Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Has anyone taken a loan out to pay for divorce and any tips for best way to do it? TIA

Hi Onlymeeee gosh that does sound difficult. Can't believe he's assuming you'll be back together in 6 weeks! Can't offer any advice about reluctant H. My STBXH is pretty keen which is poss more straightforward (but hurts like hell). Someone will answer soon though am sure.

Ironneonclasp - Carriemaybe on this thread took a litigation loan out. Have a read back a few pages in this thread and you'll see her post. She's super fab though so sure she'd help with any experience xx

Counselling can help with the divorce process I think Onlymeeee, though I am a semi reluctant myself not my idea, I'm doing my best to get it over with quickly. Have you done the petition, mentioned separate sleeping and sexual estrangement that's important for the judge?
Still can't believe I'm typing this stuff and actually know about it! I'm sure after a couple sessions your stbxh will change his tune, it will only be the money that matters int the end...stick to your guns if that's what you want, keep telling him it's for the best, he needs to get on with it. Good luck

I've paid a solicitor who's done the divorce petition, apparently his solicitor advised him I could be bluffing?? £550 court fees to let him know "I really mean it this time" er, no! I sent in 9 or 10 unreasonable behaviours and there were 4 on the draft form I saw.

Well done Couch for getting through telling the children. And your H has yet again shown what a coward he is but disappearing because he couldn't handle the emotion. Poor lamb. What the hell gives him (and my ex and no doubt countless others) the bloody right to choose not to have to deal with what they have created? Makes my blood boil 😡

The dream you had, I had similar in the aftermath. I guess it's our subconscious dealing with everything - he has hurt your DD with what's he's done and the dream kind of makes sense. Still horrific for you though.

You've done well to get house valued so quickly, as for not having been paid I hope your H is going to help out financially? Have you discussed money with him yet?

Iron I am in the process of taking out a litigation loan. There are many places that offer them but I am going with Novitas. They charge a ridiculous set up fee (£500) but they were the only one I could find that don't require any repayments until the divorce is done and then I can clear it out of my settlement. Interest is 1.5% a month, so about £900 for every £10,000 borrowed which isn't too bad - I see the whole divorce process as throwing good money after bad so can't get too hung up on interest rates I'm afraid. You only pay back what you've used, they approve an overall amount but it is only drawn down as required. So, for example, my solicitor is applying for £30k on my behalf but it will only get drawn down each time she presents a monthly interest so hopefully at the end I won't have used all that £30k and therefore won't pay interest on any that hasn't been drawn down.

Hope that helps

only best piece of advice I can give you is to ignore anything your ex says and, even better, don't actually discuss any of the divorce directly with him because I can pretty much guarantee his solicitor has said nothing of the sort to him.

I've lost count of the times my ex has claimed his solicitor has said something. When I've repeated it to my solicitor, she has rolled her eyes and said that ex's solicitor is very professional and would never pass comment like that etc. It's all lies to try and manipulate me and I'd bet my life your ex is just hoping that you're bluffing.

I'm fairly certain too that, as the respondent, your ex will have to pay you back that £550 plus what it costs for your sol to actually do the paperwork relating to the actual divorce (not financial aspects or child arrangements, purely the application etc, mine came to another £750+vat) so make sure you find out whether you can get that back off him 😊

FFS stbxh has told the kids I get more money than him - given that he out earns me by £25k a year and pays about £4.5k a year in maintenance I don't know quite how that works. Even with his higher bills he's better off.

Oh yeah and gf moved in over the summer.... into the house where my name is still on the mortgage

My ex has tried that line too, I just simply tell the kids it isn't true. I don't know whether these men are deluded and actually believe it or if it's just another one of their many lies and attempts to mainulate every situation.

That's tough about the gf, what is happening with the house? Will you be selling or planning to take your name off mortgage?

Oh Helpme it's hard isn't it. All you can do is to tell the kids calmly that this is not correct. It's worth emailing ex for the record, telling him to stop involving the children in details of the divorce and referring to the Relate guidelines on this.
Have you changed the house register from joint to 'tenants in common'? Means your half is treated separately not jointly if something happens before final financial separation. It's quite cheap cost me 166 includiing new will. Worth doing if you not living there!! Hope you have a positive week everyone

CarryMayBe - thanks so much for advice. I've just secured a Sainsbury's loan. Ridiculous rates but 2 month holiday and over 2 years. I pay off a couple of loans next month so hoping I won't really notice.. Has to be done. Relationship ended Oct, he moved out in May and I need the paperwork finalised. No assets between us, extremely amicable..... Thanks again 😊

Divorces seem to be happening quite quickly ATM so fingers crossed.... 🤞

That's good Iron, I can guarantee the Sainsbury loan will be better rates than a litigation loan. I just can't afford anything extra each month to repay a standard loan, especially given my ex has stopped maintenance 🙄

Having one of those days today where I'm so done with it all. I have a mountain of paperwork to submit before the court deadline and I can tell find the motivation to sort through it all. Planning to put it off until the kids are back in school later this week then plough through it.

Some days I wonder what my mind did before all this happened - it's constantly in overdrive nowadays thinking about the divorce and all the shit that comes with it. What on earth occupied my thoughts before all this?

Hi all. STBX filed for divorce. Next we have to exchange Form E's. Going to need help with that!

I can relate to a lot of stuff here. My mind never seems to switch off at the moment.

If you go onto the wikivorce website there is a really good step-by-step plan on how to fill out a Form E. They're reasonably straightforward if you know what you're doing but some of the questions can be a little ambiguous and obviously you need to fill it in correctly.

Do you have a solicitor? If so, they will check it over for you once completed and will tell you what, if anything, needs adding to it.

When filling out your financial needs section, make sure you really detail absolutely everything. My solicitor gave me an expenses sheet that listed every tiny thing I needed to spend money on- from toiletries to birthday gifts for the DC's friends! Really helped to make sure I accounted for quite literally every penny.

You will also need 12 months worth of bank statements, proof of any loans/credit card debts/finance agreements/pension CETV/P60/house valuation/mortgage details ...there's a long list!

Happy to help if I can with any of it if needed

This is a good expenses form

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/Financial/428224-Form-E-Income-and-Capital-Needs-list.html

And the guide on how to fill form E in, literally question by question. I found This invaluable!

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/Ancillary-Relief/381461-How-to-complete-the-new-form-E.html

Ah, thanks!! I am dreading it, I've had a quick read through and some of it does sound ambiguous. I want to get it right. I will fill it in, with the help of my Dad and Sis, and then make sure my SOL looks at it before sending. I am not good with the little expenses though. That will be my downfall. I won't be doing it til next week so can take my time to read through those forms!
I'll also buy a new printer cartridge as I have a feeling I'll need to print a few of those things myself!

My sister helped me with mine, it's handy to have someone with you who remind you of something you've missed off.

Just guess things if you don't know exactly, but best to slightly over estimate than under. Things like school uniform, I went on M&S website and stuck a year's worth in my basket then divided the total by 12 to give me my monthly expenditure for that even though I buy it from Tesco

Don't forget to include things that you may not spend on now but will do in future. For example, I've never had breakdown insurance as we always had a second car and ex used to fix them himself. I knew I'd need to take it out down the line though so googled prices for that. I had to google all car maintenance costs as I'd never dealt with stuff like that. It's tough but it's not as daunting as the form initially looks I promise!

I suppose it's a little different for me as both DC's aren't kids any more. Well, DS is nearly 20 and DD will be 18 mid-next yr.
I didn't realise it had to be so specific. I wasn't going to put that sort of thing down (car maintenance etc.., although like you, STBX was handy that way and used to do most of it himself). In fact I wasn't going to put anything like that down. I mean, it's all down to me after the divorce. The only thing i really want in the settlement is a decent part of the equity.

What happens about money gifts? Even with decent equity, to buy somewhere (i.e. not a dump) I need to have a bit more money plus a small mortgage, and my dad is kindly giving me a lump sum. Or maybe I can buy STBX out, we're not sure yet, but I don't want that to affect the outcome of the settlement. Seems I may be screwed with that situation.

Well it all depends. Do you work? Have you always worked full time or have you been part time/SAHM? If your earning capacity has been reduced due to needing to care for the children, and your ex earns far more than you do or could, then you may have a claim for spousal maintenance. That's partly what the expenses form would determine - whether you can afford to live on your current income. Also, it will affect the amount you get in a settlement if your needs are greater than his because you don't or can't earn enough to rehouse yourself.

As for the lump sum from your dad, I wouldn't breathe a word about that! Take legal advice on that one but obviously, the more funds you have, the lesser your need will be in regards of what you get in settlement.

Dont let your dad give you any money before the divorce is through either, any savings you have will be counted as assets and therefore added to the pot when it comes to dividing everything up.

I was a SAHM for a long time, that's been complicated. I now have 2 part time jobs just under £15k. His earning capacity is 3 1/2 times mine. (and he will be able to include his GF's money once they move in together..... but that's not my business). His pension is 5x mine at present.

I couldn't really afford to re-home myself - so the 'kids' could at least visit or move back home after Uni - if it weren't for the lump sum from my Dad, that's my issue! Nope, I wasn't going to put that down, my STBX doesn't even know my Dad has moved....
I do have savings but not a lot and I have been saving so I can buy a better car (18 yr old clapped out one won't last much longer!). STBX and his car+motorbike are equal to my savings.
I don't want anything other than the equity, and STBX certainly won't want to give me anything!

It doesn't matter what he wants to give you, fortunately it's not down to choice! You would have a claim on his pension, don't overlook that. My ex doesn't have a pension and neither do I (we always planned to sell his business upon our retirement) and it's left me terrified of what will happen when I retire.

Also, remember that 50/50 share is only a starting point. If your needs are deemed greater than his because of the disparity in your earning potential then you may get more than that. However, your need will only be for a one-bedroomed property once your youngest is 18 as they don't count them then.

Do you have a solicitor?

It'sover, you seem a very independent minded woman but Im not sure why you don't want your fair share of his pension and a lump sum in lieu of his extra earnings especially if it means your kids can't come home....sorry doesn't sound very supportive! I'd buy your new car now, then you will have a fairer share of the assets. Should not take money from your Dad until after the finance is agreed and the Absolute declared. Sounds like he won't care once he's off!

That's my concern.
'Kids' don't automatically NOT need a home once they turn 18 though. They'll both be at Uni, where are they going to during and after? Leaving home isn't as easy as it once was. I feel I'll get the short end of the stick with this once the divorce goes through, as STBX will shack up with his new GF (who may be the OW, I don't know.... he's definitely known her since before the split...) and won't want them going to his to live.
His pension really isn't a lot considering, and I'd rather have more equity for buying a place. Anyone else I just want this over with once it's started? So long winded.
Thanks for the advice. I should take my 'chatter' to my own thread! sorry for the hijack.

Unfortunately, I can't afford the car yet, not while paying the SOL fees. and other expenses that I'm now left with. (DD bus pass to college for a yr, pet insurance etc..).

Yes I've got a DD at Uni too It'sover.the law really doesn't reflect real it Yb does it....we will struggle to afford a big enough place each I think even with our relatively healthy pensions and equity, and we are both recently retired (I was a very elderly second time Mum). You could make a strong case for more equity I agree. Good luck!!