Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

The amount it will cost terrifies me, and will of course have to come out of my share of the settlement at the end. I have managed to find my legal costs so far myself but now he has stopped paying maintenance I will have to take out a litigation loan. This is better than borrowing off family as the court will treat it as an official debt; loans from family etc are often seen as a 'soft loan' and not necessarily repayable.

I thought my ex would finally realise what he'd done once people started to find out, once he actually had to tell them why we'd split. Instead, he has rewritten history and told them our marriage was awful and had to end regardless. He has convinced himself, and others, that it had nothing to do with him having an affair and therefore he is not to blame. I've given up trying to argue it, I know the truth, the people who love me and matter to me know the truth, and one day so will my children.

I'm not finding the therapy overly useful, yes it's nice to be able to talk about it all once a week with someone totally unconnected but there's not much she can say really! She has helped me see I can fill the void he has left in terms of who can help support me and stopped me running to my ex or ex-MIL whenever I need some help - that was something I really struggled with initially as they were my go-to for over 20yrs and I've had to learn a new way of coping without them. She has also at times made me feel validated by saying 'it's not you, it's him' whenever he tries to make me feel like I'm the crazy one. I think it's definitely worth exploring, you can't have too much support at a time like this. I only have 3 sessions left (NHS provided) so it won't keep me going until his divorce is through but it has had its uses.

I'm much stronger than I was 8/9 months ago but I still have days where I howl my eyes out at the state of my life. But I do know this too will pass...one day I'll be happy again and I already know my life is so much better without him in it.

couch - I found stbxh got worse at times where he didn't have a lot of money (just before pay day, etc). That's when I suddenly became the one taking all his money . I also think his gf affected his attitude to me too.

One thing I will say is that it's a rollercoaster and you need to keep remembering that. When you feel shit, just remember that you will have days when you feel stronger than ever too. I find little things help - filling my car up because he used to do the driving at weekends and I don't pass a petrol station on the way to work so he always did it and I know he told a colleague I couldn't do it...makes me laugh every time.

Hi Helpmeltb - yes the money will be the thing I can already tell. And I can't think about what it'll be like when he gets a new partner It definitely is a rollercoaster. I've retreated to bed to cry quietly while the girls are drifting off to sleep. Really can't bear this pain

Good triumph on filling up the car I've been nervous thinking about how I've allowed myself to become dependent e.g. haven't a clue about IT as that's STBXH's department. I have recently learned to drive but know nothing about how cars work or how to even put air in the tyres.

Carrie you're so strong and have good reason to be as you have done nothing wrong and are fighting for your family. Sounds like you already know this but you WILL get through this and thrive again

And so will you Couch but I cannot stress enough how early days it is for you. And, if I'm honest, I'm worried about when it will really hit you because you need to process this. You need to grieve and allow yourself the time to do this.

I know at the moment you probably can't see past the holiday and maybe when you get back it'll be when things really hit home. Is he still living with you or has he left?

And with regards to learning how to do the things your ex did for you - you will learn. Although, I've gone 8 months without putting air in my tyres yet 😂 I intend to get my brother to give me a crash course (no pun intended) on all that stuff. Do you have anyone who can do that for you? I hate going into my loft so my best friend comes round with her loft ladder and does it for me. It's all about finding other people to fill those roles if you can't do it yourself. You'd be surprised how many people offer to help once they know and I cannot stress this enough - take up their offers. That's not you being weak, it will actually help you to stay strong

I wish this holiday wasn't about to happen. The girls would be devastated if we don't go. But it is delaying me being able to process it all. We're in a wierd limbo. He's still here, living in the loft. Rent around here is as much as the mortgage and don't think he could afford both. I'm happy for now to let him stay here but not sure how long that will last. And not doing his fucking washing (although one of his shirts got in with a wash today grrr).

Your mates sound fabulous Carrie. I will reach out to friends once we start telling people...

What are you all doing this evening? xx

Evening all, didn't get notifications about updates what a saga there's been! Couch I'm so sorry you've had this shock, feels like you've had your legs cut under you doesn't it, I'm a few months ahead of you, the palpitations will pass...you're doing brilliantly, had some fantastic advice on here.
I'm still living in a houseful of young adult children and friends, with stbxh. I finally told him I was in control of divorce timings today, been waiting to enjoy that moment, otherwise keeping very offhand as he is a bit narcissistic and it drives him mad, besides being what is sensible legally.
Don't get less than you are entitled to, its for your kids as well as you..remember their loving DF wil be shacked up and sharing expenses with an OW quite quickly. Sorry to say

Thanks properjob Yes legs cut from under you is the perfect description. Hope you're doing okay. So you're in a shared house with STBXH? Either way a busy household. Are you coping with it okay? Do you have good support?

I've woken up today feeling strangely alright. Looking at where DDs and I will live have worked out there's no way I could afford anything around here. Considering moving back to my hometown to be near my parents and a few friends. I could buy a nice house outright with a fair amount from the divorce. I was violently opposed to this on Tuesday so will see what my brain tells me next...

How are you all feeling today?

Considering moving back to your hometown sounds a good plan Couch, don't underestimate how helpful that extra support will be in terms of emergency childcare and company for you. I wish I could up sticks and move near to my sister but she lives in one of the most expensive parts of the country and I'd barely to be able to afford a garden shed if I did! At least if I stay in the area I'm currently in, I should be able to buy a 4/5 bed house outright hopefully.

Sounds like you have enough space for your STBExH to carry on living there for the time being. I'm not sure how you're managing to be around him but well done for doing so. Is his affair continuing do you know? Mine finished it when I found out but I suspect picked it straight back up as soon as he decided he was leaving me.

I still struggle with thoughts of him being with somebody else. I'm sure he's with someone it there's nothing out in the open, he definitely lives alone and the children haven't met anybody yet. I suspect he's waiting until the divorce is through before the big reveal. When I'm finding such thoughts difficult, I just console myself with the fact that at least now he isn't coming home to my bed after being with whoever he's with, like he did during his affair.

Keep on keeping on Couch, you're doing so well

Gosh Couch wish I could be near my sister too but she's the other side of the country to my parents. Stay focussed on your plan. If you stay where you are at least that's some important consistency for your DCs. I worry wrenching them out of London life will be too much.

We're being civil with each other. Going to have a cup of tea in the lounge with the girls tonight. OW is Russian and lives in another country. He has described her as a friend who he's 'turned to when things were bad between us' said dismissively that he doesn't love her, just a friend, though he's seen fit to shag her for over 6 years. Why aren't I more angry about this? Think because I'm convinced he truly understands that he's fucked it all up: seeing his girls every day, his financial security and also that now it's HIM that's the cause of a family split like his mother who he seems to despise.

Carrie I will really struggle with thoughts of him being with someone else - I think I could turn nasty then. You're right though, at least he's not hoodwinking you anymore. And I always think it's a turkey of a prize for OW to get an adulterer. How could you ever trust them? It will be really hard when he moves out, when we sell the house, when he gets someone else. It'll eat me up inside as I still love him... I really haven't processed this all yet. Day 6...

Couch?! I meant Carrie... brain is mush

Oh I know I will struggle to ever see him with someone else. I didn't know the OW so I can't compare her to myself, don't have an image in my head etc. When it becomes reality then it's going to be so hard but luckily it hasn't happened yet and I'm far enough down the line to be able to say I would never have him back, ever. So, the way I see it is whoever it may be will be welcome to him because he made me truly miserable with his joy-sucking ways and that's something he still hasn't changed. They won't be getting the prize, far from it.

Whereas, I can be more picky about who I get with in the future and all the things I couldn't stand about him won't be replicated in somebody else I can assure you! I wouldn't dream of getting with someone who couldn't cook, or at least wish to learn to, because having full responsibility for every single meal we ate in over 20yrs took its toll eventually 🙄 Small victories and all that!

It's a real kick in the teeth when they say they didn't love the OW. I could be wrong but I imagine I would've found that easier, star crossed lovers and all that. To know it effectively didn't mean enough to ruin their family's lives and pretty much chuck a hand grenade into everything ...that hurts more somehow.

Day 6 and you're still doing so well Couch. You can do this

Afternoon ladies. I'm taking a dive on the rollercoaster today... it's becoming more real. Had a discussion about the nitty gritty with STBXH and he's agreed to move out when we return from holiday. I'll probably live here until the divorce is finalised and then find somewhere else to live. Still able to talk openly with each other, still civil. He has just brought me a cup of tea up whilst I'm mumsnetting doing some work.

Still cordial though business-like which is the best I can hope for I guess. Connecting with the anger today and I'll be so glad to have some support when we tell people after the holiday. I want a clean break. Don't think I'll like still being in the house but it is best for the girls. He has been a lovely husband at times but he is able to lie and deceive with remarkable skill and I want him out of my life now...

Oh Couch, it's so bloody hard isn't it? Let that anger come though, you'll find it will carry you through at times.

You do know you won't have to leave the house if you decide not to? Your choice of course and I don't know how it works with regards to finances but I do know he can't make you leave until the children are a certain age, at least until they've finished full-time education. But, I do think it's for the best that he moves out asap, I don't know how people manage to continue living together after something like this.

Keep talking, we're all here for you. Good luck for tomorrow and the next week, try and enjoy your holiday with your girls.

Thanks Carrie you have made such a difference to my week I can't tell you, thanks for your support. Think I would've gone mad without this outlet. Thank you all for your support and wise words.

Hope you all have a good, calm 10 days and I'll check in when I'm back. Will be less me me me then I hope

Couch xx

Use MN as an outlet whenever you need to, it's invaluable at times like these.

I'll be thinking of you whilst you're away, and stop the talk of it being 'me,me, me' I think the majority of us on this thread are further down the line than you are. We've been in your shoes and we're all here to listen and hopefully help you through.

My ex's solicitor wrote to me at the beginning of the month advising that ex would no longer be making repayments on a finance agreement I had taken out when we moved into our new home last year (it was for new carpets). We'd discussed this before ex left and he agreed to continue paying it, even though it was in my name, as I was paying a similar amount already for other money we'd borrowed.

Anyway, I can't argue it as it's in my name and not hugely expensive repayments so I went into online banking this morning to see if I could change the account the direct debit comes out of. It was coming out of our joint account which my name is still on although I haven't used it since ex left.

Bloody arsehole has already cancelled the direct debit and therefore I have defaulted on this month's payment! He didn't bother to inform me of this and I've had no correspondence through from the finance company querying why it's been cancelled or to inform me I've defaulted. I'm bloody livid! Customer services are closed today so I will call them first thing and rectify it but honestly, what would it have hurt for him just to let me know what he'd done?

Hi ladies just reading through the thread, you are an inspirational bunch. I am now looking at divorce following my stbh emotional affair. I am lucky in that we have enough equity for me to buy a new place outright with a charging order attached for 10 years time max . My kids have been gray, both teenagers appear to be coping well and I m feeling positive so far. In fact it feels a bit unnatural. I m just going to keep read g and learning if that's ok. Massive respect to you all.

Hi everyone. What have I missed over the past 10 days? Carrie did you sort out the finance agreement default? -have you made a voodoo doll yet?- Hi juststopit sorry you're going through this but it does sound straightforward so far. Great that your DCs are doing ok. How are you?

Well we're back from holiday. It was very wierd but saying that we did all have a nice time. It at least gave STBXH and I the chance to work out how to act around eachother now e.g. he asked me repeatedly do you want me to put suncream on your back? "No thanks I've got it" sweet smile -I don't know where your hands have been-. The holiday also really served a purpose for DDs to get used to being with us separately as well as together. STBXH and I hardly talked about divorce-related stuff but when we did it was productive. And we didn't argue which was positive.

My emotions are up and down but it's dawning on me that I can create a future that I want, not a compromised version because we have different priorities. And that makes me feel great. I took time to reflect that I was actually fairly unhappy in our marriage (but I thought it was just a bad phase because we have young kids and little time to ourselves and that we'd work through it because we loved eachother...) and also realise how short-tempered he is with our DDs and that it's not just because he's stressed at work. It was hard not to feel happy on a nice holiday and our DDs were fabulous (mostly...) but it's back to reality now. I'm braced for another bad spell as things start to get real... We're telling DDs tomorrow

How have you all been?

Oh Couch, good to see that you made it through your holiday 😊 I've been thinking about you and checking this thread since yesterday to see how you got on.

It sounds as though your holiday has been therapeutic in a way, I can't tell you how much I admire you for going and for managing to keep things so civil. I was a sobbing mess at the stage you're at, it's my biggest regret that I couldn't even pretend to be calm and together during that time as I really feel I made a fool of myself and I hate to think I gave him that satisfaction.

You know, I think you're going to be ok at the end of all this. It's not an easy road ahead at times but that's what your family and friends - and us here - are for, lean on everybody when you need to. But you can do this

I well remember that gut-wrenching feeling of dread when it comes to telling the children. All I can offer is to be honest with them, cry with them, don't put on too brave a face as it will help them to see that you're hurting just like they are. The best single piece of advice I had in the aftermath was from my GP. He told me that when I woke up each morning in the days following the children finding out, to do all my crying etc in the shower. Get it out of my system and then put on a positive face for the children at breakfast. I'm not sure if that's right or not but I tried my hardest to do it and it definitely helped me, and I like to think it helped them too. Of course I'd fall apart again most days once I'd dropped them at school but my main focus was to hold it together until they were out of the house.

I did get the defaulted payment sorted thank you, the chap on the phone was shocked that ex had managed to cancel the DD when it was in my name and waived the charge for defaulting bless him. He couldn't guarantee it wouldn't affect my credit rating though I'm busy now trying to sort out all the forms for the court deadline, I chased CMS yesterday as still hadn't heard anything about the mandatory recalculation only to find out it hadn't even been auctioned! I was then told it's a variation I need to ask for instead (which I did initially only to be told I needed a recalculation grrrrr) and they're now sending out forms. And the onus is on me to prove he is earning more than 10 grand a year!! So, do all you can now to get yourself whatever proof you will need down the line. Tax return if you can lay your hands on it, or, if your H is like my ex and pays himself a wage into his bank then get copies of bank statements. I'm so glad I have at least those as proof. It's such a shitty system and seems almost designed to let the feckless bastards get away with paying virtually nothing.

Oh, and with regards to you realising that you were fairly unhappy in your marriage - that was a turning point for me. When I stopped thinking of everything I'd lost and started to think of what I was actually gaining.

I took the children to London for the day last week. Just me and them and we had an amazing time. I would never have been brave enough to do that whilst in my marriage, ex would've come with us and ruined the whole day with his whinging, snappiness at all of us and just generally being an arse. It was so much better without him and I am constantly reminded of that whenever we go anywhere. I spend much more time with my family now too, he hated all that stuff, and my children have built an amazing relationship with their cousins who they very rarely saw before all this.

So many positives amongst all the crap parts. Ok, some days you have to dig deeper than others to see them or appreciate them but they are there. Focus on those as much as you can.

Couch - I think you did amazing to go on holiday together

Thanks Carrie and Helpmeltb means a lot.

Carrie your GP sounds fab, the shower thing is a great tip. I'll keep that in mind. Telling them yesterday was horrible. They wept for about an hour. We just stayed in all day eating sweets, playing Minecraft and crying on and off (STBXH made himself scarce as he can't deal with emotion ) and my eldest slept with me in my bed last night. Then I had a HORRIFIC dream that STBXH gave her a lethal injection in her arm and I had to keep her calm and cuddle her while she slipped away. Still welling up thinking about it.

Such a relief to have told my friends and family now, they've been nothing short of fantastic. Had the house valued today and speaking to my divorce lawyer cousin tomorrow. Moving forward. Although I'm freelance and returned from holiday to find out that I haven't been paid so have £40 to last me 10 days...

How are you all doing?

Hiya all and we'll done Couch. 5 months in and things just the same with me, no house sale, all living together, stuck... but there's change a- coming. I'm planning my 60th party and it's going to be massive. DD will go back to Uni, and DS who has been with us for 2 months licking his wounds will move into a rented room in the city with our support (so not living with his Dad as I was told in mediation!). Stbxh and I have bickered a bit, but actually had a talk that cleared the air recently. We will get more or less 50% each so not much to fight about really now the emotional shock is over. I have been very down, but the last week has been better. I have two friends who've started new relationships at 62 so live in hope although I'm not ready to start all that quiteyet (well my body is, but not my head)! The lesson I've learned is to try not to look ahead too much, you just don't know what wil happen until it does. And you can cope with a much messier house than you thought, when you were in charge of all that.

Hi Properjob - gosh 5 months under the same roof that must be tough. At least you can see change is afoot. Hopefully the next chapter will ease things and hasten progress. At least you're still communicating and have gotten past the initial emotional shock. It's a crap thing to happen How have your children been? When you say your son has been licking his wounds do you mean he reacted badly to the news?

Oh and I'm sure a wonderful new relationship will come in time. When both your body and mind are ready xxx

Can I join you please? I've started my divorce 10 months after STBExH asked for one, 10 months of alternate sulking and screaming at me, never knowing if he was going to join family activities. He moved out briefly, then back in, to separate rooms, separate food, washing, finances etc.
I've been to mediation, his invitation arrived yesterday, he wanted us to go to counselling, I said yes as he's impossible to talk to and I thought a 3rd party would help.
At counseling intake they asked how many sessions we thought we needed.
I was gobsmacked when he said he thinks we'll be back together in 6 weeks.
Something tells me this isn't going to be easy.
Has anyone divorced a reluctant ex? My solicitor said it can be done,but any tips?