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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
PandoraMole · 02/04/2017 15:45

It is isn't it. I'm channelling a lot of that and ODFOD (oh do fuck off dear) atm. Have to be a bit careful though as ODFOD is a bit too close to OFSTED!

I came across another brilliant new word on another thread yesterday - noniversary for one's former wedding anniversary.

I thought antiversary would also work quite well.

Today I have prepped dinner, made lynch for everyone, done my ironing and attempted to marshall an almighty row between mum and DD, which ended with DD storming out of the house without her mobile phone and mum in tears.

DD does a fine job of stroppy teen when she's really riled but on the whole is a good kid. Mum is very supportive and an absolute rock on a practical level but has the emotional sensitivity of a wrecking ball.

5 more days to the Easter hols...how we'll cope with WW3 breaking out is anyone's guess.

Properjob · 02/04/2017 22:40

Bet the lynch was just set for wasband eh Pandora?
Yep I did gardening in the garden I will soon leave, which 5 years of my work has transformed, and cooked dinner for me and stbxh. Just because I could. We actually both volunteered at the same community event yesterday it's all very bizarre. Going to deliver draft of petition to him this week. Offered to wait as kids both here for weekend but no, he wants to get on with it. It will be his fault if rows ensue then....The word alcohol WILL be included (OK Mum, if you're reading this !).
I've had a look at Form E. Has anyone NOT used this form, my solicitor says we don't need it? What did you do instead?
It's gonna get bad soon I can feel it coming...

Yorkshirebornandbred · 02/04/2017 22:43

Sorry I haven't read the full thread.

I've been separated from my husband since July 2015, but didn't move out til early December 2015.

I want to start divorce proceedings ... citing unreasonable behaviour. What sort of things does this cover?

PandoraMole · 02/04/2017 22:44

I filled in most of mine but solicitor said its not necessary if we can agree a consent order. That just needs a 'statement of information' to accompany it to court for signing off apparently.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 02/04/2017 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 06:47

Hope the work news is good Kansas. My sleep is better now (although not great) but I was getting around 5 hours or less for a long time. Somehow I coped, I think my body adapted to it.

I haven't form E either. We're sorting out the consent order between us (hopefully!)

PandoraMole · 03/04/2017 07:26

Good luck with the meeting Kansas hope you slept ok.

I've also had the sleep issues but for me I was not waking in the night but not going to sleep in the first place, often until 2-3am then up at 6.30-7am.

I've had to be a bit disciplined to sort it out as late evening is the only time I get to myself but I now have a 'lights out' of midnight and have halved my coffee intake which has helped a lot.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 03/04/2017 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 10:03

kansas I found there's something odd that happens once you've decided to split that certain expectations are removed and you can get on ok. I found it really difficult at that stage as it made me feel very sad about what I was losing, it was emotionally very confusing and was much beter once we moved out (although I've still been emotional ever since!)

Yorkshirebornandbred · 03/04/2017 12:15

Could use some advice. Just starting divorce proceedings. I'm going to use divorce-online.co.uk as they have good reviews and I don't feel comfortable going it alone. I'm going for unreasonable behaviour and have a list of things I think I can cite. Has anyone done this?

I'm stressed and depressed and not sleeping more than a couple of hours a night.

Has anyone experience with debt occurred during the marriage in husband's name?

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 12:24

hi Yorkshire sorry ,can't offer much advice as I'm not divorcing for unreasonable behaviour. I think others on here are though.
I am doing mine myself, although just had 1 appointment with a solicitor. Does the site you are using offer advice on completing the petition?

Yorkshirebornandbred · 03/04/2017 13:06

Yes ... lots of advice, online chat etc. I've just paid and filled in the form. Fingers crossed. They have good feedback on trustpilot.

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 13:13

I think people generally recommend, if appropriate to your situation, that you let STBXH know in advance the reasons you are going to state on the petition.
You want to be sure that you have something that the court will deem acceptable, but also that STBXH will agree to.

NewLifeNell · 03/04/2017 13:20

First time I've posted - I told my H 3 years ago that I wanted to separate, since then, almost nothing has happened. I naively thought he'd been feeling the same (married 20 years, 1 DS) - unfulfilled etc, but turns out he'll do anything to keep the status quo. I finally got him to go to mediation last year - uphill struggle every time and complete waste of time as he wouldn't go to the final meeting to discuss pensions. So I have FINALLY asked solicitor to send divorce papers to try to get things moving. I have warned him that I was going to do this, but he went so mad, that I haven't said it'll be arriving any day. Am feeling sick with anxiety thinking about it, but am 100% sure this is what I want to do.

One thing I would say is that divorce doesn't mean the finances get automatically sorted out. I may have to go for 'financial remedy' if he won't agree to split the house 50:50 (current situation), and that means expensive court fees. All very depressing. Feel like I've been held hostage for last three years and just hope I get away sometime this year! How do other people do this so quickly....?!

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 03/04/2017 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsovernow1 · 03/04/2017 16:12

Still haven't received the divorce stuff from STBXH's solicitor. The waiting isn't doing me any good tbh. Not even sure what unreasonable behaviours he's put down. There are a few I won't be surprised at bu will still be hurt. Was hoping we could talk about it before one of us filed but obviously not.

Sounds like it's a mixed bag in here at the moment. I wouldn't even know where to start with a DIY divorce! With debts and a joint mortgage (with STBXh having the major salary and me a tiny one) I have no idea how this will work out.
It impressed me when I read that others are sorting themselves out.

Can I ask though, when the kids are both over 18, what happens afterwards regarding money? I know maintenance isn't payable but if they're living with me (albeit part time if at Uni) how do I cope financially when they're home (and even away to help them)?

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 16:29

My eldest is 18 soon and this is a concern of mine. Losing child benefit, CTC and maintenance for him. And so soon after separating when I've had to buy a house to accommodate us all.

The solicitor I saw suggested spousal maintenance. I think wasband will agree to that. However what I have read online suggests that it is payable when you'd be financially unable to cope without it. I won't be in that position fortunately, but it will certainly affect standard of living. I'm just concerned that the court may reject it

itsovernow1 · 03/04/2017 16:45

NotJanine - nearly the same situation as mine. Once DD hits 18 next yr I lose CB and all the tax credits. The equity I get won't be enough to cover even a 1 bed flat so I'm kinda screwed if STBXH pushes for selling when she's 18.
Money brings happiness sometimes but is the root of all evil in certain situations. Not sure STBXH will agree to any maintenance after the divorce/financial situation is settled. He wants to break completely. (this is the man who I don't recognise any more and doesn't care where is kids will live after the house is sold).

Hope yours is more agreeable. Keep going.

NotJanine · 03/04/2017 18:05

I guess I am lucky that mine feels an obligation to provide for the DCs. They live full time with me, have only been to his house a handful of times in 6 months and only see him once a week at most.

Properjob · 03/04/2017 18:23

Hallo Yorkshire that's where my stbxh is from. We have a real culture clash!
You have been separated for nearly two years so couldn't you go for agreed estrangement divorce? Anyway UB terms are like: no sex, separate bedrooms, lack of regard for well-being, verbal abuse...looks like you are sorted though? Debt one is tricky needs to be haggled over as part of the whole financial agreement. Presume you've separated yourself financially closed joint and etc??
We've had estate agents round today it's awful hearing them say how lovely the house is etc.
I really admire your determination ladies hope you have a reasonable week. I'll let you know what happens when draft petition arrives for agreement Flowers

Properjob · 03/04/2017 18:25

PS my daughter is 19 and at Uni. Stbxh clearly thinks he was going to have the family home locally and I was going to bugger off where I can from originally. Really difficult balancing act with kids it's turning into bit of a competition. Upsetting .

TheTapir · 03/04/2017 20:11

Hi everyone, no news from me, I am waiting for our first joint mediation session which is next week. I could have applied for the decree absolute last month so it is frustrating even though it's only been 5 months so far.

I did have a lovely weekend though. I have removed all of my ex's stuff from the house, it's now all in the garage. I've changed all of my bedding, duvet and pillows and put some new pictures up on the wall. Small things but I feel that the house is now much more mine rather than ours. Then on Sunday I went on a lovely long walk with a meet up group in the sunshine. Everyone was very friendly.

I really needed a nice weekend as I've had a crap week and ended up crying all night on Wednesday. Sometimes what he did just hits me all over again. I can't ever imagine getting over his deceit.

For those thinking about spousal maintenance, I've been advised to go for a higher % of the assets instead as I have no desire to be attached to him for any longer than is absolutely necessary. It's probably different if there are children involved though.

Jaym2017 · 04/04/2017 10:59

well just a mini update really. All going well and the girls have settled a lot more now.

I had a letter from court today - Decree date is in 3 weeks - accepted application for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and irretrievable breakdown.

Feels odd to be counting down to being 'single' again. Still not sure what to do in terms of name. Need to have a think.

Will defo become Miss though.

End of an Era is in sight. 19 and a half years gone.

NotJanine · 04/04/2017 15:10

Jaym I'm not sure what to do about my name. I've already been filling in forms as Ms instead of Mrs. I want to lose my surname but don't really want my maiden name as I don't like it much and it feels like my childhood name.

Jaym2017 · 04/04/2017 16:46

I'm of a similar feeling regarding my maiden name.
I looked into it and it's only about £35 to change your name by deedpole and would need to tell everyone if you went back to maiden name anyhow.

I have 3 daughters with my surname so that is my main issue really. I don't mind my married name it just feels odd not being Mrs now and not married soon enough.