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Original poster

I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

265 replies

victorino · 13/07/2020 12:15

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

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7ofNine · 13/07/2020 12:19

Hmm I'm a bit like that I'm afraid. The problem is that brushing his hair is important to her, and you overlooking it can feel like a slight.
I'm not saying it's right, but it's how I feel.
Does she regularly remind you to brush his hair? Or is this the first time?

relievedlady · 13/07/2020 12:20

Mmmm ungrateful you say?

Should your wife feel grateful that you got your own child ready for school??

Do you feel grateful for all the rings she does for the children?

Do you go out the door for work having forgotten to brush your hair or teeth?

JudithGrimesHat · 13/07/2020 12:21

“The wife” ?!

OryxNotCrake · 13/07/2020 12:22

I did all that this morning (and every morning - single parent). Both my kids went to school with brushed hair. Unbrushed hair looks untidy and, if a regular thing, can raise red flags about neglect. Just make sure your kid has his hair brushed!

Pantheon · 13/07/2020 12:22

She sounds unreasonable to get that annoyed about something small. Is she under a lot of stress? How do you split up childcare and domestic tasks usually? Do you both work outside the home?

7ofNine · 13/07/2020 12:23

I have to say, reversing the situation in my head, my husband has never complained about anything I have done or not done. I think some people just don't complain about anything!
Obviously why we're suited Grin

shiveringwiggles · 13/07/2020 12:23

I think I'm on your side. Certainly, if my partner picked out the one thing I'd forgotten, I'd be annoyed.

Somethingorotherorother · 13/07/2020 12:23

Thing is, doing 99.9% of a task isn't actually helpful, because she then has to doublecheck the whole process, work out what you missed and then do it. Probably more irritating than just doing it in the first place, like when someone does the washing up badly and you have to redo it.

Also, she doesn't need to feel "grateful" that you parented your own fucking kid. For crying out loud.

allthedamnvampires · 13/07/2020 12:24

Is it a one-off OP?

SarahTancredi · 13/07/2020 12:27

Most of us do that every morning on our own and remember to brush hair so its not exactly something we are expected to praise our partners for doing once in a while Hmm

Unless you are about to tell us she does nothing every morning which would change things a bit granted

Fatted · 13/07/2020 12:27

Get your tin hat on OP. You're going to need it.

Who usually gets the kids ready for school? You don't need to answer it on here because I can already guess.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2020 12:27

I think you might have lost folks at the ungrateful bit. Because why should she be grateful to you for undertaking what is your responsibility. You’re both parents. Not her and you’re doing her a favour.

Anotherscentedcandle · 13/07/2020 12:28

I think to answer this question I would first need to know how often you get the kids up and ready for school in the morning? 75% of the time? 25% of the time?

tabulahrasa · 13/07/2020 12:28

Well if she had to ask I’m assuming it’s not a one off, and frequently sending a child to school without something that basic done will mean the school start to wonder what other care is being neglected.

So, um, yeah... pretty essential tbh.

TheLegendOfZelda · 13/07/2020 12:29

It's just one of the tasks you do when you get kids ready for school. Having to monitor each other suggests either one parent isn't stepping up - or the other parent is controlling. If you both share parenting, why is one parent monitoring the actions of the other?

delilahbucket · 13/07/2020 12:29

Sounds to me like you want a gold star for looking after your children. It also sounds like you don't get involved in getting them ready very often if you managed to miss a basic job but it something your wife manages to do every day. I would also hazard a guess that this is a minor problem and there are bigger ones, like expecting your wife to be grateful you were a parent that morning and also see the previous two sentences. Am I close? Rhetorical of course.

woodhill · 13/07/2020 12:29

You sound kind, was it your turn to do the school run.?

Yes you should have brushed your ds's hair but not the end of the world

larrygrylls · 13/07/2020 12:30

Something,

I sometimes think OP’s post just to elicit sexist and aggressive responses like yours.

The OP is also a parent and can parent how he likes. It is not up to his wife to give him a ‘to do’ list. Hair brushing daily is not an essential in the real world, especially for a school child.

The OP did all the essentials and even brought his wife coffee in bed. If the sexes were reversed (and I do think plenty post to rest this) the only comments would be that he is an ungrateful bastard and not the boss of the ‘wife work’...

Loveinatimeofcovid · 13/07/2020 12:30

Well you don’t get points for only slightly neglecting your kid. If you’re the one doing the morning stuff with the kids you have to do all of it, otherwise you might as well not bother and leave it all to her, at least that way it would get done.

DarkMintChocolate · 13/07/2020 12:34

I’d be embarrassed if DH had sent DC to school, without brushing their hair! I certainly would not be grateful, he’d forgotten something so fundamental! Anyway, they are your DC too, so 50% your responsibility - I don’t know why you expect your wife to be grateful? Are you grateful for every single thing she does for your DC?

Somethingorotherorother · 13/07/2020 12:34

@larrygrylls Hair brushing daily is not an essential in the real world, especially for a school child.

Primary school teacher here - disheveled appearance (ie unbrushed hair etc) is something we're supposed to keep an eye out for as it's often a neglect signifier. If a child was regularly coming into school looking scruffy, we'd definitely be taking a closer look.

DarkMintChocolate · 13/07/2020 12:35

(ITA with pp, that it raises a red flag for neglect!)

Mummrahhh · 13/07/2020 12:37

Well, how bad it looks depends on his hairstyle I suppose! If he looks a real mess with unbrushed hair, YABU, if he has a crew cut and you can't really tell if it's brushed, YANBU

But honestly, yes, most parents do manage to send their kids to school with brushed hair and brushed teeth and a lunchbox every single day and don't count themselves lucky if they just remembered most of the above. So it was a bit off to forget - as someone else said, would you ever forget to brush your own hair/ change your shirt/ shave/ whatever you do before work?

What would annoy me about this would be

  1. You didn't mentally check whether you completed the task, and therefore didn't take responsibility for it properly, meaning that next time you do the morning routine she'll have to check anyway

  2. If your wife asked you right away about the hair, have you possibly forgotten this before, she told you before, and you still did it again?

Viviennemary · 13/07/2020 12:37

This is abuse. Constant complaining and imposing perfectionism can take a toll on a person's mental health. I think either she changes or you leave. Don't put up with it.

larrygrylls · 13/07/2020 12:39

Something,

Seriously? You are really reaching here!

What you mean is if a child looks neglected over all (and not having brushed hair is nowhere near that level) you might report it to your safeguarding lead who, if there were other concerning reports about the child sufficient to form a picture of neglect, would report it to social services etc.

Are you seriously telling all the parents on a parenting site that brushing their child’s hair daily before school is essential, or they might get reported? Hmmm