Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

You can just say zero

I think it’s pretty fair to say that most therapists would err on the side of leaving it longer rather than sooner to introduce children to a new partner. It’s lovely that there are success stories as the exceptions to the rule but they don’t negate the many cases where damage is done because a new partner is moved in to the family home too quickly. Sadly anyone who works with children, myself included, encounters many such cases - anecdotal though they may be.

the damage is normally done where are the multiple partners very quickly or obviously if the partner is abusive or doesn’t get on with the child. This is not the case here.

Personally I think a year is too long. I’d much rather make sure everyone gels before it gets too serious and trying to hide a relationship from children is just building secrets. But it’s very nuanced.

Berating the op for what has obviously been a successful introduction is not helpful.

I don’t think mocking posters who favour a more cautious approach is especially helpful either 🤷🏽‍♀️

It sounds like your ex is trying to protect your child from your bad choices. At six months the girlfriend shouldn't even be introduced, let alone moving in. And then to get married so quick. Your ex probably sees that this is unlikely to last and doesn't want her child mourning the loss of a 'mother figure' when it goes in the toilet.

THIS! 🙌🙌🙌🙌
This isn’t about the name. She is clearly hurting big time and not only is she upset, she has to manage those emotions around a young daughter which she is obviously struggling to do.
Seems to me she is having difficulty with the fact she was ‘replaced’ so quickly. You moved on quickly within a short space of time.
If there is any slither of resentment towards your wife then I get why she won’t her own daughter using her name/relationship (Mum) to refer to her.
I think you’ll have to give her time and maybe try some mediation with a third party. The more pressure you put on her, the more she’ll push back.

He didn’t meet his new partner till 3 years after the split. If the ex is struggling with that then she shouldn’t be taking those feelings out on her daughter

Ah, I apologise, I obviously misread it.

If she didn't want replacing, she should not have had the emotional affair and she should not have initiated the split. Did she expect him to stay single and celibate for the rest of his life, after she made the split?

And yes, it was the three years after the slot that he met his new partner for the first time.

@aodirjjd

He didn’t meet his new partner till 3 years after the split. If the ex is struggling with that then she shouldn’t be taking those feelings out on her daughter

However the time line doesn't make sense.

The daughter was nearly 6 when they met and is now nearly 7 but they met 18 months ago.

Ignore people harping on the timeline / they don’t know your relationship. IMO I have seen long happy marriages that started quickly and long courtships that ended quickly after marriage. In any event, your ex is being a baby and trying to control you through the child. You need to stop this in its tracks. Tell her if she doesn’t start being reasonable - that is not contacting you at all except to do with the child, you will go to court to establish a custody order that has contact stipulations. She doesn’t get to dictate what happens in your home or what your daughter calls your wife. Just, no.

But the way that children get introduced to multiple partners very quickly is where the parent rushes into relationships and introduces the partner very quickly.

If parents took a more cautious approach and waited a year/18 months or so to introduce the child to the partner then it wouldn't be a quick introduction and it would be more likely to be a stable relationship which will last and so it would lessen the chances of multiple partners getting introduced too fast.

Depending on the age of your daughter it is usual that she choose how she refers to people. Depending how she’s feeling dsd either refers to me as her mum / her step mum / the lady that lives with her dad. She’s 11 though.

i have no tips on resolving this however.

That's clearly not what has happened here, they've been in a committed relationship for 18 months and are now married. You're making the assumption that all relationships are the same. When you've been around the block a few times you know pretty quickly when something is going to work.

if I had to guess I’d say this is why she’s behaving this way, you were with her for 13 years and had a child but didn’t fully commit buy getting married, then months into a new relationship your married… she’s probably quite bitter and hurt, she maybe even feels quite threatened especially if DD has spoken about how much she likes new step mum to her….Although this isn’t an excuse for her to involve your DD in grown up feelings or dictate what DD calls your new wife! presumably step mum is fun, doesn’t get involved in any of the discipline and is lovely to DD? DD will likely be going back to mums and telling her how lovely step mum is, and mum is probably worried that DD will favour step mum?
I agree with other posters about trying meditation and also getting DD to paint pictures for mum/bake cakes/buy her fave chocolate bar from the shop, just reassuring mum that the end goal is everyone being happy!

They moved in together after 6 months. You barely know someone after 6 months! Married at 12 months and now, at 18 months, they're still in the honeymoon period. It's all been very rushed and that's totally fine if there are no children involved and it's just two consenting adults. But bearing in mind there's a young child involved, it's highly irresponsible and the adults (OP and wife) in this situation seem to have put themselves first and child second.

This kind of judgmental bullshit is infuriating. You can find out after 20 years that your partner has cheated for years. I know plenty of couples who have been together where the man is up to things that would end the relationship if the woman knew. You ever really know someone. Having a relationship progress on its own terms is not ‘putting children second’, you are being ridiculous. ‘Putting children second’ is throwing a fit because your daughter likes her stepmother.

You're right, you never really know someone. But you're a hell of a lot more likely to know someone and have an idea if the relationship is stable and for the long term if you take your time. I know people who have been in decades long relationships which have broken down. I know a lot more people though who have short term relationships which have broken down.

Having a relationship progress on its own terms in itself isn't putting a child second; rushing into a relationship at top speed and involving the child in it is putting the child second.

Maybe you're just not a very good judge of character. My husband and I got engaged after 12 weeks and we've now been married for 7 years and I have a lovely relationship with my stepdaughter. We didn't need to wait 12 months to know.

I'm probably an average judge of character. I'm genuinely happy to hear that it worked out for you and your husband but that doesn't mean that it was a sensible thing to do, especially with a child involved. Luckily for the child, it has worked out with you and your husband so far. However I can't imagine putting my child in the situation where they are being introduced to a partner at warp speed before even I truly know them, at least as well as I can before making a commitment.

I did know him, as well as I needed to to know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him anyway.

And there are hundreds of women on mumsnet who thought this exact same thing at one point or another. Plenty it worked out for, plenty it didn't.

And yet it isn't the daughter that has the problem just the ex!

Of course your wife is her step-mum. Presumably she just calls her by her name but the reality she is her step mum so if your daughter wants to her as such she should be allowed to even if her mum says she shouldn't.

@MrsSunshine2b

"Maybe you're just not a very good judge of character. My husband and I got engaged after 12 weeks and we've now been married for 7 years and I have a lovely relationship with my stepdaughter. We didn't need to wait 12 months to know.

......

That's clearly not what has happened here, they've been in a committed relationship for 18 months and are now married. You're making the assumption that all relationships are the same. When you've been around the block a few times you know pretty quickly when something is going to work."

LOL!! You have clearly been lucky, just because your romantic impulsive wedding has worked out (so far) doesn't alter the fact that in most cases "marry in haste, repent at leisure" is a saying for a reason. The vast majority of couples who throw themselves into commitment like this don't stay together long term once the tedium of real life kicks in.

False. Statistics show that the longer a couple cohabits before marriage, the less likely the marriage is to work out.

My parents are another example- engaged after a week, married in 3 months, still together after 46 years.

And yet everyone I know who got married after being together for 5+ years ended up divorced shortly after.

If you're not sure after a year of being together, then you probably don't actually want to be married.