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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Further support for those starting the divorce process

678 replies

NotJanine · 11/04/2017 09:22

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other Smile

OP posts:
itsovernow1 · 05/09/2017 21:01

Properjob - nope it doesn't. Sadly. The 'kids' lose out as they have the uncertainty. STBX doesn't seem bothered unfortunately. I doubt he'll say they can stay with him. He and his new GF won't want that I should imagine. He only sees DD once a month as it is, since he moved out.
Hope your situation gets better and good luck to you.

Startoftheyear2017 · 06/09/2017 00:38

Feeling beaten down this evening. This is just such a drawn out painful experience. I wish I wasn't reading this thread, that my idiot stbxh wasn't in my life and things were easier. Sorry, just needed to tell that to someone.

twinkerbell · 06/09/2017 01:03

I am still very early days.
its been almost 7 weeks since one of the worst and most shocking discoveries of my life so far.
In that time I have run away (for a week) cried a lot, got a solicitor, sold my beautiful family home and had an offer accepted on another one.
I don't really like the house I am buying (well its okay but I don't like the area)
I hate my dh for doing this to us
My family HATE him
My dd hasn't a clue what he has done and keeps telling me its all my fault
Life is absolutely shit and I feel out of control

couchtospecialk · 06/09/2017 08:52

No time to reply properly but Startof and Twinkerbell I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I am too, it's awful isn't it? I wanted to say that I have faith it will get better. That the hurt will subside and we will build new, wonderful lives for ourselves. PM me if you want to talk, I empathise so much. Lots of love to you both. You can do this xxx

itsovernow1 · 06/09/2017 12:03

Startoftheyear2017 - hope it gets better soon. The process is so complicated isn't it?
twinkerbell - Wow, that's a lot in a short space of time. Hoping it gets better and you can make your new house a home.Your DD in time will move on and maybe find out the truth.

CarrieMayBe · 06/09/2017 12:13

Twinkerbell - you've done so much in such a short space of time! You need time to process this and grieve for your relationship. No wonder you are struggling, it's perfectly natural and it's just too much to take in all at once.

Was your house already on the market or have you marketed it and sold it so quickly?

How old is your DD? Can you possibly, in an age appropriate way, gently explain what her father has done? You shouldn't be taking all the blame in this, but I was also told by a family support worker that children lash out at the resident parent because that's who they feel safest with. They know we aren't the ones who abandoned them and therefore know they're secure enough with us to offload the anger and upset that they are experiencing. Try not to take it to heart but god, I know exactly how hard that is.

All any of us can do is take baby steps throughout all of this. Not even one day at a time, I've literally had to do one hour at a time during some of this last year. Honestly couldn't think any further ahead than that, just to get through yet another hideous day. There's nothing wrong in that, our minds can only take so much.

Start - I could've written your post exactly this morning. I've finally received a copy of ex's last tax return. Funnily enough, his income for 2016 is 8 times that which he told Child Maintenace Service. The bastard.

CarrieMayBe · 06/09/2017 12:14

Twinkerbell - you've done so much in such a short space of time! You need time to process this and grieve for your relationship. No wonder you are struggling, it's perfectly natural and it's just too much to take in all at once.

Was your house already on the market or have you marketed it and sold it so quickly?

How old is your DD? Can you possibly, in an age appropriate way, gently explain what her father has done? You shouldn't be taking all the blame in this, but I was also told by a family support worker that children lash out at the resident parent because that's who they feel safest with. They know we aren't the ones who abandoned them and therefore know they're secure enough with us to offload the anger and upset that they are experiencing. Try not to take it to heart but god, I know exactly how hard that is.

All any of us can do is take baby steps throughout all of this. Not even one day at a time, I've literally had to do one hour at a time during some of this last year. Honestly couldn't think any further ahead than that, just to get through yet another hideous day. There's nothing wrong in that, our minds can only take so much.

Start - I could've written your post exactly this morning. I've finally received a copy of ex's last tax return. Funnily enough, his income for 2016 is 8 times that which he told Child Maintenace Service. The bastard.

couchtospecialk · 06/09/2017 20:37

Good evening Flowers

Carrie - 8 times?! How can he live with himself? Anyway lucky you don't have to now. You're a powerhouse, you can do this and your kids will love you for it. One day they'll realise which of their parents had their priorities right.

It seems a few of us on this board are struggling at the moment. Flowers for all.

I tearily told my line manager today who was supportive so that's a relief. I have the joy of an STI check tomorrow Sad then to spend the evening tidying the house so the estate agent can take photos on friday. I'm working on my petition this evening too - will file that by the weekend. Otherwise I could sit staring at a wall for hours... I feel that flat and listless.

Startoftheyear2017 · 06/09/2017 23:42

It seems like such an unfair process. Everything seems to support my hopeless, selfish, spendthrift and false stbxh. I really have had enough of this. I want him out of my life. I want to be able to heal.

Onlymeeeeee · 08/09/2017 08:32

Further to my previous post about divorcing someone who didn't think there was anything wrong with their behavior, I got a wedding anniversary card and gift. Not a word spoken, and a brief respite from the emails complaining about my parenting skills and domestic management arrangements. Honestly though, he thinks ignoring divorce papers, whinging about the way I've done jobs around the house that he's not touched for years and a card on our anniversary is the way to save the marriage?

Properjob · 08/09/2017 09:32

Good heavens Onlymeeee he has a problem!! Mind you I had no clue what was coming, stbxh asked for finance separation for first time ever last November, stopped having sex, should have known....but I didn't. However now I do I'm trying to get it over with asap.
Your stbxh is emailing to build up a case against you but he doesn't realise it makes no difference really in court, it's all about equal shares first. If he's complaining about jobs you've done this shows you have done them, he's shooting himself in the foot!
My stbxh is really lazy with the house too, he thinks its beneath him and is bloody useless.

Properjob · 08/09/2017 09:35

Oh and Startofyear sorry to hear you feeling down. I do think everyone is a bit, it's the weather on top of everything else! Such a long haul eh. Flowers

IronNeonClasp · 11/09/2017 23:09

Sent my divorce off today Smile

Properjob · 11/09/2017 23:31

Good luck Iron! Wine

couchtospecialk · 12/09/2017 04:58

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? Iron well done Wine Biscuit Star

I can't sleep. Made a verbal agreement with STBXH about percentage asset split last week, comparatively low my solicitor thought. He has always been generous with money, used dividends from his business to overpay mortgage, do home improvements or take us on holidays etc. and I've been thinking I want to recognise that in our settlement. Anyway, I haven't been away from our family 'unit' since I found out he'd cheated and I decided to divorce him (and he's still living at home) until last weekend. I spent time with my parents and my dad has made me see sense that I'm not going to be thinking clearly at the moment and that I have to suspend my goodwill and think about myself and the girls. STBXH always managed the big money decisions and I'm struggling to work out how much money I'll need to run a household by myself - I've done budget planners but am thinking about including a contingency for e.g. if I need a new boiler or block payments upfront for gymnastics classes? Can anyone recommend a budget tool that includes 'rainy day' things like this?

STBXH got all defensive when I told him this last night even though I explained my reasons why. It's funny, a few friends have told me now that they never liked him! One friend in particular said she always thought he was a hot head, and he really is and I realise how much I've been living on eggshells around him. He threatened solicitors but then calmed down. Said he's worried about money but earlier in the evening he told me HE'S BOOKED TO GO TO THE USA FOR A LONG WEEKEND! That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I realised that he's going to have so many more freedoms than I will once he leaves the house. I'm really not thinking clearly (hearing the love of your life has been having an affair for 6 YEARS will do that to you) and I can't wait to move on to the next chapter.

Will file my petition today once I can find somewhere to photocopy it...

Sorry this post became so long!

Couch Flowers

Properjob · 12/09/2017 08:32

Hello all what are you doing this minute? Am sitting in kitchen while stbxh makes coffee. House reduced again, still no interest...daughter back to Uni soon. I am 60 soon.
Well done on the petition Couch you've done that quickly.
Hope you all cope OK today Flowers

couchtospecialk · 12/09/2017 11:05

Hi Proper Flowers hope that coffee was a good one! How do you feel about daughter going back to uni? Also the big birthday coming up?

My petition is now in the post, recorded delivery to arrive tomorrow before 1pm Gin Gin Gin Gin

Onlymeeeeee · 12/09/2017 12:43

I've had an email confirming the STBExH has just over a week left to respond to the court, and I know the deadline for MIAM was Friday. I must admit I don't quite know how these two deadlines work together, but STBExH is still denying the need for divorce. Apparently I should make some changes then we'll be happy together.

I am making some changes. Getting divorced.Hmm

Properjob · 12/09/2017 12:45

Hi Couch, pleased for my daughter she's well out of it. This weird pseudo family life is not sustainable. Having a big party for the big 60, feel supported but not ecstatic TBH. Never ever thought this situation was coming for me. I was living a privileged middle class life with no clue. But hey it could be all so much worse. Just got to finish the job....Have a good or at least OK day...

Onlymeeeeee · 12/09/2017 17:52

What a shocker! Email from his solicitor to mine asking to share half the costs rather than pursue him for all.
So he is engaging with the process after all.

itsovernow1 · 12/09/2017 18:12

Does anyone else here get the dreaded feeling every now and again that you'll be screwed with the financial stuff? STBX always seems to come up smelling of roses and I'm worried this will no different.

He's also got his younger OW/GF and planning to live with her at some point (he knew her before we split, they work together and I noticed her on FB....yes my mind is suspicious!) bet he won't put that down on his Form E......he'll time it for after the 6 months has passed. Crafty bugger.

Startoftheyear2017 · 12/09/2017 18:19

Hey all, I'm finding things really tough at the moment. I saw my GP this morning and I'm increasing my anti-depressant dose. I'm hoping that will help. I also had a comfortable middle class life, no clue what a shitstorm was heading my way. Can't really believe how unfair the whole process is. Sorry to be gloomy.

itsovernow1 · 12/09/2017 18:35

Startoftheyear2017 - It seems to be the time for gloominess all round. Hope the new dose helps. Maybe go to your local supermarket tomorrow, buy your favourite cake or pastry go home, and just sit down with a cup of coffee/tea and enjoy. For 5 peaceful minutes... I have no other suggestions, sorry. I feel the same way. hugs

Moanranger · 13/09/2017 01:08

I haven't been on this thread for awhile as, after 4 grim years, I finally got my Consent decree on financial matters from The Scrote (exH).
My advice: make the bastards reveal their finances and get your fair share, which in long marriages is 50% or thereabouts. Ignore the shit that pours out of their mouths. They have to fill out a Form E and provide all documentation. The court and the law requires this and supports a fair split of assets in marriage. It may take time, but you and your children's financial security depend on it.
My 4 years was one of the grimmest periods of my life, but I came out the other side finally, happier and more secure.

Moanranger · 13/09/2017 01:13

itsovernow you can challenge what he puts on his Form E. I went thru his with a fine tooth comb and challenge every discrepancy/ lie. Mine did the same re-OW who was living with him. I challenged this, pointing out she ran a limited company registered at his address! It made him look like a liar and a weasel, which he is, and undermined his credibility with the court.