Help please. My girlfriend dislikes my 11 year old son

[Wilfm11]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We both live together in a house owned by myself. She has two young girls and their dad plays an active role in their lives. My girlfriend and her ex get on well and have the same beliefs/rules when it come a to parenting. Loving and strict would be a fair summary.
I have three kids, two grown up and a 11 year son. He stays with me every other weekend and two nights in the week.
My ex and I don’t really get since splitting up 3 years ago. I think I parent him with love but try to put rules and boundaries in place. My ex is very loving to our son but has no real rules or boundaries when it comes to parenting. By her own admission she is too attached to him.
In the last 6 months he some times doesn’t want to stay at my house and it becomes a real battle to get him to come over, stating I get too angry with him, too many rules etc. I do try and listen to him, and empathise as his house that we just lived in now has 3 other people living there. He does get on with the two girls and does try hard. My girlfriend has made a huge effort with getting to know him, and talk to him.
So here is where my problem lies, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I’m not stricter with him and now thinks he plays me. I went to pick him up the other day as planned and he said he didn’t want to stay the night at mine because my ex’s family were staying down for Xmas. His mum who was also present said I needed to sort it out with him! So I agreed I would take him back later. My girlfriend went mad as we had made plans and I was weak/pathetic for allowing it and it was just tough, he should have just stayed the night. I physically cannot make him and he wouldn’t have come out of the house unless I agreed to take him back later. This happens a lot. My ex is not really interested in supporting me to resolve this situation.
My girlfriend is now at a point where she now dislikes/hates my son and is happier when he is not here staying in my house.
She has previously loads of effort to get to know him and take hime to the cinema etc. But she is very forthright and opinionated. I do struggle to have rational conversations with her …… most of the time.

Well she has a point that your DS is being giving all the power which is deeply unhealthy.

However I think you need to separate and work on your relationship with your DS and boundaries. You can't control your ex unfortunately.

That poor little boy.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to visit.

I think you need to listen to your son more. Why is he saying you’re too angry with him? What sort of “rules” are we talking about?

Difficult. Ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your son.
It's quite possible to live happily between two houses with different rules.
Is your son picking up on your gf feelings perhaps? Maybe he can tell she increasingly doesn't like him.
I have SC too and appreciate its not always easy.
Be honest with yourself too - are you being consistent?

I’m going to be honest and say her moving in with you with her two dds 18 months into the relationship was too quick.

He's very young and he needs you on his side. You have maybe 4 or 5 more formative years with him, then he'll be off doing his own thing. The fact that you say you struggle to have rational conversations with your partner most of the time is a red flag in itself. A couple of trips to the cinema does not constitute 'loads of effort'. You have to have empathy, patience and understanding. It doesn't sound like there's much of that kicking about

I think he can probably tell she doesn’t like him. I would suggest that if he doesn’t want to stay over you do special days out with him without her present. But you need to tell her to back off when he stays - he is a non negotiable part of being with you

Put your child first. Don't lose your son for this woman.

How unreasonable is it to want to spend time with the extended family? Maybe you need to start being more flexible and easy going? Why not have a discussion with your son about when he would like to come over? You could have maybe avoided the conflict on this one by discussing it with him and suggesting moving the visit to another day? Whatever the rights and wrongs, your girlfriend should be stepping back. You shouldn't feel you are in the middle trying to please two sides. Your son should be your priority and you need to think about what you think is reasonable and workable.

* Put your child first. Don't lose your son for this woman.*

^This

You need to decide who is more important to you, your girlfriend or your son

He's at a tricky age. If you screw things up with him now, you may lose him forever.

If she has now written him off and decided to hate him, that is actually really fucked up and I don't know why you would accept that

@Bagelsandbrie

I think you need to listen to your son more. Why is he saying you’re too angry with him? What sort of “rules” are we talking about?

Thanks for your advice. General rules about how much iPad time he has, what time he goes to bed, eating at the table etc.

She hates your 10yo son and you struggle to have rational conversations with her. She needs to go.
Concentrate on building a relationship with your son without her about.

Your son not only has to deal with two homes and two sets of rules, but he now expected to blend into your new family.

He didn’t ask for any of this. You chose your new girlfriend, not him. Parenting differences can be worked on, but if your partner actually dislikes him, you should break up with her.

You have a responsibility to your son and no child should be put in the position of having a stepparent who doesn’t like them. It’s cruel.

So he didn't want to stay in a house that full of the extended family (who he may never have met) of someone he bearly knows (as you've only been together 18 months). I'd say that's fair enough, I wouldn't either, however that conversation should have happened weeks ago.

I'd say the the relationship needs to end, your DS's feelings pushed out and your girlfriend doesn't seem to be understanding of the feelings of your DS, who in 3 years has seen his parents divorce, then had a new 'parent figure' who "hates him" and new step siblings that live with and presumably get attention from his dad. I'm not surprised he's acting out a little, he's clearly not being prioritised.

Your son will absolutely hate you if you let this woman poison your relationship with him.

Hm I feel for your son - he is very young and clearly feels pushed out and uncomfortable .you sound like you are prioritising your new girlfriend and her family over your son. You’ll end up with the lifelong result of that if you don’t fix that soon and it will have been your choice that your relationship with your son suffers.

He has a woman and her two kids living in what was his home with his dad. I cannot imagine how hard that feels for a young lad and it’s not surprising he wants some say over what happens.
Support your son here.

Anyone who 'HATES' your child needs to go. That's it.

This is way too soon to have moved this woman and her kids into your house. You need to put your son first.

You will lose him forever if you don't prioritise his needs.

@Sprogonthetyne

So he didn't want to stay in a house that full of the extended family (who he may never have met) of someone he bearly knows (as you've only been together 18 months). I'd say that's fair enough, I wouldn't either, however that conversation should have happened weeks ago.

I'd say the the relationship needs to end, your DS's feelings pushed out and your girlfriend doesn't seem to be understanding of the feelings of your DS, who in 3 years has seen his parents divorce, then had a new 'parent figure' who "hates him" and new step siblings that live with and presumably get attention from his dad. I'm not surprised he's acting out a little, he's clearly not being prioritised.

Difficult to hear. He is prioritised, I love him dearly, I just needed to here other people’s thoughts. I knew it would be tricky, I even initiated parents counselling with myself and his mum to help

That's really sad. If your girlfriend doesn't like/hates your son you should get her to move out asap. Imagine living with someone who hates you and having no agency to change the situation. No wonder he doesn't want to come and stay. Put your son first.

Surely it’s usual for contact plans to change around Christmas, extended family visiting of course your son is going to want to stay and spend time with them. The six months that your son hasn’t been as keen to come over did that coincide with your girlfriend and her children moving in? Or did she move in less than a year after you got together? If you can’t talk to her why is she living in your house, she sounds like she doesn’t even like or respect you and she hates your son. Wtf are you doing?

It sounds like you've changed how you parent in order to fit in more with what your he thinks is the right way to parent. Your don naturally resists that and now your gf cba with your son?

You need to tell your gf to parent her own kids and stay out of how yours is parented. How much iPad time he has is none of her business.

You were an idiot to move someone into your house after 18 months. Put your child first!

@Bagelsandbrie

I’m going to be honest and say her moving in with you with her two dds 18 months into the relationship was too quick.

Exactly this. You’ve moved far too quickly and haven’t prioritised his needs. Plus 18 months ago was lockdown time so how much time did you spend with her before moving in? You’ve been really selfish here.