Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Ask her to stop passing messages through your daughter. Stop contacting her by phone or having conversations with her, use an app to communicate about your daughter. Of course your daughter can use step mum if she wants.

It sounds like your ex is struggling with coming to terms with all these changes. And it's affecting your DD so I'd suggest getting a mediator in place so you can agree a parenting plan and lines of communication that work for all.
My view is that when people start with pretty unreasonable things like "forbidding" a 6 year old in doing something then she's only going to get worse. You're not the good guy to her so nothing you can do will get it better on its own. So get some professional help and get this on a even keel.

Hmm, you do seem to have moved very fast in this relationship, especially considering a 6yo is involved.

The step mum thing is ridiculous, of course your wife is step mum and ex doesn't get to deco
ide what DD calls anyone, but I suspect some of the other stuff is not as unreasonable as you'd like to paint it, and it's understandable that your daughter's mother has some real concerns about the whole situation, as well as being a difficult this for her to navigate emotionally even if new wife wasn't OW

You need to go to family mediation and find a common ground. Make sure you return the right clothes so that the dd doesn't have to pass on that particular message.

Your new relationship moved quickly, engaged, moving in now married and it’s still only 18 months. I can understand your ex’s concerns, I wouldn’t be thrilled but it’s not up to your ex.
Certainly not up to your ex what your dd calls your current wife. How about her first name?

Mediation, if you can.

Your ex is being unreasonable, obviously. But - you moved extremely fast. 18 months ago you didn’t even know this woman. She was a total stranger. Now she’s step mother to your daughter. Objectively, that is not at all putting your DD first. A lot of people would say that’s actively neglectful. No one really knows someone after 18 months. Have a relationship, fine. But when you’ve children to consider it’s on you to be as sure as you can about them, and that means time. You didn’t give it much time at all. I’d be questioning both of your judgements and if I were Mum, I’d be pretty nervous about my child being part of this kind of new, very untested family setup.

If you can I would talk to your ex and I would acknowledge that it was quick and that you see her concerns. Think of the long term goal - good co-parenting. After 18 months, I’d say that you can’t actually predict very securely that this marriage will last, but your ex will be in your life for definite for the next 15 years or so.

I would avoid making this a big deal. Your ex is perhaps overly protective and doesn’t entirely trust you to have made all the right decisions for your daughter. That protectiveness is reasonable- but the decisions are yours.

Try not to involve your daughter in fighting back. Just reassure her that you love her, mummy loves her, and everyone is trying to do the best thing. Tell her not to worry and to call step mum whatever she’s most comfortable with. If she says something like, ‘but what about Mummy, she says x?’, then suggest she talk to mummy about it.

Never put words in her mouth or ask her to ferry messages. Just listen. Help her work out her feelings, and support her in her decisions.

And yes, remember you have introduced a new woman to your daughter within months of meeting her.

What you describe as ‘involving your daughter at every stage and listening to her’, I would describe as inappropriately involving her in your adult relationships.

As a mum, I wouldn’t dream of introducing a bloke for several years. And you only have your DD part time so really didn’t need to.

Yes, "involving" DD after only 6 months is very quick.

Yes, your ex is being unreasonable. But I can sympathise as it has gone very fast. And it's not clear how long you were broken up before you met your new wife, so that could also be an issue and be making her concerned for your dd.

If you can't manage this, then I would agree that you should seek mediation to figure out a good proecss for things going forward. Of course your wife is your child's step mum. the clothes thing seems weird although I do know a lot of women get very frustrated that they buy stuff for their children and then the old, too-small, torn stuff gets sent home so I'd obviously be checking 100% that's not happening here.

I would be a bit wary at first if my ex was engaged within 4 and moved in by 6 months. Not because I’d care about their relationship but because my child would be introduced to the new partner and start building a relationship so with the speed of that I would be wary. However if after 18 months they’re still together I think there comes a point where you would be ok. It’s certainly not up to the ex to comment where you shop or dictate anything that happens in your home. This is just the ex being petty. She doesn’t like the term step mum because she doesn’t want to feel replaced or that another woman has the same role she does to her DD. Does your DD normally call her by name or step mum? I would just say to DD that X is your step mum and part of the family as we are married however you can call her by name or whatever you’re comfortable with.

You've inflicted a whole lot of change on a 6 year old in a very short space of time and if I were her mum I'd be concerned too. What is the background here and what impact has it had on mum's behaviour?

I agree with this.

Your poor daughter, she has adults in her life that keep putting themselves first. You introduced your young child to your new girlfriend very very quickly. You are so desperate for your new wife to have the title stepmother, why is that? Your child's mother is struggling to be your daughters mum because you keep trying to undermine her by yapping "stepmother" constantly.
I am by law step mum to 3 children, the youngest was the same age as your daughter when he came into my life, not once have i ever referered to myself as his step mother in his company. He know i love him, we have spent so much time together over the years, we go out for lunch or to the cinema, i have always gone shopping for clothes with him ( he invites me) i have done everything for him and adore his company but he has a mum, he doesn't need another. I am His Dads wife, and more like his favourite auntie.
Stop pushing your agenda.

I'm afraid that you're now going to have everyone focusing on the speed of your relationship, rather than the actual issues that are happening now.

-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Ah those things are entirely unreasonable, and some if then actively damaging to your daughter, so I'm afraid mediation is the only answer. I can't see your ex changing any of those behaviours without it.

In any circumstances it should be for the child to decide what they are comfortable with.

My ex has a new woman who my ds sees two or three times a year. He's 15, 6' tall and has refused to call her anything except her first name. That's what he is comfortable with. She is not any sort of mum to him. She continues to demand she be called step mummy 🙄 so ds is now reluctant to visit his dad when she is there.

Let the dcs decide what works for them. It saves a lot of problems.

You are so desperate for your new wife to have the title stepmother, why is that?

Read this bit again. It's his daughter that wants to use it, her dad isn't pressuring her at all.

My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

It's not as though the daughter is going to say 'hello step mother'. She just wants to be able to use the term to refer to her when she talks to her friends, presumably.

Is your new wife the OW?

If not, why did you and your ex-wife split up?

Some of this is contextual.

For example, if mum has asked you 100 times to send the PE kit back on a Monday and you haven't done it, for the 101st time, I could well imagine a mum saying to her child "can you please make sure daddy sends you back with the right clothes"

Or if DC likes to wear leggings, T-shirt and trainers, but Daddy likes to see the DC in dresses and heeled shoes, I can see mum asking Dad to let the kid pick their own clothes.

The only mum I know who asked her DC not to call anyone step-mum, was when her ex had had 6 different GFs over the course of 3 years and wanted each to be SM and the child was very confused.

Your relationship did move VERY quickly, which is fine for the adults, not so great for your DD.

Whilst in essence what you're saying sounds logical, i think it would be interesting to hear the context of these demands/requests from mum.

Thank you all for your responses so far.
I agree, and can relate to the suggestions that the relationship moved quickly.

To clarify so points:

• I haven’t involved my DD in all the discussions, rather ensured that I fully carry out my role as her father to ensure she is emotionally supported through all the changes and given the opportunity to discuss anything with me openly.
• The timeline (however brief in some opinions) is not necessary the point here. Especially after 18 months of relationship, it is clear that this is not a brief fling.
• I am in no way desperate to implement any ‘rules’ on my DD or have any agenda as such. As I mentioned in my OP, I leave it to her to choose what she calls my wife (usually by her first name) but likes to say step-mum on occasion. It is her mum who is actively discouraging her to use the term.
• I have tried so many times to have dialogue with her mum to explain how happy DD is at home with us and that trust between parents is what is required here rather than control. I have emphasised with her and tried to reassure that nobody is trying to (or ever could) replace her as the mother of DD.

it seems that some kind of mediation is the likely move forward as one-to-one discussions between her mother and I always escalate as I always end up in a position where I need to defend my new family life.

I welcome any further replies as all feedback is gratefully received.

My new wife is the OW in this discussion.
also in response to an earlier question, the mother and I had been separated for almost 3 years before I met my new wife.

Edited as cross posted:

You say you were split up for 18 months but that your new wife was the OW so you’re still being deliberately obtuse here.

I suspect your defensive responses go towards explaining why your ex is very unhappy with the arrangement and I don’t blame her.

I’m a step mum but I’m happy for the DS’s to call me by my first name as that’s what they’re comfortable with. Their mum sadly died before I met DH, so there’s never been any confusion in my role.

Hi OP.

I think it's likely that the fact that you moved on so quickly after your divorce is what is causing this problem with your first wife.

She's only thinking of your daughter's wellbeing.

18 months and your married? That's your problem right there. She's angry, what caused your relationship to break down? Her lives broken down and now seemingly you've basically replaced her in her daughters life with your wife, imagine it from her point of view

you split up, she moves on, gets married right away and lets your child call him dad, I think not. You don't see it that way because it's not you who's hurting, whether your wife (you barely know) is legally her step mum or not, your ex grew that baby, birthed them, and has raised them for 6 years just to have to share her title with a relative stranger. Come off it.

Yes, could you answer this, please? It's very pertinent.