Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Good evening everyone,

Proper - yay! You have that big party, and look fabulous and shine all evening. Can totally relate to having lived a comfortable middle class lifestyle only to be faced with this shock. It does feel more real though, as painful as it is. He's (and thus we're) no longer living a lie.

Onlymeee it must be so excrutiating, dealing with someone in denial like that. Stay strong!!!

Itsover/startof how are you doing?

And Carrie sending love to yoooooooou in your crazy busy few weeks!

I'm okay though STBX can't get into his new flat for another 6 weeks. Arrrrgh! Oh but it's okay... he's booked an extravagant long weekend away with his friend to the USA so that's nice After telling me he's worried about money...

Moanranger so great to hear from someone's who's been through this sh*tstorm and emerged happier and stronger. Am trying to keep the faith x

Hope you all have calm and/or fun evenings planned

Moanranger - Thanks, I will be looking closely yes.
I know him too well tbh and know what he'll write for each section where explanations and comments are required. He'll use my mental health against me, but won't actually mention it in the comments (that's the main reason I haven't worked for so long and we've discussed it multiple times over the yrs so he knows the situation).

Trouble is if he and OW/GF aren't living together yet I can't do anything about that. They'll wait until the 6 months is up and then shack up.....He lives about 1hr away now so I can't even just pop round to check....

Form E is depressing me! LOL! Not even just the filling in, it's all the paperwork that goes with it. Add to that STBX doesn't keep me updated with what he's doing, he was supposed to finish his Form E at the end of last month but so far I (nor my SOL) have heard anything from him. He and his SOL won't communicate to my SOL either.

Managed to find a plumber to fix the leaky toilet, well the ball cock - and my what a dishy guy he is! The lady at work who recommended him said he was nice and he certainly is!

Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Finances have been agreed and stamped by court. Deadline of Oct 18th for my name to be removed from mortgage and money paid to me. Have booked a viewing on a house in a really good location for us (walking distance to both secondary schools and my workplace).

Oh well done Helpmeltb. Hope it all falls into place with the house.

Can I join in? Two weeks ago my husband announced he no longer wanted to be in our marriage and on Wednesday morning at 7am he gave me draft divorce papers. Which I felt was quite heartless and cold. I have a three year old daughter with him and we have just finished renovating a house over the last nine months so no savings and a considerable amount of debt.

He is pressuring me to complete our application for a second mortgage which I've refused. I've said to him id consider it if he agrees to a 70/30 split in equity in house ( I work reduced hours for childcare) and child residence which will not impact our daughter - effectively every other weekend but starting on Friday and finishing on Tuesday. I've also made a proposal for me to remain in the house until the current mortgage deal is up with his paying 30% of the mortgage for this period. Additionally his sole contribution to the renovation was a 15k loan - the deposit and stamp duty fees etc I paid.

He is ten years younger than me and I supported him financially for quite a long time and I feel screwed. He has massive earning potential whereas at 41 I'm unlikely to match his earnings moving forwards.

At the moment I'm reeling - I'm yet to engage a solicitor but have an appointment on the next week to figure out what to do.

This has been the icing on the cake of the shittest year ever, miscarriage, illness, my mum died, my dog died and now my marriage is over. I have no family support but loads of bloody brilliant mates!

He won't leave the house and is being vexatious.

I feel stupid and sick about trusting him. I know I will be ok but I'm just having a wobble. Everything will be ok won't it?!?!

Newstateswoman - I've only just seen this. So sorry for your situation what a bloody mess he's made. Sounds like you have so much on your plate... How are you doing today?

Helpme - did you go to see the house yet? Any good?

I'm doing okay, filed my divorce papers. Told STBX that I wanted to rethink our verbal agreement to split things 53%/47% as my dad waded in (which is really unlike him) and said I've got to suspend my goodwill to him and worry about the girls and our future. He's totally right of course, I'm just not thinking clearly at the moment. Hurting a lot...

That said, I had a hot date last night with a lovely man. I just want to feel desirable again and have some fun in this area before girls and I move once we sell the house. It's stupidly early days in our separation but I feel so guilty about it... which is bullsh*t. I think I need to seem upset and struggling but at the minute I'm realising how unhappy I was in my marriage (although thought we'd work through it because he was the love of my life) and seeing a new life for my girls and I.

Newstateswoman - that's a lot to go through in a year and it will take time but yes, everything will be ok.

Couch - yay to hot date.

House viewing was ok. Loved most of it, not sure if it has enough storage space, location was fab though. In a bit of turmoil over it. I'm not sure if I'm being overly cautious/fussy this time round because I'm on my own. I know I'll have to compromise on some bits - dp is a builder so going to speak to him tonight about options. House wasn't suitable for a lift conversion but wondering if it could still be useful storage space or if I could do something with garage (as I wouldn't park car in it - was down an awkward access road)

*loft not lift!

Can someone help please I've stared a thread but then just found this one! I'm clueless to what to do regarding starting proceedings with a divorce and I'm terrified I will get into debt. I'm on income support at the moment since he left. Can I divorce him without financial worries ?

I've no idea about the divorce costs except an estimate of around £1250 was what the solicitor I saw last week said. There may be help if you aren't working. That doesn't apply in my situation.

I went to see a solicitor the other week who I thought gave some strange advice. She said drop your hours more at work and claim tax credits. It seems counter intuitive to me. That's if my boss would agree me squeezing five day a week job into three days which is unlikely.

She then suggested selling the property and figuring out what I'd need to start again. I live in London and actually what I need doesn't not equate to 50 50 split. Sigh. I'd prefer to keep the house until my daughter finishes primary school and then sell and move. Sadly this means he's likely to stay there. Hmm not quite sure what to do.

I should add I'm going to see another solicitor on Friday who I hope can help.

The atmosphere in the house is awful- I feel intimidated and I'm not easily intimidated. There's been a lot to of bullying and harassment going on to get me to sign this second mortgage which I'm not going to do. He's so very angry with me which is worrying.

And very erratic. I get a load of abuse then he comes home and asks what I'm making for dinner? That's just weird isn't it?

To keep costs down you could talk to Citizens Advice. Could you be eligible for legal aid if you're on income support? I don't know.

Your ex does sound very difficult and controlling. Are you safe? And/or protecting yourself? Do you need intervention of some kind?

It's so nice to hear that you have been through this and can date again Couch - I hope that is me one day but that feels millions of years away. Broke down at work with my boss in a 121 meeting. I think the pressure is getting to me. Even my daughter is saying she doesn't know why daddy is so grumpy with me.

Don't get me wrong I do believe that there is fault on both sides but I don't believe I'm harassing him in the way that he thinks I am. I'm concerned that he might be taking drugs. I know he drinks heavily- he always has and I used to but now that I have a daughter and hangovers are an existential crisis I've cut down my consumption massively.

It feels hard right now as it's only been just over two weeks and this is where we are. It's our daughters third birthday on Saturday and he is being quite difficult about it,

Apparently his mother is coming over in the morning and then they are going out for lunch. Im torn between refusing it and taking her out or just grinning and bearing it. His family are a problem. I wasn't invited and today he said you can come too? So now I am invited? It's very confusing.

I've started writing down every conversation as he is trying to twist it all.

Mentally exhausting. :(

Yes - keep a journal newstate - I use a Touch ID pad locked one on my phone - Momento. You can do this. for you.

Why is it all so slow? Papers served 4th September, still waiting for his response, meanwhile he's lurking in the spare room, still lording it over us, expecting to be facilitated and coddled, ignoring him is less effort than engaging to explain why I'm not going to do x or y for him, I'm convinced he's still expecting me to say "oh okay let's call off the divorce, after all, you've reminded me just how lovely you are and it's been 7 whole weeks since you last swore at me and told me I had to change my ways and expect less from you"

Go there OnlyMe. I sent mine off a week ago and there's a new form so that's delayed it further as I'll have to send the forms off today. I get the 'let's call the whole thing off' sometimes I used to think if I said "shall we just carry on as we were?" (Unhappy as shit) he'd of been content. Urgh

@ironneonclasp I don't actually think he was unhappy, he certainly showed no awareness of my growing unhappiness over the last year! He claims to love me, which he is demonstrating by being a complete arse.

Thanks to all for messages. We are in a new dawn of a civil era. It's been ridiculous how things have escalated. He sat down with me and explained a few things and we have agreed to try to keep it civil for the sake of our daughter. Im seeing solicitor tomorrow re divorce. He agreed to pay some of the mortgage and the majority of the second loan if I agree to take it out, and my daughter and I can stay in the house and he will move out. When we come to sell the equity will be split in my favour. 65 -35 or similar. I think this is a good result. Hoping that things keep on being civil. Its been a nightmare over the last few weeks. Hope everyone else is keeping on keeping on.

Oh FFS, now I'm being accused of using the children as my slaves because when I wash up after cooking for them (6 days per week) I expect them to help dry and put away the stuff we used. The quicker twat STBExH goes, the better.

Just joining. My DP ended our relationship a couple of weeks ago.
We've lived together 8 years and have one child. Not married, his name on mortgage. Bit stuffed!
I want to move in 6 months to family 100 miles away. I have no income, child still young. Really not liking living with him, he plays on the fact I didn't want to break up. He doesn't want me to move, as I'm the main carer.

Second break up, have another child with Ex number 1.

My life is a diasaster!

Onlyme - my kids keep saying that to me cos I expect them to tidy their crap up and put their laundry away. I just keep telling myself I'm being consistent but it's hard. If stbxh started saying it i'd be fuming.

Financial order has been stamped. Stbxh has paid the money to his solicitor. My solicitor is going to apply for the absolute. But best news is that I've made an offer on a house and it was accepted yesterday

Yay @helpmeltb that's fabulous news! Over by Christmas! Welcome to the rest of your life