Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Just to say I did and still do use dad's wife/ mum's partner and there was no issue. It was just a fact...

She has made her own mind up.
Read the op’s comments.

Just read the whole post, you clearly need mediation or something. The not kissing thing is ridiculous as is the constant texting...

But step parents have no legal parental rights. Daddy could drop dead tomorrow and mother can stop all contact immediately.

The step mum term doesn’t need to be used - my DSD (now an adult always uses my name - when she was young she added a ‘y’ to the end . We also moved quite quickly but are now 20 years on and I am lucky enough to have always got on well with DSD . She was a lovely 5 year old and she’s now mid twenties and I’m extremely proud of her and will defend her in the same way I would my own - a term step mum makes no difference- relationships are built on how you behave . You and your DW need to rise above as much as you can from your ex

It is a legal term. You aren’t a step parent unless you are married to the child’s parent. Dad’s girlfriend isn’t a step parent in the eyes of the law. Dad’s wife is though, even if dad’s ex doesn’t like it.

People who aren’t married aren’t step parents even though they might call themselves that - they really aren’t. They are just a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Partner’s family aren’t in laws either, even though unmarried people use these phrases.

Step parent has legal implications and meaning in several areas of law, where a parent’s unmarried partner has no bearing.

I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from.
It seems your wife is confusing your poor daughter due to her own insecurities.
Your daughter was happy to refer to your wife as her ‘stepmum’ and was in fact the one that decided to use this term as it is familiar to her due to friends having stepparents.
The issue here, isn’t how long you have known your wife or how early you introduced her, it’s that your ex is imposing rules on your daughter ‘You are not to call her stepmum’ based on her own selfish reasons.
Even if she feels the relationship moved too fast and is concerned it may not last, she cannot use that as an excuse to confuse your daughter as to who your wife is.
If your daughter has a good relationship with your wife and she is happy and comfortable at your home, it seems really sad and wrong that your ex is putting her own selfish feelings before her child’s.
Definitely try to involve a mediator, someone to try to help your ex see that she is confusing her poor child and she needs to comes to terms with the fact you are a married couple, raising your child together whether she likes it or not.
Co -parenting is hard and very anxiety inducing and when you have a certain view of parenting or what you want for your child, I get that it feels very upsetting when things are done differently. However, getting a child caught up in the middle of your bullshit is never ok.

I really agree with this. Never particularly liked the term tbh, prob why I didn't / don't tend to use it. I think a a lot of people use first names/ mum's husband etc. There are clearly bigger issues her (the not to kiss her is much more of an issue IMO and ridiculous) but I wouldn't worry too much re step-mum term

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago

this is a foolish timeline if you were both single adults.
it is a totally irresponsible timeline when children are involved.

i feel sorry for your Dd and sympathy for your ex.

let your Dd call your wife Nancy or whatever until she feels like saying something different. You don’t just present a woman and say this is your stepmother. It’s not 1925…

He meant she is the OW being discussed in this situation apart from him and his dd mother lol not that she was the OW and had an affair. Maybe I'm just mental but I understood exactly what he meant but anyway as per usual this will descend into madness with people going off road and not reading it properly and telling him his timelines don't add up (they do if you read it properly) think my favourite response though is asking whether he is this wordy and pompous in real life lol anyway good luck OP you will leave here wondering what the hell has just happened lol

I’m sorry for your daughter that the relationship with your ex wife is clearly toxic, it is incredibly damaging to your daughter to be surrounded by negativity. My kids have a step mum and I am a step mum. Personally I don’t like the term stepmum. All kids only have 1 mum and I don’t think there is any real parenting role that should be undertaken by a step parent. Just my view. I have a very good relationship with my ex husband and his wife. My kids are always amazed and their friends don’t have the same experience. Work on improving your relationship with your ex if possible, otherwise it’s so damaging for the kids.

Op go to mediation and get an agreed parenting plan.

The thread has got bugged down on the speed of the relationship but that's not actually the issue as such. The issue is a breakdown in communication between you and your x. Mediation can support you to find a middle route.

I have a stepdad. I refer to him as my stepdad to others but use his name to his face (or call him grandad I'd speaking to my children) he has been in my life for 47 years yet never married my mum so really he is not my stepdad.

To be honest, as much as people on here may not like it, the circumstances of your relationship are not relevant.

It may be an explanation to why your ex behaves in this manner, but the bottom line is, your ex partner does not have the right to dictate how you live your life.

You have parental responsibility and can manage that as you see fit.

If it were me personally, I would not retaliate or try to "lay down the law" with ex, I would stay neutral, and essentially smile and nod and carry on as you are.

Also, again if it were me personally, I would not allow your daughter to be drawn into conversations about these things, particularly the term "step mum". I would adopt a very neutral approach. So if she comes to you with these thoughts from mum, I would just say something like, "Step mum is a word we use when a dad has a new wife, your mum is always your mum, but X is here too and she is part of our family here. That is what it means, and you can use whatever word you are comfortable with when you talk about X." I would want to emphasise in an age appropriate way, that it doesn't really matter what word we use, what's important is who people are to us, and what they mean to us in our lives.

Too often when strong feelings are involved, parents who split up can become very het up over things that have become a symbolic big deal. It's displaced emotion, taking something we can't control and projecting it onto something that we feel like we can. Try not to worry about it too much. If you and your wife and have some perspective on the situation, remain neutral, not engage in any pettiness or tit for tat, and focus on your daughter and her best interests, things will calm down in time.

"The timeline (however brief in some opinions) is not necessary the point here. Especially after 18 months of relationship, it is clear that this is not a brief fling."

@Iamadaddoinghisbest

The timeline being very brief actually is the point though - 18 months is nothing! And 18 months from meeting, moving in, getting engaged and then married is brief, whether a fling or not. You pushed many many changes onto your little girl in a matter of months, which is unfair and irresponsible and whilst I agree, your ex-wife has no jurisdiction on what your daughter calls your latest wife, surely you can see where she's coming from? You moved on very very quickly and want everyone else to just go along with all the changes you want in peace and harmony - doesn't always work like that! You need mediation between you.

Mum needs to stop passing messages between your daughter, that is so manipulative and childish.

your dd should take the lead here, what does she want to call your wife, use this term and ignore mums demands. When your dd is in your care mum has NO say whatsoever .

I'm annoyed by all the judgy comments you are getting on the speed of your relationship. My husband and I were the exact same, engaged after 3 months, moved in around the same time, married 18 months later. Very happy 7 years on. Your timescales are no-one else's business. When you know, you know.

Your ex is being ridiculous, she sounds a lot like my DH's ex. I'd recommend you grey rock. Stop asking her or telling her about your routines and your lives.

So for example, when BM started giving us instructions on what we should be doing with my SD during her visits, he said, "Thanks for your email, we are able to plan our own activities to do with SD," and if pushed further, "We do not give you instructions on how to organise your time with SD, please do me the same courtesy," and then did not respond any further.

Ignore any messages not about DD or urgent. If DD carries a message, just say, "You don't need to carry messages for me or your Mum, if it's important, she'll contact me herself."

On the Stepmum thing, she is your daughter's Stepmum and that's the end of it. Just completely ignore anything ex says about it, it's not up to her to dictate what happens in your home.

You remarried far too soon, and it sounds a bit like you wanted a nanny for your DD. A woman willing to marry a father within months will probably want children of her own. This is a lot for a young child to process.
I can see why your DD's mother isn't happy, but you need to co-parent. Work on improving the relationship with your DD's mother.

It's your DD who's the important one here.

Your daughter should be allowed to decide what term she wants to use (in the absence of there being any good reason not to allow her the choice - and in this case, there is no good reason).

For those commenting on the speed of your relationship, I met my husband when we were both young. We were engaged within 6 months, living together in a year and married soon after (we've been married 22 years). Your timescales weren't that quick, perfectly normal for two people who are sure of their feelings (dithering in a relationship is usually indicative of uncertainty).

Stepmum or stepdad are not legal positions within family law in the UK. So when you mentioned earlier that your wife is legally your child's Stepmum you were wrong. The only time this would happen is if she gained parental responsibility through the courts which is highly unlikely as your chilf already has two (somewhat neglectful) but fairly competent parents.

Firstly, the amount of control your ex is trying to exert over your relationship with your daughter is unreasonable, but it is in direct correlation to the amount of powerlessness she is feeling in her relationship with her child. It is devastating for a mother to feel like someone else is taking over this role and imo it is extremely cruel to suggest that a woman whom your daughter has known for such a little amount of time has that moniker or role. Your wife can have a close and wonderful relationship with your daughter without being called mum.

I work closely with children and with separating parents. I have never encountered a six year old child asking to call their parents spouse "stepmum". I have also never encountered a six year old who has in depth discussions about their friends familial set ups. Conversations like "I go to daddy's on Fridays" do happen but they don't go into that much detail.

The biggest cause of trauma in children whose parents are separated is parental conflict. It is your responsibility to do whatever you can to weigh up the damage the particular issue may cause compared to the amount of damage the conflict may cause. In this case your child will experience absolutely no trauma from being told that your wife is part of her family but you call her by her name kind of like your cousin is in your family but you don't call them "cousin" you call them by your name. But if you encourage or push the "stepmum" thing you will worsten the conflict between you and her mum and that will cause her more pain and damage in the long run.

Superficially that’s true, but step parents can apply for PR and if granted this will carry weighting in any subsequent family court proceedings. Parental responsibility is the term, not parental rights. Being a step parent has implications in other areas of law, for example in probate, whereas mum/dad’s partner doesn’t.

OP were you and your daughter's mother married?

Moved in after 6 months and married after 18? So your child would have been 4 at the beginning of the relationship? That’s quick. How much thought did you give to your child’s well-being or whether she’d find it confusing or difficult to have a step-mother so soon and so young?

And I’m estimating from the (unclear) maths that if you split up 3 years before your 18 month relationship, now marriage, started, your daughter would have been barely more than a baby.

And it’s very relevant whether your new wife had any part in the split.

And I heard a lot about a point of view being ‘escalated’ because he needed to ‘defend’ it in a past relationship of mine. That ended with police and domestic abuse charges, so I’d strongly suggest you consider how you’re behaving, because your attitude on here is very familiar.

How shitty to throw around the term neglectful, particularly if you apparently work with children.

I hope you are also saying the same thing to mothers out there who are not weighing up the unreasonableness of their behaviour against the impact it has on their child.

Your not even two years in and your dd is expected to navigate adult emotions on both sides and now has a ‘step mum’

I think both sets of adults have failed this little girl.

I really hope you don’t cheat on this one as that means your dd will have been through this drama for nothing.

Posters don’t seem able to accept that this wee girl is calling her father’s wife by her first name but needed a description of her relationship when talking with her friends. Some of her friends have step mothers so she is familiar with the term and it will make her feel included.
She does not call her step mum to her face.
The only other description for the relationship is the archaic one of mother-in-law which until comparatively recently did not mean one’s spouses’ mother. ( refer Census returns which first used relationships in 1851)