Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Most parents do not even introduce children to partners in the timescale where you have met, moved in and married your partner

Her mum has every right to be concerned and she is right your wife is not your child’s step mum she is her dad’s wife and that is all she will be while she has an active mum in the picture

This thread is so annoying. As soon as anyone admits that a new relationship happened reasonably fast, that's all anyone wants to react to.

The situation is what it is. It's the child that matters and she's confused and getting distressed by her mum's restrictions. THAT'S what OP needs help with. Constantly berating him for the speed of the relationship does not help his daughter in any way at this point. What's done is done and he needs help with this.

Also, how many times? His wife was not the other woman and he didn't cheat.

So let's give him advice that helps the daughter, rather than ranting.

OP - again, mediation is probably the only way to move forward. Good luck.

You can’t honesty blame her’ for getting her child caught up in the middle of her bitterness?

Are you this difficult? You’re desperate to have a reason to attack the bloke.

OP I agree with others that 18 months is probably a bit fast and your ex is a bit wary. I also imagine it’s hard as a parent to see their child call another person ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ in any sense, however it’s all irrelevant, because you are married and she is her step mum. You need to get some mediation - you and your ex, not you, your ex and your new wife, this will feel one sided and like hanging up to your ex - and work through this, do not let it stagnate as it might get a lot worse for your daughter.

Op I think the real answer here - is to try to connect to your ex and hear what she is 'really' saying.

she is hurt and sad that a woman so quickly in her childs life has taken the name mother.

Now it really doesn't matter if everyone here says your ex is unreasonable does it? Because you still have to get on with your ex ! She is your child's mother.

So - mediation - but you have to be prepared to actually listen. Perhaps if your ex felt heard - she would soften on some of her perspectives.

The problem with AIBU is it's about who is 'right and who is 'wrong' - but this is a woman you have a relationship with for the rest of your life.

Why not approach her with the spirit of understanding and see where you get.

I know you didn't ask why of me but I also suggested mediation.
So will answer from my perspective.

The communication between. Dad and his x have broken down. Mum is trying to impose her expectations on to dad's life. We do not know if they are reasonable or not as op has not elaborated on what they are.

Mum is using their dd to shuffle messages (I recall what that felt like it is NOT nice) she is not showing any level of restraint I. How she communicates with her daughters dad.

Mum is imposting her wishes on the step mum when in fact legally dad's wife IS the dds step mum.
(People seem to be confusing if step Mum being a legal term or if it gives step Mum/dad rights it IS a legal term it is the wedded partner of a parent . However as a step parent you do not have any legal rights to that child two different things)

Mum is not putting her dd first when she uses her to shuffle messages. When she tries to dictate what she can call her step mother and when she messages a lot.

Due to this I recommended mediation to get a parenting plan agreed. I would also suggest it is a good idea for op to ensure his x knows she doesn't get a say in how his household runs just like he doesn't get a say I how hers run. Children can work 2 different routines just fine.

That poster has been looking for a reason to attack the OP as soon as he posted - unfortunately some posters on here just cannot stand men whatsoever and will be nasty rather than trying to give them constructive support.

As usual the vipers have pounced on the OP I see. Surely it was obvious that the OP didn't understand the term OW?

Also, everyone saying the timeline is very rushed - is it really? He was separated from his ex for three years, then he met someone else who he moved in with after six months and is now married to after 18 months. I don't understand how long the courtship is supposed to last these days? Surely the fact that he has married this woman is a sign of his commitment to her?

Anyway, besides the above, whilst OP is clearly not trying to force use of the term step-mum, this is in fact the correct term, and the ex does not get a say in the matter. She is going to have to grow up and accept that her daughter comes first and that her petty grievances are her own problem.

Just the CMS amount?
Wow.
I'm really starting to understand the comments about what you buy to eat.
It sounds like you've screwed her over by not marrying her, and by not paying much maintenance.

Your poor DD. She needs to be able to qualify who your wife is when she is talking to a friend/teacher.

"Daddy and Charlotte took me to the cinema."
"Who is Charlotte?"
"My step-mum."

She could say she's Daddy's wife, but her friends use step-mum.

@@saraclara -

The point is that people are trying to unpick why there is sadness/ resentment that makes reasonable conversation difficult.

Relationships like this - between partner and ex - are not about what is 'rationally' correct are they? And the Op here needs a good relationship with his ex - so he should be trying to think how his past behaviour and her hurt are impacting her behaviour now.

This is Dadsnet, not AIBU.

Omg this thread has brought out the usual crew of nutters that appear on step parents threads!

To me it’s quite clear that the child has chosen to use the term step mum in conversation with others (because as she pointed out, lots of other children have step parents). It’s more likely she calls the new wife by her name. I’m not sure whether mediation will work with this type of bitter ex. My husband’s first wife was the same. We just tried to be as normal and fair as we could. We told him I was never going to be his mum, but I loved him and would always be there for him. I had never been the ow, his mother had had the affair and remarried before me. My seven year old stepson dealt with it all much better than his mother. I remember him panicking as his mum pulled up to collect because “he still had a photo of his pony on his screensaver and his mum would tell him to get that ugly thing off his phone and put their dog on it”. Loads of little things like that. Always trying to control his experience with us. Now, 20 years on she doesn’t have any control, and he often rolls his eyes when talking about her and says “you know what she gets like!” She’s tried to control a lot of his life aside from with us - choice of uni etc. I think he finds her hard work, even though he loves her.

Ignore most of what your Ex tells you. You dont have to listen to them.

Your DD can do whatever she wants to do as long as its acceptable to you when she's with you. She doesn't have to do anything your ex tells her when she's with you. I wouldn't be correcting DD if you are happy with whatever she calls your new wife.

You can parent how you want and your ex can parent how she wants. You don't have to do what she says or wants and vice versa.

My DC call my exH’s DP step mum. I find this hard as I never imagined being in this situation (I didn’t instigate the split & she is the OW). However, I have never reacted or made comment as she is their step mum. Like you OP, my DC live with them 3 nights a week & she fulfils the mum role whether I like it or not.
Your ex is being unreasonable & hopefully mediation will help. You both need to but your DD first.
It does sound a quick relationship but without DC involved I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelid.

Huh? I love how you've made the assumption it was all his decision not to marry her. She obviously chose to remain with him for 13 years and have a baby with him, so she can't have been that insistent on marriage.

He's on UC, so clearly has a low income, and yet is paying 12% of his gross income if he's going by CMS payments. How badly financially disadvantaged would you like to see him?

As far as I can tell the issue with the shipping is that your ex can’t afforded to shop for organic food and doesn’t like you telling your daughter that it’s the best way to eat. Maybe the daughter is being picky about her food when she is with her mother?

The clothes thing, it seems to be that your ex thinks you’re being controlling. It could be that your daughter tells her that “daddy lays out my clothes for me” and it seems that she’s being told what to wear?

I have to say that I am inclined to agree. Your ex might be a bit unreasonable, but it does rather sound like she comes from an understandable place of hurt and bitterness.

When the relationship ended, as you weren't married, did you walk away with a lot more than her?

And of course she shouldn't comment on your shopping choices but bloody hell, can you be at least a bit understanding - pontificating to your dd about the importance of organic food etc when she doesn't have the money to pay for that?

And CMS at the amount agreed by the government website....I know that's all that women are legally enttled to but I'm always shocked at how relaxed people are about how little it is.

FFS posters tying themselves in knots to make out OP had an affair. He has repeatedly said he didn't. It was very clear that the didn't know that OW means an affair partner.

Not sure why this is relevant.
I am on a low income and benefits and DD’s mother has a 6 figure sum in the bank.

She also agreed to the maintenance amount and DD is with me almost half of the time.

I think you can make it simple for your daughter by saying, "Wife is legally your step mum and you can call her that to us and your friends."

And I would say to your ex that using your daughter to relay messages is unacceptable, and using her to express grievances against you is completely out of order. Mediation might be a good option, if she's willing to try it.

I agree with pp that it might be the speed at which your new relationship developed that's the problem. It's not been tested over time, and so the risk is that it won't work out, and someone your DD has invested in as step mum leaves her life. Your ex may be trying to protect her from that by enforcing a distance, and saying your wife isn't really anything to her. If that's the case, then only time is going to make a difference.

Like others have said, 18 months from stranger to married is very fast, especially when a child is involved. And you don't say how long it was from break-up until new relationship. But considering the child is only 6 now... I'd suspect not massively long.

But that being said, what's done is done, and it sounds like you're actively trying to do what's right for your daughter. But you can surely see that DD's mother isn't THRILLED to be having to share the "mum" title with a relative newcomer, who is now playing "mummy" with her still very young child.

As for the petty stuff, like sending the right clothes home, that's a really easy fix on your part. But it does sound like you might need a more formal arrangement, and perhaps mediation, going forward.

If you read my post you will see that I said.both of this childs parents are being neglectful. They are both putting their own needs and wants ahead of what is best for their child. Mum by causing conflict issues with her controlling demands and Dad by introducing a new partner so early in the relationship and by digging his heels in when this issue is easily resolved. Both parents are focussing on their own "rights" and neglecting their child's right to have a full, happy and healthy relationship with both of their parents.

I pay the maintenance as agreed by the mother and myself.
I am in a low income that entitles me to benefits.
The mother has a large amount of savings.

She ended the relationship whilst having an emotional affair with one of her ex’s.

I moved out, received nothing following the breakup and had to fund setting up a new house.

I hope this clarifies some of the questions above.

thanks for your continued input, it’s all welcome.

Your wife is your DDs step mother. Her mother needs to accept that as an objective fact. The title your DD uses for her is up for negotiation. Personally I'd have encouraged first name out of respect for your DDs mother who is the only person really entitled to be called mum. It can be very upsetting to hear another person referred to by your child as mum (would you be OK with another man called dad?) and petty as it may seem, can go a long way to souring relationships. Theres a few ways in which your ex is overstepping and the more she feels she is being forced to share her role of mum, the more likely she will feel the need to fight for it. If i were you id be being very careful to give her her due and make sure your new wife isnt seen in anyway to be usurping her.