Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Step mum isn't a legal term actually. Legally she's your wife but you can't transfer parental responsibility.
If the worst happened she'd go to your ex full time and "step mum" wouldn't share custody - it would be up to the surviving parent.
Absolutely she's a parental figure, a caretaker.
She could be your wife and have no relationship with your daughter. She could be a friend or an "auntie" figure. She could just be a grown up who lives at Daddies house.

I'd take a massive step back and just take all the spotlight off. Plus children do take cews from parents especially people pleasers not every child can assert themselves just let the status quo be ok. Let her figure it out. Let it be ok to be different in different settings, this all or nothing from both of you will be impacting her however unintentionally.

Can't she just call your wife by her name?

But I think the point is that the daughter has figured it out - she seems fine with the situation and wants to use stepmum to talk about her, no drama, but it's the ex who is forbidding it. This is what is upsetting and confusing the little girl. The mum is the problem here, not the OP or his new wife.

Aaaaaargh. RTFT

@Creamteasandbumblebees , the child probably calls her dad's wife Sarah or whatever her name is. The issue is that the child's mother doesn't want Sarah to ever to be referred to as 'step-mum'

'My dad and step-mum' is not allowed. If the daughter want to refer to her father and his wife, she has to say 'Dad and his wife' or 'Dad and Sarah', when other kids would say 'your dad and step-mum'

It's nothing to do with anyone asking the child to call the woman 'Step-Mum' to her face. Nobody has.

your ex wife is definitely being unreasonable.
however the relationship you have with your daughter could be at risk if you insist on the step mum thing, I appreciate it’s your daughters choice to call her that, but maybe just call your new wife by another term instead.
With regards to the other stuff I don’t think meeting hostility with hostility is the answer here, just reply to her in a nice way and say things like ‘we enjoy shopping there’ etc etc and ask her not to send messages via your daughter as it’s not getting passed over correctly and it’s not fair to rely on a 6 year old to be giving messages.
Tell her that life is busy and you can’t always answer texts And calls so the day your daughter is coming to your home is the best day to text, otherwise you just might not see it.
Maybe just to placate things have your daughter wear a ‘uniform’ when you pick her up and a similar uniform when she returns home - for example basic tracksuit bottoms or leggings with a t shirt- keep your clothes for her to wear at yours and let her have her own wardrobe at mums house.

Your ex is just hurting. I think I'd find it really hard if my son had a step mum. I carried my on and birthed him and ruined my body to have him. I'm.his mum and this is my Job. The rewrs is to be called mum and have that rope and wouldn't want someone else doing my job with my kid. I'd react the same way even if I knew legally that it was a step mum.
The ironic part is I have a 'step mum' but I never took to her. I think there comes a tike where a child is too old to get a step mum. They just don't have the same bond.

stepmother meaning https://g.co/kgs/u9M3D95
🤷‍♀️

Well yes, I'm sure everyone knew the dictionary definition of step-mother, but "step-mother" has no legal significance for the children.

As with all threads like this one, where one parent is painted as the problem, and the OP is doing everything right, and people are merrily declaring the other parent to be appalling - I'd LOVE to hear the other side.

In these situations it's incredibly rare for it to be one person who is purely unreasonable for no reason, and people are rarely blessed with the level of introspection to present an accurate assessment of their own behaviour. We don't know what the dd is saying to her mum, for starters. We only have one, very biased, telling of what is and has happened.

Far more likely that the ex would give an entirely different version of events - and the truth actually lies somewhere in the middle.

But this woman is her Step Mum. If the father and her wanted the daughter to call her 'Mum' that would be different. And if that's what the girl wants to call her 'Stepmother' that is what she should be able to. Mum needs to chill and not use the child as a pawn.

So she moved in with you after 6 months? Engaged then married 18 months later? All with your 6 year old resident with you 3 days a week? You don't think you've rushed things a bit? Honestly, at 18 months you should be only just introducing your new girlfriend, not having her co-parenting her. I'm not surprised your ex is uncomfortable with your child having a new step-mum, and whilst I can see that you think she's being unnecessarily controlling and picky, considering your impulsive behaviour I'm not really surprised.

I have to laugh at this😂...yet not a word said about the mothers behaviour. Lighten up. 18 months to meet a child? Don't be daft.

She ended the relationship whilst having an emotional affair with one of her exes

Use the term ‘bonus mum’ instead. That’d really piss her off.

What an absolutely poisonous thing to say! You horrible person.

I actually don't think it's fair to let your daughter decide. In a way you're asking her to choose between parents and their wishes. Not fair.

Counselling could be helpful.

It's not unusual for biological parents to have trouble with the terms (and the reality of) step-mum or dad by the way.

Not sure why you’re getting so much negativity on this post OP, just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic dad with your little girl’s best interests in mind. Not unreasonable at all for your child to call your wife her stepmum if that’s what she’s comfortable with, shame your ex is complicating matters and letting her own insecurities or whatever get in the way of her child’s adjustment to a new situation. Seems mediation would be helpful so she can hear a neutral third party tell her to prioritise the well-being of her child over her own discomfort or insecurity.

Are you involved in the child’s school life op? My child’s school has a team that can be brought in to help children with outside issues, family, relationships, changes, anything that may affect the child. I think it’s called the pastoral team. They have had a helping hand with my child on several occasions. Wondering if it’s an option for your child. It’s good because it’s people the children know and trust and they do specific work on the issues that are arising.

The little messages and comments to the child need to stop. Absolutely out of order and not fair on her at all. I think what you’ve said is reasonable and your daughter should feel comfortable to be able to call your wife whatever she wishes I’d say aslong as she doesn’t refer to her as mum. It seems like your ex is jealous that you’ve moved on imo.

Yeah you need more separation.

she is the step mom. Daughter is not wrong in calling her that.

clothes shouldn’t be going back And forth. That ends that problem. And easy fun thing to do, go shopping with daughter. Only three days a week, so it’s not a huge expense. And anything daughter brings back and forth is her responsibility not yours. A six yo can track that.

ignore Texts that aren’t on handover days or emergency.

if you don’t have a proper custody agreement. Get one.

STBXH and I are working with a very experienced relationship therapist at the moment on our separation and co-parenting arrangements, and she has heavily emphasised her advice that children should not be introduced to a parent's new partner for an absolute minimum of a year. At eighteen months the new partner's relationship with the child should still be in its fairly early stages. A lot of children would have a lot more stability if this kind of thinking were the norm.

And if you asked 20 experienced relationship therapists any question you'd get 20 answers.

How many have you asked?

I think you are trying your best in a difficult situation. It may be that your ex may be fearful and feel threatened by your family set up, she may be worried that you daughter may enjoy her time with you both so much that she worries your daughter might want to live full time with you and is therefore trying to make it sound less perfect. (Does she have a new partner?) keep doing what you are doing, whilst it did happen quickly you are married and in a committed relationship. Let your daughter use what she’s comfortable with and probably mediation would help.

Just go to the library or Google anything to do with relationship advice and you'll get wildly different answers from a whole host of "relationship experts" of different shades. When it comes to blended families, you'll find even more varied opinions, but hardly any research to back up any of them, so every opinion is actually just the opinion of that person, informed by their own personal, anecdotal experience.