against it. Are you able to speak to the OW and tell her it isn't appropriate for her to be in the family home? I'm not in the same situation as you and I'm not a confrontational person, more of a mouse, but as I would have nothing to lose I think I would put my big girls pants on and either speak to her or start treating/talking to him they way he does to you. I have done this a few times with my own STBXH which feels good for about three seconds until you realise that you've just lowered your standards . I do understand where you are coming from re MH but don't give up. I find the longer this shit goes on the more able I am to deal with it.

knitted yes separated but living together. It's early days. I've come to spend a couple of days with my parents, already planned but I actually felt awful driving away with the babies and leaving him there at home. Not that he'd cone with me, he doesn't do family stuff like that. But I actually feel sorry for him. I need to get over that. I think.its because I'm sure he has MH issues, but refuses to see GP. The anxiety coupled with hoarding, paranoia etc, and what appears to be a split personality. I think once this is all done he will end up a lonely, friendless person living with his parents. But I can't help him. So here we are.

I'm sorry Im just posting and not reading much atm. I'm exhausted.

HelpMe sorry didn't read your post properly/got confused. I'm shocked that this man can get way with this, well done for contacting police.
Hope you have all had at least some chocolate today and perhaps some good moments with family

How is everyone? Help - I cannot believe you've got the OW wondering around naked in your house. What a piece of crap your wasband is. I love that term too!

I'm having a wobble. I started another thread. I'm worried he;s going to contest the divorce. It wouldn't surprise me if he did. The solicitor also mentioned 'just in case' too. Am a bit scared to google 'contesting a divorce petition'. Did anyone see that piece a while ago about the guy who contested and the judge agreed! Speechless. Its a shit system. I didn't want to 'stir' it all up but no way am I waiting 2 years for a no fault divorce.

Mines being a total tool. So so petty. Refusing to speak, not touching anything I've used (crockery, only washing his stuff etc) I wish he'd leave. I've the option of staying elsewhere for a couple of weeks, people on holiday and I could use their house. Not sure whether too or not.

anew I was wondering what ground H will go for, and assume I'll have to agree to something that's bullocks to get it over with.

Your situation sounds awful and very petty as you say.Its very draining isn't; it. I'd stay in your friends house. I go away regularly and pet sit with my dcs. Its really nice to get out of this awful atmosphere. I hate it when I hear him come in and I'm so relieved when he goes out.

I don't know on what grounds he'd contest. I'm scared that he's had shit advice or that he thinks he is quite entitled to defend it just because it's oppressive or not fair or some bollocks. He is a real tight arse so I hope that will stop him playing silly buggers

Had an exit plan in place for when the inevitable happens and we lose the house. (He's still in denial).
Worked it all out today and once everything is paid for if I get a rental I literally will have no money for food. Not entitled to any help. My dd is better off without me. I'm a hopeless parent. Taken about 100 steps backwards.

I've had a total relapse this weekend, back to crying all night and staying in bed all day. I get so annoyed at myself because despite the fact that he is the cause of all the hurt, when I am so upset there is only one person I want to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. I was doing so well but feel.like I am back to the beginning again.

I don't know if it was seeing him last week or seeing all the fun things he's spending our money on doing with the ow while I am counting the pennies and am alone most of the time, but it is shit.

I know everyone says that you get through it eventually but I'm struggling to believe it at the moment. I have been trying so hard to make a new life for myself but it does all seem pointless.

Sorry for the downer everyone but I don't have anyone I feel I can talk to irl just at the moment.

We're a right bunch, aren't we?

Knitted - you're not a hopeless Mum, it just feels like that atm. I often think of all the ways I let my DC's down and it makes me feel sick. But I know I've got the basics right, as I;m sure you have. I'm sorry no real pearls of wisdom because its a drag. Why did I chose such a to be the father of my children.

Tapir - things have a habit of catching you out, don't they? Seeing him has kicked off all the shit things in your head. I went away over the weekend. I went to see my family and also visited some old haunts of mine. Made me feel very sad/nostalgic and I had to fight to stop the crap going round in my head. It sometimes just rears up and takes you by surprise. I have been very tearful and i'm not that kind of person.

Keep talking...

Tapir Im sorry you're feeling like that. I was away for the weekend, felt really sad driving home, within minutes of getting home he'd made me angry again.

Knitted - sounds like you're a great mum. Don't beat yourself up. Is it worth trying the CAB or something for free advice?

Tapir - talk here as much as you like. We know how you feel and we will listen. I've spent quite a lot of time bundled up under a blanket on the sofa recently. There's something quite comforting about it. And it doesn't feel as scary as being in bed.

Sorry to see everyone is having such a rough time.

Wasband returned from his hols yesterday so has had DD today. I'm going over to sort out the rest of our stuff tomorrow - must find out when he drops her off if he's going to have someone there as I haven't made plans for anone to come with me. Just want to get in and out as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Going to drop Form E, covering letter and Will instructions into solicitor tomorrow as well.

Have has PMT and accompanying nightmares for the last couple of days - mostly about him and the circumstances but clearly doing much better than most atm.

Had a lovely weekend with BIL and his family who are being incredibly lovely and supportive. Great for DD too as I'm an only child so they are her only cousins. We didn't see them too much as Wasband doesn't get on with them so it's wonderful to be able to enjoy family time with them now and DD and DNiece and DNephew seem to get on really well.

Oh Knitted, you are ten times the parent he is!! How can he not assure you he will make sure you and DD will be OK?? How can he put petty revenge ahead of DDs welfare? Something will turn up..because you will find a solution, you are determined and you are clever.
Tapir yeah only been a few weeks for me, everything reminds me of him all the time. But I will change, and 'even this will pass'. At least you are letting it all out, you've only got so many tears to cry, there's less to cry now! Warm hugs to all of us.

She's going abroad soon and he's borrowed all her money off her. He says he'll give it back. I hate him!

I posted half a post because H turned up home. Knitted are you sure you're not entitled to anything? Is rent very expensive where you are?

Husband is already starting to thaw. All well and goid, the atmosphere has been awful, but I know he'll expect to just go back to 'normal'. It's an oft repeated cycle. I'm fed up with it, and wont be repeating it again.