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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
Properjob · 26/03/2017 17:43

Kansas I've seen you on other threads! I probably feel about the same as you, although we still have a DD at Uni so dependent (although not legally for some reason, don't agree with that). How do you feel about the petition? Is it for UB? I'm dreading that. (Just had a weird unreal feeling here I am on Mumsnet discussing my divorce. WHAT?)

Properjob · 26/03/2017 17:53

And Hermione forgot to thank you for your post earlier all the comments on here are so helpful Flowers

itsovernow1 · 26/03/2017 19:45

Hi
Have been reading here on and off and wanted to say hello.

OH decided mid Nov he wanted out, after 20 yrs and 2 kids, left at the end of Jan and has just told me (by email) he's started divorce proceedings - he wanted to 'warn me' I'd be receiving something from his solicitor (how nice of him).

SAHM for majority of that time (my fault), had to get a part time job quick smart (within 2 weeks I managed it) and love it. But obviously need more money to start again. Looking at other part time stuff during the day as I work 3 evenings a week. didn't think it'd be this tricky.
No idea how the divorce process works so can anyone enlighten me? What will I receive in the post from his solicitor?
Thanks.

Helpmeltb · 26/03/2017 20:40

itsovernow1 I expect you'll get a letter from his solicitor explaining that he's going to file for divorce. Assuming it's for unreasonable behaviour, they may include a copy of the statement being submitted on the application. It's generally considered good practice for the respondent (in this case you) to see what is being filed in advance. It may be the bare minimum necessary to get the divorce approved or it might be quite nasty. You might have the chance to get some of it reworded. Either way, when they actually submit it you can say you disagree with the reasons but don't want to contest it or you can contest it.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 26/03/2017 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsovernow1 · 26/03/2017 21:21

Thanks for the info.
At this point in time I have no idea what ex-OH will put. It could be OK or it could be hurtful. We shall see.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 26/03/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awholenewstart · 26/03/2017 22:13

Haven't read the whole thread but am about to send off the divorce forms this week. Separated a year, (EA, control, bullying) I know it's the right thing but it still seems so hard....

NotJanine · 27/03/2017 10:26

Hi newstart it is a hard step to take, but slowly gets easier to come to terms with

Awholenewstart · 27/03/2017 14:14

It's in the post.
Feeling so sad, and yet he is busy having one night stands with barmaids he picks up (he's 52....) how can I possibly think of any other way forward

Hermonie2016 · 27/03/2017 16:46

Newstart, completely agree, you can't do anything but formalise the separation.Some of these men seem to go through such an idiot stage in their lives.

The bills for legal fees are mounting up but no other way around it.I never thought he would use finances to punish me but he's changed beyond belief.

I just want it to be over and done with.Its been nearly 5 months already.I can see it lasting for over a year so I need to prepare for the long haul.

Awholenewstart · 27/03/2017 17:03

Hermione - it's the total character change isn't it.... would never have believed this of him. and so the bitter (and expensive) fight begins. Stay strong 💪

itsovernow1 · 27/03/2017 17:31

Glad it's not only me that's see a change in their STBXH.
He was the one who told me that talking was important, since then it's been email all the way (as usual thought tbh).
I'm in the panicking stage as I haven't got the money to throw around on legals stuff and not sure what I'll end up with at the end of this to buy a new property for me and DD (and DS when home from Uni). OH will be alright though, decent salary for a new mortgage.

Properjob · 27/03/2017 17:57

Damn I posted a lovely cheerful post on here last night and it's not here! It'sover you should be supported to have a home for the DCs in the financial settlement.....got home from seeing DD and DM just now, stbxh very quiet. I announced separation on fb yesterday very factually, on our anniversary and was amazed by the support I got. He's still got Married on his status but never had my name there. Seeing my solicitor tomorrow I will report back. Hermione so sorry you're having a crap time Flowers

itsovernow1 · 27/03/2017 18:48

Properjob - Well I don't think OH sees it that way! He seems to think that the equity I get and a mortgage I can 'afford' will do it. I don't think he's actually looked at house prices though. Any mortgage I can get will be minimal and with the equity we'll be lucky to get a 1 bed flat. I'd be happy with a 2 bed flat or maisonette not a mansion. I know I have to support myself and want to but getting there will be tough.

Had to email my solicitor earlier as she'd emailed me to say she was closing my file as she hadn't heard from me. I informed her OH was filing for divorce and I'd need to see her in the next couple of weeks. I await her reply. I really have no clue how all this works and I get confused and panicky easily. I don't want to be bullied by OH into doing something I'll regret. *by bullied I meant subtly manipulated to get his way.

My biggest fear is having nowhere to live after this. Yes I can rent but I really don't want that for me and DD. She may be 16 but she'll still need a home for a few yrs as will DS if he comes back from uni full time.

All the comments somehow fit how I feel, which is strange. And I know it will take a lot longer to sort out which doesn't make me feel good.

Properjob · 27/03/2017 23:19

It's over I'm sure you should get more equity as second principle of finance is need (equal share comes first). However may only be till DCs are 18. Your solicitor should be pushing for this...if wasband can get her decent mortgage too...

NotJanine · 28/03/2017 12:15

itsover hopefully your solicitor will stop any 'bullying' taking place. I'm dealing directly with my STBXH and am concerned that he will manipulate me as he has done in the past.

Woke up this morning from a dream where the 2 of us were on holiday and happy. I don't know why I'm dreaming about him, it's so painful. I cried all the way to work.

Hermonie2016 · 28/03/2017 15:44

NotJanine, I hope you are doing ok.I suspect that when there is distance from the ex our minds remember the positive experiences not the negatives.If we were still with them they would still be the same nasty individuals!

When I first separated the pain of stbxh's abusive behaviour was overwhelming but over time those feelings have dimished.The painful feelings motivated me to start divorce proceedings.

I also felt sad today as having to discuss splitting the Easter holidays with ex.Just feels so sad for dc that their parents can't work it out.

Awholenewstart · 28/03/2017 16:02

Good to hear others are feeling like this too, as I've really mellowed over the year apart and now I feel so sad and sorry. I remember the good times and it makes me so sad it has come to this.

Properjob · 28/03/2017 17:39

So sad to hear that NotJ...had case assessment this morning, our situation straightforward, hopefully will be able to agree finances. Stbxh just wants to get away but it's not clear why...we discussed things more frankly and I'm trying to decide whether to be petitioner or respondent. Can't see why he wants to do this really except to later experience the thrill of new love with someone else...feeling a bit down, wondering how I could have handled him better....keeping busy though having to look for a new house, start packing up the old one...last thing I expected to be doing...

EnormousTiger · 28/03/2017 18:54

Proper, I was the one wanting the divorce in my case and I thought 7 months was ages and my ex didn't want a divorce and he thought it was really quick so I think it just depends on who is pushing for the divorce. Obviously it is wise legally to tie up the finances with a court order otherwise assets acquired after separation might end up divided which makes a bit of a mess of plans for clean breaks I suppose so that's another reason I wanted it all done so I could draw a line under things financially with the clean break.

Properjob · 28/03/2017 22:34

Tiger I do want to move on. We are both early retirement age and the divorce affects sharing of pensions. I'm just so scared of making a mistake and losing out...there is little prospect of much income to come this is the final throw of the dice...I K of I'm relatively lucky, but my future has been ripped away...got to reinvent myself at 60!
Feeling sorry for myself tonight apologies Flowers

NotJanine · 29/03/2017 10:20

Thanks for the sympathy - did a lot of crying yesterday. Just when I think I'm passed that phase, it reappears.

properjob ok to feel sorry for yourself now and again, it's not easy to suddenly have your whole sense of reality snatched away from you. Is your solicitor giving you good advice?

Can I ask a question. When we split we each took our own cars. I was in shock and not thinking straight at the time and now realise that was not a fair split as he had a very nice, fairly new car and I have a cheap, much older one. Would it be expected that the value of the cars should have been equally split?

JohnnyMarr · 29/03/2017 10:54

Bit of a sad vibe going on on the thread over the last few days. Hopefully things will be on the up for us all soon.

I'm having a shitty day today. Wake up every morning dreading the draft petition arriving in the post, I feel sick at the thought of what he might have listed as my unreasonable behaviours. Whatever they are it might've been beneficial to our marriage had he communicated them to me before he left rather than leading me to believe everything was rosy...

To top it all off STBXH travelled to the country where we used to live over the weekend and a very close friend of mine mentioned she'd bumped into him at the airport. I didn't ask her to elaborate but then another mutual friend Whats App'd me this morning and said they'd actually shared a taxi from the airport!

I have talked to her on a more or less daily basis since he left, poured my heart out, she knows exactly what he's done and how I feel and has been through a messy break-up herself. I'm both devastated and furious that she deemed it appropriate under the circumstances to spend 40 minutes in a cab making idle chit chat with him. It is, in my eyes at least, as though she's condoning what he's done.

To make matters even worse I phoned my DF (who's been hugely supportive) to vent and rather than sympathise he said I couldn't expect everyone to condemn STBXH and hate him as much as I do and I should "stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself" so I ended up hanging up on him. Which has made me feel even more bloody sorry for myself.

Sad
Awholenewstart · 29/03/2017 11:07

Oh Johnny I just want to give you a great big hug.....
That sounds absolutely horrible and I know I would be sobbing, both at what your friend did and your DF.
Sometimes you have to indulge and let it all out. Use this thread to cry and scream and whatever else you need 💐