How to know when maintenance ends ?

[stillsane]

My son is approaching 19 soon, I'm under the belief in the UK maintenance should end when child benefit is not being claimed which is linked to whether the child is in approved education or training up to the age of 20 - not 100% sure if that's correct ?

I have a payment agreement in place with the mother outside of CMS, how can I determine when I should stop paying maintenance or in other words how can I possibly find out when child benefit is not longer being claimed or being received ? Ideally I don't want to cause ill feelings with solicitor letters.

@stillsaneyoure not ‘responsible for your ex’s housing’ you’re responsible for your child’s housing and that’s where your child lives. So yes you should contribute towards the bigger home that she has or pay for to house your child and all their belongings and also the extra bills and utilities and wear and tear your child causes in that home.

Regardless of what course/apprenticeship he may be following (why don’t you know?), most parents continue to support their children whatever. Mine are in their 40s.
is it that you think you shouldn’t be ‘paying’ for the mothers life style (housing, utilities etc) even though the child still lives with mum.

My ex stopped paying the month my DD 18 went to uni. It's when they've left full time education, uni is classed as further so child benefit stops as does maintenance.

I'm saying the amount of money being paid allows a 4 bed detached house to be rented and no need to work. If you think that's a fair or even a sensible / sustainable deal then we're not on the same page, CM will end at some point, then what ?

If I'm expected to continue to pay a large sum of money after CM ends beause th ex wants to continue to live in a totally unnecessary property, I'm saying I won't be doing that and I suspect the ex knows that, why the hecks would anyone do that ? I really think some on here have lost all reason, I pay a large amount of money and I then are expected to pay even more for everything else, like a free house and no job isn't supportive enough ?

Christ on a bike, you child needs a home to live in, food to eat, electricity, heating etc. Why the fuck did you even have a child? Again, a child is a lifelong commitment. Your ex has raised your child, not you. You have been giving her money to do that, because I’m guessing she was willing and you weren’t bothered, esp the way you want to cut all money that is enabling your child to live with his mum. If you resent your ex that much, sort out a flat for your son to live in and send him expenses on top of that, it’ll probably cost you more than your paying now. You’re coming across as a loser dad.

Think what ever you want, I'm done with trying to explain myself, when CM legally ends that's when I stop paying. I'll support my son, I'm done with be fleeced, used and abused. This is the sort of thing that pushes men over the edge.

Would it not be a case of waiting until he’s finished college, ask him what he doing now and then seeking advice from citizens advice or benefits office and finding out if he’s still entitled to CB?

Just pay the money directly to him and then if his mum wants money, she can ask him for board

Men get an unduly hard time on threads like this. Plenty of women fleecing their exes in real life but on this forum they don’t exist!

What I mean is that there is no way of separating out your son's home from his mum's. You can't divide rent and bills like that really. Or else if they are the only ones living there, split the rent and bills in half? Anyway, cms says that amount and regardless of your exes circumstances you pay until he leaves college. If she won the lottery or got an inheritance.... yep, should still pay cms while he is studying.

I'm getting confused, the situation is very simple to my mind, when my son finishes full time education I no longer have to pay CM. I'll then switch to paying my son directly for a few more years based on his needs. I don't rent I bought my property out right, if the ex ends up in a problem situation which I don't think she will but worst case I've got no problem housing my son.

When the adult child moves out of the home the cost of the home doesn't suddenly go down by half though.

Just like the OP's housing costs are the same regardless of how often the child stays over.

Bringing housing costs into maintenance discussions is only really relevant if the PP doesn't have a room for the adult child in his home and is therefore saving money somehow.

So yes food is the main expense. Going out / socialising is surely up to the adult who is earning a wage from their apprenticeship. Travel should also be convered by their wage.

I notice no-one on this thread has suggested the ex gets a job or the adult child gets a part- time job for the evenings/weekends like most students at uni have to?

Sorry I am struggling to ascertain what advice you want?

CB is irrelevant really. You don't have an official agreement to pay CM from what I have read, you pay it without an agreement.

So if you were to stop paying it from the end of the academic year after the child turns 18, I don't see how she could chase after you for more money.

Morally, the right thing to do is to support your child. Legally, I don't think she has much of an arguement.

I understand your frustration of her living a certain standard of life whilst you're paying large sums of money, however she does take care of your son full time. No amount of money negates that fact.

Yes indeed, way too many Oprah Winfrey's, Judge Judy's and Jerry Springer's 😄

If your son is off to university then please keep paying the amount to him directly.

Students also spend a lot of the holidays at home (obvs your son could work at this time but as you know food and bills are expensive).

Yes 100% agree, your advice is perfect, thank you.

Here we go 😆 surely the cut off is not intricacies about whether it’s an “approved” course or not? If he’s over 18 and in some sort of training scheme and either not paid or very low paid, then you support him directly so that he can pay his mum towards bed and board etc and she doesn’t have to foot the bill for ALL the associated costs with his training.

CMS is based off what you earn so is deemed as "affordable". Your payments will be based on your childs needs, not the mothers. You have agreed to do this privately. If you felt hard done by, perhaps you should have done it legally.

You do seem to dislike her as you are harping on about the standard of living she has. It isn't her standard of living , it is the families. That family includes your child.

Child Benefit which you mention lots isn't that much money. If she doesn't work, then that is her business. So long as your child is doing well, I would be grateful.

If you decide to pay him directly then you don't have to cpnsult her. You have no legal agreement.

I hate the mentality of “my child is no longer in full time education so I can wash my hands of them financially”. I have no idea how much OP currently pays in child support, but the usually nominal amount paid doesn’t cover much of the financial burden of raising a child, in the first place.

I said I was done trying to explain myself but here we go again, I'm busting my guts earning money, paying an amount that could literally pay a mortgage for a decent house while the ex lives off my hard work. If she was working, making as I see it an 'effort' I'd feel better about the situation. Sure she's looking after my son but he's in effect an adult now, he'll be19 this year.
Without a single thank you for keeping going, keeping my s**t together I'm expected to put up, pay up and shut up.There seems to be some sort of taboo that men shouldn't and can't feel frustrated with a situation ? are men allowed to have feelings these days ? I should be happy and willing to pay some, pay more and keep paying regardless, right ? I really feel if I gave her a credit card and said go spend what you want and I'll cover it - that still wouldn't be enough.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about my ex, what's expected in this crazy forum, I've already said I don't dislike her, if I disliked her then I wouldn't be willing to speak to her ? Or should I be wining and dining her, taking her on expensive holidays ?

As we've already established, CM will end, I'll switch that money to my son for a while until he's more established in a job and earning money. Even something like this will be judged, what you're not paying your ex and son at the same time...??

This isn’t what the OP is proposing though. He intends to support his son directly, and house him if necessary, while he is working. The problem arises because OP currently pays a substantial amount to his exW - enough to pay rent on a 4 bed property and some - which will end soon.

In your view, does OP have to continue to pay >£1K per month until his son earns enough to pay his mum >£1K board and lodging?

I can see why you’re an ex.

Have you looked at the government website? https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit-16-19 It clearly states you cannot clam child benefit for an apprenticeship unless you are in Wales, so it doesn’t sound like your ex will be entitled to it once your son finishes his college course this year.

If your maintenance is inline with CMS amounts, you are not funding your ex’s lifestyle. You are giving her what should be half the costs to support your son

You only stop paying child maintenance when you're teenager is not in full-time education. I am a mother and I pay maintenance to my 16 year old because she's in Education. Now if she left Education by law I dont have to pay anything.

I think it depends what’s in your consent order.