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the end of sex

265 replies

tdotb · 10/12/2007 16:13

Assuming I'm not the only man - because reading the girls posts, there are lots of couples who have ended up like this - who thinks this is an "issues" - how many of you have found that there is little, or no physical intimacy in your relationship since your children were born?

It's been nearly 8 years now, our youngest is just over 7 - and we don't talk about it, it just starts a row, and i try tot to mind, but actually, I do mind - and then I feel shitty for minding.

If this is you as well, how do you cope? Do you need to cope - is it me who has something wrong with him?

OP posts:
tdotb · 12/02/2008 15:36

Thank you Pip -

I can't imagine my ever falling for anyone like that, and I hope I am rifght - I would rather carry on as we are now that be without her.

I do have crushes, and they make me feel sick and guilty, because i know that they are borne of loneliness. I suspect that if I am honest with myself, I am not exactly a catch, so if I can accept that - that I willbe no ones lover, I can find not being my wifes lover a little easier, and as you say, less about her, more about me.

OP posts:
PippiCalzelunghe · 12/02/2008 16:46

"I suspect that if I am honest with myself, I am not exactly a catch, so if I can accept that"
well imho you should not accept that! evryone is/can be a catch. see, insecurity and low self esteem seemed to have crept up already... you must react. just because one person does not want you it does not mean no one else does/will.

ArchiesMama · 12/02/2008 17:03

8 years? this must be why i have no plans to get married!

trulymadlydeeply · 12/02/2008 20:49

FWIW there are loads of women who would treasure a man like you - someone who loves and is loyal to, and sticks with the woman they love no matter what.

But at what cost to yourself??!

You sound really lovely for all the qualities just cited. Your dw is very lucky and you must believe you are a catch, just by being who you are!

FreddyFish · 12/02/2008 21:38

It sounds like you're in the 'we're friends but not lovers boat' - you're house mates. I've been in a similar situation - and the amount of guilt it caused for being bad for not responding to my wifes Lack Of Desire, for needing a release etc etc. She said, at one point, that she was afraid of pregnancy - fair enough - so after having a vasectomy things didn't really change. The net result of all this was going down with severe Depression and basically being asked to hand in my resignation at work. I often get the feeling that I wind up doing all the back rubs, the cuddles, the foot rubs. Do I get my back rubbed when I've got a bad back? Like hell I do.

Add in the complication of a sproglet - dammed if you separate, dammed if you don't. Look at the other parents splitting up as your child progresses through school.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 21:43

I really think this is so sad

the fact that you have posted about this and lived with it for years

i think you need to consider that for yourself you only have one life

i couldn't do it..you need to talk to saomeone in rl too

it's always hard to work out how you relate to how other people's lives work and it seems to me that you are realy reaching a point when this might be a deal breaker

and don't feel guilty if it is

vInTaGeVioLeT · 12/02/2008 21:46

this ain't no marriage

we all deserve to be in a happy,loving and sexual relationship

tdotb · 12/02/2008 23:17

vInT - that's an interesting way of putting it - but do I? Why, what "right" do I have? Surely there is the question of my Wifes rights? It all seems a bit medieval to think I somehow have the right to - well, I don't really mean sex, but affection.

Right now I am very drunk, as this helps, so you might want to ignore whatever I am typing.

OP posts:
LieselVonTrapp · 12/02/2008 23:22

Do you do kissing, aside from sex?

tdotb · 12/02/2008 23:24

No, nothing physical. You can tell me the truth, it's ok, I know, I just can't say it.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 12/02/2008 23:24

I think it depends how much you are willing to sacrifice. Of course your wife has a right to not have a sexual relationship with you, as much as you have a right to desire sexual relations.
The question is is your willingness to stay in the marriage strong enough for you to put those feelings aside?
Some people can do it, others can't.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 23:26

i really think that you know that you can't imagine living the rest of your life with no sex

i couldn't when my dp dumped me that was a scary thought

it was more scary than being left to be honest

maybe it isn't how you feel but if it was then you would not be somehow wrong

LieselVonTrapp · 12/02/2008 23:27

You are such a nice guy and I know you are probably a catch, I just cant see why youre putting yourself through this

colacubes · 12/02/2008 23:40

we all need love, cuddles and yes when we love another we want to hold them and feel them against our skin, thats nothing to be ashamed of thats love. You deserve a full love life and i dont mean that as just sex, i mean the fullness of love, the holding hands, the warm body next to you, to know that no matter what someone needs you.

To love is wonderful, but to be loved back is magnificent. As for a good catch, you sound like a bloody marvellous one to me.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 13/02/2008 17:37

tdotb - no of course i didn't mean your wife has to have sex or show you affection!! but she should want to shouldn't she? is there something you are not telling us
has there been infidelity?
or has she just totally gone off sex?

personally i don't think i could live with someone i didn't want to at least have a cuddle-up with, maybe the idea of full-blown sex scared her after the birth of the last baby - was it an awfull birth?

tdotb · 14/02/2008 23:26

no, nothing sinister, not as far as I know. I have spent lots of neurotic evenings analysing again and again the way she behaves with people in company, at parties and wondering if she has a lover, and I really do not think she does.

Your mind plays tricks after a while, you come up with all sorts of ideas - is she gay? does she have a lover? has she had a breakdown? - because the alternative is "she doesn't like you very much".

OP posts:
colacubes · 15/02/2008 15:52

tdotb I may upset you by saying this,but my words are said with heartfelt care I promise you.

At this point I think you have no other option, you must confront her about this, if she doesnt want you, she has to let you go. I understand children are involved but they will if they havent already noticed something!!

You owe yourself a life, not one lived as another dictates, its yours you deserve love, and unfortunatley, this is not just about sex, there is no closeness or affection and that is a need we all have. I feel for you but at some point we all have to stand up for ourselves, she is walking all over you. Hard to bear I know but this isnt love nor friendship, its emotional turmoil. You deserve more, and you can have more if you put yourself first, and there is nothing wrong with that, because she has thought of nothing but herself for a long time.

unless you are prepared to put up with being chastised like a child for wanting your wife and ignored,and lets face it at this point Im afraid this is beginning to sound very much like emotional abuse, my words may be hurtful, but I feel you may be in this same place in 5 years if you do not act now. My thoughts are with you and I hope you have the strength to get through whatever your choice. Good luck tdotb

vInTaGeVioLeT · 15/02/2008 21:11

well said colacubes

another point surely it is damaging for your kids growing up in this enviroment - your sadness and your wifes total disregard for your emotional health must be seen/felt by them?

tdotb · 15/02/2008 23:03

I don't think so, no. I work really hard to make everything "normal". I do not think anyone has any idea about how I feel, and what our relationship is really like, and I would be mortified if they did - there have been times when I have avoided talking about our relationship, but I don't think obviously.

I do that because I would rather liove with her like this than not at all.

OP posts:
colacubes · 16/02/2008 08:23

tdotb,"I would rather live with her like this than not at all" and she knows it, she can do or say anything and you will go no where, anything goes, and you will take it, without complaint. Im aorry tdotb but some people like to make others feel like crap, power is a drug, and at the moment you act like her puppy.

Now I may be shot by a few of the mns on here, but this is my opinion so please remember that.

In my opinion, you are probably bugging the hell out of her, not because you have done anything but because she is so angry and full of hate towards you, and half of that will be because you take it, over and over, no matter what she says and does, you are available 24-7 to absorb her frustrations. You are basically her whipping boy, and you will get whipped if you curl up in a ball, and dont stand up for yourself. She doesnt have to deal with a thing as long as you are there, not her anger or the fact she wants to sleep alone, its one thing to sleep alone another to live alone.

If you want to re kindle your marraige you are going to have to leave this disastorous relationship behind, stand up for yourself take charge of your life, tackle her issues of anger and control head on, and your issues of burying your head, and tell her thats it, enough, you want me and this life we have then work for it, it doesnt come for free. its called taking the bull by the horns cause tbh at this point she wont see you as a man but a pathetic little boy who takes it!!

Please stop ignoring what is right in front of you, you have the power to make this stop, use it.

PippiCalzelunghe · 16/02/2008 09:29

I think colacubes has hit the nail in the head I am afraid.

and your kids know more than you think. If they don't now will find out later and the fact that they have been deceit for all their life will have a big impact. remember I talk from experience and my dh could do too. do not underestimate your kids.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 16/02/2008 11:02

colacubes is far braver than me - but i was thinking precisely that "be a man" stand up for yourself you deserve to be happy - and as we only know your side of the story , we could well be missing information as to why your dw feels like this towards you

Triathlete · 16/02/2008 16:37

I have to say that I agree with colacubes. Tdotb, with your behaviour now, you are stopping two people from developing and growing - you and your "wife". You both have issues, and the longer the status quo continues, the more acute they will become.

Triathlete · 16/02/2008 16:39

damn, posted too soon. Also wanted to say:

I think you know that your marriage is dead. If she won't even hold hands - doesn't that tell you anything? You're a flatmate, a driver, companion, chauffeur, earner - but you're not a husband.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I've been in relationships that were going nowhere, it sounds like this is one.

LieselVonTrapp · 16/02/2008 19:56

dont put yourself through this anymore - why dont you have a trial seperation

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