Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

This.

You've put your own sex life over the wellbeing of your daughter. When you're a parent, you don't rush these things as it will (and has) affected your child.

Completely irresponsible parenting and I can see why your child's mum isn't happy.

Unfortunately, there's really very little you can do to change how your ex reacts. All you can do is modulate your own reaction and do your best to create a safe and secure environment for your daughter.

I would just tell your daughter that she can call your wife her stepmum if she wants to and you're not sure why her mum said she couldn't.

And it’s very relevant whether your new wife had any part in the split.

It is literally not. If you are focusing on the wellbeing if the child, this has absolutely nothing to do with her.

It is relevant.
It explains very well why the child's mother is so unhappy with everything.

The number of people who haven't actually ready OP 's posts is ridiculous.

It's the child who decided to call OP 's wife her step mum OP didn't introduce the wife as her step mum. No-one encouraged it, and OP and wife have already given her other options that she sometimes uses. But his DD wants to be like her friends and refer to the wife as her step mum. She gets to have agency over what she wants to call her, surely?

It is neglectful - he has put his own needs first and rushed in to a wedding. 18 months is nothing and he thinks the new wife had a legal standing in his dds life. She doesn’t, I wonder if he had said this to the ex..

She may be unhappy, but she needs to put her unhappiness to one side and prioritise her daughter’s feelings. Right now she is adding to the child’s confusion instability.

And he's already answered. There was no cheating, and his ex initiated the divorce well before he met his present wife.

But her being unhappy with everything does not give her any additional right to exercise control over the OP's life and parenting?

Of course I have empathy for her, but it doesn't mean it's okay to put a child in the middle of her hurt. Using the child to communicate things, telling the child people are not part of her family etc, is immature and manipulative behaviour, and will have a direct impact on her child.

-commenting on where we do our shopping

What do you mean by this?

-dictating routines in our house

Such as what your daughter eats and when she goes to bed, and how much television she watches?

I think mediation sounds like a sensible option and possible some sort of therapy for your child.

If that is your definition of neglect, you have an extremely sheltered life 🙄

Please read my OP and following ones…
I have at no point imposed any terms on my daughter to use. I have on a number of occasions explained to her that she can call my wife whatever she would prefer.

She decided to use the term step mum as other friends have stepparents and only uses on occasion when explaining who my wife is to other people.

Were you married to your daughter's mother?

Why? The child sounds absolutely fine. This whole argument about being married after 18 months, 18 months is 25% of the daughter's life and a very long time from her perspective. Just because adults think 18 months is too short a timescale (I don't think it is that short anyway) doesn't mean a child will.

Who ended your previous relationship? She is clearly BU however has had to cope with alot of change in a short space of time and although unreasonable it is understandable, particularly if she has not moved on.
Your ex cannot dictate what happens in your time with DD. It sounds as though ex baits you into conversation but you are engaging, justifying your decisions and choices. For now it is probably best to keep contact to a minimum don't reply to anything unless it is about pick ups, drop offs or information that needs to be shared.

Yeah, that kind of thing.
At one point commenting on how much money I must have because I buy organic vegetables.
Insisting I don’t discuss the benefits of eating responsibly sourced food because she doesn’t buy organic produce and that if “makes her look bad”
Complaining that I changed the shampoo I use for DD (even though her mum rarely bathes her at her house).
Stating that I am “preventing her development” because I lay out outfits for DD to wear at weekends (I permit her to wear what she likes if she wants to wear something different).

crazy, petty stuff… hope this clarifies.

Hard agree.

No matter the circumstances of the divorce I think the child should be centre here. And the OP is trying to be a decent dad, he's not imposed a name like step mum and DD just uses it to describe relationship. I use that term to describe my mum's DP who isn't even my step dad as they aren't married but it's the most conventional way to describe our relationship.
Mum sounds like she's struggling with her emotions here and probably needs support but no way OP should suggest that !

No, we were not married.
together for almost 13 years however.

At one point commenting on how much money I must have because I buy organic vegetables

Are you paying maintenance?

I agree.
No mention of how the wife’s actions will impact their DD.
There DD is referring to her dad’s wife as step-mum and probably feeling no way about it and her mum tells her that is wrong and she must not use that word, that this woman isn’t part of her family and is merely a friend of dad’s.
How is that ok?
My DS was aware of the term ‘step’ from a young age as my brother has a step child and he wondered why he referred to my brother by his name but his other children called him dad.
I explained this to him and and also told him that his own dad had a stepdad, and that was why he called him a different name to his uncles and aunt ( though as they barely spoke he hadn’t picked up in this).
My DS had a real obsession with family dynamics when he was young, I come from a very large family and I think he was just trying to make sense of it all. He would always ask friends about their families too.
So I am surprised that this poster has never encountered young children that use /are aware of the term.

Evidently, the child is not fine if she is seeking guidance on what to call her step-mum. It a lot for a young child to navigate a separation and conflict between parents. Play therapy can be helpful for young children to express their emotions in a safe way BTW, I never mentioned the timeline of the relationship.

Okay, there's your problem right there.

You were with her for 13 years, you had a child with her, yet you didn't marry her.

And now you've married another woman only a few months after meeting her.

That's why your daughter's mother is upset. That's why she's making all these digs.

I can't honestly blame her.

Did she come out of the split at a financial disadvantage?

Your ex sounds controlling. I've no idea why people feel empathy for her, if you separate then it's highly likely your child will be involved with a step parent, and she was the one who instigated the split. I imagine if she had remarried she would have no issues with your daughter referring to her husband as step dad, and if you had an issue with that you'd be accused of being bitter and controlling.

You're married, it's hardly a fling. It sounds like you've done a good job with the transition and the only person causing your daughter confusion is your ex.

Mediation is definitely the best course of action if conversations between you two aren't working.

Yes I am, at the agreed amount as set out by the .gov website.
Although recently she insisted she is entitled to an element of my personal Universal Credit payments as I receive the child element of this even though she is not entitled to benefits due to her level of savings.