Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Your new wife can't be the Other Woman if you met her three years after you separated. Other Woman OW is an affair partner.

Your timeline doesn't add up.

To be fair I think the fact you met, got engaged and were married within 6 months of meeting this woman is most of the problem here. My husband and I have a child and if we were to separate I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with “step mum” for awhile. Relationships that escalate that quickly have a habit of de-escalating in the same way, I’d be wary of using the term step mum in that instance because I wouldn’t want my daughter having a new step mum every couple of years.

Were you cheating on your wife?

No parent who is remotely attuned to his six year old child’s needs would move a new girlfriend in within six months of meeting her. I imagine your ex sees her child’s ‘stepmother’ as likely to be a temporary one.

Thank you for your message.
The only agenda I have is for my new family unit to live an undisturbed and peaceful life together.

At all points I have tried to ensure my daughter’s needs have been considered first and ensured that she is emotionally supported throughout.
She has embraced all of the changes every well, and to clarify, at no point have I wanted to implement the term step-mum at all. My daughter chose it from chatting with kids at school and wants to use it on occasion when talking about her.

i have continually tried to respectfully respond to the mothers requests whilst continuously laying down boundaries regarding what is and is not her responsibility.

Yes, exactly.

How were you seeing your bit on the side for 18 months, despite saying that you've been seeing her for three years?

No, not sure why this is relevant here.
we had been separated for 3 years before I met my new wife.

Sorry but the timeline is absolutely the point here, as you can see from every single response… and your overly formal, ‘I-am-a-serious-person-and-a-responsible-parent’ style reply only shows that don’t you know it.

In a nutshell, if you’d actually carried out your role as a dad to emotionally support your daughter, you wouldn’t be married now to someone you didn’t know from Adam less than two years ago, and maybe your Ex would have more trust in you as a parent and wouldn’t be hitting out in this way or as clearly distressed about the whole situation as it is.

That’s what it is. Mediation is the best answer, and a far more honest discussion with your ex about how this could have been handled better. I’d hope that if you could get to that position, she might be able to feel less antagonistic towards you. You’ve been split up for a while. This is very likely really about her not trusting either you or the new wife, rather than any sort of jealousy about moving on.

I think he meant to say she was not OW.

But in another post he says she was the OW in a relationship which allegedly ended three years ago.

18 months from meeting to married…..I mean you it’s not even recommended to introduce a partner to your children until 6 months dating- you’d already moved your girlfriend into the home.

Okay, so how was the new wife an OW if you've only known her for 18 months?

As I said before, your timeline doesn't add up.

I have misunderstood abbreviations here!
I was not having an affair with my wife whilst with my Ex.
we had been separate for almost 3 years before I met my wife.

OP this is going to cause major confusion! OW in this sense means other woman, as in affair partner. If you say your new wife is OW, you’re saying she’s the woman you had an affair with, not just ‘the other woman in this scenario’.

Clearly that’s not the case and you didn’t have an affair!

You asked for opinions.

Mine is that your ex needs to grow up, back off and start working on acceping the reality of the new situation. Instead of trying to gaslight your daughter.

Your wife is your daughter's stepmother. She is not a friend, she is part of your (and your daughter's) family.

Your ex sounds way out of line.

I write as a stepmother, and as the mother of children who have had two stepmothers ( so far).

@TheShellBeach @PotNoodleNancy they were separated 3 years before the divorce. The OP described the wife as OW but I don’t think understood ‘other woman’ to mean he cheated. @Iamadaddoinghisbest it might help to clarify whether or not you were in a relationship with new woman before ending the one with your DD’s Mum.

I have continually tried to respectfully respond to the mothers requests whilst continuously laying down boundaries regarding what is and is not her responsibility

Are you this wordy and pompous IRL?

OW in a different relationship? As in, the OP had another relationship after the end of his relation with the six year old’s mother, and cheated on that woman with his now wife?

None of the scenarios make him sound like someone with good judgement around his daughter and ‘integrating’ his romantic life with her needs.

In any normal relationship your new wife would still be your girlfriend, not a step mum,she wouldn't have met your daughter so fast, she wouldn't have gotten engaged and moved in so, so quickly. You and your new wife haven't put DD first, at all, she is just being super cooperative and seeking to please you, because she is 6 years old and wants to normalise this situation you've put her in by using the step mum title, she's trying to be like her peers, fitting in at school, trying to put words to this otherwise random woman who moved in with her. You shouldn't have moved another adult into her home with you like this, poor kid. You have prioritised your relationship, sex life and joint finances over your own young child.
This is not a normal situation and your ex is reacting to that in all her behaviours, even is loads of it is unreasonable, you have caused it.

I don’t think the OP understood what was being asked re the term, OW. It’s clear his new wife was not the OW and his relationship with his ex ended 3yrs before he met his wife. I think he meant the term literally when he said she’s the OW in the scenario.

I do think the relationship has progressed very quickly but maybe they just knew. And it’s clear the OP is in no way pressuring his DD to use the term, stepmother. The ex commenting on their shopping etc all sounds a little strange. Maybe she is just worried about the speed of the relationship but the truth is, she could be someone who’s a little over invested in her ex’s life. That’s not to say his life is none of her business, of course it is if her daughter stays in their house. But things like the shopping etc are overstepping somewhat.

And OP it's very, very relevant for us to ask if you cheated on your first wife.

Regardless of the circumstances, your ex doesn't get a say. That's what happens when you're not together anymore.

How can your new wife be the OW if you've only known her for 18 months and you've been seperated from your first wife for 3 years. That doesn't make sense. Did you manage to squeeze another relationship in between and you cheated on her with your now wife? I've got a feeling your ex wife has valid concerns and grievances.