Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Aw JM that's being kicked when you're down isn't it?!

Hopefully your DF was just having a bad day and will return to full support mode. I do think it is difficult for anyone who hasn't been through this to understand though, I've had lots of 'you'll feel better once x is out of the way' (no, it doesn't work like that, you can't get over your life being blown apart that easily!)

Is there any chance that your friend was telling STBXH what she thought of him, rather than having idle chit chat? I have zero tolerence for cheats (long before I was cheated on myself) and would either completely ignore or rant at them. I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with these things though - maybe she just felt awkward?

We're all on your side here

Bless you Awholenewstart - you've set me off again, lol, but I so appreciate you validating what I'm feeling

Obviously I realise that various mutual friends will remain on amicable terms with him, frankly even that rankles, but I get it, that's life. But for this particular friend to have done what she has genuinely cut me to the quick.

The friend who told me said she hadn't meant to upset me and various others don't see the issue but I really thought she had my back..

Clearly I'm a pretty appalling judge of character all round.

Sorry ladies, was typing through my tears so you were all too quick quick for me!

Thank you all for the support, maybe I should lay off my RL network for a bit (and you're right NJ, this really has taken it'seems toll on DF, as if dealing with my misery isn't enough it's a loss for him too as he and X were close) and offload here so I least I can be pretty confident of some empathetic responses - thank the lord for MN

Gotta get three valuations on the house next week and major issues with DD too so everything just seems a bit much at the minute...

I have a photo of a quote, on my phone, taken from a book on mindfulness. I look at it now and again, when I'm feeling desparate. I keep meaning to print it out and stick it up at home.

Nothing is final. Just keep moving

Thanks for that NJ.

I do have a few mantras which usually help, my favourite being a quote from DS "You're not fragile you're strong"

Sadly even that one isn't quite hitting the spot this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm so sorry that you are all going through such a difficult period. There are bad days and not so bad days.

On 1st April that will be us separated for 9 months and we are still living in the same house and nothing agreed yet!

I had a great weekend away at a craft workshop and I also popped in to see some people I used to work with. I hadn't seen them for 13 years and got such a warm welcome. I ended up with the biggest smile on my face. At first when we arrive (I used to live there, big city) I wondered if I should be thinking of moving back but by the time I came home I was happy to be coming back to a quieter way of life. It has also motivated me to get things moving on so I sent STBXH an email agreeing to the sale of the house and equal split of the matrimonial pensions. I won't get much for half of the value of our family house but it will be mine. I am quite handy so can decorate and make curtains so can make a house my home.

Although I still feel weary and worn out it is nice to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Mind you, even though I sent him the email on Monday he says he still hasn't checked his emails yet!!!

JM, I think your friend was being insensitive as whilst she may have been in a position to not refuse a cab she could have at least made a few bitchy comments!
We expect out friends to have our backs.

My brother has done 'tough love' at times as I think he fears I might need to toughen up but I know he cares.I think your dad was probadly overwhelmed with emotions as well.

I have shared ex offer with friends and everyone shocked, helps to validate how awful he is behaving.

Jaffa, glad you feel recharged and hopefully a final push will get you over the line.

Whilst I'm sad to divorce I have an instinct it must be for the best.I don't know what is in the future but I feel it likely to be better than my what I was getting from marriage.

Late to the conversation Johnny sorry I really feel for you. My DF just kept very quiet with guilt because he left my mother and shafted her financially when I was my daughters age, can you believe it. Stbxh knows full well this is my worst nightmare, but he's doing it anyway! I'm hoping to petition as I think it will help me my solicitor is adamant we only need fixed fee divorce the law is clear in our case. Awaiting my lazy stbxh to catch up, though he is treating me carefully at the moment (you know, the way you WANT to be treated). Hope we all get through the next few days OK. As DM says "Time will pass and it will be over" which I've always found comforting. Big hugs to all

Hi all. Commiserations to all those who are struggling at the moment.

I've also been feeling quite sad about everything so haven't posted as not much help to anyone really.

Wasband and I still on a more even keel and meeting Friday to try and sort out settlement by mutual agreement. He's going on holiday next week with the GF...2 days after our wedding anniversary to the place we went on our honeymoon !

I really hope we can get things moving. DD and I need to be in our own place and tbh I'm increasingly thinking about dating again. I can't at the moment from a practicality and a confidence POV and certainly don't want to rush into anything, but it would be nice to have the option.

I think I'd probably give the wedding a swerve unless you are particularly close to the cousin tbh.

We have a slightly weird situation in that Wasband has never got on with his younger brother and I've never been that close to the older one. DD and I are going to stay with younger BIL and family over Easter, whilst Wasband and GF will be staying at the older one's holiday home, and, I imagine, stopping over to visit him and his wife en route!

I suppose at least its as fair split...we get one bro each .

My DD was upset when she realised we'd have to sell the family home. It took a week or two to come to terms with it and now she's just really excited about having a new room to make her own. I guess your DS is a little bit younger though.

DD is 12.5 so she has a Pinterest page and once we find a place I'm going to give her a budget and let her have free rein on decorating her room (luckily she has fantastic taste)!

Agree with Pandora on wedding Kansas, are you quite understandably trying to keep things the same for as long as possible (I know I am)...you may decide to do it for DC sake but how do you know how you will feel in a few weeks time?
In reverse order, crying is healthy, maybe your DS is expressing his overall grief through this one focus? It's so hard isn't it we too have to give up the only proper family home we've ever had (after many years in tiny places in London) and squeeze ourselves into much smaller places, still having to accommodate older semi residential children.
Got to be positive! Will no longer have to endure irritating personal habits of stbxh! A place of our own!

Late replying , but I agree about the wedding - don't go!

The crying although difficult is to be expected I think. Change is difficult to deal with, hopefully over time the excitement of a new house will over ride some of those feelings.

My wasband has suggested we meet up to talk. We haven't seen each other since we left the family home over 6 months ago. I've felt uneasy about seeing him, but starting to feel confident enough to so it now. Trying to channel Beyonce (strutting down the street, dressed like big bird, swinging a baseball bat)

Janine, lol to Beyonce...go girl go, you can do it.

I think I have some good news. Wasband and I were up until 3am this morning 'talking' about the future. I think me being away for the weekend has given him some space and he has seen the light. We have agreed to sell the house after DD2's exams. I think we even agreed to help each other find and move houses. I have skills he doesn't and vice versa - I can make/alter curtains, he can plumb in a washing machine. We have also agreed on the pension split. The only thing that we didn't talk about was child & spousal maintenance. We have also agreed that we can sort this between us now and don't really need to get solicitors involved.

Whilst I am wary of his mind games I do now feel that we are a turning point.

Emotionally he has thrown me somewhat as for some of the conversation we had last night he as 'nice' to me after being extremely hostile to me for so long.

Jaffa that sounds like good news, although I am like you in keeping my guard up and watching for any game playing.
I did actually offer to be helpful when we both moved (at the time I didn't know the extend of his lying and cheating) but in the end we each did our own thing and haven't been involved at all. I haven't even seen his house and he's only been outside mine when collecting the DCs. I think it is good to send boundaries otherwise it can get very confusing emotionally.

kansas my DCs have enjoyed moving house, although my eldest does moan about how much smaller his room is. Rules have become a lot more relaxed now there's just the 3 of us and they have friends round a lot, no one complains about the noise they are making or makes a mountain out of a molehill over everything they do...
Sorry, if I've missed it, how old is your DS?

Incidentally, just recently I've been getting 'The Divorcinator' in my head (from Friends)

Hi all had civilised but very hurtful conversation with stbxh. He has agreed to be respondent if I can produce a suitable statement. He always manages to make me feel like s**t and doubt my whole character and everything I've ever done! I just don't remember conversations very well he can always convince me my memory is wrong.
Anyway had a good chat with another of our shocked friends, it helped. And then had good evening out watching music in a pub with kind friends. It's going to be a long haul...

Totally fed up of it all now. Wasband blaming me for everything taking so long. Not getting a reply from emails to my solicitor for ages.

I appear to be stuck in a chicken/egg type situation. Solicitor says I shouldn't move out until financed are all sorted cos wasband has no incentive to remove me from mortgage BUT mortgage company won't remove me until I move out. Which means I'm still going to have to move into a rare as hen's teeth family rental for 6 months at some point.

It sounds like we're all at the wading through treacle point right now.

Met with Wasband last night to see if we can thrash out finances. He's offered me 55% equity which I think will be enough. Need to see mortgage broker properly in the Easter hols.

Last night's conversation certainly proved that I was right in sticking to my guns and not taking him back. I told him that one of the reasons I have been so angry lately was the speed and deliberate nature of him moving on to a new relationship after spending months begging me to take him back, making me feel guilty etc etc.

He replied that our marriage 'had been on the rocks for years' but that he had wanted to keep our home and family together. So, as I suspected, nothing to do with him actually loving me whatsoever.

I've long had a sneaking suspicion that for him I was 'good enough' at the right time. We had very little in common and I think the older I got and the more tired of the constant controlling behaviour and compromises involved the harder it got to maintain any equilibrium in the relationship.

I have the most loving, beautiful, funny daughter I could wish for so I can't bemoan those lost years when I could have been doing my own thing it with someone better, but by God am I going to make up for it now I'm free.

As soon as I can get something definite from the mortgage broker I'm going full steam ahead with Consent Order and marketing the house, and the day the money goes into my bank account/future home I'll file for the absolute.

Then I'm going to throw a mahoosive party and find myself a toyboy who treats me like a goddess and Wasband can FOTTFSOF!

He replied that our marriage 'had been on the rocks for years' but that he had wanted to keep our home and family together. So, as I suspected, nothing to do with him actually loving me whatsoever.
That's it, right there. Knife to the gut, right? B***s
for you Pandora

Pandora good that you can see the positives. Trying to work out what FOTTFSOF stands for

I'm waiting for wasband to decide if we are going to meet up or not, he's apparently being treated for mental health problems (caused by the guilt he is feeling over his behaviour) and doesn't know if it would be advisable or not. Seems kind or ironic to me, treat someone like shit, then wallow in self pity about how hard it all is for you to deal with.

Seems kind or ironic to me, treat someone like shit, then wallow in self pity about how hard it all is for you to deal with.

Seems par for the course with most men tbh .

Wasband keeps telling me how hard it is for him to move on with his life. Yep, swanning around our 3 bedroom family home that I lovingly decorated over the years, doing the same frankly quite cushy job, and spending most of your free time with your new girlfriend whilst I have taken on a full time job, am living with my parents and doing 85% of the parenting...what an absolute bitch your life must be!

He also keeps wanging on about what he'll have and how he'll manage after the house is sold. With the best will in the world that ain't my problem!

Thanks for the Proper...I knew deep down all along. He stayed out of duty and concern for his finances and what people would think, I stayed out of fear - shit happens. I'm only 41 so hopefully plenty of opportunity to make up for lost time.

I keep remembering my SIL's advice...it doesn't matter how angry/hurt you are, trying to express that to him or punish him for the way he's treated you will make no difference whatsoever to his behaviour and just make you more stressed and unhappy. It has helped me massively to keep a level head whilst dealing with him over the last couple of weeks.

Janine - FOTTFSOF = Fuck off to the far side of fuck!

D'oh, I meant to say 'kind OF ironic'. I wouldn't describe anything he's doing as kind...

Thanks for clarifying the acronym - very useful!