How to know when maintenance ends ?

[stillsane]

My son is approaching 19 soon, I'm under the belief in the UK maintenance should end when child benefit is not being claimed which is linked to whether the child is in approved education or training up to the age of 20 - not 100% sure if that's correct ?

I have a payment agreement in place with the mother outside of CMS, how can I determine when I should stop paying maintenance or in other words how can I possibly find out when child benefit is not longer being claimed or being received ? Ideally I don't want to cause ill feelings with solicitor letters.

If you don't know if your child is in education still he's 19 years old ask him if the mother doesn't get child benefit for him anymore then he is not in education so then that means you don't have to pay nothing for him

You give her just over £1,000 a month. Maintenance is capped at £150,000.

I appreciate you think that is a significant amount of money - “could literally pay a mortgage” - but I don’t know anyone who can live of off £1,000 a month, certainly not when raising a child.

So you’re not paying for anyone’s lifestyle. Behave.

I also appreciate that not every resident parent is receiving anywhere close to just over £1,000 a month. But it’s all relative, isn’t it.

I’m a high earner. From my perspective, £1,000 a month isn’t much. I’m assuming you live comfortably, why wouldn’t you want your son to have some level of comfort too?

The sum you are giving your ex per month is a bit of a red herring, because I’ve seen the same attitude - I’m working my ass off whilst she’s sitting on her arse all day, no appreciation, having her nails done, I’m giving all my hard earned money to HER blah, blah, blah - from men who pay literally pennies towards their children.

Sure she's looking after my son but he's in effect an adult now, he'll be19 this year.

And your maintenance will be coming to an end. So what’s your point? And why are you rambling on about no amount of money ever being enough?

We get it - you absolutely resent having to hand money over to your ex. But it’s incredibly common. The sum you are giving her is irrelevant. You feel hard done by having to pay for your own child. Just own it.

Indeed.

OP - what is the reason you didn’t go the legal route and pay via CMS?

I think you're over complicating things. If your DS is 19 and in FT education which ends in June this year (no plans for university), then child support should end then. I'd have a conversation with your ex to confirm that you will no longer pay her cm at that point as he is now legally an adult, and any future financial arrangements will be directly between you and your DS. The question as to whether your Ex is claiming CM is irrelevant. How she funds her share to support her son is up to her.

" So what’s your point? And why are you rambling on about no amount of money ever being enough?" - I came here with a simple question and it's blown up to be a Jerry Springer episode, I wish ppl would stop posting, I've got the answer.

What's broken is the system, while there's a financial incentive to destroy a marriage and family, guess what you're going to get... men are walking away from marriage clearly shown in the statistics. The family was the bedrock of society, that's gone, it's a sick, entitled and broken society which will only get worse.

The ex has two income streams, benefits and what I pay, that pays for a large 4 bed detached house, a car, all the bills, clothing and food for her and son. That's perfectly normal right, roll up with no job and end up with a 4 bed detached and live comfortably. This is what the 'system' provides, where's the incentive to keep a family intact ? that's right there isn't one.

So you wish women were still trapped in loveless marriages by financial discrimination? Fuck. Saying the quiet part out loud.

Will your son continue to be staying with his mother? It would seem fair to continue to contribute something if he is, and he's not working wouldn't it?

I have a private arrangement - my court approved maintenance ends at 23 if the children are still in full time education, or 18 otherwise.

No need for that, men are already walking away, this is what your beloved system provides

Median marriage duration at divorce (2023)
~12.7 years

Don't you want to carry on supporting your child while they aren't young adults? Are they in HE? Most parents will carry on providing financial support even after their legal obligation has ended..

To be fair, men always walked away - what actually changed is that women are doing it too now..

Not that that has anything to do with supporting your children.

Yes. My grandmothers were both single mums because of feckless men. They were just achingly poor ones.

What's broken is the system, while there's a financial incentive to destroy a marriage and family

Trust me, there is zero financial incentive to destroy a marriage. Especially one with such a high earning spouse. Which is why women stay in abusive and unhappy marriages for so long. This is utterly delusional.

That's perfectly normal right, roll up with no job and end up with a 4 bed detached and live comfortably.

What part of - that’s your son’s home, aren’t you glad he is able to live comfortably - are you not able to grasp? Would you prefer him to be living in a mouldy one bedroom flat, because that’s what you believe your ex deserves?

You sound bitter. Like, really bitter. Did you ex leave you? Sounds like it.

God forbid a woman can leave an unhappy marriage.

men are walking away from marriage clearly shown in the statistics

The vast majority of divorces are instigated by women.

i would think once your son leaves full time education you would have no obligation to give your ex maintenance. Your son should be able to stand on his own two feet , earn a wage and pay “ rent “ to his mom .
As he’s likely to be on a low wage it would be nice if you can forward him money and I think that is your intention.
At some point your ex will need to manage without your financial contributions your DS will move out at some stage.

I think it is good if they can come to a private arrangement instead of CMS, cheaper for all and nicer, as long as the same amount or more is being paid

@stillsane I agree with you questioning why you are bothering as you already got the answer.

not necessary, but if I were you, at the time I am
having the conversation forewarning the ex you will stop payments TO HER in 2/3 months. I would also throw in a clear suggestion/ invitation that now son is an adult, he is welcome to choose to live with me at any time. You should also let son know of this when advising him how much you are offering to pay to HIM directly,

well done for not still ‘owning’ the 4 bed ex rents. The amounts of threads that come on here when kids are hitting the AGREED age at which to sell the property so ex husband (predominantly) can finally get his hands on his share and STOP paying the mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in, leave a lot to be desired!

good luck with your situation. As some pp have eloquently outlined to you, it is rather straightforward what you need to do.

It appears that your financial settlement was not arrived at through court but by a mutually agreed consent order? And that you don’t pay continued spousal maintenance but only child maintenance? The court approved consent order should specify when child maintenance ends. It is quite normal that CM continues to be paid until the child of the marriage finishes university education (including a gap year) especially where the non resident parent is a higher earner as you clearly are.

You seem to be treating child maintenance as if it were spousal maintenance.

You seem to have got a settlement where your share of assets permitted you to buy property outright but your ex despite being resident parent is having to live in rented accommodation with the support of benefits. Could you explain how this happened?

Regardless of the impact on your child, who lives with their mother, you seem to want to stop CM as soon as you can legally do so. Because you think CM is too much despite paying the legal minimum and is really SM supporting her lifestyle.

Do you want to maximise the financial shock of losing CB, reduction of UC with complete loss of CM? To teach her a lesson?

Will you really pay equivalent CM to your child (and when - immediately when CM stops) until they are financially independent if it is paid to the mother to cover share of rent, bills etc. You have already said she would have to pay for these anyway so am assuming that you will pay pocket money unless he moves into independent accommodation. Whether he wants to or not. You recognise that this would be expensive but believe his mother financially supporting him is cost free.

This seems punitive to the mother of your child and your child. Justified by rants about a broken system and how unfair it is to high earning absent parents. You just don’t come across as a decent father.

Oh dear me another Jerry Springer judgement. I really can't follow or even attempt to address all that text.

CM will end at some point either this year or the next, it has to end at some point or am I judged to have to pay it forever ?

There should be no shocks, the ex is aware it will end at some point, I've already stated based on what I know is the ex will likely be fine, she has options, including a new fella that could make up any shortfall.

We had a fair split, I purchased a modest property, the ex could have done the same but that wouldn't have been good enough.

I've already stated this is 6+months into the future, there are 180 contradictions in this thread, if my son needs help rest-assured he'll get it, meanwhile the nest egg for a house deposit is steadily growing.

As regards a broken system, here's some stats from chatGPT and not even adjusted for population growth.

YearLive Births (England & Wales)Marriages (England & Wales)
1980 753,708 live births (approx in the UK)* 370,022* marriages (England & Wales)

2023 591,072 live births in England & Wales 231,949 marriages and civil partnerships in England & Wales

the UK birth rate is below the level needed for “population replacement”

Aging population increases government spending:

Pensions
Healthcare and long-term care
Social support for the elderly
Fewer taxpayers per retiree → higher tax burden on working-age adults.
Effect: Budgetary pressure, risk of higher taxes, or reduced public services.

The system is just fine ? we can all enjoy the decline togother !!

It makes a fair bit of difference. When the parents split, if the woman didn't have a son to house, she may have been able tp afford a one bed flat. Who knows?

ok I'm signing off this thread, it's taking up too much of my time, the Jerry Springer show's over.

Thanks so much for all the help and advice, it's been very helpful, no need to worry, son's going to be just fine, he has always had my backing and will continue to do so, he's a credit to both parents and I'm blessed to have him.

I wish you all well and a blessed future, even the Jerry Springers and Oprah's 😀peace to all my UK brothers and sisters.

You keep saying you're done but keep postig aggressive replies to everyone who had commented on a public forum. You opened up this chat, not me.

You do clearly dislike her and even if you do talk to her, you can still dislike her. The distain is very clear for everyone to see.

I don't care what you decide so arguing with me as opposed to your ex is a you problem. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post :)

Can see why he's an ex indeed.